Ken Barlow's Ocean Pie Recipe

Question: What do you call two alcoholics, a murderer and an ex-con? Answer: Anniversary night at the Barlow’s. Yes, it’s all very festive and the fabulous evening begins (and ends) with Ken’s gourmet ocean pie. How can I get that recipe, you say? Well, here it is, at least this is what I think it is. Get those ovens pre-heating and prepare for an anniversary supper you’ll never forget (try as you might).

What you will need:

1 small onion (borrow one from Wendy ‘Flaming’ Crozier)
2 cloves (you can probably find some on the floor at the bookies)
1 bay leaf (£1 each at the Corner Shop)
Several flagons of wine (that’s how Carla likes her pie)
cod and haddock (from the seafood place near Martha’s barge)

Jumbo shrimp (Ken says that's an oxymoron) 
4 eggs (too late Tracy had them for breakfast)
4oz butter (ditto)
fresh parsley (look in the ginnel next to the bins)
freshly grated nutmeg (you can order it special from Freshcos)
potatoes(stored in the outdoor loo for freshness)

1 Kimono (Ken wouldn't be caught without it... or would he?)

1 copy Weatherfield Gazette (you need something to read while the pie is burning)

Method:

Mix everything together, bake and serve with a generous side of ‘Uptown Girl’ by Billy Joel and a shoulder massage from Rob. 

Happy Anniversary, Deirdre! (but still no card)

Tony Gordon It's Not Friday: the Sunita edition

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

Oh My!  I completely lost track of time. Apologies to the faithful few for the tardiness of this week's award-eligible TGIF. I have no excuses except to say that I am still rather shocked by the death of Sunita. All the more shocked since that WOS (Waste of Space™) aka Karl wanders round worming his way into Stella's affections and planning to become the "Big I Am" of the new Rovers.

Okay, enough ranting. Let's get to the memorable lines from last week before this week gets underway.

Sylvia alerts Dennis to the fact that Rita and Norris and Mary have accidentally ingested the magic brownies:
"I am attempting to avert a hallucinatory disaster"

(another Cheech and Chong movie?)

Hayley tries to liven up the Tyrone's freedom party with a little trivia:

"What's George Michael's real name?"
(Mr. WHAM?)

Rita inadvertently offers some space cakes to her guests, Norris and Mary:

"I thought we'd have a little treat"
(..and then listen to my Pink Floyd album)

Dennis sells some munchies to Sylvia at the Kabin:

"That's 12 Kit Kats, is it?"

(that ought to hold her for 30 minutes or so)


Rita wonders why Dennis is lying on the floor with litter:

"What's with all these sweet wrappers all over the place"

(taking inventory?)

Rita has an announcement to make to Roy:

"Roy, your mother's a drug pusher"

(I thought she was a gambler?)

Roy has a leading question for Sylvia:

"Where exactly did you procure the cannabis?"

(You would think the Square Dealers, but actually it was the one o'Clock Club) 

Rita explains Sylvia's actions to Dr. Carter:

"She tried to get my idiot of a husband hooked"

(and it was pretty easy)

Rita explains who Stan is:

"He's a local geriatric drug lord"

(sort of like Pablo Escobar with a pension and a lollipop) 

***

Well, fellow Corrie aficionados, that's it for the moment. Will someone please arrest Karl? Soon. have  great week and I'll be back here soon. Thanks as always for stopping by and cheers!

The Rules of the One o'clock Club

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

Now that Sylvia has been introduced to the various er.. benefits.. of the One o'clock Club, I think it's time we delved into the secrets of this shadowy group of senior citizens. So let's take a look at the eight rules of the One o'clock Club.

1st RULE: You do NOT talk about the One o'Clock Club. (Oh wait a minute, that's Fight Club, not One o'Clock Club - sorry). By all means, do talk about the One o'Clock Club. After all that's one of the pensioners' best things: chatting.

