Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The idiot's guide to faking your own death

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 29 episode on CBC

Thank you for purchasing the Idiot's Guide to faking your own death, an easy step-by-step guide to pretending that you've snuffed it... and profiting afterward.

Chapter 1
Why fake your own death? 
Some of the most compelling reasons to falsify your demise are: financial gain, escaping physical threats, intimidation & retribution & avoiding David Platt

Chapter 2
How do I fake my own death?
Research and planning is the key to a successful fake death. Learn how to ensure that the suspicious circumstances surrounding your pseudo-death are consistent with your own interests. If you're sailor, take a long, one-way cruise on a deep lake (more than 200 feet).

Chapter 3
Don't forget the life insurance policy! 
You can profit from a fake death only if you remember to buy an unnecessarily expensive life insurance policy with no exclusions. Remember to check the box regarding 'unfortunate self-induced fatal accident coverage'. You may have to wait up to seven years for a payout so don't hesitate to borrow money from Rick to tide you over.

Chapter 4
Choosing your post-death hideaway. 
Ireland is the location of choice for most people who fake their deaths. Many small Irish villages boast entire communities of death-fakers. You'll fit right in.

Timely Tip: Take some spare change so you can use a local public phone booth to call your loved ones.

Order now from Amazon.com! Order now and you'll receive a free copy of the Lake District's Most Dangerous Lakes.

Just wanted to thank you for your comments. Even though, I am a repeat offender, I apologize heartily for the continued and unbridled use of puns and, like Peter Barlow, I pledge to go on the wagon. And thanks also for telling me about the Coronation Street novel. Kismet indeed.

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