Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Stella(r) edition

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

Sorry for the prolonged absence dear colleagues of Corrie. I spent the last few days looking for a parking spot at Costco and then reselling it to a desperate young man with a Kia Sedona. Tis the season after all. But I digress. There's a new gal in town and her name is Stella. Looks, how you say, interesting. In other news, I have a question. If Sophie was considered to be too young and irresponsible to look after the doss house (er you mean shelter - ed) for one night and was blamed for a break-in, why is she now being offered a full time position? Something is a bit off there I think. Anyway off we go for a pre-Christmas TGIF. Ho ho ho!

Julie commiserates with Fiz over her bad fortune with a certain teacher:
"You've been Staped"
(and believe me it hurts)

David tells Graeme of his admiration:
"Graeme Proctor, stud of the parish"
(a window cleaner who is windex-rated)


Julie to Brian, man of her dreams:
"You touched something deep within me"
(please not just after I've eaten)


Rita tells the Indian aunties that Marcus is not the right man for Sunita:
"You need to get your gaydar sorted"
(Try the repair shop on Rosamund Street)


Kylie can't resist needling Tina over her loss of Graham to Xin:
"You dim sim, you lose sum"
(I think I saw that in a fortune cookie)


Julie goes on about her secret love for Brian:
"His agony must have been as deep as mine"
(but not as deep as mine)

Graeme winds up Norris saying that he plans to work in Beijing as:
"The only western window cleaner in the forbidden city"
(call it a meeting of cultures) 


Deirdre bores Tracy with pottery chat:
"I think I may glaze my next set of pots"
(I'll alert the media)

 
Steve briefs Stella about senior barmad Betty Turpin:
"She must be older than the building"
(wait till you see her hot pots)
 

***

 

Well, fellow lovers of Corrie, that's it for another week. Enjoy the big celebration (I'm talking about the omnibus not that other seasonal event). All the best. Peace, joy and a nice G & T to all. See you soon here at the hip where every day must be Christmas because we eat and drink too much.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Paradise Lost edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the December 16 episode on CBC

Well, it's all kicking off now isn't it? John Stape, the original nutty professor, is sitting on the roof reading John Milton's 'Paradise Lost'. One might even say, 'Better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven' (get on with it! -ed) Anyhoo, the Street is in crisis mode. Stape is on the loose. Max has been taken away. Graham's cup of love runneth over causing heartache for all.


So let's roll into this week's edition of TGIF, our weekly selection of memorable lines. 


Steve's astute entomological analysis of his ex-wife: 
"Tracys like a flippin' cockroach" 
(The national cockroach association (NCA) is demanding an apology)


Fiz to Stape as they drive off to bury the body of Colin:
"We've got a body in the boot" 
(and you probably need an oil change)


Roy's mother shares her unique view on the business of running a cafe: 
"Customers are like Afghans, they've got to be trained" 
(so that's what the rolled up newspaper is for) 


Tracy finds the service at Roy's cafe to be lacking: 
"Anyone would think I asked for a unicorn sandwich" 
(sounds a little horny, I'll just take ham and cheese)

Mark explains why he and Claudia split up: 

"She dumped me because I have a better wardrobe"
(I guess we know who wore the pants in that relationship: no one)


Stape explains to Fiz why they can't report Chesney's absence:
"Colin's back in the country"
(...and he's resting comfortably)


Fiz finally realizes the truth about John Stape:
"You're a murderer"
(yes, but he can explain...)

***

Well fellow aficionados of Corrie killers, it looks like Stape is on the loose, on the run and crazier than an English teacher on the day before school ends for summer. What will he do? Will he really run off to Scotland and become the new 'Loch Ness Monster'? We'll just have to tune in next week and find out. Have a great weekend and see you back here next week. Cheers!

