please note this post makes reference to the May 28 episode on CBC
what you need to know: Peter's being investigated by the Royal Bookie Commission, Leanne is sticking around, Lewis says he got 40 hours of community service (lucky Deirdre!) and Frank has an evil plan to move Underworld offshore.
That Frank Foster! First he escapes the rape charges and now he's scheming with the mysterious "Jenny" to grab Carla's share of Underworld, shut the factory and outsource the entire operation (including tea mugs? - ed) to some top secret location where the Olympics were recently held (Vancouver? - ed). The poor skivers at the factory don't even have a clue except for Sally and Mrs. Foster who have twigged to Frank's twitchy behaviour.
I thought Judy (at the Tim Horton's) would be outraged but she wasn't the least bit shocked.
"I'm surprised that Mike Baldwin didn't do this years ago," she said while serving a jelly-filled. "The cost of manufacturing knickers in Weatherfield must be huge compared with what it costs in China or some other country. And let's face it, those knickers aren't exactly haute couture. They're more like snowflakes - no two are alike."
I guess Judy's right. I never thought about it like that before. But nevertheless, it's a travesty to send good British manufacturing jobs overseas (are we still talking about Underworld? - ed). Where are people like Fiz and Julie and Sean (and all those other nameless extras who never say anything) going to find jobs? According to Frank, the only employee left standing will be Kirk - to handle shipping and receiving. Oh the irony!
I'm just glad I won't be there on the factory floor when that sniveling vole, Frank, makes the dreaded announcement:
"Ladies, if I can have your attention for a moment please. I have good news and bad news. The good news is Underworld will be changing its name to "The Happy Productivity Knicker Collective" (or FoxConn for short). The bad news is we'll need a crate of P45s because you lot won't be working there. That's all. thank You."
Oh dear. Somebody stop him.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Coronation Street Skiver's note: "I'm really sorry"
please note: I've been away so long that no spoilers are remotely involved in this post
Well, this is certainly embarrassing. I went away for the Victoria Day weekend and it turned into a skive-a-thon of epic proportions. Excuses? I was tied up by John Stape, held hostage by Tony Gordon and locked in Underworld by Frank Foster. (well, two out of three isn't bad - ed) But the important thing is that I'm back and our IT specialist, Luke Skivewalker, has activated the sophisticated electronic recording equipment (FYI, it's the 'on' switch - Luke) that allows us to monitor, with extreme precision, who's cat fighting with whom.
So let's get back to business with a few choice lines from the past two weeks (Tony Gordon, It's Sunday? - ed). Drum roll please:
Julie to Brian:
"Everyone sees you as this incredible teacher"
(kind of like Mr. Holland's Doofus?)
Gail to Audrey re: Lewis the Bounder:
"He's as slippery as a bucket of eels"
(coincidentally, he's also currently living in flat the size of bucket)
Brian reveals the ugly reproductive truth to Julie:
"My boys can't swim"
(Yes, but what about your spermatozoa?)
Lewis writes a note of apology to Peter for stealing his money:
"I'm really sorry"
(if he had committed murder his note would have said, "I'm really, really sorry")
Audrey lashes out at Deirdre on the subject of erotic escapades with Lewis:
"Better a bed than a bookies' counter"
(I'll put a fiver on 'Snoggin' the Bounder' to win)
Lewis is trying to be truthful with Audrey regarding his intentions::
"Most of us sleepwalk through life"
(especially if you work at Underworld)
Ches wants to do more to help Katie with the baby:
"There's no 'I' in family"
(or in 'spelling' apparently)
Beth to Tracy:
"You're not as bad as folks say"
(actually she is)
Leanne returns to give Carla a piece of her mind:
"Peter's addicted to you like he is to booze. Sooner or later the hangover kicks in"
(...damn, that's means yet another support group in addition to his AA meetings)
Well, this is certainly embarrassing. I went away for the Victoria Day weekend and it turned into a skive-a-thon of epic proportions. Excuses? I was tied up by John Stape, held hostage by Tony Gordon and locked in Underworld by Frank Foster. (well, two out of three isn't bad - ed) But the important thing is that I'm back and our IT specialist, Luke Skivewalker, has activated the sophisticated electronic recording equipment (FYI, it's the 'on' switch - Luke) that allows us to monitor, with extreme precision, who's cat fighting with whom.
