Carla's bro boosts Coronation Street's BQ

please note this post makes reference to the August 8 episode on CBC

What's BQ, you ask?  It's a scientific metric which we, at Blanche's Polish Hip,  use in our labs to measure the ratio of male-to-sexiness on Coronation Street. In laypunter's terms, it's called the Beefcake Quotient (BQ). For example, Kirk Sutherland (nice fella that he is) tends to cause a decrease in the BQ on the Coronation Street while Dr. Carter tends to create an.. um.. upswing (I'm with you so far -ed).

Thus, the surprise appearance of Carla's mysterious bad boy sibling has, in the words of our receptionist Abby Downton, "deffo put the spice in Old Spice."  So what do we really know about this "Rob" apart from the fact that he's easy on the eyes?

Well, first we know that he is fresh from doing time in the nick (well, who hasn't on Coronation Street? It's like the price of admission to the Street - ed)

We also know that he doesn't like Peter Barlow as evidenced by his manhandling of PB (BTW, that doesn't stand for Personal Best - ed) and takes dim view of Carla's taste in men (Tony Gordon? Frank Foster? Surely not? - ed)

And we know that Rob has "issues" with his sis about their Mum. Looks like Rob was forced to carry the load which necessitated him breaking the law to earn some cash which resulted in a prison sentence at a little barbed wire B&B called Strangeways. (anyone can make a mistake - ed)

But, on the plus side he likes the ale at the Rovers, already thinks PB is a plank and seems to be very interested in the fair Michelle.

As they say on those wildlife documentaries, I guess "nature will take its course" (actually, in this case, it's more like the survival of the 'fittest' - ed)

The Worst Valentine's Day

note: no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

I know that Canadian viewers are not watching Corrie in real time but are in fact five months or so behind (and gaining fast, Captain -ed), but still the arrival of Valentine's Day comes as a grim reminder of Carla Connor's ongoing troubles with bad men.

Carla came to the street as the wife of businessman Paul Connor, a shrewd fella who managed to buy Underworld but had an unfortunate hobby of sleeping with prostitutes. Anyhoo, long story short, Leanne wound up in the trunk of his car and Paul died.

Thus started a strange, dangerous pattern in Carla's love life. She got involved with a slick Scot named um.. oh yes.. Tony Gordon. But all the while she was really pining for Liam. Tony didn't like that and arranged for Liam's demise (you mean he sent him to Downton Abbey? - ed). Carla was devastated and then was almost killed by her horrible hubbie, Tony, who turned out to be not so much an assertive, confident and successful businessman (och, you're too kind - ed) as he was a psycho killer.(well, anyone can make a mistake - ed).

And, unfortunately, we now see the pattern repeating. Carla allows herself to be courted by the rodent-like Frank Foster even though she's really pining - not for Liam this time but Peter Barlow (if ever they need an alcoholic bookie on Downton Abbey... - ed).  It is only when Carla cancels the wedding that Frank turns ugly again (as Maria knows only too well) and his true nature is revealed.

The only anomaly to this pattern was Carla's brief fling with the brilliant binman Trevor. He was kind, sweet and loving with nary a violent, pyscho bone in his body. Boy, does Carla ever need someone like that now.

Carla Connor's most famous speeches

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 31 episode on CBC

First, sincere apologies to faithful readers of TGIF. Like Becky Granger, I feel that I have let you (i.e. Dev & Sunita) down by stealing from you (i.e. not posting) while your shop was in ruins after the tram crash (i.e. was away skiving). But enough groveling. Let's focus on the stirring words of Carla Connor. What a marvelous orator (watch it! - ed).  What were her original, non-plagiarized words to the workers? Oh yes, "Ask not what Underworld can do for you, ask what you can do for Underworld."  It really gets your blood going doesn't it? (As does Carla - ed). Makes me wonder what other famous speeches, Ms. Connor takes credit for:

"Ech bin ein bin man" (I used to date a bin man named Trevor)

"Now this is not the end of my chardonnay. It is not even the beginning of the end of my chardonnay. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning of my chardonnay. The point is: I need more flamin' chardonnay!"

"Fourscore and seven days ago, a new Underworld was built dedicated to the proposition that all tea breaks are created equal"

"Mr. Armstrong, build up this wall!"

"Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that if Underworld and its skivers last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘These were their finest knickers."

