please note this post makes reference to the August 6 episode on CBC
"Ladies and gentleman, thank you for joining us and welcome as we bring you live coverage of the Annual Bessie Street School Olympics. We have already witnessed an astonishing day of sport here at the magnificent Ken Barlow Outdoor Centre for Athletic Adequacy (KBOCAA).
Britain's Amy Barlow has already captured her fair share of medals with electrifying performances in the 100, 200 and 300 metre sprint for children who will need therapy later in life.
But now, the main event. Yes, it's the father's sack race. This is truly the marquee event of the day so, without further ado, let's go down to the field and meet the starting lineup.
On the outside lane is an anonymous unnamed father with glasses.
Next is Dev Allahan. Dev, nicknamed Insane Dolt, had a disappointing race last year due to marital difficulties but he says he is now in top form.
Next to Dev, some other miscellaneous dads without names and then we have a newcomer, Nick Tilsley. While not technically a dad, the IOC has ruled that Tilsley, aka the Bistro Bobber, is eligible. Next to Tilsley is Peter Barlow. Barlow was certainly a favourite to win the Dry Sack race but we're not so sure about this one.
And, they're off !
It's Allahan, followed by Barlow followed by Tilsley. Allahan got off to a fast start but he's starting to fade as the nameless dads are catching up and now Barlow is pushing forward. Look at that form! They say he's great in the sack and so far, ladies and gentlemen, he seems to have this race in the bag.
But wait, now it's the non-dad making a move. Yes, it's Tilsley bobbing up on the inside. Tilsley now pushing though the pack and taking the lead. As they approach the tape, it's all Tilsely. Just look at his sack, ladies (and gentlemen)! So small, so compact yet so efficient. And at the finish, it's Tilsley. Nick Tilsley brings home the gold!"
Showing posts with label Nick Tilsley. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nick Tilsley. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
How to steal wine from a warehouse: A Coronation Street guide
please note: this post makes reference to the March 19 episode on CBC
At Blanche's Polish Hip, we're proud to present another in a series of acclaimed, educational articles. Following our highly successful guide to retail banking financial strategies, otherwise known as: "Big Jim's Top Ten Tips for Bank Robbing" , we now offer you a follow-up article.
At Blanche's Polish Hip, we're proud to present another in a series of acclaimed, educational articles. Following our highly successful guide to retail banking financial strategies, otherwise known as: "Big Jim's Top Ten Tips for Bank Robbing" , we now offer you a follow-up article.
HOW TO STEAL WINE FROM A WAREHOUSE
by
Eva Price
1. Get Nick to drive you over to the warehouse in an unmarked car. Oh sorry, I meant a highly visible motor vehicle with "Nick's Bistro" plastered all over the side.
2. Wear appropriate clothing for a night-time heist. I suggest a low-cut, black cocktail dress showing lots of cleavage and three-inch heels. You may need a light coat if the weather is parky.
3. Charm the security guard by offering to trade him access to the warehouse for sex. Be as explicit as possible.
4. Enter the warehouse by climbing through a washroom window. DO NOT REMOVE YOUR HIGH HEELS. (You'll want to look gorgeous for later).
5. Pretend to get stuck while climbing in through the window so Nick will have to push your tush (BONUS! LOL)
6. Enter the premises with Nick and locate the wine.
7. Before loading the wine into the van, try it on with Nick and see if you can have a quick legover in the warehouse before completing the theft. The danger of being caught just heightens the sexual excitement (or so I have read).
8. Don't sneeze while the security guard is singing even though he's no Lady Gaga. (BONUS. Nick has to hold your nose. That can be a turn on)
9. Drive off with the cases of Cuvee du Manchester (It was a very good month) in the back of the van.
10. Try again to have a legover with Nick when you get back to the bistro.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The Platt Genome
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 18 episode on CBC
I never had Nick Tilsley/Platt pegged as the maniacal evil genius type. Show-off? Yes. Momma's Boy? Definitely? Big talker? Affirmative. Quasi-Canadian? eh? Commitment-phobe? Can't say either way. The point is, I generally considered Nick to be the "I'm taking my marbles and going home" type of guy rather than the "cold, calculating" type of guy.
It seems that I'm wrong.
Nick seems to have brilliantly masterminded the demise of Peter (that's not really too hard, all you need is a bottle of voddie -ed) and is well on his way to breaking up the happy union of Leanne and Peter -- before they even roll/walk down the aisle. And, Nick is doing all this with an evil grin and a Mr Burn's cackle. One might even say 'Excellent!'