So let's get back to business with a few choice lines from the past two weeks (Tony Gordon, It's Sunday? - ed). Drum roll please:
Julie to Brian:
"Everyone sees you as this incredible teacher"
(kind of like Mr. Holland's Doofus?)
Gail to Audrey re: Lewis the Bounder:
"He's as slippery as a bucket of eels"
(coincidentally, he's also currently living in flat the size of bucket)
Brian reveals the ugly reproductive truth to Julie:
"My boys can't swim"
(Yes, but what about your spermatozoa?)
Lewis writes a note of apology to Peter for stealing his money:
"I'm really sorry"
(if he had committed murder his note would have said, "I'm really, really sorry")
Audrey lashes out at Deirdre on the subject of erotic escapades with Lewis:
"Better a bed than a bookies' counter"
(I'll put a fiver on 'Snoggin' the Bounder' to win)
Lewis is trying to be truthful with Audrey regarding his intentions::
"Most of us sleepwalk through life"
(especially if you work at Underworld)
Ches wants to do more to help Katie with the baby:
"There's no 'I' in family"
(or in 'spelling' apparently)
Beth to Tracy:
"You're not as bad as folks say"
(actually she is)
Leanne returns to give Carla a piece of her mind:
"Peter's addicted to you like he is to booze. Sooner or later the hangover kicks in"
(...damn, that's means yet another support group in addition to his AA meetings)
***
My apologies again for a prolonged absence. In the immortal words of Lewis Archer, "I'm really sorry" (but it would have been even worse if I'd stolen £3,000 from you). I'll be watching next week and I hope you will be too. Have a great Sunday and I'll meet you back here (that's what they all say - ed) next week right here at the Hip.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Coronation Street Drinking Game
please note: this post makes reference to the May 11 episode on CBC
That was an interesting scene between hunky Dr. Carter and Audrey (+ Gail). Audrey is in for a visit because she had a fainting spell and Gail, well Gail's there because she's Gail. Anyhoo, Dr. Carter is asking a few innocuous questions when the topic of drinking comes up - specifically Audrey's weekly alcohol intake. Is it 13 units a week? 15 units a week? More? (If, by units, you mean Rovers' inventory, then yes - ed).
The quantity of alcohol consumed on the Street is something I've wondered about for quite a while. I even had this naive notion that I would count the number of alcoholic beverages consumed during Corrie episodes over the course of a week -- but I lost count and gave up.
But let's take guess, for fun. Let's see, Rovers is open for lunch and for after work-happy hour-after dinner-evening hours. Then, of course, there's all those bottles of wine purchased from Dev's which are consumed at home. With that in mind, let's take an average punter or punterette.
He may have a pint at lunch in the Rovers, a couple more pints after work and a half bottle of wine at dinner. That's like nine units (give or take) in one day! Now multiply by 7 days in the week and you get 63 units!
Holy Mackerel! No wonder Gail and Audrey are having a contest. Let the best woman win!
Speaking of drinking games. This blog in no way endorses the consumption of alcohol while watching Corrie however I have heard that they are a number of Coronation Street drinking games out there.
1) The Me-too drinking game: Every time someone on the Street has a drink, you have a drink. When someone buys a round, you have two drinks (WARNING: this can be hazardous to your health)
2) The Productivity drinking game: every time someone at Underworld actually does some work (i.e. sews a pair of knickers), you take a drink (WARNING: you could die of thirst playing this game)
That was an interesting scene between hunky Dr. Carter and Audrey (+ Gail). Audrey is in for a visit because she had a fainting spell and Gail, well Gail's there because she's Gail. Anyhoo, Dr. Carter is asking a few innocuous questions when the topic of drinking comes up - specifically Audrey's weekly alcohol intake. Is it 13 units a week? 15 units a week? More? (If, by units, you mean Rovers' inventory, then yes - ed).
The quantity of alcohol consumed on the Street is something I've wondered about for quite a while. I even had this naive notion that I would count the number of alcoholic beverages consumed during Corrie episodes over the course of a week -- but I lost count and gave up.
