Coronation Street TGIF: The Lord of the Kebabs edition

please note this post makes the reference to the August 28 episode on CBC

As they say in Lord of the Rings: One kebab ring to rule them all! In other words, Kirk and Beth are officially getting married. My vote for best man? Darryl the Rat. He's dependable and looks good in a suit.

Elsewhere, Ken and Deirdre are off on a caravan adventure to an unsuspecting country close by. One might even say 'Save the Wales!' (Get on with it - ed). Jenna has left. Andrea and Lloyd are together. Max is getting more difficult by the second. Gail and Michael are an item. Nick is faking brain injuries to guilt-trip Leanne and Kal. Peter is getting his prison booze from The Landlord.

Kirk is called upon to read 'Three Little Pigs' to a bunch of kids:
"Once upon a time there was a so"

(So far the story seems pretty sow sow)

Tracy's reaction on seeing Gail and Michael acting lovey dovey:

"Pass me the sick bucket"

(hey! take a number)

Craig tries to make upscale napkin preparations for Kirk's dinner with Beth:

"I'm trying to fold this bog roll into a swan"

(well, first you need a swan)


Deirdre to Ken:
"I've always fancied the Maldives"

(Isn't that the couple who live on Viaduct Street?)


Deirdre again:
"Somewhere hot with a beach where they don't kidnap British people"

(Brighton during a heatwave?)

Deirdre tells Rob that Ken is sensitive about her past dalliance with a Moroccan:

"He won't even eat couscous"

(or anything containing semolina)

Deirdre after hearing Ken's plans for a caravan holiday:

"Come on Eccles, I need a drink"

(I'll have what she's having)

Audrey to Gail re: Michael
"He does seem like a thoughtful, kind man for a burglar"

(always closes the door on his way out... after breaking in)


Kirk insists that he and Beth have a magical relationship:
"If I was David Blaine and she was Gandalf, it couldn't be more magic"

(good casting)

***

Well, Corrie Compadres, so ends another week on the Street.  Can't wait to see Ken and Deirdre getting back to nature in beautiful Wales. I'll bet Eccles will miss them, especially if it falls to Rob the Murderer to take her for walks. (Be careful, Eccles). Thanks so much for stopping by and especially for your kind comments. I'll be back next week with more Hip and you're cordially invited to visit anytime. Cheers and have a great week!

Coronation Street prison nicknames

note: no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

Now that Jim "the Landlord" McDonald is on the scene (supplying Peter with alcoholic beverage solutions), a reader wondered about suitable prison nicknames for other Corrie denizens. Suggestions included: David "the Devil's Spawn" Platt, Carla "the Black Widow" Connor, and Roy "the Conductor" Cropper. With that challenge in mind, here are my ten nominees for the top Corrie prison nicknames.

1. Steve "The Son of Landlord" McDonald
2. Norris "the Weasel" Cole
3. Rita "the Songbird" Sullivan
4. 'Ken "the Pedant" Barlow
5. Deirdre "the Baritone" Barlow
6. Darryl "the Rat" Tinker
7. Dennis "the Moocher" Tanner
8. Gail "the Mitherer" Platt
9. Kal "the Fit" Nazir
10. Todd "the Slimeball" Grimshaw

Feel free to add your own suggestions...

Coronation Street's Jim McDonald: Orange is not the New Black

please note this post makes reference to the August 26 episode on CBC

I hate to say it but prison life seems to agree with Jim McDonald*.  Apart from being locked up until One Direction qualifies for a senior discount, the irascible, gregarious felon seems to be fit and fine, thank you very much.

Just look at him striding around the detention facility in his casual Friday shirts and slacks (what, no jumpsuits?). Jim doesn't seem to be constrained by trivial details such as confinement to cells, deprivation and lock down. Prison guards (practically non existent as far as I can tell) seem happy to let the big galoot wander around doing whatever he likes.  It makes 'Orange is the New Black' look like 'Oz'.

