At Blanche's Polish Hip, we're proud to present another in a series of acclaimed, educational articles. Following our highly successful guide to retail banking financial strategies, otherwise known as: "Big Jim's Top Ten Tips for Bank Robbing" , we now offer you a follow-up article.
HOW TO STEAL WINE FROM A WAREHOUSE
1. Get Nick to drive you over to the warehouse in an unmarked car. Oh sorry, I meant a highly visible motor vehicle with "Nick's Bistro" plastered all over the side.
2. Wear appropriate clothing for a night-time heist. I suggest a low-cut, black cocktail dress showing lots of cleavage and three-inch heels. You may need a light coat if the weather is parky.
3. Charm the security guard by offering to trade him access to the warehouse for sex. Be as explicit as possible.
4. Enter the warehouse by climbing through a washroom window. DO NOT REMOVE YOUR HIGH HEELS. (You'll want to look gorgeous for later).
5. Pretend to get stuck while climbing in through the window so Nick will have to push your tush (BONUS! LOL)
6. Enter the premises with Nick and locate the wine.
7. Before loading the wine into the van, try it on with Nick and see if you can have a quick legover in the warehouse before completing the theft. The danger of being caught just heightens the sexual excitement (or so I have read).
8. Don't sneeze while the security guard is singing even though he's no Lady Gaga. (BONUS. Nick has to hold your nose. That can be a turn on)
9. Drive off with the cases of Cuvee du Manchester (It was a very good month) in the back of the van.
10. Try again to have a legover with Nick when you get back to the bistro.