Tony Gordon, It's Friday - Audrey Robert's edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Jan 27 episode on CBC

Well, fellow Corriephiles, the fur is really flying this week (fake fur, no doubt -ed) as Rita and Audrey go toe-to-toe, shemano-a-shemano in the escalating war over smooth-talking, senior, pay-as-you-go gigolo Lewis Archer. This week's TGIF pays tribute to the warring women as we search for the most memorable lines of the week and display them for your reading pleasure. Let's go:

Audrey dismisses Emily's offer to play mediator in her row with Rita:
"I’m not declaring war on Poland love"
 (yeah, that was someone else. Can't remember the name but I think it began with an 'H')


Audrey again, chiding Rita for intimating that she married Alf for his dosh:
"God forgive you making allegations like that when you've got the morals of an alley cat yourself"
(hey, that's Ms. Alley Cat to you)


Rita tells Audrey her apology isn't much of an apology:
"You know if somebody gave you an olive branch, you'd poke 'em in the eye with it".
(especially if it was an extra virgin olive branch)


Rita tells Audrey that she's behaving foolishly:
"Better than to fall in love with a gigolo. Next thing you're slapping and scrapping like a fishwife"
(That's Ms. Fishwife to you)


Rita summarizes her feelings:
"Audrey Roberts has always been a cow"
(...and Rita's lactose intolerant)


Norris tries to compliment Rita:
"look at you Rita: You're a glamourpuss, a siren, albeit in your seventies"
(geez, whatever Lewis charges... it's worth it)


Audrey describes Lewis to Gail:
"Well, he's in the hospitality industry and very good at what he does"
(yes, and he has dozens of satisfied customer to prove it)


Leanne is in the Rovers telling Janice about her concerns over Peter's fidelity:
"He's always had the hots for that over-made up skank"
(I'm afraid you're going to have to narrow it down a bit)


 Leanne again telling Janice about Peter's vices:
"There's only two things that Peter's addicted to: booze and birds"
(You forgot bigamy)

***

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for the week. Have a great weekend and enjoy the Sunday omnibus episodes. Many thanks for stopping by and visiting the Hip. It's always a pleasure. See you next week as Leanne & Peter ponder their future and Norris prepares for a trip to the moors with Mary. Cheers!

The Ghost of Alf Roberts

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Jan 25 episode on CBC

Audrey: "Just one word: Alf."

And when Audrey says "Alf", I don't believe she's referring to the unfortunate NBC sitcom of the1980s which featured a wise-cracking, friendly alien named 'Alf' as the show's star. No, this 'Alf' is Audrey's late husband, the inimitable Alf Roberts, city councilor, corner shop owner and former Mayor of Weatherfield.

You may well ask what's Alfie all about?

Well, Rita and Audrey have always had a friendship with a slightly competitive edge. As babes of their day, they had their fair share of man-candy to chose from. Audrey was pursued by Alfie and, although they didn't share much in common, they did share Alf's vast personal fortune. Alf, a man of..er.. modest tastes (they still haven't been able to pry his wallet open - ed), showered Audrey with a nice semi-detached house (i.e not in Coronation Street) and a business (the hair salon) to boot.

Audrey was never much interested in Alf's 'work' but she was interested in being Mayoress. Alf wasn't so sure and briefly considered Rita for the job, someone he long admired as a friend and fellow entrepreneur. That was rift number one. Then, as I recall, there was some kerfuffle about some photos found on Alf's camera after his death. Seems Rita featured in some of the snaps (hubba hubba! -ed) which was sort of explained away as a technical snafu and swept under the rug (you mean Norris' hairpiece? -ed). That was rift number two. And, of course, Audrey is very sensitive about the notion (quite prevalent) that she was a gold digger who married Alfie for his cash (No Interac in those days - ed). So, when ol' Rita accuses Audrey of being like Lewis the escort in that respect - things are bound to get nasty.

Lucky Amy Barlow

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Jan 24 episode on CBC

Could there be a better childhood than growing up in the backrooms of the Rovers Return? Don't answer that question (Amy certainly won't - ed). Lucky Amy Barlow/McDonald. Her childhood is like a cross between 'The Lion, The Witch & the Wardrobe' , 'Snow White & The Seven Punters' and 'Harry Potter and The Skiver of Doom' . The evidence?