And there's more. Jim seems to have acquired status and respect on the inside. They call him the  'Landlord' because he used to own a pub (The Admiral Shiv? The Screw and Sixpence? The Soap and Shower?) (that's quite enough - ed).  And, he's become quite the entrepreneur, kind of a Sir Richard Branson of the correctional world. His in-house booze manufacturing and distribution business is thriving (thanks to Peter Barlow). His personal fortune can be measured in biscuits (a Garibaldi millionaire? - ed), currently more valuable than bitcoins.

And, if that weren't enough, Jim even has time to dispense pearls of wisdom to the inmates. Kind of an Irish Deepak Chopra or Dalai McLama. He even convinced Peter to enter a 'not guilty' plea. Yes, Jim finally seems to  have it all together. Too bad he's behind bars.

*for the purposes of Jim McDonald humour, please assume that every sentence in this post ends with "so it is" or "catch yourself up". Thank you.

Coronation Street dream double wedding: Kirk & Beth and Rob & Tracy

please note: no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

I know it's unlikely but could it be possible that Rob & Tracy and Kirk & Beth could get married in a fantasy double wedding that could blow the socks off Coronation Street watchers around the world? (No, it's not possible - ed). 

Consider the current situation. Kirk is intent on proposing to Beth (once he stops reading 'Three Little Pigs' and finds the right, dull moment). Rob and Tracy seem to have hired Michelle as their wedding planner to create the big day (unless Rob gets arrested for murder - and what wedding doesn't have to deal with contingencies like that?)

Bottom line. Here's what I see. Both weddings are are unintentionally scheduled at the same church, same day, same time. It's impossible to re-schedule so the weddings must go on, simultaneously.

Imagine the pomp, the ceremony and the vows.

Kirk:
"I, Kirk, take you Beth, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in hypochondria..."

Rob..
"I, Rob, take you Tracy, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward until death do us part or the coppers nab me for the murder of Tina, whichever comes first."

... it's a long shot but fingers crossed.

TGIF Coronation Street: the deadly bath bomb edition

please note: no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

A funny thing happened on the weekend (you were skiving? - ed). I went out of town to spend a few sunny days in bucolic Laval at a summer cottage (La Belle Aisselle) and found, to my horror, no Internet connection. So I was unable to perform my weekly duties (too much info - ed). Thus TGIF is very late. Sorry for the inconvenience (on the contrary, everyone's relieved not to have to wade through your demented gibberish - ed). Anyhoo, here's a quick recap of some lines I seem to recall:

Ken can't believe Deirdre didn't mention Peter's problems while he was in Canada:

"How could you not tell me?"

(Perhaps Deirdre doesn't have a cheap long distance phone plan)

Deirdre can't stand any more of Ken's recriminations:
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

(I'm guessing she wants him to shut up?)

Kirk to Sinead:
"What do you do with bath bombs?"

(Shock and awe)

Chesney doesn't want any animals harmed in the name of bath products:
"I'm dead against animal testing. Let Beth try it"

(good news for Darryl the pet rat)

Peter tells Ken why he thinks Simon prefers the zoo over prison:

"Animals in captivity are more interesting than dads in captivity"

(but, in either case, please don't feed them)

Kylie is angry that Michael gave Max an ice cream cone:
"Stop selling your poison to my kids"

(It's like Breaking Bad all over again)


Jim 'The Landlord' McDonald meets Peter in prison:
"Welcome to the big house"

(My name is Jim and I'll be your sommelier for this evening - and the next 10 years)

***

As for ongoing stories, Yasmeen is trying to turn Roy's caf into a library, Andrea's ex is hanging around, Kirkie is waiting for the right moment to propose to Beth, and Peter has entered a not guilty plea. Rob is edgy and Todd is threatening to fire Gary unless Gary uses the cheapo building supplies instead of the good stuff. Let's see what unfolds this week. Cheers and thanks for stopping by.

