Coronation Street TGIF: the psychic rodent edition

please note this post makes reference to the August 29 episode on CBC

You know who we haven't seen enough of in recent episodes? (Norris? - ed). Darryl the Rat. Maybe it's because Karl is currently fulfilling all the rodent-like roles available on the Street but, oh boy, if Craig's loyal pet rodent only knew what Karl was up to, Darryl would surely attack (rat vs.rat? - ed)  But I digress. Let's have a quick look at some of the week's memorable lines:

Tracy complains to Gloria about Tina's behavior in the Rovers:
"She has thrown a glass of wine all over me"
(it was a very good year)


After Tracy's embarrassing tussle with Tina, Tracy wonders why Deirdre is unhappy
"You have got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp"  
(Chewing a wasp would probably be less painful than having Tracy as a daughter)


Kirk struggles to explain the birds and the bees to Craig:
"It's normal to have feelings in the trouser department"
(especially if you're wearing corduroy)


Kirk tells Craig it's okay to express one's true sexuality:
"We've got some great gays"
(.. and some great straights too)


Sally's date makes sparkling first-date conversation:
"People say insurance is boring"
(people are right)


Leanne tells David about some of Nick's favourite music artists:
"He loves the Smiths"
(especially Will and Jaden)


Beth feels obliged to tell Craig about his father:
"Your dad was a moron"
(I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific)


Gloria tells Stella she's over-reacting to Karl's no-show at the registry office:
"You're always castastrophizing"
(is that like disasterizing?)


Karl reacts to Craig's confession about burning down the Rovers:
"I will take your secret to my grave"
(Hopefully in a couple of weeks or so)


Karl to Craig again:
"Think of me as your 'go-to' guy" 
(More like your 'go-to-hell' guy)


Beth tells Maria that Craig's pet rat has special powers:
"I swear to God that rodent's a psychic"
(he's like the Mentalist with a tail)


Faye seeing her Dad smooching with Sally:
"Er gross"
(I couldn't have said it better myself)


Anna is also disgusted by Tim and Sally snogging on the Street:
 "I've seen dogs with more dignity"
(The Royal Corgis, for example)

***

Well fellow followers of Corrie, so ends another week. Tina becomes more stroppy. Craig becomes more upset. Nick becomes more comatose. The Red Rec becomes more dangerous. Karl becomes more evil. And Stella? What on earth is she thinking?  How she could ever believe a word Karl says is beyond me. Anyway, enjoy the long weekend and thanks so much for stopping by. See you next week here at the Hip. Cheers! 

DJ David Platt's coma playlist

this post makes reference to the aug 27 episode on CBC

Isn't it nice of David to make a playlist of Nick`s favourite music while Nick is in a coma caused by...um.. David? Leanne has some good suggestions (Muse, Prince etc.). But let's not forget DJ David's current mental state of swirling guilt and turmoil. Who knows what he will end up putting on the playlist?  It might even go something like this...

Jealous Guy (John Lennon)
Evil Ways (Santana)
I hurt you  (Pretenders)
Sorry seems to be the hardest word (Elton John)
He ain't heavy, he's my brother (The Hollies)
I'm Sorry (Brenda Lee)
All Apologies (Nirvana)
I didn't want to hurt you (Leona Lewis)
Who's Sorry Now? (Connie Francis)
Oh Brother, where art thou? (original soundtrack)
Am I Evil? (Metallica)

Coronation Street TGIF: the induced coma edition

please note this post makes reference to the August 22 episode on CBC

What's the deal with Tina McIntyre? Since when did she become DCI Banks, piecing together clues to solve the Platt brothers mystery?
And what's the deal with Gary and Izzy? Who on earth has a baby party in a pub? (two drink minimum for all newborns, hotpot pablum available on request -ed)
And what the heck happened to Mandy? She disappeared faster than Norris Cole at a cash bar.

Just some of the questions I'm left to ponder as we take a look back at some of the memorable quotes of the week in this edition of Coronation Street TGIF.

Peter reveals to Steve the number of pairs of shoes in Carla's collection:
"43"
(not including her Crocs)


Carla describes Tracy to Peter:
"The ball breaking excon that eats men for breakfast"
(wait, are we talking about Tracy or Rob?)


