Thursday, October 15, 2009

Tabloid Teen

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

by Hannah Steele, Weatherfield Gazette

A sexy, local undergarment factory employee was held in forcible confinement for days on end to satisfy the deviant, bizarre peccadilloes of a deranged former English teacher.

Rosie Webster, a curvy Coronation Street teenager with celebrity aspirations, told the Gazette in an exclusive interview, that her weeks of hell began when pervy predator John Stape threw her into the back of a taxi and drove her to his Gran's lonely house, recently vacated by both the Gran (deceased) and her cat, Slick (disappeared). Ms. Webster (shown on pages 5 and 6 in a variety of swimsuits, tube tops and thongs which she donned for an exclusive Gazette photo session) told the Gazette that she was terrified during her three-week ordeal.

"John Stape was a complete creep," she told the Gazette. "Yes, we had it off briefly while he was a teacher but that's no reason to keep me locked up in Gran's grotty attic with no Celebrity magazines and lectures about boring English literature. Gross!"

Ms. Webster, who has obviously blocked out the more salacious details of her imprisonment for deep psychological reasons, has clearly been traumatized by the kidnapping episode and seemed dull, vacant and even intellectually challenged throughout the interview.

Next week: "The sadistic saddo brought me pasta salad!"

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