"I did not have sex with that woman, sorry I mean I did not have sex with Peter Barlow"

The Barlow fever

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 12 episode on CBC

When you've got the Barlow fever, there's only one cure (more cowbell? - ed).

Don't take my word for it. Just ask that nice cultured lady on the barge, what was her name? Oh yes, Martha. She had a hankering for a Barlow that just wouldn't quit. She had it bad. Real bad. Her addiction could only be cured by one thing (more cowbell? -ed ). A regular mainline dose of Ken Barlow, the good stuff: full of editorials from the Guardian and BBC documentaries about the history of sewage. Martha got hooked on Ken and look what happened. (Not much as I recall - ed)  He left her floating by herself all the way to the Norfolk Broads (nice ladies I hear - ed).

Now here's Carla, similarly afflicted by the Barlow fever -- only this time it's worse. (She has to read Ken's novel? - ed).  Carlissima, the man eater, is addicted to Peter Barlow. She's got it bad (and I'm assuming that ain't good - ed) and she'll do anything to have her way with him.

Mind you, it's not the first time Peter's irresistible submariner musk has bewitched the ladies. Poor Shelley (the barmaid) and Lucy (the florist) were smitten by Peter's eau de nicotine and seductive tattoos (how many anchors can you etch on one man?  - ed). Peter's manly solution? Bigamy with a capital 'B'.

This time Peter is showing admirable restraint, fending off Carla's persistent advances (and her towel - ed). But you know and I know that it's only a matter of time before Carla makes like a Mountie (you mean does a musical ride? - ed) and gets her man. Because once you've got the Barlow fever, there's only one cure.

Carla & Trevor: Brilliant or binned?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 4 episode on CBC

I'm very happy that Carla has such a nice bloke to help her get over the trauma of Underworld (before or after the fire? -ed) and the evil machinations of Tony Gordon (how dare he refuse her Hobnobs? - ed). But the thing is, I'm wondering whether Trevor and Carla are really a good match.

Carla is a high-maintenance, fashion-plate with a taste for expensive cars and pricey Chardonnay. Trevor is a straight-up, honest, working man whose idea of a great night is a couple of cans, an Indian take-away and something funny on TV. They are the epitome of an odd couple and somehow I can't see it working out between them - at least not in the long run. Just look at them eating dinner together. What exactly do they have in common? (a healthy dislike of Nick Tilsley? - ed) What on earth do they talk about? (their healthy dislike of Nick Tilsley? - ed).

Trevor, bless his heart, wants Carla to go to the World Cup. "How about running away to South Africa with me?" he says.  I think Carla's idea of attending the World Cup probably involves sitting next to Posh Spice in the VIP box , nibbling caviar and sipping champagne. I don't think she's the kind of gal who would sit in a noisy grandstand with a can of lager and a Vuvuzela stuck in her ear (hey, watch it, it's a family blog - ed). However, there is someone who would consider that to be heaven and her name is Janice.

Carla Connor and her 'to do' list

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 28 episode on CBC

Well, it's all kicking off now. Tony's got a gun (not a Claymore? - ed) and he's being as evil as a custard slice with salmonella. Poor Carla! As if she doesn't have enough on her plate. I can only imagine what her 'to do' list looks like....

11. get more Chardonnay (I'm down to me last four cases)
10.make appointment to get hair done (NOT at Audrey's)
9.  tell Trevor not to keep saying "Bin there, done that" after sex.
8.  fire Janice (I'll figure out why later)
7. fire those other factory workers who never speak and whose names I don't know but appear sometimes on the factory floor
6. get rid of Nick Tilsley (what a flippin' waste of space!)
5. fix hole in roof (it ain't rainin' men in here, it's just flippin' rainin')
4. find out what the hell happened to the two grand which was in the safe
3. get some new knicker contracts or Underworld will go under
2. ask Hailey about her salsa classes (sounds like fun!)
1. get untied and get away from ex-husband/nutter/psycho killer before he kills me

Bin there, done that

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Dec 27 episode on CBC

Just what exactly is Carla Connor playing at?  She's comfortably ensconced at Underworld, acting all coquettish with a new hairdo and taking a shine to the friendly neighbourhood binman (wait till Janice finds out. It'll be UFC (Ultimate Freeforall Catfight) time - ed). So what's the attraction? And why is Cruella slumming it when she could be wining and dining with knicker factory suitor Nick Platt?

