John Stape explains how to phone someone in Canada

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 4 episode on CBC

John Stape is sinking deeper and deeper into his own self-constructed web of lies. He can't help it. Lying has become an involuntary reflex for ol' Johnnie -- like breathing or having a pint at the Rovers. But one of the consequences of lying is the unfortunate impact it has on innocent bystanders like poor old Colin Fishwick's Mum.

The Stapes happen to run into Mrs. Fishwick at the 'Coronation Street Wing' of the Weatherfield Hospital and Stape has a sudden pang of conscience about the people who have... er... snuffed it under his watch. Colin, as you will recall, keeled over in the Stape house (aka death row(house) - ed) and was subsequently given a touching cement burial in Underworld (may he rest in knickers - ed).

Colin's Mum wants to phone Colin and she thinks he's in Canada (again). How is she to know that Canada is a euphemism for the afterlife? (well, TimBits are rather heavenly - ed). Anyway, John tells Mrs. Fishwick she can't speak to Colin but she can leave a message on his cellphone. And, being such a kind killer, John even tells her a bit about the phone protocol in Canada. I'd like to expand on that as a public service:  

When to call Canada?
After dark. We don't like to answer our phones unless we can't see them (we're funny that way).

How much does it cost to call Canada?
Oddly, it's a local call and, better still, all fees are charged to John Stape.

How to call Canada?
Dial a cellphone number (John will write it down for you) and leave a message. A Bell Canada employee will review the message, assess its content and then decide whether to forward it to one of 30 million phone users.

Why call Canada?
Most missing persons tend to cluster in Canada for a variety of reasons including: Shania Twain, Niagara Falls, ice wine & hockey.

How does phone sex work in Canada?
Badly. First you dial John Stape's cellphone number and leave a voicemail message. Someone will get back to you with a Bell Canada-approved response within 5-7 business days anytime between 8 a.m. and noon or between 2 p.m. and 7 p.m.. (However, I must say it seems unlikely that Mrs. Fishwick would be interested in this subject).

If it's Monday, I must be Colin Fishwick

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 9 episode on CBC

Well, I think this fabulous idea of sharing John Stape (you mean sharing the pain of John Stape surely? - ed) between two women is going to work out very well, don't you? Charlotte came up with the brilliant scheme so that she could get her share of Stapean wit on a part-time basis while still allowing Johnnie boy to spend quality time with Mrs. Thick as a Plank (Charlotte's pet name for Fiz).

Since John is the best liar in the world, he should be up for the challenge. Wish I could see his agenda...

Monday
- It's a 'Colin' day so I'll have to be at Charlotte's after school with a bottle of red and white.
- rent DVD (Inspector Lewis Mystery)
- buy ingredients for pad Thai & creme brule
- tell Fiz I won't be home because I have to meet Colin and tell him to stop sending malicious cards, letters, DVDs etc

Tuesday
- It's a 'Stape' day so I have be at home by 5pm with a kebab takeaway and bottle of orange juice
- rent DVD (Best of Benny Hill)
- buy bag of chips
- snuggle with Fiz on ugly sofa
- tell Charlotte to get out of my life (till later this week)

Wednesday
- Is it a 'Colin' day or a 'Stape' day? 
- Damn, I can't remember. Better play it safe and do 'Stape' in the morning (i.e. lie to Fiz, lie to Peter, lie to Chesney, lie to old Mrs. Fishwick)
and
do 'Colin' in the afternoon (i.e. meet Charlotte at home, down a pint of pinot & give reluctant hugs)
- note to self: this is doing my head in (Colin's and Stape's)

***

can't wait to see what happens on the weekend and at Christmas...

Is it John Stape or Colin Fishwick or JC Stape-Fishwick?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 1 episode on CBC

Well, well. It seems that Jack Duckworth has a bucket list (items 1 thru 20 are 'lap dance', item 21 is pigeon grooming and item 22 is a pint in the Rovers). In other news, John Stape's old teaching colleague has stopped by and discovered that people on Coronation Street actually refer to his pal Colin Fishwick as 'John' which prompts the perfectly natural question: Why everyone is calling you 'John'? I'm sure ol' Colin/John will cook up an explanation along the lines of...

a) "Ah. Well it's very simple really. Because of the longstanding feud between my mother and me, I have taken a vow to disown the very name that she gave me at my birth. For that reason, I refuse to be known as 'Colin' and instead have adopted the name 'John' for exclusive use on Coronation Street. All perfectly understandable as you can see."

