Liz to Steve: Aye Carumba !

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the  November 8 episode on CBC

Liz comes back from Spain with a new hairdo and lots of tacky souvenirs for the family only to find that everything's gone to hell in a hand basket during her absence. On Day 2 she is so distraught that she appears to wearing some kind of tarpaulin with grommets around the edge (presumably in case she needs to be secured during a hurricane).

Can you blame her?

Steve has given her grand daughter away to her mom (a convicted murderer sprung on a technicality). Becky is a looter. Little Max was purchased from Kylie. Kylie is still around and planning to spawn with David Platt. Steve is mortgaged up to the hilt. Lloyd is pissed off. Sunita is pissed off. Dev is pissed off. Owen sent a bunch of bully boys to beat up Jim. 

Liz's only friend, Deirdre, is blinded by her enduring belief that Tracy is really a nice girl who just needs to put her past (murder) behind her and settle down with a sexual predator.  The way things are going, Liz is going to need a large Gin and Tonic intravenous drip and a permanent spot in the smoking shelter. Either that or she'll take the first EasyJet (watch it -ed) back to Spain and find some place to hide away. (Hernando's? - ed)

Liz McDonald's Facebook Page

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 18 episode on CBC

What kind of information has Sean Tully included on Liz McDonald's Facebook page? Well, we know that he's written specific details about where she works and what she does and that he used the photo which Michelle took for the Weatherfield Barmaid contest. Now what else could he have included?

I wonder what Sean wrote for...

Liz's 'info'...
"Elizabeth Jayne McDonald is the lusty, busty and musty landlady at Rovers Return public house in Weatherfield - can't miss it, first pub on Coronation Street, next to the viaduct and a stone's throw away from the Red Rec. Bum slapping and leers encouraged." 

Or 'gender'...
"probably female but let's not get hung up on labels, okay?"    

Or 'Likes and Interests'...
(cigarettes, cleavage-revealing tops, pub management, younger men & booze)

Or 'relationship status'...
(single but I wish it were raining men)

Or who he put on Liz's 'friend' list...
(Deirdre, Jim McDonald, Violet, Jim McDonald, Vernon, Jim McDonald, Amy, Jim McDonald, Andy,  plus large numbers of unknown male Weatherfield punters)

Or what was posted on her 'wall'...
("fired Sean today but I'm really, really sorry and will rehire him with a raise because he's such a wonderful person")

Strong man

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the December 9 episode on CBC

'The name's Strong, Luke Strong'. I like this guy already and he's only said 36 words (hmm... same number as Ken uses to describe 'toast' - ed). Seems like Lucky Luke has been appointed by Carla to run Underworld (into the ground? - ed). Should be an interesting meeting of minds in the corner office of the knicker factory (if it's a meeting of minds, I assume Rosie is excluded... - ed).

Should be even more interesting to see the reaction of all and sundry to a new fella on the Street. Just picture the first time he strides into Rovers for his first hotpot (you always remember your first time - ed). I imagine all female eyes will give the new manhunk the once over and of course the usual suspects will be keen to chat up the stranger. Let me take a quick stab at the list of interested females and their probable pick-up lines:

1. Kelly Crabtree (always quick off the mark) will be first to sidle up to Mr. Strong, flashing her gams: "I love a Strong man. How'd you like to come down to Canal Street and watch the submarine races wi' me."

2. Poppy lost out on Lloyd but will be ready to serve Luke: "I'd love to show you a Brazilian Crunch... and then maybe we can go to my exercise class."

3. Natasha couldn't pique Steve's interest so she'll be up next: "I work at Audrey's. Why don't you drop in some time and we can do some highlights."

4. Liz won't be able to resist: "This one's on the house, and let me get you a free drink while I'm at it."

5. Michelle is on the rebound: "I just got a job at the Bookies... and I bet I'll see you there later."

6. And of course there's always Betty Turpin: "That'll be 1 pound 20, lovey, Did anyone ever tell you you look a lot like my Cyril? He was a policeman you know. Knew his way around a uniform and a pair of handcuffs, he did."

Let the legover sweepstakes begin...