My sources at Tim Hortons (i.e. Judy) confirm that binman Trevor Dean is a "bit of alright", significantly boosting the hunk quota on the Street (It's about time! - ed). Maybe Carla is tired of smooth-talking rag trade/murder moguls like Tony Gordon? Or dark, broody guys like Liam? Maybe she's interested in someone upright, genuine, straightforward and easy on the eyes. Trevor liked Carla when he thought she was a cleaning lady at the factory. There's a certain kind of Cinderella-esque magic there.

Then there's the timeless allure of the binman, that most romantic of all trades.(utter rubbish! - ed). There's a legacy of binmen on Coronation Street from the legendary Eddie Yeats to Curly Watts (quality guys from the waste up - ed). It's hard not to fall for the sight of a man on the bins (not to mention the smell - ed).

One way or the other, Carlissima seems to have a soft spot for Trevor. I can hardly wait to see them in some cozy little restaurant sharing a vat of Chardonnay and a spag bol. Makes me think of the Lady and the Tramp.

Despicable 'T'

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 5 episode on CBC

"I was despicable" . Thus spake Tony Gordon a few days ago when he told Carla that it was none other than the TG himself who dispatched the enigmatic Jimmy to do away with her. Nothing personal, Tone was just trying to protect himself and his new nuclear family from his past indiscretions (Muder? - ed). Of course, that didn't work out. In an scene right out of the Keystone Cops, Carla thought she'd killed Jimmy and Tony convinced her to run back to LA.

But now things have fallen apart since DC Smith says the coppers have nabbed the elusive Jimmy and he's apparently ready to flap his gums like Jesse's parrot when Eileen walks into the room ("Polly want to kill her, squawk"). So what's the problem? Well, DC Smith clearly knows that Carla is not telling the truth and her alibi (I went shopping in LA - for six months. They have a lot of shops) is falling apart faster than a stale Barm cake at Roy's Rolls. After all, she actually found out all about Tony and how he killed Liam on the night of their Big Fight at Underworld.

So now what happens to Carla? Can she be charged for concealing a crime? How about for conking Jimmy on the head with a heavy object (her humongous wine glass? - ed)?  I'm not sure the police can or will lay any charges but just wait until Michelle, Roy, Hayley and everyone else finds out what Carla knew and when she knew it. Then just watch the fur fly.

Underworld Inc

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the sept 15 episode on CBC

Ahh Underworld. So many fond memories: Jed Stone in a hamper, the skiving, psychos hiding at night, the skiving, the industrial accidents, the skiving, the fires, the... (get on with it! - ed). But now, with all the turmoil, it's getting harder and harder to figure out who actually owns this innovative knicker enterprise.

Personally, I liked it back in the good ol' days when Mike Baldwin owned the joint, lock, stock and barrel. Back then, there were no questions about who owned how much. Mikey owned 100 per cent of the skiving. Period. But alas, things changed. Danny, his son, became part owner. Eventually the factory wound up in the incompetent hands of Adam Baldwin who sold it for a handful of shiny buttons and string to the Connors. Carla eventually got Paul's share and Tony Gordon squeezed Liam out of his share. 

For a while there, I thought Luke Strong had bought Carla's share but I was wrong. I guess he was just a trustee (poor choice of words - ed). Then comes my favourite part. Rosie purchased 60% of the company from Luke - except Luke didn't own any shares. So Rosie's flirtation with Underworld ownership was like all her flirtations: brief and nasty.

Which brings us back to Carla. I guess she now has Tony's share and her own share and thus becomes the first sole proprietor of Underworld since the incomparable Mike Baldwin. So 100% of the skiving now belongs to her. Janice must be thrilled.

***

FYI to all Hip readers. A small business trip (skiving probably - ed) will find me away from my hi-tech Corrie console for the next few days. I'll try to do TGIF from a remote location but it may not be possible. Sorry about that. Back for sure next week. Cheers to all.

The Carla Conundrum

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 8 episode on CBC

An astute reader made an interesting comment about the noticeably absent Carla Connor and what she's playing at. In particular, why didn't Carla ring the local cop shop (1-800-DCWeller? - ed) after learning the full extent of Tony's pernicious deeds?