Rob apologizes to Tracy for scuttling the idea of cohabitation:
"The last person I want to upset is you"
(yeah, the last guy who did that got a sculpture in the head)


The doctor explains to David the delicate situation of Nick's condition:
"We can't be too careful with head injuries"
(what about head cases?)


Craig expresses his music preferences to Norris
"I don't like rap"
(That's okay. Norris is more of a hip hop fan anyway)


Steve reflects on the missed opportunities in his life:
"I wanted to be like Bruce Springsteen"
(but Steve was 'Born to Run... Streetcars')


Tina spells out the situation for David:
"Your own brother slept with your missus behind your back"
(could happen to anyone)


Lloyd isn't keen on spending more time with Mandy:
"The next instalment of dancing on eggshells"
(his last tango, as it turns out)


Mandy tells Gloria she's worked at better places than the Rovers:
"I've cooked for Robbie Williams"
(Take That, Gloria)


Eva tells Leanne to go home and rest while she sits by Nick's bedside:
"Even I wouldn't make a play for a guy in a coma"
(now that's what I call integrity! Eva's like Florence Nightingale in a thong)

***

Well fellow friends of Corrie, that wraps up another week on the Street. I'm glad young Craig is back in the picture, but doesn't he know something about Sunita's death? At least that's the impression I had. If so, why isn't he saying something?  I'm sorry to see Mandy leave in such a hurry and with no real fanfare. And, of course, we're all assuming that Nick will make a full recovery. Enjoy the weekend and thanks so much for stopping by. Cheers! .

Wine tasting can be hazardous to your health

please note this post makes reference to the August 20 episode on  CBC

First off, don't even get me started on the Chris Fountain scandal (he plays Tommy Duckworth on Corrie, or at least he did). I'll leave it to the erudite and talented John over at Corrie Canuck to bring you up to date.

Let's move on and consider the latest Plight of the Platts (trademark pending - ed).

If we thought drinking and driving was dangerous, it seems that driving and intending to drink is really hazardous. Nick and David are supposedly off in search of a mythical wine bar (apparently Nick needs David's discerning palette in order to distinguish the liquorice notes of a '95 Pinot Noir). 

As the two Platts speed along in the Bistromobile, wrestling over control of the steering wheel, they have a horrific car accident. David's okay (well, relatively speaking - ed). Nick is not. It's a quick ride over to Weatherfield General where the Platts are warmly welcomed as regular customers by the emergency room staff ("Haven't see you lot for a couple of months. Your regular room is ready").

Consider that almost all the Platt family have been to the Coronation Street Wing of Weatherfield General with life threatening conditions: David, Gail, Leanne, Kylie, Nick (post tram crash). Thank God for the National Health Service.

For the moment there's nothing the Platts can do except watch and wait for the amazing Weatherfield doctors to work their magic... again.

Coronation Street TGIF: the Demented Poirot edition

please note this post makes reference to the August 15 episode on CBC

So the penny has finally dropped and the demented Poirot (aka Nick) has finally zeroed in on his tormentor. Speaking of torment, looks like Roy and Hayley are off on holiday in Crazy Mary's camper van. And, Rob and Tracy's dream of opening a 19th century business in the 21st century is one dodgy step closer to reality. And, just to ramp up the torment even more, Eva the Diva is swanning around in fine form. Onward with a few quotes from the week that was:

Leanne continues to snipe at Eva:
"What's that scent you're wearing? Jealously by Calvin Klein?" 
(probably the knock-off version from the market by Alvin Klein)


Leanne receives an anonymous letter about Nick:
"Do you know what your husband was doing - and with who - on Christmas night"
(well it certainly wasn't written by a Barlow. A Barlow would have written 'with whom') 


Sylvia is not impressed by Crazy Mary's vacation suggestion

"A clockwise tour of cathedrals?"

(I think I saw that in a Club Med brochure)

Tracy points out to Rob that she, like Rob's dodgy colleague, is also a murderer:

"Everybody makes mistakes"

(Yes, I bought the wrong kind of yogurt once; Tracy killed a man with a blunt object)

Tracy explains why Rob's prison colleague committed murder:

"That ice cream man provoked him"

(the bastard gave him a vanilla cone when he specifically asked for chocolate)

David offers some encouraging words to Leanne:

"You'll weather the storm like the Titanic"
(maybe David's thinking of a different Titanic?)

