Goodbye Jack Duckworth

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 30 episode on CBC

Well, I feel like a real chump. One minute I'm blithely blogging about Jack's 74th birthday bash and the next minute he's gone, passing away in that famous chair in that famous house with the famous stone cladding.
I won't dwell on Jack's long history on the Street because there are sites out there like Corripedia or Wikipedia which can summarize very well his long life and his ups and downs with Vera (not to mention his waste-of-space son, Terry).

When I think of Jack, I think of:

His time as a cellarman at the Rovers when he spent long hours skiving among the barrels.
His dalliance with the incomparable Bet Lynch
His interest in video dating when he made a cheesy video and referred to himself as Vince St. Clair
His abiding love of pigeons (and the time Vera said she had cooked and served him a pigeon pie)
His big (and only) win on the ponies (a trifecta I believe)
His friendship with fellow Pigeon-lover, Connie
His relationship with Tyrone  whom he considered to be his real son

Jack Duckworth, we'll miss you.  

Happy Birthday, Jack Duckworth

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 29 episode on CBC

I must say that Jack (Duckworth, not baby Jack) looks pretty good for a guy with mere weeks to live and he was certainly in fine form for his birthday celebration at (where else?) the Rovers.

There was a certain sense of history as the cake was brought out, reflected in the faces of longtime friends like Ken, Emily, Betty and Rita. There's no doubt that Jack D. is one of the quintessential Coronation Street characters, a bit of a skiver with an eye for the ladies, a taste for a pint and a penchant for betting on the ponies.

Jack made a touching speech in the Rovers and, in case you missed it, here's the main part:

"I'd like to thank you all for your friendship for the past 30 odd years or so. It's a pity that our Vera can't be here but you can't have everything though, can you.

I'd like to thank Connie for putting up with me as well as she has. Thank you. And Tyrone and Molly for being like a son and daughter and I am so chuffed about that little lad because he'll be here long after I'm gone so for me he is the future. So raise your glass to Molly, Tyrone and little Jack."

-- All the best, Jack. I just wish your birthday could have been a little happier.

Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the DNA edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 26 episode on CBC

Dear Mr. Webster,
Thank you for entrusting your DNA testing needs to the team at Sproglogic Inc (a division of Double Double Helix technologies). We trust that the results, as well as the service, was satisfactory. Our records indicate that you are currently in a paternity situation with two adolescent females at your residence in Coronation Street. Should you ever wish to pursue genetic testing with regards to either child, please do not hesitate to contact us.
etc etc   
Well, what do you want? It's Friday. The suspense continues but 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' is as regular as a tea break at Underworld (every five minutes? - ed). Let's take a look at some of the memorable lines of the week in this edition of TGIF. Action!  

Dimitri has some pearls of wisdom as he leaves for Cypress with Kylie - and Max is left behind:
"Goodbye. Sleep well"
(he has a way with words, doesn't he?)


Liz says she's glad Michelle is quitting:
"It'll be a such a relief not to have you showing everything you've got"
(a relief for whom? not the punters)


... and Michelle gives Liz a piece of her mind:
"Most punters come in here, look at you and think you're a tart"
(and the downside is...?)


Michelle comments on Janice's knickers:
"I've heard you've never taken yours off. Still no demand, no supply"
(sounds like Keynesian economics - if Keynes wore ladies' underwear)


Betty is shocked to hear about the menu at the new wine bar
"How can you make a mini tapas hotpot?"
(just start with a tiny piece of gristle and work from there...)


Tyrone has a serious question for Kevin:
"Has baby Jack got my eyebrows or Molly's?"
(let me check my courier package and get back to you)


Sally tells Rosie that parties don't have to be wild and out of control:
"It is possible to have fun without getting absolutely legless"
(Just ask Norris Cole and Emily Bishop on crossword night)


Mr Cummings from Weatherfield council environmental services has bad news for Nick's new wine bar:
"There's been a report of vermin on your premises"
(you might also find a few rats in there...)