But let's take guess, for fun. Let's see, Rovers is open for lunch and for after work-happy hour-after dinner-evening hours. Then, of course, there's all those bottles of wine purchased from Dev's which are consumed at home. With that in mind, let's take an average punter or punterette.
He may have a pint at lunch in the Rovers, a couple more pints after work and a half bottle of wine at dinner. That's like nine units (give or take) in one day! Now multiply by 7 days in the week and you get 63 units!
Holy Mackerel! No wonder Gail and Audrey are having a contest. Let the best woman win!
Speaking of drinking games. This blog in no way endorses the consumption of alcohol while watching Corrie however I have heard that they are a number of Coronation Street drinking games out there.
1) The Me-too drinking game: Every time someone on the Street has a drink, you have a drink. When someone buys a round, you have two drinks (WARNING: this can be hazardous to your health)
2) The Productivity drinking game: every time someone at Underworld actually does some work (i.e. sews a pair of knickers), you take a drink (WARNING: you could die of thirst playing this game)
Friday, May 11, 2012
Tony Gordon It's Friday: the dramality edition
please note: this post makes reference to the May 11 episode on CBC
Phew! For a moment I thought that 'Nathan' was really Kevin and that Kevin was having it off with Tyrone's partner - again. Thanks to Tommy for using the 'stealth vehicle' (aka tow truck) to verify that Nathan is not Kevin although there is definitely some hanky panky going on.
Elsewhere on the street, it's an extreme case of OMG as Rosie Webster gets the opportunity of a lifetime A scholarship? No. A prestigious job? No. A chance to help the poor and starving in the third world? Not exactly. Rosie has been selected to participate in a cheesy reality TV show - or as she calls it a 'dramality' show. This could be the start of something big. Move over Boston Rob (Survivor) and Justin Guarini (American Idol), there's a new reality contestant in town. In the meantime TGIF. On with some of the good lines from the week:
Rosie explains her good fortune to Jason:
"I'm going to be a dramality star, Jason. It doesn't get much better than that"
(For the sake of humanity, I sincerely hope that it does)
Jason tells Rosie he's not happy about the dramality show format:
"Where you have to cop off with some bloke?"
(er, yeah. that's about it)
Milton thinks Roy is kidding about his lack of interest in a new venture:
"Are you jerking my chain?"
(if by "jerk', you mean "pull" and by "chain" you mean "leg", then the answer is "no")
Jason reminds Rosie about the good ol' days:
"We used to pretend to be David and Victoria Beckham"
(Which one of you was David?)
Brian confides in Ken a deep secret:
"I've had a vasectomy"
(I think you'll find that makes a vas deferens to Julie)
Phew! For a moment I thought that 'Nathan' was really Kevin and that Kevin was having it off with Tyrone's partner - again. Thanks to Tommy for using the 'stealth vehicle' (aka tow truck) to verify that Nathan is not Kevin although there is definitely some hanky panky going on.
Elsewhere on the street, it's an extreme case of OMG as Rosie Webster gets the opportunity of a lifetime A scholarship? No. A prestigious job? No. A chance to help the poor and starving in the third world? Not exactly. Rosie has been selected to participate in a cheesy reality TV show - or as she calls it a 'dramality' show. This could be the start of something big. Move over Boston Rob (Survivor) and Justin Guarini (American Idol), there's a new reality contestant in town. In the meantime TGIF. On with some of the good lines from the week:
Rosie explains her good fortune to Jason:
"I'm going to be a dramality star, Jason. It doesn't get much better than that"
(For the sake of humanity, I sincerely hope that it does)
Jason tells Rosie he's not happy about the dramality show format:
"Where you have to cop off with some bloke?"
(er, yeah. that's about it)
Milton thinks Roy is kidding about his lack of interest in a new venture:
"Are you jerking my chain?"
(if by "jerk', you mean "pull" and by "chain" you mean "leg", then the answer is "no")
Jason reminds Rosie about the good ol' days:
"We used to pretend to be David and Victoria Beckham"
(Which one of you was David?)
Brian confides in Ken a deep secret:
"I've had a vasectomy"
(I think you'll find that makes a vas deferens to Julie)
***
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that concludes another week on the Street. Tina seems to be as stroppy as ever. Gail's hair is so long it threatens to block out her eyes. And dysfunctional management abounds at Underworld. In other words, it's business as usual. Have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by. I'll meet you here next week for more mithering right her at Blanche's Polish Hip..
