Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Job Posting: Underworld Head of Distribution

please note this post makes reference to the June 4 episode on CBC

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN LADIES’ UNDERWEAR?
UNDERWORLD PLC IS SEEKING A DYNAMIC CANDIDATE TO FILL THE POSITION OF HEAD OF DISTRIBUTION – EUROPE (BUT MOSTLY MANCHESTER) 

Position Overview
The Head of Distribution will have responsibility of overseeing the packing, loading and delivery of boxes of knickers for Almost In Time (AIT) delivery to lascivious, seedy old pervs in the Northern garment business.

The Head of Distribution is a member of the Company’s Senior Management Team working with Michelle, Vice President of Very Fit. The position reports directly to President and MERLOT CEO, Carla. A support staff team will be working under you, mostly Tracy.

Core job functions include:
Report directly to Carla on distribution activities, Tracy’s skiving and Kirk’s productivity (should it rise above zero)
Effectively manage the distribution staff through support, mentoring, collaboration, empowerment and frequent legovers (applies mostly to Tracy, not Kirk)
Oversee all aspects of distribution, leveraging jail experience to develop clandestine and fraudulent initiatives (like stealing)
Establish and implement short- and long-range goals, objectives, policies and operating procedures (ripping off Carla, getting on Michelle’s nerves, using the van for horizontal yoga with Tracy etc. etc.)

Required knowledge, skills and abilities:
Sharp suits & flash car
Bachelor’s degree (or just a bachelor will do)
Minimum 5 years experience… in prison
Proven ability to take knickers to the next level
Strong ability to fiddle books
Must be willing to travel (one way only according to Michelle)

We thank all those who apply but only Rob will be contacted.  Underworld is an equal opportunity employer (we don’t discriminate against skivers or felons). 

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