Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Tracy Barlow libido edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 29 episode on CBC

Well, you've got to hand it to Tracy: she's certainly in touch with her sexuality. Or, as she herself so quaintly puts it, "I need to get laid." And, by jove, she certainly seems to be achieving that objective... one Platt at a time. The rate she's going, she'll have slept with most Platts - living or dead - by the end of the next episode. Poor ol' Ted (Gail's gay father) better watch out just in case Tracy, having notched David and Nick, will be "going for a Platt/hat trick" as they say. But I digress. As you know I was sandbagged by the Monday Corrie schedule so I missed a few choice lines but here's a roundup for the week. Hark!

Gail to Kevin who dares to emerge from his designated area in the house:
"Get back to the conservatory!"
(and stay there until further notice!)


Tracy arrives back on Coronation Street and announces her return:
"It's the most exciting new arrival for 2,000 years"
(even more exciting than the iPad 2?)


Gail confronts her jailhouse nemesis, Tracy:
"It's the public who are no longer safe with a lying, evil bitch like you roaming the streets"
(but, on the plus side, the prison community must be safer)


Tracy tells Gail she's not so sure about her innocence:
"I reckon your story had more holes in it than Joe's boat"
(oh oh, catfight alert, this could unleash a Gail Force)


Tracy exchanges greetings with Rita and sees Norris:
"I see you've still got your bald sidekick"
(yes she's evil, but every now and then ol' Trace hits one out of the park)


Norris replies to Tracy's request for a job:
"I'm afraid I don't have any vacancies for homicidal maniacs at the moment"
(but check back later, you never know...)


Eileen describes Tracy:
"I think she's the devil's spawn"
(at least that's what it says on her business card)


Audrey rebuffs Tracy's request for a hair styling appointment:
"We'll get on to tending to our non-murdering customers"
(yeah, you and John Stape will have wait until later)


John Stape talks frankly to Dr. Carter
"I'm a bad man, doctor"
(a very, very bad man)


Tracy to Ken and Deirdre:
"You're still a pair of randy old goats"
(That does it! Ken's going to the library... again)

***

Well, lovers of Corrie, that's it for another boffo week. What else can the writers possibly unleash after a tram crash, death & destruction and Tracy Barlow?  The ghost of Tony Gordon? Richard Hillman Jr.? I guess we'll just have to wait and find out next week. Have a great weekend and thanks, as always, for stopping by.

Webster House Rules

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 28 episode on CBC

I must say it's a little um... how you say.. awkward to have Kevin moping around the Webster house mithering over Baby Jack while Sally shoots hate darts into his back. Doesn't Kevin get it? I mean, when you cheat on your wife while she's got cancer, sleep with your best mate's wife and then carry around your illicit love child, you're not supposed to be living in the family home.

Tradition clearly states that 'he who plays away does not get to stay'  The marriage is over. Sally doesn't want anything more to do with Kevin but he doesn't get it. Like an unwelcome guest or a bad smell, he keeps hanging around. I feel sorry for Sally but since Kev is too thick to understand that he should be slinging his hook in shame, she has no choice but to come up with some house rules to deal with the unpleasant situation. Here are a couple of suggestions:


1. Kevin must stay in the conservatory during meal times, prime time TV shows and Rosie's birthday.
If he must leave the conservatory (aka porch or shed), then he should send a text to Sally requesting permission to enter the living room. If Sally should need the conservatory for any reason (i.e. getting legless because she's married to Kev), then Kevin will go directly to the garage and stay in the back seat of a Ford Fiesta until further notice. 

2. Under no circumstances is Kevin allowed into the marriage bed -- except on weekends and special occasions.
He can sleep on the sofa until he gets himself sorted or throws his back out - whichever comes first. Of course, if he hangs around the bed long enough with that pathetic look on his face, maybe Sophie will convince her mom to let him back in but only for light cuddling, nothing else! 

3. No talking to Kevin. He must be ignored.
If he's allowed to wander around the house with a cute baby, Sophie and Sian will feel sorry for Kevin and he will try to get them to look after his illegitimate love child while he goes for a pint, fixes cars or buys nappies. It's the thin edge of the Huggie. For this reason, no-one is allowed to speak to Kevin except in cases of crashing trams, fires and yummy desserts.

Since when is Ron MacLean in the cast of Corrie?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 26 episode on CBC

Yes, you could say I'm a little steamed. I don't recall seeing any screen crawl last week telling me that Coronation Street would be broadcast at 1pm (Eastern) yesterday.  I can understand being pre-empted for a playoff game, but for an exhibition game?