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Beef Encounter could be a big mis-steak
please note: this post makes reference to the May 8 episode on CBC
Looks like the Man from Uncle Miltie™ is determined to open a restaurant on Coronation Street. Robert Vaughan seems to think that a theme restaurant where the punters choose their steak and then have it cooked for them is a sure-fire business success. Look's like the ugly American is quite the beef baron, a regular Donald Rump (that's enough -ed) Me? I'm not so sure.
First of all, just how many food-serving establishments can the Street support? There's the Rovers (hot pot and sandwiches), Nick's Bistro (Slogan: 'They come for the food and stay to stare at Eva's bizarre hairstyle'), the Kebab shop (is that still in business?), the Chippie (hasn't been the same since Cilla worked there) and, of course, Roy's Rolls (where the full English will never, ever, ever become a full American).
So what's Milton's business plan?
Well, first he has to convert the butcher's shop into a restaurant. That's going to cost a few dollars er sorry, I mean pounds. (Better check in the freezer just in case, Tyrone may have left a felon in there - ed). Then there's new fittings, a new chef (Ciaran?), staff (Tina?) and finding a clientele with some dosh. But the X factor is Sylvia. Will she stay loyal to Roy or will she become an American's woman?
Stay tuned
Looks like the Man from Uncle Miltie™ is determined to open a restaurant on Coronation Street. Robert Vaughan seems to think that a theme restaurant where the punters choose their steak and then have it cooked for them is a sure-fire business success. Look's like the ugly American is quite the beef baron, a regular Donald Rump (that's enough -ed) Me? I'm not so sure.
First of all, just how many food-serving establishments can the Street support? There's the Rovers (hot pot and sandwiches), Nick's Bistro (Slogan: 'They come for the food and stay to stare at Eva's bizarre hairstyle'), the Kebab shop (is that still in business?), the Chippie (hasn't been the same since Cilla worked there) and, of course, Roy's Rolls (where the full English will never, ever, ever become a full American).
So what's Milton's business plan?
Well, first he has to convert the butcher's shop into a restaurant. That's going to cost a few dollars er sorry, I mean pounds. (Better check in the freezer just in case, Tyrone may have left a felon in there - ed). Then there's new fittings, a new chef (Ciaran?), staff (Tina?) and finding a clientele with some dosh. But the X factor is Sylvia. Will she stay loyal to Roy or will she become an American's woman?
Stay tuned
Friday, May 4, 2012
Tony Gordon It's Friday: The healthy lunch edition
please note: this post makes reference to the May 4 episode on CBC
Frank beat the rap. Milton is being American. Steve is playing (1/2) house with Tracy. Peter and Carla are wearing the scarlet letter on the street (that's 'cause their love life is a red rec - ed). Nothing for it but to recount some of the memorable lines of the week. However, please note that I missed Thursday's episode (I was on the road) so if you have any lines you'd like to pass along, please do.
Ahem
Stella has a few choice words for Peter now that she knows the truth about the xmas gifts:
"I should have taken that necklace and shoved it down your throat"
(I guess that's why they call it a choker)
Leanne suddenly clues into Peter's lies - like the time he said he was going away for the night to invest in a greyhound:
"You were going to see a dog"
(no comment)
Milton has a brilliant idea for a new theme restaurant:
"Beef encounter"
(hey how about "Meat me in St Louis" or "Dressed to Grill"?)
Frank's lawyer take a dim view of how Carla deployed Maria at Underworld:
"Using her as sexual bait"
(Well, Frank certainly went for it hook, line and sinker)
Carla's lawyer is skeptical of Frank's account of that fateful evening:
"So she initiated sex and sent you out of the flat"
(that's how it usually goes with Frank, sometimes he even gets sent out of the flat before sex is initiated)
Frank tries to explain Carla's bruises to the court:
"Carla and I had a very passionate sex life"
(as will you when you finally get sent to prison)
Milton has grand plans for his/Roy's new theme restaurant:
"Beef encounter will be bigger than Mcdonalds"
(Roy's not lovin' it)
Brian brags to Julie about his success with the school governors:
"I was like Barack Obama"
(More like Richard Nixon I would say)
Rosie explains to her boyfriend why the media is interested in her:
"Jase I'm a celeb. Everything I do is news"
(wait, I have to tweet that)
Frank beat the rap. Milton is being American. Steve is playing (1/2) house with Tracy. Peter and Carla are wearing the scarlet letter on the street (that's 'cause their love life is a red rec - ed). Nothing for it but to recount some of the memorable lines of the week. However, please note that I missed Thursday's episode (I was on the road) so if you have any lines you'd like to pass along, please do.
