Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Stape sentence

note: this post makes reference to the November 6 episode on CBC

scene: Her Majesty' Court, Sentencing of John Stape, defendant

Judge: At this time, I'm pleased to allow the defendant to address the court.

John Stape: Thank you, your honour. I'd like to say... well, um... I'd like to say that I’m very sorry for everything that happened. I know what I did, kidnapping a young woman, was a very serious offence. But I never harmed her and I never would have. I tried to make sure that she had everything that she needed...

Judge: Even pasta salad?

JS: Yes, your honour even pasta salad, and copies of Celebrity magazine. Furthermore I assure the court that Ms. Webster was never in any discomfort or fear. I would also like to apprise the court of the psychological scars and hardship which I, the defendant, endured during those nightmarish five weeks in which I was exposed continually to mental abuse from Ms. Webster. Her petty demands for biscuits, kebabs, tabloid trash magazines and Posh Spice memorabilia were agonizing and have left deep scars.

If it please the court, this is a young woman who is able to tax the patience of even the most law-abiding citizen. She is so intelligence-deprived, she thinks the 'bard' refers to people who have been banned from the Rovers. She stared at a can of orange juice for three hours because it said 'concentrate'. She asked me how long it would take to cook 'Minute Rice'. When I told her I knew a one-legged man named Smith, she asked me the name of his other leg. (sobbing) I'm so sorry for the kidnapping, your honour. Please, just send me to jail.

Judge: John Stape, your offences of kidnapping and false imprisonment are serious. You kept a young woman prisoner for five weeks. Of course, this had the spin-off effect of providing residents of Coronation Street with a much-needed five-week break from Rosie Webster and her numerous crimes against fashion. If this case had gone to trial, I would have imposed a sentence of three years imprisonment. By reason of your guilty plea and other mitigating circumstances, I’m reducing that to two years and a day of imprisonment - minus two years. You will serve at least half of this sentence in custody. The rest of the time, you may mope around the vicinity of Roy's Rolls and have a barm cake. Take him down. This court is adjourned.


Thanks very much for the nice comments on the ocassion of post #100. Much appreciated and cheers to all.

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