2nd RULE: Check your lollipop signs and other school crossing guard paraphernalia at the door (applies mostly to Dennis & Stan).

3rd RULE: Music at the One O'clock Club is restricted to 'God Save the Queen' at the beginning of the meeting and Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' after Stan serves his brownies.

4th RULE: Only two guys to a fight. (Sorry, that's Fight Club again). Only two brownies to a senior.

5th RULE: No-one at the One O'clock Club was actually at Woodstock so please refrain from saying how "groovy" that "scene" was until the "man" put us down.

6th RULE: Never trust anyone over 30... and under 60.

7th RULE: There will be one 10-minute Cheetos and Chocolate Digestive break at Sylvia's discretion.

8th RULE: If this is your first time at the One O'Clock Club, you HAVE to fight. (yes that's Fight Club again, but for some reason the One O'Clock Club has the same rule).

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the space cakes edition

please note that this post makes reference to the April 11 episode on CBC

So, let me see if I've got this straight. The One O'clock Club is nothing more than a cannabis delivery system for unnaturally happy pensioners, like Breaking Bad for seniors (you mean 'Aching Bad' -ed) or the Munchie Brunch Bunch. O tempus, O mores (don't you mean O smores? - ed).  Just don't call them brownies, they're Stan's Space cakes™. On the plus side, Tyrone has been vindicated and has been released. It's been kind of a good news bad news week all round so let's get on with the tardy TGIF, our weekly round-up of memorable lines (award-free since 2009):


Stan the crossing guard shares his mindset:
"I just imagine me lollipop's an AK47"

(go ahead, make my school day)

After a scary encounter with Kirsty, Julie reveals her dark side to Brian:
"I've broken crockery in anger"

(that's why she takes courses in cup and saucer management)

Julie insists that Kirsty is telling the truth:
"My instincts are never wrong"

(You're wrong about that)

Dennis shares his knowledge of drugs with Sylvia:
"It's quite normal to feel hungry after you've partaken of the weed"

(Weed partaking is a major problem among the elderly)

Sylvia is shocked to learn that she has consumed brownies with cannabis:
"I've just discovered that I have been drugged by a member of the 1 o'clock club"

(Get those coppers off the Rovers' Fire case and round up some seniors)

Tina finds out that Julie has been hit by Kirsty:
"That's what they call irony"

(Actually, that's what they call assault)

Sylvia is unimpressed by Stan's drug colloquialisms:
"I see we've got the lingo down pat"

(yo, yo, Roy my man, slide me a dime bag of custard slice on the down low)

Kirsty bursts into the courtroom with Ruby and a shocking announcement

"He's not a monster. I am"

(Arrest that monster)

The judge is not pleased to see Kirsty with baby Ruby during legal proceedings:
"Please remove the child from court"

(yes and why don't you have Crazy Mary removed from the gallery while you're at it)


Stan continues to seductively push his product on Sylvia:
"I can't stand to see a handsome woman in pain"

(so close your eyes) 

***

Well, Corriephiles of Canada (and beyond), so ends another week. With all the crime and courtroom drama, it's like CSI Weatherfield on the Street. Let's see what next week brings and if Karl will continue to exacerbate his heinous crime. Thanks for stopping by, have a great week and I'll meet you back here next week for more Corrie.

Coronation Street Schedule change on April 11

Faithful Corrie fans take note. Broadcast times in your area may be affected by CBC coverage of NHL hockey on Thursday April 11. In some regions, this means that Coronation Street will be seen at 6:30 p.m., (one hour earlier than its usual broadcast time). Please remember to adjust your viewing habits/recording devices (wax cylinders in our case - ed) accordingly. (We wouldn't want to miss any of the Tyrone v. Kirsty landmark court case)

Please check the local CBC listings for the broadcast time in your area. 