Ahem
Stella has a few choice words for Peter now that she knows the truth about the xmas gifts:
"I should have taken that necklace and shoved it down your throat"
(I guess that's why they call it a choker)
Leanne suddenly clues into Peter's lies - like the time he said he was going away for the night to invest in a greyhound:
"You were going to see a dog"
(no comment)
Milton has a brilliant idea for a new theme restaurant:
"Beef encounter"
(hey how about "Meat me in St Louis" or "Dressed to Grill"?)
Frank's lawyer take a dim view of how Carla deployed Maria at Underworld:
"Using her as sexual bait"
(Well, Frank certainly went for it hook, line and sinker)
Carla's lawyer is skeptical of Frank's account of that fateful evening:
"So she initiated sex and sent you out of the flat"
(that's how it usually goes with Frank, sometimes he even gets sent out of the flat before sex is initiated)
Frank tries to explain Carla's bruises to the court:
"Carla and I had a very passionate sex life"
(as will you when you finally get sent to prison)
Milton has grand plans for his/Roy's new theme restaurant:
"Beef encounter will be bigger than Mcdonalds"
(Roy's not lovin' it)
Brian brags to Julie about his success with the school governors:
"I was like Barack Obama"
(More like Richard Nixon I would say)
Rosie explains to her boyfriend why the media is interested in her:
"Jase I'm a celeb. Everything I do is news"
(wait, I have to tweet that)
***
Well, connaisseurs of Corrie, that's it for another week. Frank and Sally are reaching new heights of obnoxious-ness as Frank enjoys his 'not guilty' verdict. Simon is 'acting up' in school (small surprise) and Rosie may be part of a reality TV show (good casting). Now this I've got to see. Have a great weekend. Thanks for dropping by and all the best. Here's hoping you come back next week for more Hip. Laters.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
The Peter Barlow personality test
please note: this post makes reference to the May 1 episode on CBC
Judy at the Tim Horton's made an astonishing admission yesterday (the 'small' coffee has become a 'medium' coffee and the 'medium' is now a 'large' ? - ed). We were discussing Peter Barlow and she said she liked him, partly because the actor who plays him (Chris Gascoyne) is so good and partly because "he is a deeply, unabashedly flawed" person. I didn't have time to continue the conversation because there were several antsy punters in line waiting for their fix of Timbits and double doubles, but it got me thinking (that's a first - ed).
After all, we're all flawed but how do we know if we're "deeply" flawed? Here's a quick quiz designed by the reputable International Association of Skiving Psychologists (IASP). Please answer the questions as honestly as possible:
1. At least once in my life I have..
a) thought about bigamy
b) read about bigamy
c) committed bigamy
2. When it comes to alcohol, I occasionally like...
a) a glass
b) a bottle
c) all of it
3, I go to church...
a) often
b) rarely
c) only to humiliate Leanne in front of a crowd because she had a legover with Nick
4. I would never entertain thoughts about killing anyone..
a) because that's wrong
b) because I'm too busy playing away
c) except Nick Tilsley and Frank Foster (and possibly Norris)
5. I think extra-marital affairs are...
a) wrong
b) inevitable
c) difficult to conceal
6. My idea of a perfect date is...
a) a romantic, candlelit dinner
b) a long walk on the beach
c) orange juice at the Rovers and a secret legover
d) lying to my wife
7. Submarines are filled with...
a) tattooed submariners
b) Ciaran and lads
c) broken dreams and hollow, empty souls
d) seame..(that's quite enough -ed)
8. Every now and then I step outside the bookies to...
a) have a cigarette
b) take a break from work
c) have it off with Carla
If you answered 'c' or 'd' to five or more of these questions, you may be deeply flawed like Peter Barlow... or related to Peter Barlow.
