Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Mr Sub

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 17 episode on CBC

Seven days ago, on this very blog, the SHS (serious hunk shortage) was flagged as a crisis on the Street and an issue requiring immediate attention. Six days later, Peter Barlow rides to the rescue, jumping out of a car with the latest addition to the ever-expanding, ever-dysfunctional Barlow clan (Authorities have issued a 'sprog alert' - ed). You'll forgive me if I'm less than ecstatic.

Don't get me wrong. Peter's a fine lad and, yes, he served his country with distinction for many years on a submarine (the HMS Bladdered? - ed) - but he falls well short of bona fide hunk status. Why? Let's review the chronology of his return to the Street.

Hour 1: He is already smoking like a chimney and complaining to Ken about his hard times and the fact that he's been lumbered with a young'un. (To paraphrase a line from the Simpsons 'kissing Peter Barlow would be like kissing some divine ashtray')

Hour 2: He is in the Rovers, knocking back booze at a speed which would amaze Usain Bolt.

Hour 3: He is well lathered and publicly trying to give away his son to anyone in the Rovers. (another lottery? Good job Janice wasn't there. - ed)

Day 2: He is in the Rovers (right at the lunchtime opening bell) slinging back another batch of whiskies and lumbering home breathing noxious alcohol fumes. If he had run into Puff the Magic Dragon, he would probably have caused a minor explosion.

So far, so good. Now, I know Peter's had a hard time and his hard drinking, heavy smoking ways are a testament to his naval experience. (not to mention bigamy - ed) But, to paraphrase the Village People, he's not in the navy. He's supposed to be a responsible, sober adult - with a young child. If he ever cleaned up his act, he might become a little more attractive to the ladies on the Street -- but right now he's no hunk. In fact, Mr Sub is acting more like Mr. Sub-par.

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