When your dad hides your Easter eggs out back in the smoking shelter, you know your childhood is special.

When your Grandma spends most of her time wearing low-cut leopard print tops and ogling the male bar staff, you know your childhood is special.

When Mommy is serving 15 to life for manslaughter, you know your childhood is special.

When your Dad's ex is still working in the bar, you know your childhood is special.

When your Dad and your Stepmom are caught 'cooking' in the kitchen with nothing on except a ladle, you know your childhood is special.

I wonder where Steve hid the other Easter eggs? Down in the cellar? An ashtray in the cab office? In the back seat of Eddie Windass' taxi? In the gunnel?  Under a piece of gristle in Betty's Hotpot? Next to a pigeon? I guess it's all a world of wonder for a young (mute) girl like Amy growing up in the magical kingdom... of a pub.

Hip notes... gotta love the names of some of those businesses mentioned by Rita and friends. Notably, 'Perm Suspect' and 'I Claudia'. What a hoot!

Tony Gordon, It's Friday - the forgetful edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Jan 20 episode on CBC

Does Jason Grimshaw have amnesia or not? Personally, I forget... but I haven't forgotten about TGIF, your weekly reprise of memorable lines from the past week of Corrie. I'm a tad remiss this week because, believe it or not, the Corrie Central kitchen here at the Hip-podrome is being renovated next week (no, not by the ghost of Joe McIntyre). That means normal all-encompassing Corrie activities have been somewhat interrupted by logistics and packing (enough with the excuses, ger on wi' it - ed and/or Janice).
Ah yes, well, here we go:

Claire Peacock isn't shy about describing Ashley's sexual prowess:
"What can I say? He's an animal"
(yeah, a wild squirrel)


Sophie Webster explains the rules of text messaging:
"When somebody texts you, you have to text them back. It's like the law"
(LOL)


Steve Mcdonald insists that there's nothing wrong with his libido:
"My mojo is still rising"
(in the East, I believe)


Dev tackles the case of the locked balcony door:
"I'm going to get the big hammer"
(I believe you'll find it right next to the small hammer)


Liz wonders why all the fuss about Steve:
"What's a mojo?"
(I could be wrong but I believe it's a motorized banjo)


John Stape faces the bitter truth:
"I will never teach again"
(yes, but there are plenty of kidnapping opportunities out there...)


Mary tells Norris that she has been poaching the odd candy while working at the Kabin:
"I hope you don't mind me taking liberties with your peanut brittle"
(As long as you don't do it in front of the customers)


Lewis, escort extraordinaire, flatters the lovely Rita:
"You have this aura of glamour about you"
(That'll be £5.45, please. Shall I put it on your bill?)

***

Well, that's it for this brief week. Some things don't change. Tina's in a rage. Becky's upset. David's a headcase and Jason's brain is not working properly. O tempus, o mores. Or, as Kirk would say, "eh?"

Thanks for the comments, the words or wisdom and for dropping by. Have a great weekend. I'll be back next week. Cheers!

Kirk Sutherland, online gigolo

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the January 19 episode on CBC

It's enough to drive single women back to the relative safety of scuzzy, badly-lit singles bars: Kirk Sutherland is dating online. Kinda takes the harmony out of eHarmony, doesn't it? It's easy, claims Weatherfield's own Steve Jobs (you mean Steve Job-Centre, don't you - ed). You simply post a personal ad on an online dating site and write anything you want. When the deceived young lady shows up at the appointed rendez-vous location (the local kennel? - ed) and realizes that Kirk is neither an astronaut nor a race car driver (although he could be a race car skiver - ed), ol Kirkie simply turns on the charm. Or so he says. Fortunately, it's probably relatively easy to spot Kirk's on-line 'come hither' pitch. I suspect it probably goes something like this:

Racecar driver/astronaut seeks woman.
You are: fun-loving and fit. You like long walks on the beach - with a dog, and like to spend evenings at home with a take-away, a Matrix DVD (not the sequel, it was rubbish) and a dog.
I am: a race car driver/astronaut and a SWF (Single Weatherfield Fella). I like romantic dinners and paintball (but mainly paintball). Intelligence not important. (mine not yours). Send me an email and a photo (of your favourite dog). I don't mind FWB (Fox Terriers/Whippets/Beagles).

