Natasha Blakeman's long goodbye

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 19 episode on CBC

Everyone on the Street seems to assume that Natasha is gone for good just because she took off in a fancy taxi. That may be but before she left, she had a few choice words for a few choice people. So, without further ado, here's a special Thursday edition of TGIF featuring some of Natasha's zingers. Take it away, Ms Blakeman:

Natasha stops in at the salon to tell David his place on the evolutionary scale:
"You're down there with the snakes"
(hey, that's an insult to snakes!)


Natasha waltzes into the Bookies to thank Leanne:
"You made me wake up and smell the bitchfest"
(I guess that's a new kind of aromatherapy)


Natasha has a quick word with Peter as he comes into the bookies:
"Look Leanne in the eye and ask her if she loves you"
(can she use her 'phone a friend' before she answers?)


and finally, Natasha walks into the clinic to tell Gail how she feels:
"I just wanted to say I never liked you."
(Don't sugar coat it, tell her how you really feel)


Natasha takes another shot at her Gailness:
"That top's too small for you"
(either that or her body's too big..)


Natasha again:
"Chop you in half and we'd see all the rings. How old are you Gail? 103?"
(she doesn't look a day over 91)


Natasha's final shot to Gail as Dr. Hunky arrives on the scene:
"Was it appropriate for you to illegally access my medical records?"
(only when no-one is watching)


Natasha walks out of the clinic after Dr. Hunky fires Gail:
"Back of the net!"
(now she's gotta run, it's time for her meds)

Natasha Blakeman's pregnancy guide

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 13 episode on CBC

1. Be sure to buy all your maternity clothes from Victoria's Secret.

2. You may find yourself going to the washroom more often (to apply lippy)

3. The first semester is always the worst but by the 10th or 11th semester, you'll be fine.

4. Regular doctor appointments are essential even if the doctor tells you that you aren't pregnant.

5. Remember: you like Richard Branson but you hate Branston pickle.

6. If you feel knackered, it means you're frisky.

7. Only eat curry when no one's around. (you need to keep your strength up)

8. Sign up for pre-natal classes (it's like a free date with Nick) and, even better, guaranteed to annoy Gail.

9. Increased sexual activity is a must. If you get pregnant while you're supposed to be pregnant, it's like winning an accumulator bet.

10. Ultrasound is not the name of a new wave band from the late 70s.

Audrey Roberts' birthday

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 10 episode on CBC

Here's a thought: planning a birthday party for Audrey Roberts' 70th birthday is a bit like the Titanic sailing towards an iceberg (without the Celine Dion soundtrack? -ed). Only the most numty person would even consider something like this. Enter Natasha, the Queen of Bad Choices (Nick, Tony Gordon etc) who seems to think that a 70th birthday party for someone who won't even admit to being 40 -- is a good idea.

Then, to make matters worse, she phones up a random assortment of punters (from Audrey's phone book) - alive (Archie Shuttleworth) or dead (Fred Elliot), it doesn't seem to matter. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to call Stan Ogden or Annie Walker.

But never mind the guest list, can you picture the festivities at the Rovers? My God, Audrey will be mortified. And the jokes? Once everyone discovers the true age of 'Aud', the one-liners will be coming thick and fast. I can just imagine the things people will say like:

"When Audrey was born, they didn't use the expression 'let's not reinvent the wheel'... because it hadn't been invented for the first time..."

or

"They were going to bring Audrey's long form birth certificate, but the stone tablets were too heavy..."

or.. (er, that's enough, we get the idea - ed)

The point is: there is no way that a birthday party is a good idea even if it is Natasha's goofball way of trying to push Audrey into 'early' retirement -- just so she can redecorate the salon in black, white and chrome. By the way, that's another bad idea.

Strong man

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the December 9 episode on CBC

'The name's Strong, Luke Strong'. I like this guy already and he's only said 36 words (hmm... same number as Ken uses to describe 'toast' - ed). Seems like Lucky Luke has been appointed by Carla to run Underworld (into the ground? - ed). Should be an interesting meeting of minds in the corner office of the knicker factory (if it's a meeting of minds, I assume Rosie is excluded... - ed).

Should be even more interesting to see the reaction of all and sundry to a new fella on the Street. Just picture the first time he strides into Rovers for his first hotpot (you always remember your first time - ed). I imagine all female eyes will give the new manhunk the once over and of course the usual suspects will be keen to chat up the stranger. Let me take a quick stab at the list of interested females and their probable pick-up lines:

1. Kelly Crabtree (always quick off the mark) will be first to sidle up to Mr. Strong, flashing her gams: "I love a Strong man. How'd you like to come down to Canal Street and watch the submarine races wi' me."

2. Poppy lost out on Lloyd but will be ready to serve Luke: "I'd love to show you a Brazilian Crunch... and then maybe we can go to my exercise class."

3. Natasha couldn't pique Steve's interest so she'll be up next: "I work at Audrey's. Why don't you drop in some time and we can do some highlights."

4. Liz won't be able to resist: "This one's on the house, and let me get you a free drink while I'm at it."

5. Michelle is on the rebound: "I just got a job at the Bookies... and I bet I'll see you there later."

6. And of course there's always Betty Turpin: "That'll be 1 pound 20, lovey, Did anyone ever tell you you look a lot like my Cyril? He was a policeman you know. Knew his way around a uniform and a pair of handcuffs, he did."

Let the legover sweepstakes begin...