Top 7 reasons why Eddie Windass gets barred from pubs

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 26 episode on CBC

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that Eddie Windass has been barred from 'several' pubs in the past. This info is revealed by Eddie's wife, Anna, as Eddie is in the process of getting barred from the Rovers for "getting up Becky's nose" (legal term, I believe -ed) about the fact that the Windasses have been approved for an adoption.

That means that, somewhere out there, there's a tiny baby felon (probably wearing stolen diapers) with the Windasses name on him or her (probably in the form of a tattoo - ed). But I digress. The burning question is: why has Eddie been barred from so many pubs in the past? One can only hazard a guess, but I suspect the top seven reasons probably go something like this:

7. smoking smelly cigars in the washroom and then saying to patrons, "I wouldn't go in there for 10 minutes, mate."
6. trying to steal the pub darts -- while the punters are still playing with them.
5. 'borrowing money' from the orphans' Christmas fund jar on the bar counter
4. leaving his cab running outside so he can nip in for a pint - while leaving pets and children in the car with the windows up
3. unplugging the jukebox and insisting that patrons pay him to sing 'Born this Way'
2. combing his hair at the bar despite repeated warnings
1. misinterpreting the barmaid when she asks: "Would you like some scratchin' s?"

Addiction

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the march 23 episode on CBC

What is it about Coronation Street men and addiction? Right at this moment, we have three classic examples of Corrie males driven to distraction by their personal demons (undercooked hotpot? - ed).

Leading the pack is Peter Barlow, waging a one-man war against alcohol (first casualty: Blanche's bottle of sherry - ed). The only thing standing between Peter and alcoholism is Simon - and the high price of lager at the Rovers. Now that Michelle's left for a six-month tour with the band, Peter is even more susceptible to the idea of a nice six-pack of scotch before bedtime. How on earth will he maintain sobriety in a Street where half the residents pop into the Rovers at lunchtime for several pints and a G &T, where the average blood/alcohol reading is the same as the speed limit, where...(that's enough, we get the idea - ed).

A close second to Peter is sad Joe McIntyre. Is anything going right for this poor sod? He's got loan sharks at his throat, Gary Windass on his back, David Platt in the house and Gail is his main squeeze. No wonder he's addicted to pain killers. Who knew that kitchen renos could be so hazardous to your health? (check with Mike Holmes - ed).

Last, and definitely least, is Eddie Windass. What's he addicted to, you ask? Skiving and petty larceny. If he's not diddling dart money out of the punters, he's stealing Roy's identity, buying Peach Schnapps under false pretenses or stuffing a meat pie under his shirt at the caf. Will he ever learn or is he addicted to skiving and petty crime? I can't say for sure but if I were Roy, I'd change my password at the Cash and Carry (how about 'Billy Joel' ? - ed) and lock up my pies.

Special Ed

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the November 23 episode on CBC

Geez Louise, that Eddie Windass is something else (you mean not human? -ed). Never in the history of human skiving have so many been fiddled for so much by so few. First, there was the kitchen (by not-so-Klever Kitchens - ed), then there's the ongoing compo fraud, the auto-mugging, the darts boondoggle, the 'Wakefield thing' (whatever that is) and on and on. It's like you need a spreadsheet program just to keep track of all the scams (How about Macrosoft's Xhell? Ten quid from Gary and no questions asked - ed).

No bulls-eye, but lots of bull...

No wonder the visiting darts team (the Dread Arrows with the legendary but silent Phil 'the Power' Taylor) got so angry once they got wind of Windass (I guess it was his signature dart throw which gave him away: the famous light fixture ricochet - ed). After that, well, all hell breaks loose. I can't really say it any better than the guy from Dread Arrows who opined: "Different name, different hair, but that gimpy throw. I'd know that anywhere. Get back here you little toad. Get 'im."

Then before you can say 'hey, my leg feels all better', Eddie has legged it up a ladder above a throng of red-faced punters all screaming for blood. Turns out ol Eddie has pulled the same scam at five other boozers ( a serial skiver - ed). But the best line comes from Eddie's startled wife:

"What’s my husband doing up that ladder?" she says distressed.

Reaching for the stars, Anna, just reaching for the stars.

SHS averted?

no spoilers were used in the making of this post

It wasn't long ago that Blanche's Polish Hip (BPH) issued a Serious Hunk Shortage (SHS) memo to Coronation Street Supremos. We didn't take this step lightly. On the contrary, BPH rarely issues such edicts and considers it a last resort (last time was after Len Fairclough left - ed).

While response to our plea for a replacement hunk was slow, we remained cautiously optimistic. But then, as we pondered who could possibly fill Liam's shoes (not to mention his jeans- ed), there appeared a vision of manhood not often seen on this planet, conjured it seems from some unfortunate, magical male DNA. I'm talking about Ed Windass, of course.

I guess you could say that's one small step for man... (all his steps are small due to his fake leg injury - ed). Now, some may argue that old Ed is one of those proverbial buried treasures (certainly covered with dirt - ed) or maybe even what some women would call a 'fixer upper' (or a 'tearer-downer' - ed). Some may even point to his assets: his lustrous Braveheart-style mane of hair, his entrepreneurial creativity (compo scam), his international savoir-faire (Spanish pubs), his penchant for fine cigars (if he could afford them). Some Windass groupies may even point out that Ed now has a job as a taxi driver.

This may be true. I'm sure Ed has his good points (actually lost them for speeding - ed). But I'm not sure that he's the answer to the dreams of all those who are pining for Liam. In other words, there's still an SHS on the Street. I guess I'd better send another memo.