If Kirsty Soames had made a public appeal...

please note this post makes reference to the Feb 25 episode on CBC

Well it looks like the coppers have finally found Tyrone and Fiz and the infants, hidden in the wilds of Wales at a remote B&B (TV not included. Check out at noon - ed). I suppose it's all for the best but I confess that I was rather looking forward to Kirsty's public appeal. I don't know what she was planning to say in the televised press conference, but I'm guessing that it would have gone something like this...

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the media and viewers at home,

I'm sorry to interrupt The Jeremy Kyle Show but I want to make an urgent public appeal to everyone to be on the lookout for my baby. Her name is... um (sorry just waiting for the teleprompter to catch up) er, yes Ruby. Of course.

Ruby was kidnapped from the home of those knuckle-dragging, brain dead, morons (no offence), the Websters, a few days ago.

She was abducted by Tyrone Dobbs, the man who humiliated me at the altar and, believe you me, he'll pay for that. Oh yes, he'll pay. Can't even make my tea on time or keep the house clean or iron a blouse when I snap my fingers. Can you believe it?  Am I right, ladies? What a stupid, incompetent, lying idiot. Oh yes, I almost forgot, and abusive too. No wonder I refused to put his name on the birth certificate. Oooh sorry, should have left that last bit out.

Anyway, Tyrone and that redheaded Slag (it actually says 'Fiz Brown' on the teleprompter) were having it off behind my back and now they've run off, the pair of them. Of course, I blame her, the evil ginger cow. I'll be happy to stitch her up. In fact, I tried a few weeks ago but the horrible hag escaped. Next time I'll finish the job. Let's see what she has to say then, the randy red menace. (sorry, went off script again)

Anyway, long story short, if you see them or my baby, please contact your local police.

Thank you and remember 'Don't Drink and Drive' yatta yatta. Now get out. Get out all of you. I have a migraine. Turn that camera off now or I'll smash it."