***

Well, that's it for another eventful week. Thanks very much for dropping by and for sharing your comments. Have a great weekend and enjoy the Sunday omnibus. I'll see you right back here next week for a virtual cuppa and a lemon slice. Till then, I better get on me bike. Cheers!

The baptism of Baby Jack Dobbs

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 25 episode on CBC

First, let me get a few things off my chest (Finally! I'll call the hair wax removal studio tout suite - ed). I can't help but think that Charlotte looks a little bit like the Grinch who stole Christmas. And, another thing, don't Tyrone and Molly have any living family members who want to attend the baptism? But anyhoo, let's get down to business and revisit that touching baptism ceremony at the Our Lady of Perpetual Skiving church in Weatherfield. I forget the exact words which Father Ted actually said to the congregation but no matter. In my opinion, it should have been something like this:

Minister: "People of Weatherfield, will you welcome Jack and uphold him in his new life at the caf, in the cabin, at the Red Rec and in the Rovers?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally:  "We will."

Minister: "Will you guide him by your example in the community and allow him to go out on dates with Fiz Stape's daughter in the year 2026 or thereabouts?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally: "We will."

Minister: "Will you care for him and help him take his place at the bar of the Rovers where he may sup ale freely and frequently until he has had a skinful?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally: "We will."

Minister: "Will you reject the devil and all rebellion?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally:  "If, by the devil, you mean David Platt, we will."

Minister: "Will you renounce the deceit and the corruption of evil - up to and including - doing a sneaky 'Who's Your Daddy' DNA test on Baby Jack to see which mechanic is the real pappy?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally: We will.

Minister:  "Wonderful. You may kiss the baby."

Rovers Return staff shortages

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 23 episode on CBC

With an almost 50% drop in personnel, The Rovers Return is in crisis mode. Let's review the gory details. Ciaran has left the Rovers to take a new job at The Joinery where he is working his chef's magic on Lancashire Tapas (mini bacon butties with brown sauce dip? - ed ). Ciaran left an apologetic letter but Liz was not amused.

Now Michelle has stormed out in her leopard print dress (be still my heart - ed) in a huff after Liz caught Ciaran doing some unauthorized over-the-bar-canoodling with the fair Michelle. Ciaran was instantly barred and Michelle, after pausing to call Liz a tart, followed closely behind (no comment -ed). Apparently Michelle is going to work with Carla where their success will no doubt make them the 'Thelma and Louise' of the local rag trade.

So what are they going to do at the Rovers?  Liz has managed to lose two of her best assets in (three surely? - ed) in the space of 72 hours. Steve is too busy buying a kid to work behind the bar and Becky is too busy making Steve buy a kid to work behind the bar. Who's left? Rovers' senior barmaid and esteemed inventor of the Hot Pot, Betty Turpin. Can't wait to see the look on her face when Liz asks her to work 24/7 plus Christmas, Easter and New Year's.

Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the Lancashire Tapas edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 18 episode on CBC

Lancashire tapas?  Is that a piece of gristle on a Ritz cracker with a sprinkle of pork scratchings? But I digress. While Ciaran concocts tasty delicacies to repel attract punters to the Joinery, Kylie has come up with a baby selling scheme (take a number Kylie, Tracy Barlow is way ahead of you - ed). Ashley has indigestion (and that's before he tried the Lancashire tapas) and someone has been leaving flowery tributes at the factory door (this buds for you, C-olin). Let's take a quick look at the memorable lines of the week in this edition of 'Tony Gordon It's Friday' or TGIF. Allez:

Ashley is adamantly opposed to Claire's French demenagement:
"I don't want to learn French. I don't want to live in France"
(Vive les soggy chips et la biere tiede!)


