Battle of the bad pickup lines

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 19 episode on CBC

Well, I'm glad Fiz's nuptials (keep it clean -ed) in the nick worked out. I now pronounce you "Mr & Mrs. Stape". Has a certain ring to it (like a bathtub - ed). You may kiss the guard...er bride. etc etc. But let's talk about something different and by that I mean the cornucopia of bad pickup lines from Graeme Proctor, 'garden doctor' and Gary Windass, 'sprung from the slammer and ready to yammer'. Admittedly, standards are not typically high on the Street but these guys are plumbing Olympic depths (lower, slower, lamer - ed). They're both pretty bad but who is worse? There's only one way to find out: the battle of the bad pickup lines. Are you ready? Let's start round one:

ROUND ONE

Graeme (to Natasha): "(You) Could have had a sex change. Do you want to go with me?"

Gary (to Michelle): "How's about a smile for starters?"

(Round One goes to Graeme. but they're both in fighting form. Let's move on...)

ROUND TWO

Graeme: "So what do you say? You and me?"

Gary: "I've always had a thing for brunettes and all"

(OOh, another close one. This one goes to Gary)

ROUND THREE:

Graeme: "Of all the pavements in all the worlds... have you let one off?"

Gary: "I say that you've kept yourself in pretty good nick considering that you've, uh, dropped a sprog and all that."

Another close round, but, well, asking someone if they passed wind as a prelude to an amorous overture? That's the worst pickup line I've ever heard. The judges have made it unanimous. Graeme wins.

Mr Saveloy, I presume

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 24 episode on CBC

- Mr Saveloy to Pork Pie, do you read me? Over

- Roger, Mr. Saveloy. I copy. Go ahead. Over

- What's up with you anyway David, er I mean, Pork Pie. Why are you such a psycho nutjob? Is it because your Mom is attracted to serial killers? Is it because your Dad left Weatherfield to play 'happy families' with a sports mascot? Is it because you work at your Gran's hair salon? What is it? Over.

- Look, Graeme, I mean..Mr. Saveloy... you're no angel. Last time I checked you were still an arsonist wearing a butcher's apron. How weird is that? Over.

- Yes, Pork Pie, but at least I've got some redeeming qualities. I'm not vindictive, I've got a good sense of humour and maybe, one day, I'll meet the right woman (I believe Natasha is available). Over.

- Well, I'm just an evil little gnome with a bad haircut, no job prospects and stunted social skills. That's why I'm obsessed with Tina. And that's why Gary Windass is the latest target on my psycho aggression list (along with Joe, Gail, Sarah Louise, Jason, Charlie Stubbs, Bill Webster....)

- Okay, okay, Pork Pie. Stop, you're wearing down my cellphone battery. Over.

- Hey, Mr Saveloy, if we're talking on cellphones, why are we saying 'over' every time we stop talking? Over.

- No idea. Over and out.

windassembly

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 23 episode on CBC

The Windasses have landed. That's one small step for skiver, one giant leap for skivekind. Perhaps it's no great surprise to see Mr, Mrs, Jr. & Uncle Windass (never get tired of saying that name - ed) arriving on the street to take up residence in Jerry's old digs (once Teresa and her oven door charm bracelet were removed - ed). After all, they follow in a grand Coronation Street tradition from Terry Duckworth to the legendary Battersbys. Now it falls to the Windasses to carry the proud mantle of low expectations, compo and work avoidance (A pub usque ad pub -ed).


Certainly they have big shoes to fill. Les & Janice have set the gold standard for skiving and coarse behaviour. While Les has departed for greener pastures (the red rec? - ed) and Toyah has left, Janice remains a force to be reckoned with, currently appearing daily at the hospital cafe. (See what you get with the National Health Service - ed). Leanne too has made her mark on the Street, distinguishing herself in a variety of endeavours: Spanish real estate, gold digging, restaurant management and fire insurance - as well as excelling in escort services.

How will the Windasses top that?

We don't know much about them yet except that they like new kitchens, but don't like to pay for them. Graeme insists that they are "bad bandidoes" but, apart from stealing a stolen car, ripping out Gail's kitchen, stealing Joe's tools and manhanding Teresa (well, one out of four isn't bad -ed), they seem more like the mild bunch than the wild bunch. Still, it's early days yet and much too soon to tell whether the Windasses have world-class, bone-idle, compo-seeking, ale-supping talent. Time will tell.

All I can say for the moment is: Citius, Altius, Skivius.

Give me a big Thug

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 1 episode on CBC

"The Windasses are bad bandidos" Thus spake Graeme so it must be true. Graeme (who is a bit like Fonzie, if Fonzie had been a young arsonist from Northern England who spent time in the nick) seems to have some background knowledge of the Windass clan (a bum rap surely - ed) and they are not nice. Gary Windass (the son) is a maniac and Uncle Len is even worse. They did bad things to a friend of Graham's who had an ice cream van, at least that's what Graham says. (that story left me cold - ed).

Hoodlums are no stranger to the Street. There was that ex-husband of the cabbie who worked for Streetcars for example. I think her name was Ronnie Clayton and hubbie was a gangster. Steve McDonald, of course, decided to get involved with Ronnie and trouble ensued. There was also that gang which beat up Deirdre's former husband, Samir Rachid. I guess the most famous gangster was the legendary Jez Quigley. Personally, I always had a soft spot for him (in the head? -ed) but he was a violent, drug dealing thug. Finally Big Jim McDonald gave Jez a thrashing (so he did), an act which unfortunately landed Jim in the big house for an extended stay.

There are, of course, degrees of thuggery. Charlie Stubbs was a bit of a thug but he wasn't one-dimensional and had other aspects to his character. The same is true for Tony's nervous, bald-headed accomplice who does all of the dirty work for the Tonemeister. He seems like a troubled man who is indebted to Tony. As for the Windasses, well it's hard to say whether they will become actual characters or just vehicles for mindless violence.

Let's get ready to rumble.