Accelerated marriage vows

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept. 20 episode on CBC

It's crazy but Peter, even though he's in critical condition at the hospital, is insisting on having a wedding service performed at the bedside. I think this calls for a no-tarry-marry service. Let's cut out the extraneous parts of the marriage ceremony and get this done before the crash cart arrives. Here's my suggestion:

DEARLY beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony;
 Minister: Hey BFFs! Check this out. Pete & Lee are doing the M-word.

If either of you know any impediment, why ye may not be lawfully joined together in Matrimony, ye do now confess it. For be ye well assured, that so many as are coupled together otherwise than God's Word doth allow are not joined together by God; neither is their Matrimony lawful. 
Minister: Let's assume that Peter has stopped the bigamy thing and Leanne has stopped the escort thing, so we're cool. Right?

Peter, wilt thou have this Woman to thy wedded Wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live? 
Minister: Peter? No playing away and no bigamy, okay?

Leanne, Wilt thou have this Man to thy wedded Husband, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honour, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?
Minister: Leanne? No more sex for money and no more having it off with Nick, okay?

I Peter take thee Leanne to my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.
Peter: I, Peter, am sticking with Leanne even though Cruella, er I mean Carla, is smoking hot in an evil kind of way

I Leanne take thee Peter to my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.
 Leanne: I, Leanne, am sticking with Peter even though I had it off several times in the Joinery with Nick and once at Gail's house 

Minister: By the power invested in me by the Weatherfield & Regional Hospital and the National Health, I now prononouce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the oxygen mask.