Thursday, August 20, 2009

Rosie & Newton

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 19 episode on CBC

I'm starting to think that Kevin and Sally should try to get a refund from Oak Hill Academy because I'm not sure Rosie learned very much at that fancy school. She certainly should have paid more attention during science classes so she could better understand Newton's Laws of Motion. Armed with that knowledge, Rosie may have been able to figure out effective ways to escape from John Stape's 'granny prison' (aka 'Grantanamo Bay' - ed) in a matter of minutes - rather than days or weeks. Just goes to show that a physics textbook can sometimes be more valuable than Celebrity magazine (surely not - ed).

Allow me to expand, dear Rosie, and please, try to pay attention.

Newton's Second Law of Motion shows us that there is a relationship between an object's mass, its acceleration, and the applied force. This means you should find yourself the biggest, heaviest object in the room and practice swinging it like a baseball bat. (After several days, you seem to be getting the hang of it). When you swing a heavy object, accelerating the speed of the object, you produce a powerful force. This force would be sufficient to bash down a flimsy door or whack a former teacher-turned-taxi driver in the noggin or the family jewels.

Newton's Third Law of Motion
states that 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.' So what, you say? Well, dear Rosie, this means that your action (a well-placed swing of a heavy object into the numchuks of John Stapes) would result in said numchuks absorbing that force and cause old Stapey to double over in pain. Alternatively, a good hefty swing at the flimsy door would likely result in the door breaking. Are you with me so far? Good.

Finally, Newton's First Law of Motion states that every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it. Huh? you say. Well, to put it in your lingo, if Britney Spears is being chased by the papparazzi, she keeps running until her agent tells her to stop. In other words, once you escape, run! And keep running until you run into a copper (not DC Hooch).

Oh and one other thong (sorry, I mean thing). Please don't injure Fiz. She's already suffered enough.

Class dismissed.

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