Yes Corrie lovers, you know what I'm talking about. It's a sacred routine. You get all your provisions, comestibles and libations (two custard creams, three chocolate digestives and a mug of Tetley - ed) lined up on the coffee table (so that you don't have to move for the next hour). You press play on the DVR (newly purchased for the express purpose of recording Corrie, I might add) and bam!  What's this? Ron MacLean is skating around with Kurt Browning and spewing arcane trivia about the last time the Leafs sneezed in unison on the Stanley Cup. (1967? - ed).

Now, unless they're planning on having a tram crash onto the ice surface and Norris gets trapped under a Zamboni, this is poor substitute for the mayhem and drama currently taking place on the street.

Anyway, I finally managed to track down the episode on line (www.youtube.com/watch?v=RniyClVlqjU&feature=related). If you can't wait till Sunday to watch the episode, I'm happy to report three major developments:

1. Kevin is not attempting to nurse baby Jack (thank God - ed)

2. Peter Barlow is doing his Ironside routine

and...

3. The Barlow household just got a little more crowded (I'll give you a hint: she killed a builder & tried to stitch up Gail). That's right, she's back. It's the most exciting Christmas since.. well. the start of Christmas and Tracy Barlow hasn't missed a beat. It's not that Tracy's innocent or anything. It's just that they have to retry her (to make sure she's guilty? - ed). We started the official 'mix it up stopwatch' just to see how long it would take The Tracemeister to get into a fight with someone and it didn't take more than a few minutes. Before you could say 'soap in the shower' Gail and Tracy were rolling around on the floor of the Rovers having their festive pre-Christmas catfight.

O tidings of comfort and joy!

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the 'two in a grave' edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 22 episode on CBC

I know times are tough and the recession is dragging on but has it really come to the point where we have to bury two people in one grave? (and one of them wasn't even dead! - ed). Well the cat is finally out of the proverbial bag and the emotional casualties are piling up. While Ashley's funeral went off without incident, Molly's funeral was not quite so smooth. Instead of throwing a handful of dirt on the coffin in the grave, Tyrone decided to break with tradition and threw a handful of Kev down there instead. To each his own. All we can do is soldier on with another edition of TGIF, showcasing some of the more memorable lines.Onward:

Sean reminisces about his in-joke with Ashley:
"He'd say 'mince?' and I'd say 'homophobe'"
(those were the days)


Rita muses on her bad transportation experiences:
"What is it with me and trams?"
(Better stick with taxis)


Kevin tells Sally that their marriage had problems:
"I had to defrost the bed before I got in it"
(If you think it was cold back then, it's like a Costco freezer now)


Bill Webster can't believe his son's actions:
"My son, a liar and a hypocrite"
(and those are his good points...)


Sally is sickened by Kevin's actions:
"You're a monster!"
(are you saying you want a trial separation?)


Pam is also sickened by Kevin
"You caused more devastation than that bloody tram"
(Kevin has also gone off the rails)


Nick wonders whether he should leave after being blamed for the gas explosion
"If I had half a brain, I'd walk away and leave Weatherfield forever."
(ah, there's the rub)


The penny finally drops as Tyrone realizes what Kev has done:
"You're Jack's dad!"
(but not much of a father figure)


Sally refutes Kevin's explanation that the affair was a horrible accident::
"I hope you're not trying to compare you not keeping your pants on with a gas explosion"
(Well, people were repulsed by both incidents...)

***

Well, it's been quite a week. I don't know about you but I'm exhausted. Have a great weekend and enjoy the Sunday omnibus. Meet me back here next week for more of Blanche's Polish Hip. Thanks for stopping  by and all the best.

Kevin & Sally's infidelity scorecard

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 20 episode on CBC

Is it all over between Sally and Kevin? I'll admit, it looks bad. It's not just the fact that Kev played away. But he only stopped playing away when Sally was diagnosed with cancer. And he was playing away with his best friend's wife. And he has a baby as a result of his playing away (actually it does look pretty bad - ed).

But let's not be hasty. As you probably know, neither Kev nor Sally are saints. Neither is above doing the horizontal mambo while being married. Let's take a quick look at the infidelity scorecard:

Playing Away (extra-marital affairs)

Kevin: 2  (Nathalie the garage owner; Molly, wife of Tyrone) 

Sally:   2  (Greg, the Underworld exec; Ian, the car dealership guy)

Playing Fair (affairs while divorced or separated)

Kevin: 2  (Molly (no, not that Molly. I think this one was a nurse); Alison (bit of a headcase)

Sally:   3 (Chris, the garage mechanic; Martin (yes that Martin while camping I think); Danny, the barrow guy from the market)

Seems like they're pretty well matched in some ways...

