spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the January 5 episode on CBC
Memo to: Martin Platt
From: Corrie Heart
Subject: Your son, David
It has come to my attention that your devil spawn... er I mean 'son'... is planning an impromptu visit to the blissful abode of you, your lovely wife (the former sports mascot) and baby. While the fruit of your loins™ is of course a fine young lad who has only spent minimal time in juvenile detention and excelled in regular visits to the job centre, there are one or two, how you say, 'tidbits' of advice which you may find useful.
1. If you haven't already done so, please remove all staircases from your home. I know this sounds a little expensive (Bill Webster has reasonable rates... and a fit assistant) but believe me the precaution is well worth it. David has a funny, careless habit of sneaking up behind a parent at the top of the stairs and, well, let's just call it indoor bunging jumping without a cord - or your consent.
2. Is your car amphibious? If not, you should probably keep it away from David. Although Succubus Jr. now has a driver's licence (thanks to the help of Ted, his gay grandad - oh, didn't you know?), Davey boy has a bold habit of driving in all conditions: snow, rain, fog, canal... well, you get the idea.
3. How do you feel about recreational drugs and babysitting? David is very forward thinking when it comes to this subject particularly as Bethany (his niece) accidentally ingested ecstasy while in his competent care. Don't worry, I'm sure everything will be fine.
Anyhoo, I'm sure you and David will have a great time together. There's certainly a lot of catching up to do and Davissimo can fill you in on his careers as a former apprentice hairdresser, a former kitchen fitter, a former kitchen wrecker and ... well I'll let him tell you himself when he gets to Liverpool.
PS. Avoid scaffolding while David is visiting. He has this peccadillo of loosening bolts - ask Jason.
cc. Gail Platt