Judy at the Tim Horton's made an astonishing admission yesterday (the 'small' coffee has become a 'medium' coffee and the 'medium' is now a 'large' ? - ed). We were discussing Peter Barlow and she said she liked him, partly because the actor who plays him (Chris Gascoyne) is so good and partly because "he is a deeply, unabashedly flawed" person. I didn't have time to continue the conversation because there were several antsy punters in line waiting for their fix of Timbits and double doubles, but it got me thinking (that's a first - ed).
After all, we're all flawed but how do we know if we're "deeply" flawed? Here's a quick quiz designed by the reputable International Association of Skiving Psychologists (IASP). Please answer the questions as honestly as possible:
1. At least once in my life I have..
a) thought about bigamy
b) read about bigamy
c) committed bigamy
2. When it comes to alcohol, I occasionally like...
a) a glass
b) a bottle
c) all of it
3, I go to church...
a) often
b) rarely
c) only to humiliate Leanne in front of a crowd because she had a legover with Nick
4. I would never entertain thoughts about killing anyone..
a) because that's wrong
b) because I'm too busy playing away
c) except Nick Tilsley and Frank Foster (and possibly Norris)
5. I think extra-marital affairs are...
a) wrong
b) inevitable
c) difficult to conceal
6. My idea of a perfect date is...
a) a romantic, candlelit dinner
b) a long walk on the beach
c) orange juice at the Rovers and a secret legover
d) lying to my wife
7. Submarines are filled with...
a) tattooed submariners
b) Ciaran and lads
c) broken dreams and hollow, empty souls
d) seame..(that's quite enough -ed)
8. Every now and then I step outside the bookies to...
a) have a cigarette
b) take a break from work
c) have it off with Carla
If you answered 'c' or 'd' to five or more of these questions, you may be deeply flawed like Peter Barlow... or related to Peter Barlow.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
On Coronation Street, the kids are not alright
please note: this post makes reference to the April 30 episode on CBC
Poor Simon! It looks like he's the one paying the price for Peter's two-timing ways (in fact, Peter's a two-time, two-timer -ed). Poor Amy! It looks like she's the one paying the price for Steve and Tracy's volatile, dysfunctional relationship ("my mummy got out of jail on a technicality" - ed)). And, poor Max, he's subsisting on chips and sweets (and he has David Platt for a step-dad! - ed). And, of course, there's Anna's adopted daughter Faye who has 'issues' of her own (Poor Anna! - ed).
On and on it goes. Everywhere you look the children on Corrie are witness to an incredible amount of aggro, boozing and legovers. The way things are going, they're going to need an army of certified child therapists to deal with all the psychological scars and emotional trauma around them.
Consider what poor little Simon has gone through already. His Mum died. His Dad has a drinking problem. His apartment was nearly burned down thanks to Peter. He almost lost his rabbit in the fire. His Dad broke up with Leanne. His Dad had an affair. Leanne left in taxi. Now he faces the prospect of a new Stepmom: Carla!
How can things possibly get any worse?
Hmm. I don't know but I'm sure Peter can think of something.
Poor Simon! It looks like he's the one paying the price for Peter's two-timing ways (in fact, Peter's a two-time, two-timer -ed). Poor Amy! It looks like she's the one paying the price for Steve and Tracy's volatile, dysfunctional relationship ("my mummy got out of jail on a technicality" - ed)). And, poor Max, he's subsisting on chips and sweets (and he has David Platt for a step-dad! - ed). And, of course, there's Anna's adopted daughter Faye who has 'issues' of her own (Poor Anna! - ed).
On and on it goes. Everywhere you look the children on Corrie are witness to an incredible amount of aggro, boozing and legovers. The way things are going, they're going to need an army of certified child therapists to deal with all the psychological scars and emotional trauma around them.
Consider what poor little Simon has gone through already. His Mum died. His Dad has a drinking problem. His apartment was nearly burned down thanks to Peter. He almost lost his rabbit in the fire. His Dad broke up with Leanne. His Dad had an affair. Leanne left in taxi. Now he faces the prospect of a new Stepmom: Carla!
How can things possibly get any worse?
Hmm. I don't know but I'm sure Peter can think of something.
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