Accelerated marriage vows

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept. 20 episode on CBC

It's crazy but Peter, even though he's in critical condition at the hospital, is insisting on having a wedding service performed at the bedside. I think this calls for a no-tarry-marry service. Let's cut out the extraneous parts of the marriage ceremony and get this done before the crash cart arrives. Here's my suggestion:

DEARLY beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony;
 Minister: Hey BFFs! Check this out. Pete & Lee are doing the M-word.

If either of you know any impediment, why ye may not be lawfully joined together in Matrimony, ye do now confess it. For be ye well assured, that so many as are coupled together otherwise than God's Word doth allow are not joined together by God; neither is their Matrimony lawful. 
Minister: Let's assume that Peter has stopped the bigamy thing and Leanne has stopped the escort thing, so we're cool. Right?

Peter, wilt thou have this Woman to thy wedded Wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live? 
Minister: Peter? No playing away and no bigamy, okay?

Leanne, Wilt thou have this Man to thy wedded Husband, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honour, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?
Minister: Leanne? No more sex for money and no more having it off with Nick, okay?

I Peter take thee Leanne to my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.
Peter: I, Peter, am sticking with Leanne even though Cruella, er I mean Carla, is smoking hot in an evil kind of way

I Leanne take thee Peter to my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.
 Leanne: I, Leanne, am sticking with Peter even though I had it off several times in the Joinery with Nick and once at Gail's house 

Minister: By the power invested in me by the Weatherfield & Regional Hospital and the National Health, I now prononouce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the oxygen mask.

Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the explosive edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 15 episode on CBC

If you haven't seen Thursday's episode, you must make a date with the Sunday omnibus edition on CBC because it's a must-see episode. Riveting, explosive and wild.
If you have seen Thursday's episode then (like me) you're probably still recovering, drinking brandy (large ones as prescribed by Sean) and IV's of Tetley tea (stat!).

I know what you're saying. How can they make such a sensational episode -- without Norris? I know, I know it's hard to imagine but the spills and thrills are fast and furious even without Corrie's resident Action Man. (you mean the Great Mitherer™ - ed). I'm sure we'll be seeing the 'fallout' for many episodes to come. Against the backdrop of so much mayhem, it's tough to find good lines but here are a few:

Lloyd sums up Jim's proclivity for fisticuffs while speaking to Steve:
"Your old man could start a fight in an empty room."
(and the room would probably lose)


Sally muses about the private marital affairs of Tyrone and Molly:
"You never really know what's going on in a marriage"
(especially your own)


A desperate Tyrone pleads with Molly:
"I can change"
(unless you can change into Kevin, I don't think she's interested)


Janice is drinking in the Rovers and sharing her criteria for a compatible mate:
"I'll have aught in trousers"
(..and even the trousers are optional)


Lloyd to Cheryl's ex (Chris) as he helps him out of the rubble:
"Beggars can’t be choosers”
(too right)


Kevin's response to Molly when she suggests that he just run away with her on the spur of the moment:
"He nipped out for ice cream and never came back"
(wishful thinking on my part)


Peter is sure that Nick has some nefarious stag night escapade up his sleeve:
"If I wind up on a midnight train to Glasgow in my underwear, I'll know who to blame"
(Nick is definitely blameworthy)


Sean takes command as the Rovers becomes an emergency triage centre:
"Start dishing out the brandies and make them large ones!"
(for the viewers as well)

***

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for a unique week on Coronation Street. I thnk I need the weekend to recover and I'm sure we'll have lots of fallout ahead next week. All the best and cheers.

O Come all ye unfaithful !

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 15 episode on CBC

Well, fellow Corriephiles, it's all kicking off now. There hasn't been so much tension and conflict at Christmas since Roy Cropper left the sixpenny bits out of the plum pudding and Rita sang an x-rated version of 'Frosty the Snowman'. It's like the combination of Christmas and the Apocalypse. I call it: Christmocalypse™

There are three intolerable situations about to explode and it looks like it's all going to happen during that most wonderful time of the year, the season of goodwill to all men, the... (get on with it! - ed).

1. Leanne & Peter & Nick. If Leanne thinks she can keep things together, cover up her sordid 'joinings' in the Joinery with Jolly Saint Nick and prevent the legions of people who already know about her squalid legovers from spilling the beans, she's dreaming (of a White Christmas? - ed).

2. Stape & Fiz & Charlotte. If John Stape thinks he can continue to simultaneously trim Christmas trees with suspicious Fiz and Crazy Charlotte™, then he's living in a winter wonderland of delusion. Unless he can find a way to split the 12 days of Christmas (6 at Charlotte's, 6 at Fiz's? - ed), it's going to be the most unwonderful time of the year for Johnie boy and his Stapean wit.