Ashley tells Claire that their relationship is turbulent:
"This marriage has had enough bad patches to make an ugly quilt"
(stop making blanket statements)


Sally reveals a nautical home furnishing plan to Kevin:
"We're thinking about getting an aquarium for the conservatory"
(good idea! Now Rosie will have somewhere to try out her bikini)


Graeme tells Ashley that lying to Claire is not a good idea:
"You're not going to be riding the love train this side of the London Olympics"
(the little engine that couldn't)


Leanne is surprised by Ciaran's menu ideas for the new wine bar:
"An Irish chef, a Spanish concept and Lancashire food. What could possibly go wrong?"
(a fight, a bullfight and a food fight?)

***

Well, fellow Corrie fans, that's it for the week. Rather a lean week in terms of lines but that's the way it goes. I hope you have a great weekend and enjoy the Sunday omnibus episode. I'll be back here next week and I do hope you'll join me. Until then, it's time for me to sling my hook and get on my bike (in that order). Cheers & all the best!

David Platt's illness

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the  August 17 episode on CBC

Just like every faithful Corrie fan, I stay awake at night wondering what exactly is wrong with David Platt (bad goatee karma? - ed). The symptoms so far include fainting at the the courthouse, fainting while sitting on Graeme's sofa and fainting while driving Gran's car. That's not much to work with, at least not until the doctors can take a look at his scans (while David gets scran at his Gran's).

Gail, with the medical authority of a recently-fired clinic receptionist, insists that it's epilepsy.

Tina, with the medical authority of a former girlfriend and current assault victim, says that it's "pure evil" (is that covered by the National Health Service? - ed).

David, with the medical authority of a psycho, says it could be a brain tumour.

But there could be many more causes: central nervous system diseases, irregular heartbeat, stroke, multiple sclerosis or a heart attack. Myself? I have to agree with Tina on this one. I think that the MRI and catscan will reveal a vast, dark shadow in David's head which, upon further inspection, will be diagnosed as a large area of evil (with lighter shadows of malevolence around the edges). This will explain many things:
- his suicidal car ride into the canal
- giving Bethany access to ecstasy pills
- pushing Gail down the stairs
- loosening the scaffold bolts to injure Jason
- going on a rampage of smashing cars, shops and Ken Barlow

Of course, it could also be something mundane like a drop in blood pressure, low blood sugar or allergies -- but my money's on evil. The only question left is: Is it treatable?

Tony Gordon It's Friday: The 'which Platt is in court now?' edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the  August 11 episode on CBC

Geez, the Platt's spend so much time in the courthouse, they should think about buying a timeshare (ba dum). I hear Ted stays up at night looking for loopholes in Gail's birth certificate. (ba dum)  Please, don't get me started. Then there's Maria Sutherland displaying her impeccable taste in men once again. First a murderer, now a wife beater. Blimey! She'd meet a better class of bloke scanning the Alcatraz Craigslist (ba dum). But I digress. Let's take a look at some of the more memorable lines of the week in a little something I call TGIF or Tony Gordon, It's Friday.  Onward:

Ashley summarizes his wife's French vocabulary:
"Je m'appelle Claire"
(Tu t'appelles henpecked)


Ashley tells Claire and Yvonne that he cannot abide Euro-farmers:
"I'll never forget what those farmers did to our sheep"
(one can only imagine...)


Yvonne tells Claire that Ashley may not agree to leave England:
"What if he refuses to leave this green and unpleasant land?"
(Hey, that's no way to talk about the Red Rec)


Rosie tells Jason he's a narcissist:
"If loving yourself was a country, you'd be Africa"
(He certainly knows how to shake Djibouti)


Claire tells her Mom that she will force Ashley to move to France:
"Men like Ashley need drip feeding"
(And Claire's just the drip to do it)


Ashley puts his foot down about moving to France:
"I don't want to hear the F-word used in this house again"
(but swearing is okay)


Gail tells Dev to stop lecturing her about the Platt family problems:
"I'm well aware of my family's shortcomings"
(Shortcomings? That's like saying World War II was a minor disagreement)


Anna tells Roy that Kylie is not pulling her weight at the cafe:
"She's about as much use as a brain surgeon with a twitch"
(take two voddies and call her in the morning)


Rosie can't believe that Jason wants to be paid for his labour after their sexy photo shoot together
"...you got paid to see me in lingerie"
(usually the punters can do that for free)

***

Looks another week, another Platt in trouble with the law. Who's next? Ted arrested for leaving the opera at intermission? Audrey for blow drying with criminal intent?  I guess we'll just have to find out. And for goodness sake, someone tell Maria to stop dating felons. Have a great weekend. Thanks for visiting and reading.  We'll meet back here at Blanche's Polish Hip next week. In the meantime, cheers and all the best!