Instead Cruella (or 'Morticia' if you're Janice Battersby - ed) took the first plane to Los Angeles and is now incommunicado (Is that near Malibu? - ed) presumably spending her time with an old friend and learning the difference between 'crisps and 'chips'. Her instructions are funneled via a lawyer. So what's her game?

Well, here's what we know:
1. She appointed the very fit Luke Strong to act on her behalf with respect to her interests in Underworld.
2. She gave Luke the option to buy out her interest in Underworld and, in fact, encouraged Luke to exercise that option - which he did.
3. She gave her share of Ladrags to Maria.

Also, bear in mind that Carla is the only person with a fairly complete overview of Tony's misdeeds. She interviewed both Jimmy (Tony's nervous associate and driver of the car which killed Liam) and Jed Stone. She heard Tony's confession in total and she knows that he's a psycho nutbar.

Is it possible that Carla simply wants to get away from Tony and Underworld and start over in the land of the Superbowl? Unlikely. After all, Tony killed Liam, the man she dearly loved. I think Carla has a game plan to deal with Tony but it hasn't played out yet. I also suspect that Luke is a pivotal part of that plan. Maybe he isn't who he says he is (i.e. just an old friend of Carla who knew Paul Connor). Maybe Luke's been charged with a more 'extensive' mandate (make a deep-fried Mars Bar using Tony as the Mars Bar? - ed)

There's definitely something about Luke. For one thing, his modus operandi is a little odd. First he shows up as Carla's representative. Then, later on, he decides to buy out Carla's stake in Underworld. Then, later on, he decides to fire Tony. Why didn't Luke do all of that in one fell swoop? He's like a magician doing a 'slow reveal' and keeping Tony constantly off balance. Then, right at the beginning of Friday's episode, Luke says to himself (in a Scottish accent no less) something along the lines of: "... it wasn't me. I wasn’t there."

Curiouser and curiouser. My guess is that Luke's got more tricks up his sleeve...

Exeunt Connors

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the November 30 episode on CBC

It seems like only yesterday that Liam Connor made his debut on the street, walking into the Rovers and sniffing out a ripe pigeon (one of Jack's? - ed) in the person of Adam Baldwin, clueless inheritor of Underworld. A few ticks later and Paul Connor is in on the action, helping his brother seal a sweetheart deal for Underworld (50 quid, two pints, a box of Quality Street and a haircut? - ed) all because Adam Ant wanted to get rid.

Michelle? Well she was the sexy singer in Vernon's cutting edge band (The rock rhythm method pals? - ed) who was hired as a barmaid. Of course, Vernon tried it on but he was well out of her league. Soon Paul's vampy wife, Carla, joined the family on Coronation Street and the Fab Four were well installed. This was a good-looking group people. Michelle and Carla could be reasonably be classified as eye-candy. While Paul was a nice lad with money and Liam, well, as far as I can determine he was considered the 'hunk plus ultra' of Corrie.

So what happened?

Well, consider the unfortunate stats. Two of the Connors got killed. One was binned and the other did a runner. Now there is an SHS (serious hunk shortage) on the street and a huge reduction in eye candy. Who's left? (Kirk and Janice? - ed).

The really creepy thing is that the four Connors have been replaced by another family of four, a dynasty which is making its own indelible mark on Coronation Street: the Windasses!

Arggh.

Truthin' Tony

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the November 25 episode on CBC

Goodness knows, I'd like to talk about the Windass baking book or Janice's fervent desire to be a nurse (can you smoke on the job? - ed), Vicki's mom or even Steve & Lloyd (Canada's Steven & Chris? - ed), but the predominant story continues to be Carla and Tony's marathon face-off in the deserted knicker factory (the Corrie version of 'My Dinner with André' - ed).

You have to hand it to Carla, she is one gusty babe. I wouldn't have the tamales to go mano-a-womano with Tony. But then Carla is tough and she's also got a lot of 'truthin' (copyright, Nancy Sinatra from 'These boots are made for walkin' - ed) of her own to do about her love of Liam.
And she doesn't hold back either when she compares Tony to Liam the Great, "He [Liam] tasted better than you. He walked better than you. He talked better than you. He was better in bed than you."

Ouch.

...but was she a partner in Ladrags?

But Tony's got a few barbs of his own, "He [Liam] was like the third person in our marriage. Camilla Parker Bowles had nothing on him."