***

Thanks so much for the comments especially re: Gail's dad, Ted. I completely forgot about Ted. It seems that well over 50% of Gail's family has conveniently overlooked the fact that Gail is in jail waiting to be tried for murder. Lucky Gail with just David (the witness tamperer) standing shoulder-to-shoulder... with himself on visiting day. Even Nick is too busy to stop by. How can things possibly get worse?

Tony Gordon, It's Friday - the denied bail edition

no spoilers were used in the making of this post.

First and foremost, thanks for the comments. Regarding the long four months before Gail's case goes to trial, I'm not sure what's considered a reasonable delay before a trial goes to court but, knowing Corrie writers, four months is probably not unrealistic in the UK -- although it does seem unreasonable. No-one so far (like her lawyer) has mentioned this issue but Nick is supposedly trying to find Gail a new, better lawyer so maybe the issue will come up in the future.

I guess for Corrie fans the big question is: Will we see Gail on a regular basis over the four months and be introduced to a whole host of new characters (i.e. inmates)? Or,  will we just not see her for a few months until the case goes to trial. Either way, it doesn't look good for Gail, especially with David trying to 'help' in his patented psycho-boy way. Now, to the business at hand, by which I mean TGIF, 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday', a look at some of the memorable lines of the week. Avast!

Eileen tells Sean that she wants to put Jesse's props out for the garbage collectors:
"I’m not sure they'd know what to do with a plastic cactus"
(Oh I think they could probably figure it out)


Tyrone tells Kev that the baby could eventually become part of the garage management team:
"We could change the name of the garage, couldn’t we? Webster’s, Dobb's and Son"
(or, maybe Webster's Son & Dobbs would be more accurate...)


Audrey is aghast at the class of people visiting the jail:
"There’s a woman over there with more tattoos than David Beckham"
 (and I bet she has a more threatening voice too)


Auntie Pam describes Molly's behaviour:
"Someone who’s barely out of her wedding dress before she’s dropped her drawers for her husband’s best friend."
(well, when you put it like that, sure it sounds bad)


John Stape introduces himself at his first adult education night class: 
"Evening everybody. - My name’s John Stape"
(...and I'm a kidnapper)


Kevin Webster tells his daughter that buying costly apparel is not the main goal in life:
"Clothes are not important".
(Actually, I think Rosie knows that based on how little she wears)


David Platt is aghast at Tina's behaviour towards Gail:
"How do you even sleep at night Tina?"
(Well, first she takes off those big earrings)


Carla makes a pithy remark after David steals Nick's car:
"He's a scamp your little brother, isn't he?"
(If by scamp you mean psycho-killer, then yes I suppose he is)


Eileen's neat summary of her and Jesse:
"You're an insensitive moron, and I’m a moody, stubborn cow"
(Is that kinda like 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'?)

***

Well, fellow Corrie fans, that's it for the week. Whether you're watching online or on Sundays or every weeknight, I hope you enjoyed the week and I do thank you for dropping by. Have a great weekend and I'll see you here next week. Cheers!

No bail just jail for Gail

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Jan 12 episode on CBC

Four months before Gail's case goes to trial! Holy Mackerel, I don't think I can take four months of Gail simpering in a cell while her very nice young lady friend cellmate plays cards and reminisces about the beach at Morecambe. In case you missed it, Gail's bail appeal didn't go very well in that it was denied. Seems she's a flight risk and could hop on a Virgin Atlantic flight at any time to escape her heinous alleged crimes.

Oh well, maybe Nick Tilsley will be able to find some time in his busy schedule to visit Mom in jail once or twice before the case goes to trial. What's with him anyway? Why does Nick have an aversion to the nick?

And here's another question about the Platt family. Where the hell is Sarah Louise?  Does she know her Mom is in jail for murder? Might be nice to drop by for an hour or two before Gail gets sent down, but oh wait, Bethany has the sniffles and Milan's Pizza Pizza has a two-for-one special this weekend. Can't miss that.

Then there's David. How stupid can he possibly be? (well, he did drive his car into the canal - ed). Tampering with witnesses? The way things are going, we could soon see two Platts behind bars.(well, at least there's some light at the end of the tunnel then - ed).

And last, but not least, what about Audrey? Will she make up with Gail or simply get chummy with Lewis and forget all her troubles with a long-term romance? And, if Audrey does more spend time with Lewis, will he give her a discount or charge her full price? Maybe he can accompany her to Her Majesty's Prison to see Gail. I wonder what the going rate is for jail visits?

