Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Dear Kevin Webster...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Dec 13 episode on CBC

Weatherfield Automotive & Garage Fittings Wholesalers
Hydraulic Lift Division
5214 Annie Walker Drive
Weatherfield, UK

Dear Mr. Webster,

Congratulations on your recent purchase of the Supreme Liftmaster 7000 which combines the latest computer technology with 10,000 PSI of lifting power to satisfy all of your most demanding car lifting needs.

With the Liftmaster 7000, you will be able to easily and effortlessly lift all manner of vehicles from sub-compact cars to heavy trucks, all with the just the push of a button. (Please consult manual for button information). While the advantages of the Liftmaster 7000 are many, we are indeed sorry to learn of your recent unfortunate experience with this leading-edge equipment. According to the details of your profanity-laced phone call, you state that the Liftmaster 7000 is a "flaming disgrace" and that it "nearly bloody killed me" while "knackering me collar bone and other vitals and preventing me from looking after me lovechild, baby Jack."

While our legal department expresses its sincere regrets for any inconvenience you many have experienced in the course of operating this state-of-the-art machinery, our initial assessment indicates that the Liftmaster 7000 was not the cause of the 'incident' , but rather the spanner-wielding antics of your bitter, angry business partner with whose wife you.. er 'had it off'.

Under these circumstances, we cannot accept any blame or liability for your unfortunate injuries (especially since you elected not to take the extended warranty option). Thank you for your continuing loyalty and we look forward to meeting your car lifting needs in the future.


etc. etc

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