Joe McIntyre: 2008-2010

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Dec 14 episode on CBC

Well, fellow Corrie lovers, it's official. Joe McIntyre's highly-leveraged body has washed up on the shores of Lake Gitchi Gumi (are you sure that's correct? - ed) and the Cumbrian police have put up enough yellow police tape to cover the entire Lake District ('Swallows and Amazons' was never like this... except for the time that Titty and John stole a car - ed).

Could there be a mistake? A horrible case of mistaken identity? I don't think so, especially after watching Gail and Tina huddled together like James Taylor & Carly Simon as Tina sadly warbles 'Mockingbird'.

So what can you say about Joe? That he was an independent businessman with a thriving kitchen fitting company called 'Klever Kitchens' (I don't get it? - ed)? That he got stiffed by the Windasses (he wouldn't accept payment in cakes - ed)? That he gave David Platt a job (his first big mistake - ed). Yes, we can say all these things but his major contribution to the show was his romance with Gail.

Joe fell hard for the mysterious charms of Her Gailness (still a mystery to me - ed). Their romance was short and largely Chardonnay-based. But Joe also had a problem (David? -ed): clinical depression. Then he had more problems (David? - ed): clinical recession. Then, after he snagged a shady job and borrowed money from a shady character, he had another problem with a loan shark:  clinical repossession. Mixed into all that was his back injury and addiction to painkillers: clinical break & enter.

It was a sad journey from bad luck to bad luck mitigated only by the unconditional (well, sort of) love of his daughter Tina. In a previous post, I talked about how I found Joe frustrating in many ways. I doubt if anyone will read 'Stop all the clocks' at Joe's funeral -- but I do hope someone will say a kind word about him, preferably not Rick the loan shark.

The idiot's guide to faking your own death

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 29 episode on CBC

Thank you for purchasing the Idiot's Guide to faking your own death, an easy step-by-step guide to pretending that you've snuffed it... and profiting afterward.

Chapter 1
Why fake your own death? 
Some of the most compelling reasons to falsify your demise are: financial gain, escaping physical threats, intimidation & retribution & avoiding David Platt

Chapter 2
How do I fake my own death?
Research and planning is the key to a successful fake death. Learn how to ensure that the suspicious circumstances surrounding your pseudo-death are consistent with your own interests. If you're sailor, take a long, one-way cruise on a deep lake (more than 200 feet).

Chapter 3
Don't forget the life insurance policy! 
You can profit from a fake death only if you remember to buy an unnecessarily expensive life insurance policy with no exclusions. Remember to check the box regarding 'unfortunate self-induced fatal accident coverage'. You may have to wait up to seven years for a payout so don't hesitate to borrow money from Rick to tide you over.

Chapter 4
Choosing your post-death hideaway. 
Ireland is the location of choice for most people who fake their deaths. Many small Irish villages boast entire communities of death-fakers. You'll fit right in.

Timely Tip: Take some spare change so you can use a local public phone booth to call your loved ones.

Order now from Amazon.com! Order now and you'll receive a free copy of the Lake District's Most Dangerous Lakes.

***

Just wanted to thank you for your comments. Even though, I am a repeat offender, I apologize heartily for the continued and unbridled use of puns and, like Peter Barlow, I pledge to go on the wagon. And thanks also for telling me about the Coronation Street novel. Kismet indeed.

Dante, Tutankhamun & Joe McIntyre

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 8 episode on CBC

Well, well, it's a veritable Wikipedia of vitriol coming from Joe "can I get some money up front?" McIntyre as he sees his chances of monetizing Gail's house slip away. Make no mistake, Joey is desperate. His friendly neighbourhood loan shark is getting impatient and that means trouble.

How much does Joe owe? (let's shorten that to Jowe - ed) I dunno. Like a drunk at the Rovers, the bar keeps moving. He already put the touch on Gail's dad for £4,000. Now Signor Rick is saying he owes more. How much more? We don't really know. You see Rick is not like Visa or Mastercard (except for outrageous interest rates, outlandish terms and conditions and unreadable contractual fine print - ed). There are no bills, no statements and no airmiles (just a free trip to the gunnel - ed).

When Joe tries to speed up the sale of Gail's house (at a stiff discount from a property vulture), Gail finally loses it. Joe knows it's over so he lets loose with a variety of colourful literary and archeological references.