It's almost like David (you know the one with the weedwacker hairdo - ed) and Nick are twin brothers, spawned from exactly the same unholy genetic code (DNA + G&T ? - ed). David used to be the only psycho in town but now Nick's acting like a top-grade manipulative maniac. He reintroduced Peter to alcohol (only took 3.5 secs - ed). He pretended to be Peter's best friend. He engineered the rift between Leanne and Peter and the ouster of Janice. He even caused Leanne to miss Peter's physio session (watch me while I get a leg over! -ed). Now Peter is a mess and Nick is just waiting to pick up the pieces.
It's all going according to plan, a plan reminiscent of David's psycho attempts to win back Tina. Just remind me again? How successful was that? Nick may succeed in winning the battle when it comes to sabotaging Peter, but winning back Leanne? Well, that's quite a different story.
I never had Nick Tilsley/Platt pegged as the maniacal evil genius type. Show-off? Yes. Momma's Boy? Definitely? Big talker? Affirmative. Quasi-Canadian? eh? Commitment-phobe? Can't say either way. The point is, I generally considered Nick to be the "I'm taking my marbles and going home" type of guy rather than the "cold, calculating" type of guy.
It seems that I'm wrong.
Nick seems to have brilliantly masterminded the demise of Peter (that's not really too hard, all you need is a bottle of voddie -ed) and is well on his way to breaking up the happy union of Leanne and Peter -- before they even roll/walk down the aisle. And, Nick is doing all this with an evil grin and a Mr Burn's cackle. One might even say 'Excellent!'
It's almost like David (you know the one with the weedwacker hairdo - ed) and Nick are twin brothers, spawned from exactly the same unholy genetic code (DNA + G&T ? - ed). David used to be the only psycho in town but now Nick's acting like a top-grade manipulative maniac. He reintroduced Peter to alcohol (only took 3.5 secs - ed). He pretended to be Peter's best friend. He engineered the rift between Leanne and Peter and the ouster of Janice. He even caused Leanne to miss Peter's physio session (watch me while I get a leg over! -ed). Now Peter is a mess and Nick is just waiting to pick up the pieces.
It's all going according to plan, a plan reminiscent of David's psycho attempts to win back Tina. Just remind me again? How successful was that? Nick may succeed in winning the battle when it comes to sabotaging Peter, but winning back Leanne? Well, that's quite a different story.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Nick (Tilsley) at Nite
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 6 episode on CBC
I won't lie to you. I'm having a hard time adjusting to the one-hour episodes of Coronation Street. It's like you've been nibbling on hors d'oeuvres or appetizers for years (tapas surely? - ed) and you have your routine down pat (first commercial break, tea; second break, chocolate digestive; third break, washroom; fourth break, Tums). Then, after years of appetizers, someone finally puts a full English in front of you. Yes, it's a feast but I have to pace myself. (Get on with it! - ed)
Which brings me to Nick at nite. Yes, Nick Tilsley is hard at work (oi! watch it! - ed) running the city's latest hotspot (at least it will be when Leanne wants to claim the insurance money - ed) and bringing in all the cool, young punters. Even Rosie thinks that her mom (aka 'Mom babe') is too fossilized for the funky, electro-beat stylings of Studio Shifty Bore (aka 'Nick's wine bar').
So is Nick happy with his new business venture? Sadly. no. Sure he managed to get Leanne drunk on opening night and they copped off after pouring champagne down their respective necks. But now Nick wants more. He spends his time slagging off Peter and pining for Leanne. Leanne is racked with guilt and trying to focus on her wedding. In fact the whole thing is a bit of a mess. (God help us if Gail decides to stick her oar in and starts hanging out at wine bar just to find out what's really bothering 'her Nick').
Add to the fact that the Joinery seems to be massively over staffed and mostly generating revenue from Carla's alcohol consumption and I think this is one wine bar which may be well and truly doomed. Maybe they can get a furniture manufacturer to take over the premises. At last they wouldn't have to change the name...
I won't lie to you. I'm having a hard time adjusting to the one-hour episodes of Coronation Street. It's like you've been nibbling on hors d'oeuvres or appetizers for years (tapas surely? - ed) and you have your routine down pat (first commercial break, tea; second break, chocolate digestive; third break, washroom; fourth break, Tums). Then, after years of appetizers, someone finally puts a full English in front of you. Yes, it's a feast but I have to pace myself. (Get on with it! - ed)
Which brings me to Nick at nite. Yes, Nick Tilsley is hard at work (oi! watch it! - ed) running the city's latest hotspot (at least it will be when Leanne wants to claim the insurance money - ed) and bringing in all the cool, young punters. Even Rosie thinks that her mom (aka 'Mom babe') is too fossilized for the funky, electro-beat stylings of Studio Shifty Bore (aka 'Nick's wine bar').