Poetic Justice & John Stape

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Jan 11 episode on CBC

Do you get the feeling that John Stape is always a hair's-breadth away from going off his nut again? (Sorry, I mean, "still harbouring emotional scars related to his anger management issues with Rosie Webster"). It could happen any time, especially now that he's back to teaching again and conveniently forgot to mention to his boss that he was banged up in the Weatherfield Nick for several months (I believe he said he was 'travelling', visiting exotic locales like his cell and the shower - ed).

It's those adult education students I feel sorry for. What happens if Johnny Boy loses it again during one of his riveting sessions about the Romantic poets?  It could go something like this...

"My name’s John Stape. I’m taking over from Mr. Guest. Do call me John, won’t you? I’ll try to remember all of your names. Of course, there's one name I'd really like to forget and that's Rosie Webster, that tacky teen tart who ruined my life by being kidnapped by me and held in my Gran's attic. But enough about me, let's get to the Romantics...". 

or maybe,

"Yes, so as I was saying, the Romantics aren’t safe and boring and spending all their time writing poems about daffodils. They don't waste their time reading moronic tabloids or gossip magazines or flouncing around showing off their bodies, seducing honest men and forcing them to kidnap them and keep them locked away because they ruined my life... Oh sorry what time are we supposed to finish?"

You see? And that's only the first class. Just wait till he starts teaching 'Don Juan' by Byron or 'The Rime of Rosie Webster' by Coleridge... I'm sure he'll lose it and go ballistic.

Kelly Crabtree: Great Leggspectations

no spoilers were used in the making of this post

Call me an old softie (only in the head -ed) but I feel sorry for Kelly Crabtree. Yes, I know, I know, she only has herself to blame for much of her misfortune. But take a quick look around the factory floor. Let she who is without sin cast the first stone. Janice? (ripped off her mates in the lottery). Teresa? Tried to poison her husband. Carla? (ol' Voldemorticia™ married a killer, committed adultery, hit Jimmy on the head, got a new hairdo with bangs) Hayley? (had the hots for Olaf, an African aid worker). Shall I go on? The point is no one at Underworld is perfect (especially 'Saint Nick'. What a snake! - ed). Kelly just happens to be that one poor soul who keeps paying for her mistakes.

Her unfortunate history goes way back. She slept with Danny Baldwin (a mistake). The only thing she got out of that was her nickname: legs. She went out with Lloyd until she found out he was cheating on her (another mistake). When Becky got a job at Underworld (she was Kelly's old jailbird pal), Kelly gets blamed for Becky's thieving. She sleeps with Steve McDonald (thus all Streetcar owners. What about the cabbies? - ed), bookie Dan Mason, Nick Tilsley and...well, you get the idea.

Kelly has always been her own worst enemy but still, just once, I would have liked to see her find a nice bloke and have something good happen. After all, she is the best machinist at Underworld and, as she herself said, "I'm Kelly Crabtree with the legs!" 

***

Thanks for all the comments.Regarding jail, I guess I left out a few people. I had forgotten about Sunita and of course there's Jim (whom I also miss). That adds up to lot of jailbirds among our dear Coronation Street dwellers. Who knew? Cheers to all

Tony Gordon, It's Friday - the Gail 'n Jail edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Jan 6 episode on CBC

Well, it's Friday. Gail's in jail. What more can you say, except that it's time for 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday', (TGIF), your weekly round-up of some of the more memorable lines from this week's episodes of Corrie.  There's no question that doing hard time will prove to be a hard time for Gail so with that sombre thought in mind, let's do the jailhouse rock:

Ken telling Peter to put aside his personal grievances with George for the good of Simon:
"Now is not the time to be pigheaded"
(...but I can pencil you in for next Tuesday)


Nick asking Carla if the clear glass walls in her factory office compromise her privacy:
"Do you ever feel like a goldfish?"
(No, she usually feels like a magnum of chilled Chardonnay)


Nick again insisting to Carla that he's not flirting:
"Don't tell me you're one of those vile women who thinks that everything in trousers is coming on to them?"
(don't tell me you're one of those vile men who does?)


Tina tells the Platts what she really thinks:
"You're a family of freaks. You're the Munsters"
(Which one is Herman?)