He compares Gail to the curse of Tutankhamun (same hair style? - ed). This curse first appeared when a certain Lord Carnarvon died in 1923, just seven weeks after the official opening of pharaoh Tutankhamun's burial chamber. Crazy? Yes, but I wouldn't discount it entirely especially when you consider that Gail is David Platt's 'mummy'.  Coincidence? I think not.

Joe also says that there should be an inscription over the entrance to Gail's house: abandon hope all ye who enter here. This is the supposed inscription at the entrance to Hell from Dante's Divine Comedy. That's a little harsh. (although it could be true for customers walking into Audrey's hair salon - ed). Either way, it looks like Joe is out of options and Gail's marriage is out of gas.

Dear Joe McIntyre

spoiler alert; this post makes reference to the October 25 episode on CBC

The good news is I'm back at Corrie Central (your living room? -ed). The bad news is that my Peek Freans are all gone (please leave your medical condition out of this -ed) and my trusty assistant whom I shall refer to as 'Kirk the Second' neglected to switch on the state-of-the-art recording technology last night (maybe he ran out of wax cylinders? - ed) with the net result that I am, how you say, 'Street less'. Never fear, faithful BPH followers (three, I believe - ed), I hustled down to the local Tim Horton's early this morning and the lovely Judy (or Judé in Montreal) gave me a quick synopsis over a double double (hey, why don't you get her to do the blog too? - ed).

Seems like ol' Joe McIntyre is racking up more interest than a chip butty at the British Isles Show in Toronto. Once again, Joe is on the losing end of a business proposition. On the one hand, he can't seem to buy a break. On the other hand, he seems to have little or no interest in taking the bull by the horns and dealing with the problem of his friendly neighbourhood loan shark, the enigmatic 'Rick'.

Wouldn't it be a good idea for Joe to be slightly more proactive? For example, couldn't he go down to the loan shark's office (under the Viaduct, hours 9pm-2am, closed Sundays for leg breaking) and at least find out exactly how much he owes? Maybe he should come clean with Gail before Gail divests herself of her most precious asset (She's selling David down at the market? - ed). Last, but not least, how about unloading that bloody great eyesore parked in Gail's driveway (Again, David comes to mind - ed). 'Gail Force', that ironically-named yacht, could fetch a pretty penny on the open market (and open water) and settle Joe's mounting debt crisis.  As they say on the Street, 'Time to get rid'.

The wreck of the sloop Joe M

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 9 episode on CBC

*Ahoy matey! Coronation Street takes on a decidedly nautical flavour now that Joe has moored his boat in Gail's dry dock (that's enough of that kind of language - ed). It almost brings a tear to my ear seeing Captain McIntyre and First Mate David Platt on the poop deck looking out over the salt air and the waters of the nearby canal (on the other side of the viaduct, five streets over, can't miss it).

The now appropriately named Gail (Gale? - ed) at first shivered her timbers at the thought of having such a wreck moored at her port of call. Admiral Audrey also raised a warning flag (the Jolly Roger? - ed) and more or less suggested that Joe should be keelhauled or made to walk the plank (plenty available at Bill's yard - ed).

But Joe has a plan (or maybe a treasure map - ed). He's the skipper with a clipper. (you mean the goat with a boat - ed). He plans to make the empty vessel ship shape. Maybe First Mate Platt will even swab the decks (judging from the cut of his jib, I would say not - ed). After that, Captain Joe will sell his hot yacht for a bag of doubloons (emphasis on 'loon' -ed) . As for Gail, well what can she do? Audrey may be wishing for Joe to sail off into the sunset but Gail will have to give Captain Joe the benefit of the doubt. It's a hull of a job -- but someone's got to do it.

*Note to readers : no puns were harmed in the making of this post

Addiction

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the march 23 episode on CBC

What is it about Coronation Street men and addiction? Right at this moment, we have three classic examples of Corrie males driven to distraction by their personal demons (undercooked hotpot? - ed).

Leading the pack is Peter Barlow, waging a one-man war against alcohol (first casualty: Blanche's bottle of sherry - ed). The only thing standing between Peter and alcoholism is Simon - and the high price of lager at the Rovers. Now that Michelle's left for a six-month tour with the band, Peter is even more susceptible to the idea of a nice six-pack of scotch before bedtime. How on earth will he maintain sobriety in a Street where half the residents pop into the Rovers at lunchtime for several pints and a G &T, where the average blood/alcohol reading is the same as the speed limit, where...(that's enough, we get the idea - ed).