Jason Grimshaw & Rosie Webster x-rated

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 10 episode on CBC

I don't know about you but I feel that the past two episodes of Coronation Street should have come with a parental advisory (you mean like: 'Parents, don't let your children be like David Platt' ? - ed). By my calculations, Rosie Webster and Jason Grimshaw have spent more time this week with their clothes off, than with their clothes on.

Scenes with this 'bod couple' have featured Rosie in something that resembles a push-up bra more than anything else and Jason constantly removing his shirt like some kind of x-rated contractor or an escapee from Chippendales.

The strip tease begins in the Webster's kitchen (which hasn't seen this kind of action since Kevin slipped on a bacon butty in 1978) as Jason takes off his shirt while working. I can already sense the sexual tension building. Next thing you know Jason is driving Rosie to a last-minute underwear photo shoot. ("It's a modelling emergency!" says Rosie).  Then, before you can say 'Joe Boxer', Jason is up there posing with Ms. Webster, both of them with hardly a stitch on.

When the two underwear models return to Chez Webster, it doesn't take long before they start madly grabbing at each other and knocking over Sally's Ikea bookshelf (that took Kevin a week to assemble! - ed) and rolling off the couch onto the floor (OMG, Sally just vacuumed the carpet! - ed)

Now I'm no prude. I've seen my fair share of lascivious sex scenes and, yes I'm well aware of movies like 'Saving Ryan's Privates' and 'Lord of the G-Strings'. But let's just try to keep it tasteful and tone it down a bit. After all, two thongs don't make it right. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with a cold shower...

Ashley Peacock speaks French

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 10 episode on CBC

Poor Ashley! Harpy-esque Claire and her Mother are pressuring Coronation Street's finest butcher into moving to France. Claire's mom, Yvonne, has already purchased a nice little mansion in Brittany and there's a charming cafe and charcuterie nearby. The grand plan is to move the whole family over. Claire would become Mme Peacock. (er.. you mean PoisCoq, I believe - ed) and Ashley would become a boucher.

It's a tough pillule to swallow and Ashley is not too - how you say - heureux. He prefers warm beer and cold winters. What to do? Maybe a little dictionary of handy phrases would help the transition:

Betty's Hot Pot = Le ChaudPot de Betty
Footie  = Le Piedie
Michelle Connor = Oh la la
Pint of Bitter = Une pinte d'amere
David Platt = Le diable
chips = French fries, bien sur
Slapper = Mlle Webster
Existentialism =  comme ci, comme ca
Full English = Croissant, cafe et gauloises
Nice bit of steak = Un beau morceau de bifteck
Your mother is getting on my nerves = Ta mere m'enerve
Pork scratchings = non, merci

Bon voyage, Ash !

Rosie Webster's hot home reno tips

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 8 episode on CBC

Today on Blanche's Polish Hip we're talking about home renovation and home improvement projects. To help us, we asked Rosie Webster to answer your questions about finding a reputable contractor at a reasonable price. As you may recall, Rosie has already imparted her unique wisdom on topics including accumulator bets, how to wash a car and classical music. She's kindly taken time off from her grueling schedule of sausage cooking and modelling poses to pass along her expertise:

Q: I'm thinking of renovating my bathroom and am currently looking for a contractor. Any suggestions?