So is Nick happy with his new business venture? Sadly. no. Sure he managed to get Leanne drunk on opening night and they copped off after pouring champagne down their respective necks. But now Nick wants more. He spends his time slagging off Peter and pining for Leanne. Leanne is racked with guilt and trying to focus on her wedding. In fact the whole thing is a bit of a mess. (God help us if Gail decides to stick her oar in and starts hanging out at wine bar just to find out what's really bothering 'her Nick').
Add to the fact that the Joinery seems to be massively over staffed and mostly generating revenue from Carla's alcohol consumption and I think this is one wine bar which may be well and truly doomed. Maybe they can get a furniture manufacturer to take over the premises. At last they wouldn't have to change the name...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Nick's Nicknames
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 19 episode on CBC
Well, it looks like we won't be needing the countdown clock for when Gail Platt loses her job. A shame really, especially since our IT intern (Luke Skivewalker) came up with idea. Oh well, on the bright side, there were so many good lines in yesterday's episode of Corrie that I will be doing two TGIFs this week: one on Thursday (TGIT? - ed) with a selection of Natasha's gems as she wreaked vengeance up and down the street and the regular Friday edition with the rest of the memorable lines of the week.
But for today, let's revisit Nick Tilsley's unforgivable habit of assigning unflattering nicknames to his co-workers at Underworld. What is the (under) world coming to when working colleagues show such disrespect for one another? (get on with it, squid legs! - ed).
So, in order to condemn this ignoble practice, let's recap Nick's list of nicknames:
He refers to Sean as 'limp wrists' (as opposed to Danny Baldwin who called Sean 'fruitcake', I believe)
Janice is 'grunting garden gnome', terrible! (although given her first aid training, I would have thought he would have gone for something like 'Nurse Wacky').
Julie is 'Jackie No' awful! (although, given her surname, he might have gone with 'Carp Diem' or 'Fish Fingers')
Carla is Mount Everest because she's icy and you wouldn't want to go there. Tsk tsk! (I thought he would have come up with something more like 'Matterhorny' but what do I know).
Trevor? Well, Nick didn't mention anything but I suspect it was something along the lines of 'Bin there, done nowt' or 'Homo defectus'. Again, quite inexcusable!
Fiz? Not mentioned either but probably 'Red Menace' or 'Mrs Kidnapper'. What an outrage!
Kirk? Probably just 'Kirk' (ouch, now that hurts! - ed)
As I say, Blanche's Polish Hip roundly condemns this behavior and we believe that Nick should be severely reprimanded... by his mom.
NUMBER OF DAYS THAT GAIL PLATT HAS KEPT HER JOB AT THE CLINIC AFTER VIOLATING PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY: 1 (now closed)
Well, it looks like we won't be needing the countdown clock for when Gail Platt loses her job. A shame really, especially since our IT intern (Luke Skivewalker) came up with idea. Oh well, on the bright side, there were so many good lines in yesterday's episode of Corrie that I will be doing two TGIFs this week: one on Thursday (TGIT? - ed) with a selection of Natasha's gems as she wreaked vengeance up and down the street and the regular Friday edition with the rest of the memorable lines of the week.
But for today, let's revisit Nick Tilsley's unforgivable habit of assigning unflattering nicknames to his co-workers at Underworld. What is the (under) world coming to when working colleagues show such disrespect for one another? (get on with it, squid legs! - ed).
So, in order to condemn this ignoble practice, let's recap Nick's list of nicknames:
He refers to Sean as 'limp wrists' (as opposed to Danny Baldwin who called Sean 'fruitcake', I believe)
Janice is 'grunting garden gnome', terrible! (although given her first aid training, I would have thought he would have gone for something like 'Nurse Wacky').
Julie is 'Jackie No' awful! (although, given her surname, he might have gone with 'Carp Diem' or 'Fish Fingers')
Carla is Mount Everest because she's icy and you wouldn't want to go there. Tsk tsk! (I thought he would have come up with something more like 'Matterhorny' but what do I know).
Trevor? Well, Nick didn't mention anything but I suspect it was something along the lines of 'Bin there, done nowt' or 'Homo defectus'. Again, quite inexcusable!
Fiz? Not mentioned either but probably 'Red Menace' or 'Mrs Kidnapper'. What an outrage!
Kirk? Probably just 'Kirk' (ouch, now that hurts! - ed)
As I say, Blanche's Polish Hip roundly condemns this behavior and we believe that Nick should be severely reprimanded... by his mom.
***
Official Counter
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Nick Tilsley: Hunk or Skunk?