Tracy snipes at David:

"Why don't you go home and Google sarcasm?"

(Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?)

Rob tries flirting with his probation officer only to be rebuffed::
"I'm happily civil partnered lesbian"
(Is there a Hallmark card for that?)

***

Well, faithful Corrie comrades, that's it for another week. Looks like the plot is thickening on the David/Nick front.  Only bad things can happen from here on it. But, look on the bright side: Roy and Hayley are having a nice vacation. Rob and Tracy are starting their eJunk shop. Jenna has a temporary job at the caf. (She does know that she is eligible to work at businesses outside Coronation Street, doesn't she?). Enjoy the weekend and thanks so much for stopping by. Cheers!.

Has David Platt lost his evil mojo?

please note this post makes reference to the August 13 episode on CBC

What's wrong with David Platt? Yes, I know he's a psycho nutbar with a history of evilness and malicious deeds. But that's not what I'm talking about. What I mean is: what's wrong with his evil mojo? Once upon a time, he could drive his car into a canal, injure Jason, wreck Sara Louise's wedding, push Gail down the stairs - and still be home in time for lunch.

It was like he had a natural gift for evil. But now? What's happened? He seems to be having a spot of trouble. He can't even break up Nick and Leanne which should be pretty easy. After all, Nick's brain is as easy to manipulate as warm Play Doh and Leanne has a past which is more checkered than a prison chess board. But, even though he's been at it for a couple of weeks, David's not having much success. So much so that now he's resorted to that old chesnut: anonymous letters (yawn)

I think David may be losing his touch. His evil skill set seems to be failing him. I guess that's good news for the Platts, for now anyway.

Coronation Street TGIF: the skint bigamist alcoholic bookie edition

please note this post makes reference to the August 8 episode on CBC

A skint, bigamist, alcoholic bookie? You mean Peter's a bookie too? And what about the kerfuffle over at Nick's Bistro where His Nickness looks even more constipated than usual? Don't tell me someone's been putting alcohol in the water?  What's the world coming to? Let's just soldier on and keep our fingers crossed for Hayley.

Rob describes his new business venture:
"An independent second hand shop"

(think eBay only skankier and without the Internet)


Rob explains the economics behind his takeover of Peter's business premises:
"That's capitalism"

(He's like a sleazy, ex-con version of Keynes or Galbraith)

Peter explains his lack of business acumen to Carla:

"Richard Branson I ain't"

(Virgin can breathe easier)

Hayley pronounces her opinion of green tea:

"That is officially disgusting"

(yes but think of the antioxidants)

Peter wants to know why Carla finds him so irresistible:
"What was it that first attracted you to this skint, bigamist, alcoholic bookie?"

(mainly the alcohol I think)


Leanne tells David what's going on with Peter and Carla:
"Looks like the alkies are getting spliced"

(Must be Absolut love)

Peter realizes that it's a little odd for a bigamist to get married:

"The altar is not a place for irony"

(save that for the divorce)


Fiz consoles Roy about Beth's loud gob:
"She's got a mouth the size of the viaduct on her"

(without the aesthetic qualities)


Roy gets angry at Tracy:
"You have caused us nothing but stress"

(You got off easy. Think of poor Charlie Stubbs)

Mandy is getting tired of Lloyd's civil rights feud:
"You're a cabbie, not Malcolm X"

(although, to be fair, some cabbies are judged by the content of their taxis)


Roy conforts Hayley in her time of need:
"Neither of us are going to be alone for a very long time"

(Amen)

***

Well, ladies and gentlemen of Corrie Nation, so ends another week. I confess I skived a bit this week and consequently missed Wednesday's episode. It won't happen again. Enjoy the weekend and I'll be back next week with more of Blanche's Polish Hip. Cheers! 