(Well, maybe a few more ciggies and a couple more G&Ts, but I get the idea)

So, everyone lets everything hang out. But what happens now, now that this terrible truth is out there.
Couples counselling? (I'm afraid that's all the time we have today, we'll pick up on the murder next time.")
A call to DC Weller ? (convenient and she certainly won't need a GPS, since she's been to the Street so often)
Another job for Jimmy? ("okay, but this is definitely the last time, Tony")

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Law & Order, SVU

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the November 24 episode on CBC

...and by SVU, I mean Scottish Victims Unit (stop mctypecasting my people - ed). You've got to hand it to Carla Connor. She makes Sherlock Holmes look like Inspector Clouseau (if Sherlock Holmes was a hot fox - ed). It took Maria, several weeks, a trip to Cyprus, a can of paint and a spelling error ('muder' most foul - ed) to sniff out Tony's evil deeds but Carla spends 24 hours on the case and she's almost got the whole thing figured out.

I like to think she's been taking my advice from a previous post but maybe she just has the 'killer' instinct. Look at her productivity. She makes one quick visit to Wigan (is there such a thing? - ed) to see Jed Stone. A few pints and a mixed grill later, she knows that Tony's been terrorizing the old man and even sees the marks around his neck (Jed likes his negligees to fit snugly - ed).

Two days later, Carla is back on the case, this time having a chat with the mulit-tasking garage mechanic and enigmatic Jimmy (garage slogan: we specialize in lubrication and intimidation). Now Carla has almost put together the pieces but she has forgotten two important things:

1. A bulletproof alibi so as not to arouse Tony's suspicions
2. An 'insurance' policy, i.e. a companion or witness to deter Tony from inflicting bodily harm.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be in an empty knicker factory with Tony (even with double overtime? - ed). Oh well, maybe Ed Windass will show up at an opportune moment with some cakes. We can only hope...

Relationship ratings

spoiler alert; this post makes reference to the October 19 episode on CBC

Whew! Maria's finally gone to Cyprus (to practice her spelling? - ed) and Tony's hi jinks are taking a back seat to some of the evolving relationships on the Street. Let's take a quick gander:

Lloyd & Danielle: Even though she's saving for a boob job (right now, she can only afford to do one - ed), Danielle is history. Lloyd is moving on to the alpha female of Brazilian crunch: Liz. Zero out of five stars for this one.

Lloyd & Liz: Yowsa! It looks like the chemistry is there and Liz certainly doesn't waste any time. She said 'no' for about half a second and then had Lloyd in a leg lock inside her boudoir while Steve-o was downstairs making small talk with Betty. I give this one three out of five stars: ***

Molly & Tyrone: While Jack's busy ejecting Pam and her biofuel lab from the backyard (so ends the possibility of the first pigeon/chip oil powered hybrid car - ed), Molly is continuing to play silly beggar with Tyrone. It can't last and something's got to give. Either they're a couple or they're not. Right now, I give it only two stars out of five: **

Carla & Tony: With cash flowing in again, the tepid twosome can now get on with what they do best: spend money (kilts for everyone! - ed). This won't last. Carla is just too circumspect and suspicious and you can tell that her heart's not in it (Carla has a heart? - ed). As far as she's concerned, hogmany is hogwash - even if Tone does wear a kilt. I give this one a single star out of five: *

Norris & Sunny Jim: With Emily playing detective and on the hunt for Jed, Norris and Sunny Jim are destined to be spending a lot of time together, mostly locked in a psychological battle of wits (I'll put 10 quid on the cat - ed). One star out of five: *

Kilt complex

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 17 episode on CBC

Well, it's nice to finally meet Tony's brother. Pat seems like a nice lad (are you sure they're related? - ed). He is certainly shedding some light on Tony's mysterious background. For example, we discovered that 'T' was married before (och, just a wee detail - ed). And we know that the Tonemeister (aka 'Flash' Gordon according to Jed Stone) kidnapped young Pat's Action Man when they were kids (probably paid his bald henchman to do it - ed). As the naively astute Tom says to Pat: "Your childhood must have been a nightmare with this one as your brother."

Hmm, I wonder what growing up with Tony was like? If only Pat would expound, I think it would go something like this...