Okay Stape, try explaining this...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Dec 14 episode on CBC

John Stape is busy working alone in the Underworld, digging up the cement floor with a hammer and shovel. He finally strikes pay dirt and finds the rolled up carpet with you-know-what inside. Then Fiz bursts in. How on earth will slippery Stape, king of all liars, explain this? Allow me to offer two ideas:

Option Number One:
"Ah, well it's very simple you see. Many months ago I took this old carpet in to the dry cleaner on Viaduct Street to get it all nice and clean for the baby's room. Anyway, it seems that at about the same time, Owen Armstrong took a rug into the same dry cleaner. It was very similar in size and shape.

Anyway, I guess the silly old dry cleaner got the receipts mixed up and when Owen went to pick up his rug, the dry cleaner gave him ours by mistake. So anyway Owen takes the rug and keeps it in his van. Then he starts rebuilding Underworld and, as part of the traditional builder's good luck ceremony, he decides to toss a carpet into the cement floor. It's a well-known tradition among builders, kind of a superstition, called 'rug luck'.

So anyway, Owen has this rug in his van (our rug) and throws it into the cement -- only it's not his rug, it's mine.  And I just happened to find it while I was digging here by myself. What a stroke of luck! I'll get it cleaned and we can put it in Hope's room..."

or

Option Number Two:
"Oh my God, it's the body of Tony Gordon (wrapped in a rug that looks very similar but is not the same as that old rug we had) !" 

Dear Kevin Webster...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Dec 13 episode on CBC

Weatherfield Automotive & Garage Fittings Wholesalers
Hydraulic Lift Division
5214 Annie Walker Drive
Weatherfield, UK

Dear Mr. Webster,

Congratulations on your recent purchase of the Supreme Liftmaster 7000 which combines the latest computer technology with 10,000 PSI of lifting power to satisfy all of your most demanding car lifting needs.

With the Liftmaster 7000, you will be able to easily and effortlessly lift all manner of vehicles from sub-compact cars to heavy trucks, all with the just the push of a button. (Please consult manual for button information). While the advantages of the Liftmaster 7000 are many, we are indeed sorry to learn of your recent unfortunate experience with this leading-edge equipment. According to the details of your profanity-laced phone call, you state that the Liftmaster 7000 is a "flaming disgrace" and that it "nearly bloody killed me" while "knackering me collar bone and other vitals and preventing me from looking after me lovechild, baby Jack."

While our legal department expresses its sincere regrets for any inconvenience you many have experienced in the course of operating this state-of-the-art machinery, our initial assessment indicates that the Liftmaster 7000 was not the cause of the 'incident' , but rather the spanner-wielding antics of your bitter, angry business partner with whose wife you.. er 'had it off'.

Under these circumstances, we cannot accept any blame or liability for your unfortunate injuries (especially since you elected not to take the extended warranty option). Thank you for your continuing loyalty and we look forward to meeting your car lifting needs in the future.

Sincerely,

etc. etc

the scary mind of John Stape

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the December 12 episode on CBC

"Colin's back in the country" - With these five words, desperate John Stape has once again launched himself down the path of lies, trying to cover up one misdeed by inventing a string of whoppers. This time he's telling Fiz that she can't contact the police in order to find Chesney. Chesney, of course, is tied up in a soundproof family basement along with Mr and Mrs. Hoyle thanks to Signor Stape.

Of course, Fiz is out of her mind with worry. John is panicking... again. Time for some prime lies and he's going to need a lot of them to explain this. What will he concoct?. Please, allow me to step in with a line of questioning:

Me:  Colin's back in the country?

Stape: Yeah. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd worry.

Me: Well, why did he come back?

Stape: He said he didn't like Canada. The hockey was too fast. He couldn't keep up with the puck and he didn't realize that there was a third period. He kept switching off the telly after the second intermission.

Me: So he came back because he didn't like ice hockey?

Stape: Yeah and he said the beer was too cold over there. He prefers body temperature lager.

Me: How do you know he's back?

Stape: Er, well I ran into him the other day while I was at the bookies. Yeah, he just walked in the door and said he wanted to place a bet. 

Me: You never said. I thought you weren't supposed to keep secrets?

Stape: Right, well I wanted to tell Fiz but you see he made this special kind of bet and, according to bookie rules, I couldn't say anything.

Me: What kind of special bet?