Relationship ratings

spoiler alert; this post makes reference to the October 19 episode on CBC

Whew! Maria's finally gone to Cyprus (to practice her spelling? - ed) and Tony's hi jinks are taking a back seat to some of the evolving relationships on the Street. Let's take a quick gander:

Lloyd & Danielle: Even though she's saving for a boob job (right now, she can only afford to do one - ed), Danielle is history. Lloyd is moving on to the alpha female of Brazilian crunch: Liz. Zero out of five stars for this one.

Lloyd & Liz: Yowsa! It looks like the chemistry is there and Liz certainly doesn't waste any time. She said 'no' for about half a second and then had Lloyd in a leg lock inside her boudoir while Steve-o was downstairs making small talk with Betty. I give this one three out of five stars: ***

Molly & Tyrone: While Jack's busy ejecting Pam and her biofuel lab from the backyard (so ends the possibility of the first pigeon/chip oil powered hybrid car - ed), Molly is continuing to play silly beggar with Tyrone. It can't last and something's got to give. Either they're a couple or they're not. Right now, I give it only two stars out of five: **

Carla & Tony: With cash flowing in again, the tepid twosome can now get on with what they do best: spend money (kilts for everyone! - ed). This won't last. Carla is just too circumspect and suspicious and you can tell that her heart's not in it (Carla has a heart? - ed). As far as she's concerned, hogmany is hogwash - even if Tone does wear a kilt. I give this one a single star out of five: *

Norris & Sunny Jim: With Emily playing detective and on the hunt for Jed, Norris and Sunny Jim are destined to be spending a lot of time together, mostly locked in a psychological battle of wits (I'll put 10 quid on the cat - ed). One star out of five: *

Brief encounter

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 13 episode on CBC

So now we have the answer to that age-old question which has been causing us so many sleepless nights - Harry Mason, boxers or briefs? Harrisimo has had his comeuppance, tricked by the unlikely combo of Liz and Clarissa. and left with his proverbial pants down. Clarissa takes a few snaps for.. er.. posterity and Liz shows Harry the door - the front entrance of the Rovers. Harry walks resolutely through the bar in just his underwear, much to the delight and cheers of the Rovers' patrons.

"Who ordered the cabaret?" cackles Janice. The humiliation is almost complete. As a sad epilogue, Harry subsequently announces to Dan, that he is leaving the bookie business in his son's hands. Harry is being forced off the Street (Clarissa's terms of unconditional surrender) and with a tear and a hug, he is gone. As Shakespeare might say 'Exit Harry'

Of course, there was one other bit of 'cabaret' going on in the Rovers that night: the battle between Kevin and Rosie. It starts as an argument over Rosie's skimpy attire (one belt does not an evening dress make - ed). Sally plays peacemaker and offers to 'enhance' the outfit saying "Rita's got a lovely Pashmina." (If that's a euphemism, you're in big trouble - ed)

In the course of the public argument, Kevin learns that Rosie has betrayed him and his business by supplying Tony the Tiger with confidential info on Kev's garage. This is the start of a breakdown between the two, one which probably cannot be repaired (Even if Kev gets a new truck? - ed). Fast forward a bit and Rosie has shown her true colours - in a posh hotel room where she lies in wait for Tony.

What kind of brief encounter will this be?

Drum solo

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 9 episode on CBC

At its best, Coronation Street is funny, sad, emotional, engaging and poignant all at the same time. Vernon's last stand is a classic example. He has assembled his drum kit on the Street underneath the window of the fair Liz. Then he starts pounding away on the drums, sounding like the unholy progeny of Ringo Starr and George of the Jungle (More like the Dave Clark Five without Dave - ed). His objective? To get Liz's attention and make a last ditch attempt to win her back.

"I'm not stopping until Liz comes out here," he says.

The almighty commotion certainly gets Liz's attention but not in a good way. Liz is far too busy getting tarted up for a date with Harry. It is left to Deirdre to intercede and convince Vern to stop his racket. As part of the deal, Deirdre promises to give Liz a letter - and a hat- with a label. The rest is pure poetry. Deirdre reads the letter to Liz and can't stop herself from crying.