Ken Barlow: Souvenirs from Canada to Coronation Street

please note this post makes reference to the August 18 episode on CBC

Ken, you shouldn't have. No, really, you shouldn't have. Now I love a wooden ruler as much as the next person (hey, that's no way to talk about Stephen Harper - ed). But really? A ruler made from all the different indigenous woods (except 'Tiger' - ed) of Canada?  No wonder Simon was less than thrilled when Ken presented him with this alleged souvenir of Canada. Simon should count himself lucky. Ken was considering some other didactic Canadian mementos to bring back home.

1. Jigsaw Puzzle of a Canadian Mountie - reduced to $12.95 for quick sale. Please note some pieces may be missing (the jigsaw, not the Mountie)

2. A book of facts and figures about the CN Tower - $10.55
No pictures included. All facts in metric.

3. A box of paper clips made from various Canadian metals - $2.35
A magnificent metallic mosaic in every clip. Mostly aluminum (or 'aluminium' according to Ken).

4. An Ottawa snow globe -  $8.25
Don't bother shaking it. It doesn't do anything. Made in China

5. Genuine piece of rock from the Canadian Rockies - $1.50
a geological marvel of layered sedimentary rock borne of mighty glaciers and an eternity of time. Autographed by Celine Dion.

Coronation Street TGIF: The Return of Ken Barlow edition

please note this post makes reference to the August 15 episode on CBC

Ken's back and boy, do we have a surprise for him. No, it's not a party in the Rovers. No, it's not a new membership card for his beloved library either (hmm, guess that makes two surprises actually). Anyhoo, the main thing is he's back and not a moment too soon. I don't know about you but I can't take any more stories about how Amy and Max are misbehaving (spoiler alert: they both end up in juvie - ed). 

Elsewhere, Todd is wearing a suit and tie at the builders' yard and skiving nicely. Michael and Gail are getting nauseatingly cosy. Rob seems to think that getting Uncle Albert's medal back will make up for killing Tina. Maddie babysits Simon. Dennis punches Norris, and Rita tells him to sling his hook. And the library? Well, kind of a good news/bad news story really.  Roy and Yasmeen's protest got the closure delayed but then the library burned down, like in that movie Fahrenheit 451 (Celsius 451 in Canada).

Lines of the week:

Gail gets chummy with Michael in the backyard:

"It's wine o'clock"

(followed by barf thirty)

Rita cottons on to Dennis' plan to get back with her:
"I know all about your little charade"

(two words. First word: Get. Second word: Lost)


Michael gallantly gives Gail his jacket:
"Feeling any warmer?"

(Warmer? I'm getting a fever and stomach cramps watching this)

Gail to Nick re: his act of vandalism on Michael's ice cream van:

"The only fool around here is the one who chucked my rockery through his window"

(I guess people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones)

Mary tries to think up a protest chant during the sit in:
"What rhymes with library?"

(Highbury?)

Craig asks Mary why the library is closing:

"Is it David Cameron's fault?"
(Let's assume it is)


Audrey summarizes Gail's previous love interests:
"Con man, serial killer and death faker"

(It's all on her Facebook page)


Dennis before punching Norris:
"I've waited a long time to do this"

(well, all good things etc etc.)

Rob to Deirdre re; Ken's travels in Canada:

"Didn't he go to Calgary?"

(He thought the Saddledome was an observatory)

Ken upon getting out of the taxi:
"This place never changes"

(well, except for that messy business about the murder)


Ken announces his big news:
"I've become a vegetarian" 

(You mean you'll never eat another hotpot?)

***

Well, Watchers of Weatherfield, so ends another week and, let's face it, Canada will probably never get so much attention as it did when Ken returned from the Great White North bearing gifts (Maple Syrup) and tales of the Rockies (rather big). Rob even knows where Calgary is.  Have a great week and thanks for stopping by. Cheers!

Coronation Street: worst selfie ever

please note this post makes reference to the August 12 episode on CBC

So the Weatherfield Five (Yasmeen, Roy. Emily, Mary & Craig) have taken over the local library. Now that's what I call sticking it to the man - even if the 'man' is a minimum wage security guard who just wants to go home. No matter. The W-FIVE™ want to make a stand by sitting in. Yeah baby! Make books not war! (get on with it! - ed).