3. Molly, Tyrone & Kev. If Molly thinks she can get out of the house (seems pretty tough - ed), let alone get out of town without Tyrone discovering the ugly truth, she's kidding herself. Tyrone may be a little naive but he's not the little dumber boy. How long before he finds out that he's been taken for a sleigh ride by Kevin and that Kevin is little Jack's real father (Feliz Navi-Dad? - ed).  

Happy Christmas!

The Barlow fever

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 12 episode on CBC

When you've got the Barlow fever, there's only one cure (more cowbell? - ed).

Don't take my word for it. Just ask that nice cultured lady on the barge, what was her name? Oh yes, Martha. She had a hankering for a Barlow that just wouldn't quit. She had it bad. Real bad. Her addiction could only be cured by one thing (more cowbell? -ed ). A regular mainline dose of Ken Barlow, the good stuff: full of editorials from the Guardian and BBC documentaries about the history of sewage. Martha got hooked on Ken and look what happened. (Not much as I recall - ed)  He left her floating by herself all the way to the Norfolk Broads (nice ladies I hear - ed).

Now here's Carla, similarly afflicted by the Barlow fever -- only this time it's worse. (She has to read Ken's novel? - ed).  Carlissima, the man eater, is addicted to Peter Barlow. She's got it bad (and I'm assuming that ain't good - ed) and she'll do anything to have her way with him.

Mind you, it's not the first time Peter's irresistible submariner musk has bewitched the ladies. Poor Shelley (the barmaid) and Lucy (the florist) were smitten by Peter's eau de nicotine and seductive tattoos (how many anchors can you etch on one man?  - ed). Peter's manly solution? Bigamy with a capital 'B'.

This time Peter is showing admirable restraint, fending off Carla's persistent advances (and her towel - ed). But you know and I know that it's only a matter of time before Carla makes like a Mountie (you mean does a musical ride? - ed) and gets her man. Because once you've got the Barlow fever, there's only one cure.

If it's Monday, I must be Colin Fishwick

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 9 episode on CBC

Well, I think this fabulous idea of sharing John Stape (you mean sharing the pain of John Stape surely? - ed) between two women is going to work out very well, don't you? Charlotte came up with the brilliant scheme so that she could get her share of Stapean wit on a part-time basis while still allowing Johnnie boy to spend quality time with Mrs. Thick as a Plank (Charlotte's pet name for Fiz).

Since John is the best liar in the world, he should be up for the challenge. Wish I could see his agenda...

Monday
- It's a 'Colin' day so I'll have to be at Charlotte's after school with a bottle of red and white.
- rent DVD (Inspector Lewis Mystery)
- buy ingredients for pad Thai & creme brule
- tell Fiz I won't be home because I have to meet Colin and tell him to stop sending malicious cards, letters, DVDs etc

Tuesday
- It's a 'Stape' day so I have be at home by 5pm with a kebab takeaway and bottle of orange juice
- rent DVD (Best of Benny Hill)
- buy bag of chips
- snuggle with Fiz on ugly sofa
- tell Charlotte to get out of my life (till later this week)

Wednesday
- Is it a 'Colin' day or a 'Stape' day? 
- Damn, I can't remember. Better play it safe and do 'Stape' in the morning (i.e. lie to Fiz, lie to Peter, lie to Chesney, lie to old Mrs. Fishwick)
and
do 'Colin' in the afternoon (i.e. meet Charlotte at home, down a pint of pinot & give reluctant hugs)
- note to self: this is doing my head in (Colin's and Stape's)

***

can't wait to see what happens on the weekend and at Christmas...

Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the offal edition

All I can say is I'm exhausted! My weak Canadian Corrie stamina can't handle five hours of glorious Coronation Street a week, at least not yet.  As you know this week has been plagued with technical problems here at Corrie Central. First there was there was the equipment problem and then the Internet connection died so our tech intern (Luke Skivewalker) has been running around all week trying to get things sorted.

But I digress. Two main points to make regarding this week. First: When is Ashley going to stand up and tell Claire to shove her charcuterie? Second: why do so many women find Peter Barlow so irresistible? Maybe it's his musky nicotine scent? or his submarine surplus wardrobe? Or his jet setting career?  Anyway, onward with TGIF, our survey of some of the memorable lines from the week. Note: due to technical glitches, it's short, and lines have no doubt been missed. I welcome any additions, oversights etc. Here goes:

Carla guesses that Leanne has been doing some 'joining' with Nick at the Joinery:
"You've not slept with him?"
(Do bacon buttys taste better with brown sauce?)