A close second to Peter is sad Joe McIntyre. Is anything going right for this poor sod? He's got loan sharks at his throat, Gary Windass on his back, David Platt in the house and Gail is his main squeeze. No wonder he's addicted to pain killers. Who knew that kitchen renos could be so hazardous to your health? (check with Mike Holmes - ed).

Last, and definitely least, is Eddie Windass. What's he addicted to, you ask? Skiving and petty larceny. If he's not diddling dart money out of the punters, he's stealing Roy's identity, buying Peach Schnapps under false pretenses or stuffing a meat pie under his shirt at the caf. Will he ever learn or is he addicted to skiving and petty crime? I can't say for sure but if I were Roy, I'd change my password at the Cash and Carry (how about 'Billy Joel' ? - ed) and lock up my pies.

Joe Who?

spoiler alert: this posts makes reference to the October 13 episode on CBC

Fasten your seatbelts because I'm going to make a bold and perhaps crazy suggestion (underwear should be worn on the outside? - ed). Joe McIntyre reminds me of Richard Hillman. I know what you're thinking: Corrie Heart, you've finally lost it. Bear with me.

Over the past few months, I thought Joe was simply a hapless victim, a poor fellow in bad financial straits because of the recession. But look at the way he acts and reacts. When his tools were stolen, it was like the end of the world. When the Windasses wouldn't pay their bill, he almost lost it. Then he loses his apartment and is homeless. He seems to have a history of being a loser and a victim, a bit like Willy Loman in 'Death of a Salesman'. Tina seems to know this. At one point, she warns him to be careful and he says: "I'm not going to screw this up, not this time."

But of course he is. His business is in tatters, his home is gone and still he is lavishing gifts on Gail and refusing to tell her the truth. At the Platt's Christmas dinner, he seemed completely out of touch with reality, trying to construct that perfect unreal happy family. He betrayed an almost desparate, disturbing mental state and Gail finally sees it.

"You were out of control, Joe," she says. "I didn’t recognize you. You frighten me."
"I wanted today to be perfect, to be everything I know we could be, could have been," says Joe. "But sometimes just wanting something isn’t enough, is it? Too many other things get in the way."

That's something Richard Hillman might say. He too was out of touch with reality and in search of a 'perfect family'. But in his case, he was also a psycho killer (qu'est-ce que c'est? - ed). Now, Joe is no psycho but he's definitely got big problems. That Gail sure can pick 'em.

Recession-buster

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 31 episode on CBC

Think back eight or nine months ago. You remember all the disastrous events: financial collapse, mortgage crisis, bank bailouts, Canadian Idol etc. etc. That's the prevailing setting for the current Corrie episodes (since Canadians see the show eight or nine months after the episodes are aired in the UK). It explains a lot in terms of what we are currently witnessing on the Street these days. "We are in a global economic downturn," says Tony to the blissfully unaware Underworld squad. (I'm surprised 'T' hasn't blamed the recession on Liam). Everyone, it seems, is taking a hit from the economy and dealing with the crisis in different ways.

The Peter Principle
For Peter Barlow, it's actually a lucky break. His inheritance from Lucy gives him the brass to buy the bookie shop from Dan at a bargain price. The bonus is he gets to move into the flat above the shop and escape Ken's monotonous mithering. Now, if only Jack Duckworth would just come back to the street, bookie revenues would skyrocket.

The Gordon Growth Strategy
Tony is also dealing with hard times. No-one is buying real estate (except Dev who doesn't seem to realize that he's the only punter to buy a flat in that empty building) and money is tighter than... (the padlock on Sean Connery's wallet? - ed). This situation calls for some creative financing. Tony is robbing Peter to pay Paul, or to be more exact, robbing Carla to pay the staff at Underworld. Times must be tough. Julie has even raised the innovative idea of profit sharing.

David Platt's 'Recession-Busting' Initiative
Ol' Joe McIntyre's kitchen fitting business seems to be down for the count. As with many small businesses, cash flow is crucial and he has none. Now that the appropriately named 'Windasses' are refusing to pay £7,000 for a nice, new kitchen with all the mod cons, Joe is facing financial ruin. "No-one's buying anything, least of all kitchens," he explains to his faithful employee and sidekick, David. But, never fear, David has a solution -- and a crowbar. Nothing like a little gentle persuasion to... um... 'coax' the Windasses into paying. A few broken pots and dishes later, David is asking the deadbeats: "Deal or no deal?"

I guess that's a kind of stimulus package.