or:

b) "Ah. Well it's very simple really. The gentleman who was calling me 'John' is actually a neighbour named Owen Armstrong who has an unfortunate speech developmental problem (he's a builder, if you catch my drift) which means he cannot articulate the word 'Colin'. So I told the poor fellow to simply substitute the word 'John' for the word 'Colin'. It's just like 'The King's Speech' really"

or:

c) "Ah. Well, it's very simple really. There happen to be two Colins on Coronation Street so just to make things easier I have graciously deferred to the other Colin on Coronation Street and allowed him to continue using the moniker 'Colin' while I have agreed to be called 'John' (as a tribute to Leanne Battersby's former profession)."

or 

d) "Ah. Well it's very simple really. The real Colin is sitting under poured concrete in the knicker factory down the street and I stole Colin's identity to become a teacher because I was barred from teaching for kidnapping a teenage student slapper and keeping her captive in my gran's attic."

Take your pick...

Colin Fishwick doesn't like Canada, you say? Pity.

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 12 episode on CBC

Well, well. It seems that Colin Fishwick doesn't like Canada. Pity. I suppose he has the usual complaints: the beer (too cold), the summer (too hot),  the hockey (too fast), the curling (too slow) and the Beaver tails (not at all what he was expecting).

According to the devious Charlotte Hoyle, a former colleague and potential blackmailer of John Stape, Colin has been posting on his Facebook page (Geez, I wouldn't want to 'poke' him - ed). Apparently, Le Grand Fishwick has been e-whining. Charlotte says Colin is missing his friends and finding Canada "Quite Austere" (Isn't that near Moose Jaw? - ed).

I wonder what else his Facebook page says? (Likes: getting down, quaffing ale, premier league, tea breaks, 'the ladies', Marmite, beans on toast). Relationship status? (A player with a capital P).

But I digress. According to Charlotte, Facebook Disatisfaction is just the thin edge of the wedge - or, as she says to John: "it's a slippery slope, cock." (I beg your pardon - ed). The problem, according to Charlotte, is that ol' Colin might just end up on a one-way Air Canada flight back to Manchester  (with a 10 hour layover at Heathrow - ed). Then we'd have two Colin Fishwicks in the UK. (Oh God, no. One is too many - ed)

Of course, we could all see this coming. This was a nutty scheme from the get go. John Stape seems adept at concocting and acting on idiotic plans (affair with Rosie, kidnapping Rosie etc etc). This is just another chapter in his sad saga. But the saddest part is poor Fiz, dealing with Stape and Chesney while her job hangs by a thread. I certainly don't envy her.

Meanwhile, Canadian Corrie watchers can take heart from the fact that Canada is playing a small part in a Corrie storyline. Enjoy it while it lasts.

romantic overtures

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the December 1 episode on CBC

Love - or something - is in the air on Coronation Street. Just look at the romantic and quasi-romantic overtures happening all over the place. There's 'Kimono' Ken and Martha, Jason & Becky and Julie's almost daily fixation with Jason's bod (Carp-e per diem - ed). Even Rita and Colin are busy making goo goo eyes at each other, but Rita isn't rushing into anything (she's got a 5am wake-up call to do the papers).

At the pub, Steve is busy having a revenge date with Natasha (Indian take-away in front of the tele while watching darts - what more could a girl want?). What is it with Steverino? Despite his average looks, cut-rate wardrobe and modest gut, he really knows how to pull the birds (sorry, I mean 'attract the ladies'). Michelle, Becky and now the fair Natasha all seem to fall for those big hang dog eyes and rubbery mug. Has he got a hypo-disc, a secret male musk, an aphrodisiac in the lager? Somebody tell me.

On the other side of the bar, Mary has done her best to stir the inner beast within Norris (a wild gerbil, surely - ed) to no avail. Despite her smokey eye makeup, Norris resists and sends her on her way with nothing more than a quick sip of Dubonnet and a pinch of the nose. What's wrong with that man? It almost makes me wish Les Battersby would come back, call him 'Doris' and thump him. Maybe that would knock some sense into him.

But surely the most sinister chemistry (apart from Anna Windass and 'uncle' Len - yuck!) is the rapport between Maria and Tony. Maria gives the T-Man a ride and there they are sitting in the car chatting about loss and love and Liam (enough alliteration; it's incredibly irritating - ed).
At one point, Tony says, "You know, if you need anything, you need me to change a fuse or well, whatever, I know you have friends and family, it was just a thought."

Now that's just plain creepy and tomorrow I'll tell you why...