Molly describes to Kevin how she became pregnant:
"it’s a genuine, total, out of the blue cock up"
(I didn't even know they came in different colours)


Molly again extolling the awesome benefits of her pregnancy to Kevin:
"You'd make a great dad"
(Two words: Rosie Webster)


Detective Sergeant Carr specifying Gail's charges:
"On the 8th of February at Lake Windermere in the County of Cumbria, you murdered Joe McIntyre contrary to Common Law"
(On the 9th of February, David Platt stole a motorboat, also contrary to Common Law).


Nick has a bit of news to share with Audrey and David:
"I didn’t want to say anything because of everything that’s going on, but I’ve bought into Underworld"
(Oh and, by the by, I'm radioactive, having sex with a horse and singing the lead in Mama Mia - didn't want to muddy the waters, what with the nasty murder business and all. Cheerio)


Mary explains why Norris went to the doctor:
"It was only to double check a hairless patch on his shoulder".
(don't you mean his head?)

***

Well that's it for another wild week on the Street. Thanks to Mary and everyone for the comments which I greatly appreciate. I hope you all have a great weekend and an enjoyable omnibus on Sunday. Thanks also for stopping by at Blanche's Polish Hip and I'll see you back here next week for a virtual cuppa, a virtual Barm cake and more musings about Weatherfield. Cheers!

The Coronation Street Jail Report

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the jan 5 episode on CBC

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 'Jail Report', your latest update on who's in and who's out of the nick. If you're anything like me (...you're really unfortunate - ed), you have trouble remembering who's in the slammer and who's not in the slammer, and, who was in the slammer at one time or another. Let's recap:

                               In jail                  out of                               it's
                                                        jail/juvie                     complicated             

Gail  Platt                yes                          -                         *trial pending

John Stape               -                          yes                        *married inside

Gary Windass          -                          yes                         *David-related

Deirdre Barlow        -                          yes                        *bigamist-related

Tony Gordon          yes                         -                           * 'muderer'

Kevin Webster        -                          yes                          *Stape-related

Graeme Proctor      -                         yes                                 -

David Platt               -                           yes                          *will surely be back

Tracy Barlow          yes                         -                             *parole pending

Jackie Dobbs           -                           yes                          *will surely be back

Steve Macdonald    -                          yes                            *long time ago

Becky Granger         -                           yes                           *stitched up

Gail Platt's stand-up

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Jan 3 episode on CBC

First and foremost, Happy New Year to all fellow Corrie fans and many, many thanks for all the comments about the Second Annual People's Golden Hotpot Awards. Much appreciated even though controversy erupted in the Best Crime Story category as readers couldn't believe that Tony Gordon's arrest for murder was overlooked as the winner in that category. I don't know what the judges were thinking...

Anyhoo, let's move on to Coronation Street 2011 as the extremely sensible and self-sufficient Simon escapes the delights of Balmy Blackpool (jewel of the North West - ed) and returns to Weatherfield. How did he get back? Knowing Simon, he probably rented a car and drove himself ("I just took the M55 along to the M61 then went south on the M61 to Manchester. Stopped for petrol and a sandwich and bought some sausages from Freshco for supper, silly. How was rehab, dad?")

But the big story is Joe's funeral and the little, shall we say 'contretemps', which broke out in the sombre confines of the church. Tina is upset and bolts out of the church only to return and find Gail Platt doing what appears to be a stand-up routine in front of the congregation. Allow me to paraphrase in case you missed it (by paraphrase, I assume you mean make stuff up - ed):

"How you're all doing? Nice to be here. Hey, it's not easy living with someone with depression. Especially during a depression. (da dum dum). Fortunately, we had access to the local medical clinic. Too bad Joe thought it was self-serve. (da dum dum). But seriously, it's like the elephant in the room. It's there all the time - just like David only much less annoying. (da dum dum). Just kidding, David.

But seriously, ladies and germs, I still say Joe was the best thing that happened to me since I took a land/cruise package with my last husband - without a boat. Da dum dum. Is this thing on? I know we're in church but feel free to crack a smile before the recessional hymn. Speaking of religious music, what's the deal with hymns? Were they all written by guys? Why don't they call them 'hers'?

Anyhoo, I see Tina's back so I'll just say thanks, you've been a great audience and, if you're planning on making something... why not make me a channel of your peace? Gail out. Word."