"Tony was a bonny bro. He used to take me for long walks in the glen (but I always managed to find my way back home). He said he loved the smell of Heather, but by afternoon he would grow tired of her and send her home. When we were older, he refused to pay for my music classes. He said bagpipe lessons were redundant. But he loved to hear me play traditional Scottish laments. His constant request was that I play 'Far, far away'. (Do you ken it?).

One summer, our dad got a job as an extra on 'Braveheart' so we had a few pennies to spend on frills like food and shelter. We stayed in a nice cabin by the lake. Tony would dare me to go swimming at midnight. 'There's nothing to be afraid of in Loch Ness,' he would say. 'It's perfectly safe. I'd join you but I don't want to get my sporran wet.' When I came back, cold, wet and shivering, Tony would be there to offer me a tea towel to dry myself and the warmth of a roaring candle. He was a guid lad."

****

Shots from the hip... well, that's it for the week. looking forward to the continuation of Tony and Carla's wedding and the fallout from their nuptials. Enjoy the weekend edition and meet me back here next week. All the best and thanks for stopping by.

Rosie, CEO

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 15 episode on CBC


Bottle of Cuvee Rovers Champagne to celebrate Tony & Carla's upcoming nuptials: £25.50

Rubber band for Tony's ring finger: £0.03

Wedding reception for 50 guests: £2,500

Custom-made sporran for groom: £174.90

Lost productivity of factory staff while they attend the wedding: £1,000

Lost productivity of Janice Battersby while she attends the wedding: £1.53

Payment installment on £600,000 debt for one month: £11,880.72

Cake from Diggory Compton: £103.00 (£120 with frills like icing and flour)

Envelope of money for Tony's bald henchman as payoff to be best man at the wedding: £300 (in small unmarked bills)

Live bagpipe music by legendary Scottish band, 'Men without Kilts': £140.00

Two-week all-expenses paid luxury honeymoon: £5,750.00

Putting Rosie Webster in charge of Underworld while you're away: priceless


There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's blackmail.

Liam the love zombie

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 28 episode on CBC

Remember when Carla managed to insinuate herself back into Liam's life by secretly investing in his new company? For the bargain price of £50,000, she got part ownership in a budding t-shirt company ('Sad rags'? - ed) and an opportunity to torture Liam - all at the same time.

So what was she thinking? That she would be able to turn Liam on and off like a water fountain on Bessie Street? Bad idea. Liam has transformed from a dark, sullen, brooding fellow into an even more dark, sullen brooding fellow. We don't know exactly why or how, but he has become a single-minded robot, a love zombie and his caveman mantra seems to be: 'me want Carla, must have Carla!' (Must be taking elocution lessons from Terry Duckworth - ed). Carla's little teasefest is now completely out of control.

"Why are you doing this?" asks Carla when Liam pops over to get an eyeful (and more) of the tasty bride while the Tonester is out for the night.
"Because I'm sick and tired of trying not to," replies Liam with that now-familiar Tim Horton trademark glazed look in his eyes.

After Carla 'clip clops' across the room in her heels to remove her bridal outerwear, the twosome have it off and manage to finish up their horizontal hijinks mere moments before Tony shows up - sick to his stomach with rage and resentment (either that or he ate a dodgy hotpot - ed). I thought it was impossible, but I even felt a twinge of sympathy for Tony. Not only did he have to endure the inane ramblings of clueless Tom ("Tony, chillax, yeah") at the Rovers but he is about to get married to the woman who's having it off with her late-husband's brother. Yowsa!

Meanwhile, Maria can't catch a break. As winner of the 'Charlie Stubb's bit on the side' award, you'd think she would deserve better and yet there she is sitting alone listening to Adele on the radio singing 'Chasing Pavements'. What happens next? Well, according to Tom, Tony's bachelor party is supposed to be a "10 point plan for oblivion" and Michelle thinks it would be a grand idea to have the hen party and the stag party get together. I don't like the sound of this. Worlds will collide and people, including Carla, will almost certainly get hurt.

festival of one-liners

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 27 episode on CBC

Ladies, gentlemen & punters! Lock all the doors, put the kettle on and turn up the volume at 7pm because I don't think it gets much better than this. A cornucopia (keep it clean - ed) of compelling stories for our viewing delight. The one possible exception is Norris who hurts his back and is lying on the floor of the Kabin. The only way that this gets interesting is if a herd of stampeding elk charges through the corner shop for a quarter pound of licorice allsorts and Norris gets 'underfoot' in the literal sense of the word.