Stape: It's called a difecta. Silly thing really. He bets on a horse. If he loses the bet then I'm allowed to tell you that he came into the bookies. But if the horse wins, he wins his bet and the bookie can't tell anyone that he's been in the shop or even made a bet.

Me: that's ridiculous.

Stape: I know. That's what I said to Peter. But what can I do, it's the bookies code.

etcetera, etcetera....  I wonder what his 'real' explanation will be like. Can't wait.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Hoyle basement edition

Glad to see that John Stape and Charlotte's Dad are having a nice chat about cricket... even though there are three people tied up and held hostage in the basement!  John Stape: Let those people go! (or at least give them each an extra 15 minutes recreation break - ed)

Elsewhere, Kevin is trapped under hydraulic lift. Amy is still drinking milk. Deirdre is still throwing pots (at Ken? -ed). Marcus is still in love with Sean. Katy is still suffering from 24 hour morning sickness. Dennis Tanner is still charming the birds out of the trees. And Norris still has his shorts in a knot. All is right with the world except for that Stape thing.  There's only one thing to do and that's a little thing we call TGIF or Tony Gordon It's Friday (it's Saturday actually but who's counting  - ed), a buffet of tasty lines from the past week.

Tina is tired of waiting for some intimate attention from Graeme
"Leave it any longer and I'll start fantasying about Norris."
(Check with Mary, she's probably had plenty of practice)


 Claudia catches Audrey and Mark having tea:
"It must be love, he's broken open the Bourbons"
(nothing like sandwich biscuit consisting of two thin oblong dark chocolate biscuits with a chocolate fondant filling to signify eternal devotion)


Claudia again to Audrey and Mark:  
"I was hoping to catch you at it" 
(...and put the video on YouTube?)


Claudia once more to Audrey
"You've been in more triangles than a set of pool balls" 
('cue' Audrey's outrage)
 

Time for Mark to explain his hobby:
"I just enjoy doing this. I'm a cross dresser. I always have been"
(Now, if you'll excuse me, my mascara needs touching up)


Claudia comments on Marcia:
"It's a bit early for the pantomime season"
(Oh NO it isn't...)


Claudia's zinger directed at Audrey and Mark:
"Made a fool of by the tranny and the granny"
(it's uncanny)


And finally, Julie Carp weighs in with her philosophy:
"Love is like a fire. If it's not poked regularly, it goes out"
(If there's one thing I hate it's irregular poking)

***

Well, faithful Corrie lovers, that's it for another week. Will Stape see sense? Will someone save Kevin? Will he get a refund on that hydraulic lift? We'll have to wait and see next week. Till then, have a great weekend and I'll meet you back here next week for more of the Hip. Cheers!

The Divine Miss/Mr M

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Dec 5 episode on CBC

What do we really know about Mark aka Marcia, except for the fact that he loves a saucy Merlot and a rousing debate about screw tops versus corks?

Not much really. Oh sure he likes to dress up as a woman from time to time (who doesn't? - ed). He's in the wine business (most people on the street are - ed). He sounds like he either stores marbles in his mouth or his teeth are double-jointed.(switch on the closed captioning if you want to know what he's saying - ed) He's dating Claudia (and her magnificent helmet of hair - ed) and he confides in Audrey.

Well we do know that Marvelous Mark doesn't see anything wrong with getting together with the lads and having a drink - in heels and wigs. And he seems to have forgotten that ugly incident a few weeks ago when he was beat up by a group of yobs and promised to put 'Marcia' in the closet.

Now Audrey is stuck in the middle, keeping Mark's secret while incurring the jealous wrath of Claudia. Is it fair for Mark to continually mislead the owner of Perm Suspect? Doesn't he realize that he is driving a wedge between two hairstylists/frenemies?  How much longer will he resist the temptation to sing along with the soundtrack to Priscilla Queen of the Desert?  As I say, we really don't know much about Mark but so far I'm not that impressed with him... or her.

Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the Basingstoke edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Dec 1 episode on CBC

Three (well, four) questions:
1. What's with Lloyd's new hairstyle? Is he auditioning for the lead in Mod Squad?
2. Did Jethro Tull have Steve MacDonald in mind when he released 'Thick as a Brick'?
3. Is Amphora the Greek word for small, clay penis? (Because that's what Ken's pottery looks like)

Now on to the main event, Tony Gordon It's Friday, the weekly roundup of memorable lines. Get it on:

Mary explains that her voyages in the camper van have necessitated a level of skill in car mechanics:
"When you travel alone, you get used to servicing yourself"
(Sounds auto erotic)

Ken is enthusiastic at the prospect of night classes:
"There's nothing like adult education"
(as long as it's for consenting adults)


Ken and Deirdre's enthusiastic teacher starts the lesson:
"Let's pot!"
(Aren't you missing a verb in there?"


The fake marriage inspector grills Graeme about Xin's habits:
"Where does your wife keep her nail polish?"
(on her nails?)


Deirdre proudly presents her finished pottery:
"It's an Etruscan Amphora"
(Hey, what Etruscans do in their spare time is their business)


The pottery teacher is impressed with Deirdre:
"These hands were made for throwing"
(Ken should know, He's been at the receiving end for many years)


Ken tells Deirdre that the pottery teacher is a sham:
"He wouldn't know an Etruscan vase if Tracy hit him on the head with one"
(Shhh! Don't give her any ideas)


Charlotte's father is perplexed by John's money donations:
"Why are you putting money through our letter box?"
(Because the mail service is so damn slow!)


Mary threatens Norris in order to squeeze gossip out of him:
"Tell me or I'll sing"
(isn't that against the Geneva Convention?)


Mary doesn't want to return to her camper van in case of a burglar:
"What if a thief breaks in while I'm asleep"
(well, you better leave the door open so he can get out before the trauma sets in)


Julie wants to know if new boss Frank will be taking the afternoon off, like the workers:
"Will you be having it off as well?"
(yes, probably on Carla's desk)

***

Well, faithful Corrie Colleagues, it's all over for another week. I hope you enjoyed the week's episodes and if you're watching the marathon Sunday omnibus, then I salute your dedication. have a great weekend and thanks as always for stopping by and visiting the Hip. Cheers!

adult education for Ken and Deirdre Barlow

spoiler alert; this post makes reference to the  Nov 30 episode on CBC

Adult education classes for Ken and Deirdre? Excellent idea! Adult education is a wonderful, stimulating activity, a tonic for body and mind. A way of bringing couples together and learning something new in the company of others. But what courses to take?

Ken and Deirdre have selected pottery. Hmm. I wonder if they considered all the other choices offered by the Weatherfield Continuing Education centre. 

History 517 - Waterways of the North - Tuesdays & Thursdays 6:30 p.m. to 8 p.m.
Ever wonder about the history of the local canal and its varied watercraft? This course looks at the different types of boats which are tied up in the canal and the interesting (attractive) people who sail in them. Students will be treated to at least one visit to a houseboat or barge.

Social Studies 203 - Playing Away - Mondays 6:00 pm to 9:00 p.m.
A critical look at the nature of infidelity. How does it happen? Why do husbands and wives seek out sordid trysts with different people from aging Lotharios to nubile thespians. Lectures will examine famous extra-marital affairs throughout history as well sociological reasons for 'a bit on the side'.  Camilla Parker-Bowles will be a guest speaker.  

Sports 593 - Recreational Smoking - Wednesdays & Fridays 6 p.m. to 7 p.m.
All classes will be held in the smoking shelter at the back of the Rovers. Pre-requisites includes ciggies and a lighter. Large glasses of white wine also encouraged. Non-smokers welcome.

Education 073 - Statistics & Probability - Thursdays & Fridays 6 p.m to 8:30p.m.
Ever wonder what goes on in a bookies' shop? What are the odds of winning a trifecta? Or getting caught on CCTV snogging a professional escort because your husband is preoccupied with the Oxford English Dictionary, documentaries about lichen and his latest Gazette column about sewage?  You'll find out in this exciting course. Enrollment limited