Coronation Street TGIF: The £35,000 edition

please note this post makes reference to the August 2 episode on CBC

I must confess I'm having a tough time watching poor Hayley go through the excruciating steps of tests, doctor visits and then diagnosis for cancer. It seems so unfair that this unusual but wonderful little family unit (Hayley, Roy and Sylvia) should have to suffer though such anguish and pain. Then, way over on the other side of the spectrum, we have Rob and Tracy.  Say no more. Let's just take a quick peek at some of the week's memorable lines in our regular weekly feature, Coronation Street TGIF (formerly Tony Gordon It's Friday).

Carla tells Peter his promotional scheme is crazy:
"Any idiot can give away money"

(and Peter is proving it)

Deirdre shares a little of her exotic past with new BFF Carla:

"Bit of a dark horse are you Deirdre?"

(hey, who are you calling a horse?)


Deirdre to Carla re: her role in mediating between Peter and Carla:
"Just think of me as Switzerland in glasses"

(I never realized Switzerland had such a deep voice)

Norris to Rita::
"I've gained half an inch"

(you better be talking about your height... or waist)


Rita relays the breaking news to Emily"
"Norris is growing"

(but not in a good way)

Tracy to Rob:

"I am an equal opportunity trouble maker"

(she has a dream... about stealing from Amy's bank account)

Rob to Tracy:

"You're the most evil woman I've ever met"

(BTW, you might want to remove heavy, head trauma objects from your flat)

Rob wins his accumulator bet and wants Peter to pay up:
"You owe me some money"

(Glad to see Rob has grasped the fundamentals of betting)


Deirdre finds out where Tracy got her venture capital from:
"You took money out of Amy's bank account and put it on a horse?"

(relax Deirdre, think of it as an equine-based mutual fund - without the high fees)

Deirdre to Tracy again:
"The word 'shame' just isn't in your vocabulary is it?"

(No it isn't. That's a real... um... sham? Shamu?)

***

Well, co-Corriephiles, that's it for another week on the Street. David seems to be getting into evil mode again. Karl has disappeared somewhere. Norris is a homeowner. Rob and Tracy are on their way to opening a cutting edge business based on a concept invented 3,000 years ago. Peter is out of the bookie business and Audrey has house problems.  Let's see what happens next week. Thanks for stopping by, for your erudite comments and your company. Have great weekend and I'll meet you back here next week. 

Accumulator Bet Deja Vu on Coronation Street

please note this post makes reference to the July 31 episode on CBC

So Rob looks like he's on the cusp on prosperity - if he wins the accumulator bet (and puts Peter Barlow out of business). Hmmm, seems to me this is not the first time we've seen an accumulator bet in a Corrie episode. Just two years ago, the amorous con man, Lewis Archer, pulled the same stunt at the same bookies (and gave Deirdre Barlow a lesson in lip aerobics at the same time) forcing Peter's wife du jour (Leanne) to cough up £4,000..

At that time, Blanche's Polish Hip prevailed upon the lovely Rosie Webster to explain an accumulator bet (via a fake interview). As a public service, we provide an encore presentation (you mean rerun - ed) of that post.

***

What exactly is an accumulator bet? Here to help us with her third in a series of edukational articles is Rosie Webster. As you may recall, Rosie has already imparted her unique wisdom on topics ranging from how to wash a car to classical music. She's kindly taken time off from her grueling schedule of vodka shots and thong shopping to share her expertise with us:

What's an accumulator bet?

Duh! An accumulator or parlay bet is a single bet which is linked on a number of other wagers, and the outcome is dependent on all the wagers winning. I don't know what all those boring words mean but Sophie and Sian found it on the Internet (what is it with those two anyway?)..

What's the big attraction?

Duh, again! Obviously, losers (with a capital 'L') can go to that grotty bookie shop and bet like a quid or something with the hopes of striking it rich (like I did when that perv Stape gave me all that money for being kidnapped). However like it's really, really hard to win. The chances of winning are about as good as me wearing a pantsuit. Boring!

How does it work?

Look, I can't stop here all day answering questions. I have to get dressed (well, undressed really) for work. But it's like a series of really, really unlikely events happening. Like, say for example, that you bet on me going out with that lowlife Graeme Proctor. That's really unlikely right? Well, now multiply something like that by five times, and if by some freaky chance you're right, you'd like win a million pounds or something.

Any last words?

Whatever! I am so out of here.