Yasmeen even took a selfie and distributed it to all the major media outlets: CNN, BBC, New York Times, The Guardian & The Weatherfield Gazette advertising supplement. Fingers crossed. Now all they have to do is wait for the story to go viral (what's the opposite of viral? - ed)

But there's a snag. A few really. Emily's not feeling too good and her 'church legs' are acting up. Mary doesn't like to leave her camper van unattended (someone might break in, make a paella and play her Julio Iglesias CDs). Craig has to go home to feed his pet rat. After all, you wouldn't want Darryl to run away and wind up living in the sewer now, would you?

Then there were two. Yasmeen the egger and Roy the railway buff. Can they possibly maintain their civil disobedience and bring down the system? Are anoraks hip? Was the Mod Squad cancelled? Stay Tuned. The whole world (well, a small fraction) is watching.

Coronation Street TGIF special: the pumped up toy boy with a tan edition

note: no spoilers were used in the making of this post

Neil literally can't believe that Andrea would have an affair with someone like Steve. So, when he storms into the Rovers and finds Andrea and Steve together, Neil is shocked and says:

"I was expecting some sort of pumped up toy boy with a tan"

Of course, I can't help thinking what other choice lines Neil could have come up with upon setting his eyes on the glory that is Steve McDonald. Here are my top six suggestions for what Neil might have said:

1.  "I was expecting Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing, not Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes"

2.  "I was expecting to see your bit on the side, but this is a lot on the side"

3.  "I was expecting someone well fit, not well fat"

4.  "I was expecting a young stud, not an old dud"

5.  "I was expecting to see your legover, not a leftover"

6.  "I was expecting a dreamboat, not a shipwreck"

Coronation Street TGIF: the Best Rockery in Weatherfield edition

note this post makes reference to the August 8 episode on CBC

Norris is in a lather because he thinks Dennis is conning Rita into taking him back. Owen is officially bankrupt and now it seems Faye has Twitter problems. Andrea seems to be slinging her hook after two-timing Lloyd. The Battle Royale between Leanne and Nick continues. Yasmeen the Librarian seems to be turning into Conan the Barbarian and proposing an illegal sit-in to stop the library closing. And, of course, Gail and Michael are chumming around in an ice cream van (don't ask - ed) and discussing "99s" (really, don't ask - ed).

Onward with a few lines from the week that was:

Yasmeen tells Roy about the relative hardships of giving up bread pudding and sex during Ramadan
"Quite frankly, I'd rather have the bread pudding"

(I'm sure Sharif will be happy to hear that)

Audrey congratulates Michael on his horticultural endeavours:

"Gail tells me you're working wonders on her front garden"

(I hope that's not a euphemism)

Nick to Gail:

"You embarrass yourself on a weekly basis"

(at least she's reliable)

Michael to Gail:
"I'm going to build you the best rockery in Weatherfield"

(I hope that's not another euphemism)

Neil thinks Andrea was having an affair with Steve and is incredulous:

"Is this what you left me for?"

(now that would be hard to believe)


Nick is adamant about not giving up the Bistro to Leanne:
"She's getting this place over my dead body"

(in that case, you better call David)


Lloyd to Andrea:
"You broke my heart"

(...and Neil's)


Julie gets soaked while Michael is washing his ice cream van:
"Next time could you mind where you point your hose"

(This one's too easy. Make up your own joke)

***

Well, Corrie Cohorts, so ends another week. Peter remains in jail and Ken is unaware of what's going on the other side of the Atlantic (Hey, welcome to Canada - ed). Tracy must have pawned her moral compass since she sees nothing wrong in selling Uncle Albert's medal.  Let's see what transpires next week. But Corrie, you're saying, what about Neil's hilarious lines when he thought that Andrea was having it off with Steve?  Don't worry, I've got that covered in a special edition of TGIF which I'll post tomorrow. So stay tuned. Have great week and thanks for stopping by. Cheers!   

So you've finally decided to watch Coronation Street...

note: no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

So you've finally decided to start watching Coronation Street. After all, 770,000 Canadians can't be wrong (actually they can -ed). Congratulations! But wait, you say, I don't know anything about Coronation Street and the accents are hard to understand and I can't keep track of the characters.