Roy makes a dramatic announcement in the Rovers:
"Gary Windass has been injured in Afghanstan"
(get well soon, Gary)


Betty reminisces about Jack's skiving in the celllar of the Rovers:
"There's moles spent less time underground"
(but they didn't have to study the racing form for hours)


Sally explains what she's doing at the house with Tyrone:
"I was about to steal your husband"
(funny you should mention that...)


Carla tells Peter not to be surprised by her ability to overcome her drink driving conviction:
"I've had more comebacks than Tom Jones"
(...and she's a sex bomb too)


Professional harpy Claire makes Ashley speak French:
"Avez-vous la chaussure de pomme?"
(Do you have an apple shoe?)

***

Have a great weekend and if you're planning on watching the omnibus on Sunday, better strap yourself in for a long ride. Cheers and all the best!

Nick (Tilsley) at Nite

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 6 episode on CBC

I won't lie to you. I'm having a hard time adjusting to the one-hour episodes of Coronation Street. It's like you've been nibbling on hors d'oeuvres or appetizers for years (tapas surely? - ed) and you have your routine down pat (first commercial break, tea; second break, chocolate digestive; third break, washroom; fourth break, Tums).  Then, after years of appetizers, someone finally puts a full English in front of you. Yes, it's a feast but I have to pace myself. (Get on with it! - ed)

Which brings me to Nick at nite. Yes, Nick Tilsley is hard at work (oi! watch it! - ed) running the city's latest hotspot (at least it will be when Leanne wants to claim the insurance money - ed) and bringing in all the cool, young punters. Even Rosie thinks that her mom (aka 'Mom babe') is too fossilized for the funky, electro-beat stylings of Studio Shifty Bore (aka 'Nick's wine bar').  

So is Nick happy with his new business venture? Sadly. no. Sure he managed to get Leanne drunk on opening night and they copped off after pouring champagne down their respective necks. But now Nick wants more. He spends his time slagging off Peter and pining for Leanne. Leanne is racked with guilt and trying to focus on her wedding.  In fact the whole thing is a bit of a mess. (God help us if Gail decides to stick her oar in and  starts hanging out at wine bar just to find out what's really bothering 'her Nick'). 

Add to the fact that the Joinery seems to be massively over staffed and mostly generating revenue from Carla's alcohol consumption and I think this is one wine bar which may be well and truly doomed. Maybe they can get a furniture manufacturer to take over the premises. At last they wouldn't have to change the name...

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Joinery edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 1 episode on CBC

Fellow Corrie lovers, I hope you'll bear with me as I adapt to the new digital transmission of Coronation Street. Unlike most Canadians. the Corrie Central state-of-the-art technical studio relies upon over-the-air broadcasts of Corrie so we are upgrading equipment. Please do not adjust your blog. It's been a momentous week on the Street as Jack leaves us and the Joinery officially opens. Let's review some of the lines of the week in this edition of TGIF. Off we go:

Jack offers support to Molly who's struggling with the fact that Baby Jack is actually Baby Kevin:
"It's a rotten world, Moll"
(that's why Kevin's in it)


Sian shares her theological view of the Almighty's take on lesbianism:
"God got it wrong and he'd be the first to admit it"
(We're talking about God here not a cast member from Big Brother)


Ashley is drunk in the Rovers and telling jokes:
"You know what the best cure for insomnia is?"
(I bet it's a good night's sleep - yawn)



An embarassed Sally tries to pry a drunk Kevin out of the Rovers."
"Kevin, come on, you're making a show of yourself"
(and not a good show like 'Phantom of the Opera' either)


Charlotte is charmed by John's way with words:
"You always retain that Stapean wit even in times of distress"
 (Stapean wit? Surely that's an oxymoron?)


Leanne assures Nick that the Joinery doesn't mean that much to her
"It's brick and mortar and bar snacks"
(In fact, I think you'll find that the bar snacks are mostly bricks and mortar)


Molly tells Tyrone not to think about Jack's funeral:
"The 'F' word is banned for today"
(You mean 'F' as in real Father?)


Nick raises a toast to his staff before the new wine bar officially opens:
"If the Joinery were a person, it would be Leanne Battersby"
(filled with booze and mini hotpots?)


Jack thinks he sees Vera as he sits in his chair:
"Are you waiting for me, my swampduck?"
(Adieu Jack. We'll miss you)

***

Well, fellow lovers of Corrie, that's it for another week. Hope you have a great long weekend and I look forward to meeting you here again next week at Blanche's Polish Hip. Thanks for stopping by and cheers.