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 6 episode on CBC
On many occasions, I have decried the SHS or Serious Hunk Shortage on Coronation Street so I was prepared to take a 'wait and see' approach when Nick Tilsley (Version 2.0) showed up again in Weatherfield. After all, he seemed to have some dosh, a flash car, a rugged face and that 'almost unshaven look'. Plus he had plans. Big plans. He waltzed into Underworld and made Carla an offer...that she could refuse. (that's not how they do it in the MBA program - ed).
But eventually he wangled his way into a partnership thanks to poor Kelly Crabtree's computer industrial espionage ("I don't do Windows"). So what's the problem?
Well, Corrie comrades, the problem is that Nick is becoming less attractive by the second. Oh, sure, there were some clues along the way. First, he tossed poor Kelly Crabtree aside like a day-old barm cake. Then he... wait for it... moves in with his Mom (Gail Force). Then he is too busy to really get involved in his Mom's murder trial. And, when he does, he does it by stealing a few thousand quid from his boss and paying off a Polish witness to lie in court (she takes the money and runs). Then he takes up with Natasha and borrows money from her to re-start the factory after the fire. But, after a consultation with noted relationship expert Gail Platt, he decides to bin Natasha and play seducto-boy with his ex, Leanne.
Just how bad is Nick? This bad: he actually makes David Platt look good. There, I said it. As for the hunk shortage, well it looks like we're down to just a few good men... and I'm afraid Norris might be one of them.
On many occasions, I have decried the SHS or Serious Hunk Shortage on Coronation Street so I was prepared to take a 'wait and see' approach when Nick Tilsley (Version 2.0) showed up again in Weatherfield. After all, he seemed to have some dosh, a flash car, a rugged face and that 'almost unshaven look'. Plus he had plans. Big plans. He waltzed into Underworld and made Carla an offer...that she could refuse. (that's not how they do it in the MBA program - ed).
But eventually he wangled his way into a partnership thanks to poor Kelly Crabtree's computer industrial espionage ("I don't do Windows"). So what's the problem?
Well, Corrie comrades, the problem is that Nick is becoming less attractive by the second. Oh, sure, there were some clues along the way. First, he tossed poor Kelly Crabtree aside like a day-old barm cake. Then he... wait for it... moves in with his Mom (Gail Force). Then he is too busy to really get involved in his Mom's murder trial. And, when he does, he does it by stealing a few thousand quid from his boss and paying off a Polish witness to lie in court (she takes the money and runs). Then he takes up with Natasha and borrows money from her to re-start the factory after the fire. But, after a consultation with noted relationship expert Gail Platt, he decides to bin Natasha and play seducto-boy with his ex, Leanne.
Just how bad is Nick? This bad: he actually makes David Platt look good. There, I said it. As for the hunk shortage, well it looks like we're down to just a few good men... and I'm afraid Norris might be one of them.
***
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Deborah is undoubtedly Canada's #1 fan (she won a contest) and has an incredible array of photos, stories, memorabilia and other Corrie stuff on her site. I invite you to take a peek.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
'Saint' Nick Tilsley wants to get into ladies underwear
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Dec 8 episode on CBC
DONT FORGET THE CBC CORONATION STREET SPECIAL TONIGHT - CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS
Geez. I haven't seen so many underwater shots on an episode of Corrie since Peter Barlow's sub disappeared off the coast of Ireland in search of a sunken bottle of Grey Goose (das booze? - ed). But I digress, my question of the day is: what's up with Nick Tilsley?
The last I heard of him he was living in Vancouver (somewhere near Full English Bay - ed) but apparently his residency in the Canada didn't take (couldn't get a decent barm cake - ed) and he wound up in Nottingham working in the garment business.
It was nice of Nick to return to Weatherfield for his mam's latest headcase marriage (David's term, not mine) and then return again to 'Plattsburgh' because he was having miscellaneous problems with his landlord and evidently there were no other housing options available in the Greater Nottingham Area (How about Little John's B&B? - ed).
No sooner does Saint Nick return to Weatherfield than he strides over to Underworld and pushes his way into Carla's office looking to became a partner in the business based solely on the fact that he used to work at the factory and apparently likes the cut of her jib. (well, Carla does have a very attractive jib - ed). (Apparently, he's very interested in getting into ladies' knickers). Carla then discovers that her pal, Leanne, once had a thing with Nick (yes, but that was two 'Nicks' ago - ed). Then, Nicko storms off and out of Gail's house because he doesn't believe her tales of the sea and suspects Joe is up to no good. Just what Gail needs right now: more aggravation.