A: Okay, so if it's a bathroom reno that can be like really, really expensive. Better wear something extra sexy in order to get the pervy ol' contractor to give you a good price. I suggest a bikini and towel although I suppose you could get away with a tube top and hot pants -- as long as you walk in a really sexy way when you're showing the poor saddo around the bathroom. Expect a 35 to 50% reduction.


Q: We would like to renovate our full basement and turn it into a self-contained apartment which we could then rent out. What do you suggest?

A: Hmm. That sounds expensive. Better wear tight black leather pants which show off your Pippa-like butt when you meet the contractor. A halter-top is also a good idea as the basement lighting will highlight your cleavage and encourage the saddo, pervy contractor to give you a 40% reduction in price


Q: We're thinking of buying a water efficient toilet? Any thoughts?

A: Ooh. OMG!  That's so gross! Next question.


Q: How do you know if you've got a reliable and dependable contractor?

A: Duh. If he's leering at your body when he comes round, then he'll obviously do a brilliant job because you'll have him wrapped around your finger. Just make it clear that you will not let him "get some" afterwards. That's disgusting. Also, make sure he finishes the job before your parents get back from vacation. 

Tony Gordon It's Friday: The Far Fusion edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 4 episode on CBC

Judy (from the Tim Horton's) is suspicious about Jack Duckworth's terminal illness. While I was buying a low-fat muffin (thank goodness - ed) and a small coffee, Judy couldn't help pointing out that Jack looks remarkably fit for a fellow with just two weeks to live. I said that I thought Jack was being very brave and why would he tell a fib about something like that?  Judy said, 'well what about poor Connie? How can he move out for the last few weeks of his life and leave her to cope on her own?'  I said, 'can I have a medium coffee instead of a small'?' 

Anyway, I suppose we'll find out what's going on in due course. In the meantime here's a little something I like to call 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF, a review of some of the week's memorable lines. Here we go:

Tyrone reflects on his visit to a lap dance bar with Jack (Jack senior not the baby):
"I wouldn't go back. I found the experience demeaning"
(Are you talking about lap dancing or working with Kevin at the garage?)


John (Colin) is not pleased to find Brian and Julie singing a Neil Diamond song at the Rovers:
"What's this? Glee Club?"
(Just wait till they start singing 'Je t'aime')


Fiz reacts to John's made up story about being on the run after witnessing a murder:
"Don't know about witnessing a mirder - I think I'm about to commit one"
(Now that's what I call a plan)


Jack gets teary eyed over Betty's hotpot:
"I would take this to my desert island"
(and you could probably use it as a life raft too - the gristle is very buoyant)


Julie tells Brian some of her fervent dreams:
"I've always wanted to hold a piglet in my arms"
(You're in luck. Brian is probably the next best thing)


The seduction dance continues as Brian enchants Julie:
"Do you fancy sharing some prawn balls?"
(Hey Brian, just because you're no Adonis, there's no need to demean yourself)


Tina tells Graeme how she feels about David:
"I hate every hair on his evil head"
(not to mention the rest of his body)


Rosie insults Rita:
"Buzz off then"
(Oh Rosie, be-have)

***

Well, faithful Corrie lovers, that's it for me for this week. Enjoy tonight's episode as Rosie continues broiling sausages over an open flame. If you're a weekend watcher, enjoy the Sunday omnibus and I do thank everyone for stopping by. A special shout-out to Blighty's Tuck Shop . We've exchanged links and they have a great Corrie newsletter (as well as imported food, candies and gifts). Have a great weekend and I'll meet you back here at the Hip next week.

The dating woes of Julie Carp Coronation Street

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 3 episode on CBC

For a while it looked like a match.com made in heaven (made by Neil Diamond surely? - ed) but alas a hot date at the posh Far Fusion restaurant degenerates into Near Confusion™ for poor Julie Carp.