The letter points out that Harry is a vagabond who will break Liz's heart. Vern also admits that he may not be the most exciting fella in the world but "I could walk beside you along life's path, pointing out the potholes.." (Are they moving to Montreal? - ed).

Liz is touched and admits that Vernon has many wonderful qualities but he just doesn't have that exciting thing, "that Harry thing" (Horny toad syndrome? Chronic Legoveritis? - ed). As a denouement, Vern issues somewhat complicated instructions for Liz amounting to three options:

option 1: Step outside wearing hat with label by 20:20 (GMT)
option 2: Step outside without hat with label by 2020 (GMT)
option 3: Do neither (anytime GMT)

Then there's nothing left to do but wait. Vern sits in his van watching the clock and listening to Barry White. Meanwhile, Liz is stood up by Harry and humiliated by Clarissa. Wearing the hat and a torn dress, she steps out onto the Street distraught and in tears - but it's too little, too late.

"Why do I never learn?" she sobs to Deirdre.

As for Vern, well he's off to London -- but it will be a solo career. I wish him well.

***

Shots from the hip: That's it for this week. Thanks again for the comments. Hope you enjoyed visiting and enjoy the Sunday omnibus show. I'll be back next Tuesday.

Wild about Harry

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 30 episode on CBC

There's a lot of drama going on in the street. Teresa, who seems more and more like some kind of robo-villain out of a Terminator movie or a CIA assassin from the Bourne Identity, is becoming more scary by the minute. Unless that was some kind of shoe phone in her hand, I can only imagine what she did to that young thugette (Abi's assailant) in the washroom of the Milk Bar. Nice of her to help out Mel though, even if it meant breaking several laws and being a certified sociopath. But isn't that what being a good mum is all about?

Meanwhile Nina and Dev continue their dance of deception at Dev's fancy new apartment. (Is it my imagination, or does Prem drop by at least ten times a day? I thought he had a business empire to run). Nina continues to charm the tortured Devster with flattering utterances like "Don't fall at the first fence." (translation: Dev is a horse, possibly a lame horse)

But the prize of the day goes to the Diva Deluxe, Clarissa, who makes a puzzling return to the Rover's (I'd certainly go back to an establishment where I was previously dragged out by my hair, wouldn't you?). Seems Clarissa has some rules which must be observed by Harry if he wants to continue supping ale in his favourite local. Clarissa only reveals one rule ("You do not stand chatting at the bar") but I'm sure she has a few more. I don't know what they are but they probably go something like this...

Clarissa's ground rules for Harry in the Rover's
1. Do not stand chatting at the bar
2. Do not talk to the slapper landlady unless she is standing directly in front of the dart board
3. Do not flirt with Betty Turpin while ordering a hotpot
4. Do not accidentally brush up against any of Liz's low-cut leopard skin outfits
5. Do not ask Vernon to sing 'Mason's Arms'

the dumbing down of Steve Mcdonald

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 1 episode on CBC

There's no two ways about it: Steve Mcdonald is turning into a mere shadow of the funny, nuanced character we used to love. Today's episode is just another chapter in a downward spiral of erratic behaviour (punctuated by goofy double-takes) as Steverino continues to make a mess of his relationship with Michelle.

"What ya' think I'm thick?" he yells in the back of Rover's when he finds Michelle and her mate (JD) sipping tea in their morning garb and talking about old times. Surely the question is rhetorical? Steve does indeed appear thick and getting thicker by the day.

Contrast this to the old Steve we remember. Wasn't it just a few short months ago that Steve was patiently dealing with Vernon & Liz' marriage and bravely managing the return of his volatile and violent dad? Wasn't it Steve who was the beacon of good sense and patience when Michelle discovered her real biological son (Alex) ?

What happened? Beats me but I think the watershed was when Steve (for no real good reason) locked a bookie in the basement of the Rovers overnight. That led to a nightmare string of events. Then came the piece de resistance: a trumped up fight with Michelle followed by a night of blotto drunk carousing capped off with sleepover sex with Becky. (well, one out of three isn't bad - ed)

Maybe a dark horse or a father figure will emerge to provide Steve with some of the guidance and support he needs. Someone unique who marches to the beat of his own drum. Hmm. Anyone see Vernon lately?