DONT FORGET THE CBC CORONATION STREET SPECIAL TONIGHT - CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS
Geez. I haven't seen so many underwater shots on an episode of Corrie since Peter Barlow's sub disappeared off the coast of Ireland in search of a sunken bottle of Grey Goose (das booze? - ed). But I digress, my question of the day is: what's up with Nick Tilsley?
The last I heard of him he was living in Vancouver (somewhere near Full English Bay - ed) but apparently his residency in the Canada didn't take (couldn't get a decent barm cake - ed) and he wound up in Nottingham working in the garment business.
It was nice of Nick to return to Weatherfield for his mam's latest headcase marriage (David's term, not mine) and then return again to 'Plattsburgh' because he was having miscellaneous problems with his landlord and evidently there were no other housing options available in the Greater Nottingham Area (How about Little John's B&B? - ed).
No sooner does Saint Nick return to Weatherfield than he strides over to Underworld and pushes his way into Carla's office looking to became a partner in the business based solely on the fact that he used to work at the factory and apparently likes the cut of her jib. (well, Carla does have a very attractive jib - ed). (Apparently, he's very interested in getting into ladies' knickers). Carla then discovers that her pal, Leanne, once had a thing with Nick (yes, but that was two 'Nicks' ago - ed). Then, Nicko storms off and out of Gail's house because he doesn't believe her tales of the sea and suspects Joe is up to no good. Just what Gail needs right now: more aggravation.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Canadian Idol
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Oct 12 episode on CBC
My, my, Nick Tilsley is back in town and he certainly seems different (almost like he's a different person - ed). Let's quickly summarize. Nick, the son of Gail Platt, is usually found in... Canada! I know what you're thinking (get on with it? - ed). Canada is not where most exiled Corrie citizens end up. They usually wind up in Spain or maybe Australia or even London.
So what was Nick doing in Canada? Oh, you know, the usual: eating bacon, watching ice hockey, wearing a Mountie uniform and driving a canoe with all the mod cons (Oar on the floor? - ed). Of course, it's tough being an Englishman among all those rough-hewn, log rolling colonials, so Nicky makes the occasional visit to Weatherfield where he fights with Gail, impresses the punters with his Canadian accent and 'explores' his sexuality among the local talent.
He had a thing with Leanne but that didn't pan out and he returned to Canada. Then he had a thing with Maria but that didn't pan out so he returned to Canada (I'm surprised he didn't head to the airport after Tina left the bar - ed). Notice a pattern? Then, of course, there was his ambiguous friendship with Todd Grimshaw (Sarah Louise Platt's ex).
Why is Nick back on the Street? Well, it seems that he was summoned by his Gran, Audrey, probably via carrier pigeon ("lovey, they don't have phones in Canada"). Nick's immediate task seems to be stop Gail from marrying 'A Waste of Space' (Joe's middle name? - ed). But I'm sure that Nick's quest will also involve some romantic overtures (male or female? - ed). Either way, the new and improved Nick certainly adds some much needed male eye-candy to the street and, with the recent departure of Luke 'Warm' Strong, I guess that's a good thing.
My, my, Nick Tilsley is back in town and he certainly seems different (almost like he's a different person - ed). Let's quickly summarize. Nick, the son of Gail Platt, is usually found in... Canada! I know what you're thinking (get on with it? - ed). Canada is not where most exiled Corrie citizens end up. They usually wind up in Spain or maybe Australia or even London.
So what was Nick doing in Canada? Oh, you know, the usual: eating bacon, watching ice hockey, wearing a Mountie uniform and driving a canoe with all the mod cons (Oar on the floor? - ed). Of course, it's tough being an Englishman among all those rough-hewn, log rolling colonials, so Nicky makes the occasional visit to Weatherfield where he fights with Gail, impresses the punters with his Canadian accent and 'explores' his sexuality among the local talent.
He had a thing with Leanne but that didn't pan out and he returned to Canada. Then he had a thing with Maria but that didn't pan out so he returned to Canada (I'm surprised he didn't head to the airport after Tina left the bar - ed). Notice a pattern? Then, of course, there was his ambiguous friendship with Todd Grimshaw (Sarah Louise Platt's ex).
Why is Nick back on the Street? Well, it seems that he was summoned by his Gran, Audrey, probably via carrier pigeon ("lovey, they don't have phones in Canada"). Nick's immediate task seems to be stop Gail from marrying 'A Waste of Space' (Joe's middle name? - ed). But I'm sure that Nick's quest will also involve some romantic overtures (male or female? - ed). Either way, the new and improved Nick certainly adds some much needed male eye-candy to the street and, with the recent departure of Luke 'Warm' Strong, I guess that's a good thing.
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