Hey, relax, it's okay. We've all been there. Here's a handy how-to guide to watching Coronation Street.

1. Don't worry about the past, just dive in

Yes, it's true that Coronation Street has been on the air since 1960, but that doesn't mean you need to know what happened during the 70s, 80s, 90s, and 00's to appreciate the current stories. Just start watching and don't worry too much about who's who.

Some characters may intrigue you (Carla the foxy factory owner or Peter the poxy alcoholic). Some may not. All you really need to know about Norris, for example, is that he's a gossip and a busybody. End of. If a particular backstory or character piques your interest, a click of your mouse will get you to a website (Wikipedia or Corriepedia) which will give you as much background as you want. (Watch out for spoilers though as the UK is a few weeks ahead of Canada).


2. Embrace the lingo and the accent

Some have complained that it's hard to understand what the characters are talking about due to the accents and the colloquialisms. Try to see this a learning experience, rather than a pain in the ass. Think of Coronation 'Streetese' as a down-at-the-heels kind of Esperanto, designed to transcend nationality. Once you watch a few episodes, you'll get the hang of it and, before you know it, you'll be skiving (slacking) and eating sarnies (sandwiches) like the punters (customers) at the Rovers.


3. Missing a few episodes now and then is not a big deal

Coronation Street has a life of its own and it really doesn't matter if you miss a few episodes (except for Corrie fanatics who routinely break traffic laws to get home to watch). I once spent a year in France studying toe fungus (truffe d'orteil or toe truffles in French) and it only took me about four episodes to get caught up.

Now, grab a cup of tea (or something stronger), put your feet up and start watching. You're in for a treat.

Coronation Street TGIF: the Climb Snowdon edition

please note this post makes reference to the July 31 episode on CBC

The big news. Julie revealed her list of things to achieve before turning 40. Here it is:

1. Turn 39
2. Climb Snowdon using Norris as a sherpa
3. Find Brian and kill him
4. Learn a foreign language
5. Play the lead role in an amateur all-female production of Equus
6. Master Chou pastry
7. Find out who Master Chou is
8. Kick Denis the Moocher out of her flat

(Note: I may have embellished the list in the interests of entertainment.) Well, Julie can tick off number 8. Done. Elsewhere, Peter is in jail and angry because no-one believes he's innocent. Lloyd has a bust up with Andrea just because she forgot to tell him she was married. Denis is trying to finesse his way back into Rita's life. Now, some lines from the week that was.


Steve tells Michelle he likes the idea of her as a cheerleader:
"I like pom poms"

(Get a room, Steve)


Norris tries to warn Rita about Denis:

"He's using your grief as a Trojan horse"

(Dennis is Rita's Achilles' heel)


Lloyd buys Andrea a delicacy in the Rovers:
"I knew you liked scratchin's"

(That's about the only thing you know about her)

Tracy to Deirdre re: Peter:

"Even if he killed that girl in cold blood, we still have to stand behind him"

(Now there's a real vote of confidence)


Deirdre tries to make small talk during her prison visit with Peter:
"So have you met anyone nice in here? 

(Yes, there's an amiable serial killer in the next cell) 


Steve agrees to say nothing when Michelle reveals the truth about Andrea:
"I've got a PhD in secrecy"

(from the University of Plank)


Steve is compelled to reveal the truth about Andrea to Lloyd:
"She's a lying, cheating, married cow"

(Yes, but she excelled in her history exam)

***

Well, fellow Street Urchins, the week ends with Peter stuck in jail, with no lawyer and Tracy as his biggest supporter. I guess things can't get much worse. And Lloyd? What's wrong with that man? He seems to court disaster. If he continues like this, he's in danger of becoming the next Fred Elliot (personal motto: if it moves, marry it). 

Ah well, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a knock-down, drag out, slap fight between Norris and Dennis. Let the combatants enter the Octagon. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great weekend and see you back here next week. Cheers!