You can find the CBC online schedule here

Tony Gordon It's Friday: The One O'Clock Club Edition

please note: this post makes reference to the April 4 episode on CBC

The aftermath of the Rovers' fire continues to affect the residents of Coronation Street. Jason is under suspicion. Dev is distressed by Sunita's dire condition. Stella is recovering and asking for Karl. Karl is stirring the pot. Paul is distraught by the death of Toni. Kirsty is losing it. Roy and Hayley would like Sylvia to join the One O'Clock club. Let's take a quick look at some of the week's memorable lines in a regular feature called Tony Gordon It's Friday or TGIF:  


Brian is not keen on Julie accepting to look after baby Ruby for the night:
"I'm a Super Head  and I need my sleep"

(does the job come with a Super Hat?)

Toni tells the male strippers that their equipment will be sufficient to cover their 'equipment':
"Your helmets should be more than big enough"

(as the song says, "you can keep your hat on")

Tina tries to convince Julie about Kirsty's true nature:
"She's a dangerous and manipulative bully"

(and those are her good points)

Gloria is grateful for Karl's heroics in rescuing Stella:

"I know that somehow you'll get your reward"

(a lower bunk in the John Stape Wing of the prison?)


Sylvia tells Roy and Hayley that she wants to keep working - like one of Britain's famous PMs:

"Do you remember Margaret Thatcher in 1990?"

(Her handbag is etched in my memory)

Sylvia shows disdain for the local Senior's get together:

"The One O'Clock Club is where old folk go to die"

(like Valhalla for pensioners)

Sylvia again:

"I'm not ready to sit in an overheated room with soft-headed blue rinsers"

(sounds like a scene from 'Avatar')

Sylvia is finally persuaded to attend the senior's whist drive:

"With my card skills I should be able to separate some of the old dears from their pensions"

(that's the spirit)

Jason is irritated by Norris:

"You spread any more rumours about me and I'll give you a fat lip"

(you wouldn't hit a man with glasses and a sweater vest, would you?)

***

Well, fellow gourmet TV watchers, another week of Corrie passes and the Street recovers from another tragedy. Let's hope we see justice for Jason and for Tyrone. Let's hope Karl and Kirsty get their just desserts. And let's hope that Weatherfield General works its patented magic on Sunita. Have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by. Cheers!

Coronation Street on fire... again

please note this post makes reference to the April 2 episode on CBC

As a loyal Coronation Street fan, you'd think I'd be happy. After all, the last few episodes have combined male nudity (semi), arson, dramatic scenes of a raging fire, heroic rescues and Norris interrupting the Full Monty (well four out of fire isn't bad - ed). But, as the victims of the Rovers fire recover in the Coronation Street Wing of the Weatherfield General Hospital (slogan; a full recovery guaranteed for every customer except John Stape), I can't help but wonder about a few things:

1) Why is Karl standing over Dev's shoulder like a demented house elf as Sunita lies unconscious?

2) Karl Munro himself. A few episodes ago, he was just an ultra-skiver who did the dirty on Stella and had it off with Sunita. Then, suddenly he becomes obsessed with getting back together with Stella at any price. Even though, while with Stella, he was a serial philanderer with a string of dalliances with women in pubs up and down the British coastline. Then, he suddenly becomes evil incarnate, setting fire to the Rovers and leaving Sunita in the basement, pausing to say "sorry" as he leaves.  What kind of nutter is that? (a polite one? - ed).  Karl Munro may be a waste of space and a sub-standard stripper, but he is certainly no Tony Gordon or even John Stape.

3) Toni with an "I".  It's too bad that a potentially interesting character is introduced for a few episodes only to become a peripheral story line casualty (by contrast the tram crash was truly dramatic because the deaths included characters we really knew well).

I have to admit I get the nagging feeling that big disasters like this fire could potentially become a substitute for good stories on the street. I hope that doesn't happen. I know it's a lot easier to have a big fire than develop a riveting story line but, after the tram crash and now the Rovers fire, I think the residents have had enough destruction for a while. And, who knows, maybe Martha's barge is back on the canal. Just saying...