But I digress. As I say, the street is cooking with gas and the one-liners are coming fast and furious. Here's a small sampling of my faves:

Julie re: Janice's theft: "the whole debacle has dented the passenger door of the car I call human nature."
(then what does she call human nature? a Volvo?)

Vickie re: Janice's theft: "she brings new meaning to the word vile"
(boy, her English is getting really good. Pretty soon the factory girls won't be able to understand her!)

Dev to Nina: "I'm a single man, ergo I am free to ogle"
(agreed, but don't call me 'Ergo'.)

Nina to Dev: "As I said in the Bollywood classic 'Summer of the 16th sari"..."
(sequel to the 'summer of the 15th sari' - with Sylvester Stallone, I believe. I laughed, I cried)

Carla about Michelle: "She spends more time in front of the mirror than Simon Cowell"
(Surely not. Simon holds the Guinness world record)

the webster web

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 20 episode on CBC

Rosie Webster's disappearance is making waves up and down Coronation Street and the best part is how the story interconnects with so many characters in different ways. In fact, almost everyone seems to getting involved in one way or another.

Kevin and Sally are astounded to read Rosie's bank statement (must be the exorbitant service fees - ed) and the police are hot on the trail of the £25,000.

Sophie is royally teed off because her paernts are obsessed with Rosie. Rita gets into the act telling Sophie, "I always thought you had a bit more about you."

The factory crew are livid because they believe Rosie has ripped them off and absconded off with their lottery winnings - after all they've done for her. "How does the Weatherfield Barbie repay me?" says Sean.

The investigation into the $25,000 is making Janice increasingly antsy and she is now getting cold feet about the whole plan with Leanne.

Leanne is in a spot of bother because she committed to give/lend her share of the money to Dan to buy the bookies.

Meanwhile, far from the Street, in an undisclosed luxury spa, Tony is making Richard Hillman look like Mr. Dressup as he unveils a creepy plan for the weekend (full body massage with a loofa brush and a Brazilian wax? - ed). He regales Carla, Liam and Maria with a humourous story about how a female employee betrayed him by having an extramarital affair with a competitor - so he had the competitor beaten senseless, broke up the guy's marriage, bought his company for a song and fired the female employee. (Funny story but I guess you had to be there).

That's just the start. Then it's time for "a chat between two guys" says Tony. Hmm. Let's see: Liam and Tony, mano-a- mcmano, off for a brisk walk to a place where there is a very large sign which reads 'DANGER'. What could possibly go wrong?

designing women

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 25 episode on CBC

Two designing women are stealing the show on Coronation Street these days with their manipulative skills, raw sexuality and devious ways (Emily Bishop & Rita Sullivan? -ed).

On one corner of the Street, Carla Connor (aka Cruella de Connor or Carla de vil) is 'having her way' with Liam is a most evil way. Poor old Liam has already paid dearly to extricate himself from her clutches. He sold his stake in the factory for mere pennies to Tony, the professional business predator, in order to get away from Carlissima and make a fresh start with Maria. But alas, Liam's quiet life of pubbing and babymaking is torn asunder once more when his hapless business partner, Tom, 'gets into bed' with Carla (surely a metaphor-ed) in order to secure a business deal with a t-shirt manufacturer in America. For the bargain price of 50,000 pounds, Carla is able to get back into Liam's life and make him miserable, uncomfortable and turned on - all at the same time. "Gotcha", she says.

Then there's Nina, or as Vernon calls her: '99 Luftballoons' (ixnay on the German - ed). Here's another designing woman at work. The Bollywood Beauty swans into Dev's corner shop (sorry, I mean signature food emporium) any time she wants just to keep the Devster firmly wrapped around her little ring-encrusted finger. Only Nina could walk into a grotty corner store, ignore the 300 year-old cans of Spam and expired packets of Peek Freans digestives, and say, "I'm scintillating." After Nina cancels a date with Dev, the paramour (or 'Devamour' as Vernon calls him) goes outside to drown his disappointment by putting a few golf balls into a glass jar on the street (Must be just like St. Andrew's on a spring morning). Chalk up another victory for another designing woman.

Gotcha again.

Enjoy the weekend and the Sunday omnibus. See you next Tuesday.