Damn! And all the signs looked so positive. Their eyes met over a bottle of Heinz Ketchup when Julie dropped her groceries and gallant Brian stopped to help. As they both reached for a 'Best of Neil Diamond CD' (contradiction in terms surely? - ed), there was a spark (a Streetcars taxi backfiring? - ed).  Love was in the air (as well as kebabs - ed) and it was only a matter of time before they were sharing a libation in the Rovers and then a romantic dinner for two (make that four when Stape and Fiz horned in and then three when Mrs. Brian rudely interrupted the little tete a tete and threw froid water all over the creme caramel). So much for 'pud pud' as Julie cutely call it. Turns out Brian was a 'cad cad' with a 'wife wife'.

Call it another bad break for Julie, an ardent heterosexualist (her term, I believe) with natural womanly needs and raging hormonal desires (quick Ciaran, take cover - ed).

First there was Kirk, a sort of starter boyfriend, a fixer-upper with no mod cons (that's enough of the housing metaphors - ed). Kirk was just a holiday romance and couldn't last. They were just unsuited in terms of intellect (i.e. she had one - ed).

Then came Jesse Chadwick, the children's entertainer, parrot lover and boyfriend of Eileen. Julie and Jesse hit it off the moment she donned the Hiyalowa costume and he pulled out his pistols (that's enough of that. This is a family blog - ed). But alas, it was not meant to be either.

And now comes Brian, the latest in a string of disappointments. Poor Julie. She came so close to having the educator of her dreams until she learned the truth about his wife. Call it a 'teachable moment'...

With apologies to Neil Diamond...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 2 episode on CBC

Well, gang, you know it's a slow week when the highlight to date is Julie and Brian reprising the Neil Diamond/Barbra Streisand classic song, 'You don't bring me flowers'. And I think you know what this means. We here at Blanche's Polish Hip have no choice but to present the extended play version of Julie and Brian's stellar performance, live from a booth at the Rovers Return. Cue the music:

Julie
You work in a warehouse
You seem to like Neil Diamond

Brian
You dropped your groceries on the floor
So I tried to get a box to pack your stuff away...

Julie
I admit I couldn't wait to meet you
sit here in the Rovers
Now Fiz and John are barging in

Brian
I'll get rid of them babe
we'll go out for a meal

Julie
Then we'll play my CD and turn out the light...
And we won't pay attention to the Stapes anymore

Brian
We won't pay attention to the Fishwicks (I mean Stapes, wink, wink) anymore

Is it John Stape or Colin Fishwick or JC Stape-Fishwick?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 1 episode on CBC

Well, well. It seems that Jack Duckworth has a bucket list (items 1 thru 20 are 'lap dance', item 21 is pigeon grooming and item 22 is a pint in the Rovers). In other news, John Stape's old teaching colleague has stopped by and discovered that people on Coronation Street actually refer to his pal Colin Fishwick as 'John' which prompts the perfectly natural question: Why everyone is calling you 'John'? I'm sure ol' Colin/John will cook up an explanation along the lines of...

a) "Ah. Well it's very simple really. Because of the longstanding feud between my mother and me, I have taken a vow to disown the very name that she gave me at my birth. For that reason, I refuse to be known as 'Colin' and instead have adopted the name 'John' for exclusive use on Coronation Street. All perfectly understandable as you can see."

or:

b) "Ah. Well it's very simple really. The gentleman who was calling me 'John' is actually a neighbour named Owen Armstrong who has an unfortunate speech developmental problem (he's a builder, if you catch my drift) which means he cannot articulate the word 'Colin'. So I told the poor fellow to simply substitute the word 'John' for the word 'Colin'. It's just like 'The King's Speech' really"

or:

c) "Ah. Well, it's very simple really. There happen to be two Colins on Coronation Street so just to make things easier I have graciously deferred to the other Colin on Coronation Street and allowed him to continue using the moniker 'Colin' while I have agreed to be called 'John' (as a tribute to Leanne Battersby's former profession)."

or 

d) "Ah. Well it's very simple really. The real Colin is sitting under poured concrete in the knicker factory down the street and I stole Colin's identity to become a teacher because I was barred from teaching for kidnapping a teenage student slapper and keeping her captive in my gran's attic."

Take your pick...