Wednesday, October 5, 2011

John Stape explains how to phone someone in Canada

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 4 episode on CBC

John Stape is sinking deeper and deeper into his own self-constructed web of lies. He can't help it. Lying has become an involuntary reflex for ol' Johnnie -- like breathing or having a pint at the Rovers. But one of the consequences of lying is the unfortunate impact it has on innocent bystanders like poor old Colin Fishwick's Mum.

The Stapes happen to run into Mrs. Fishwick at the 'Coronation Street Wing' of the Weatherfield Hospital and Stape has a sudden pang of conscience about the people who have... er... snuffed it under his watch. Colin, as you will recall, keeled over in the Stape house (aka death row(house) - ed) and was subsequently given a touching cement burial in Underworld (may he rest in knickers - ed).

Colin's Mum wants to phone Colin and she thinks he's in Canada (again). How is she to know that Canada is a euphemism for the afterlife? (well, TimBits are rather heavenly - ed). Anyway, John tells Mrs. Fishwick she can't speak to Colin but she can leave a message on his cellphone. And, being such a kind killer, John even tells her a bit about the phone protocol in Canada. I'd like to expand on that as a public service:  

When to call Canada?
After dark. We don't like to answer our phones unless we can't see them (we're funny that way).

How much does it cost to call Canada?
Oddly, it's a local call and, better still, all fees are charged to John Stape.

How to call Canada?
Dial a cellphone number (John will write it down for you) and leave a message. A Bell Canada employee will review the message, assess its content and then decide whether to forward it to one of 30 million phone users.

Why call Canada?
Most missing persons tend to cluster in Canada for a variety of reasons including: Shania Twain, Niagara Falls, ice wine & hockey.

How does phone sex work in Canada?
Badly. First you dial John Stape's cellphone number and leave a voicemail message. Someone will get back to you with a Bell Canada-approved response within 5-7 business days anytime between 8 a.m. and noon or between 2 p.m. and 7 p.m.. (However, I must say it seems unlikely that Mrs. Fishwick would be interested in this subject).

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