Ocean's Eleven (minus 7) on Coronation Street

please note this post makes reference to the Feb 27 episode on CBC

I don't know about you, but I love a caper (preferably with a slice of smoked salmon and a bagel - ed). So what's the lowdown with Corrie's own rat pack (not to be confused with the pack of rats down by the viaduct - ed)? Well, here's the skinny:

The Caper:
Win back the £2,000 which Sylvia Cropper lost while gambling.

The Gang:
Ken "The Teacher" Barlow: don't cross him or he'll write a long-winded column in the weekly newspaper.
Dennis "The Moocher" Tanner: don't tangle with him, he's got a debit card and he almost knows how to use it.
Sylvia "The Godmother" Cropper: don't mess with her or she'll correct your syntax and grammar.
Roy "The Rainman" Cropper: don't get him angry or he will cut you... off the Weatherfield Historical Society mailing list.

The Plan:
Infiltrate the Weatherfield Casino and Laundromat (slogan: "we'll clean your smalls while we clean you out"). Enter said Casino, stopping only for a round of pineapple juices, then load up the Blackjack table with ringers (Ken. Sylvia & Dennis) and let Grandmaster Roy do his thing.

The Secret Weapon:
Math

No, really, what's the Secret Weapon?
Roy is a math whiz. He spent a couple of hours reading a book and practicing how to count cards. Now all he has to do is make sure it works before the oily casino manager gets wise to the heist.

The Getaway Vehicle:
The Weatherfield Wayfarer Bus (runs every 35 minutes, every 45 minutes on evenings and weekends)


...I love it when a plan comes together (assuming that the plan does in fact come together)

First Brangelina, now... Rary? Maroy?

please note this post makes reference to the August 15 episode on CBC

Now that Hayley has conveniently rushed away in a woody (hey! watch your language - ed) to care for yet another long lost ailing relative, Roy is fair game. At least that's what Crazy Mary is probably thinking. Let's not mince words. Mary is warm for Roy's form. Like a kooky, camper van version of Angelina Jolie, she has her eye on Brad (Roy) and is biding her time waiting to pounce when Jennifer Aniston (Hayley) least expects it (i.e always - ed).

Step One: A nice, quiet game of chess. Not since Russian chess master Boris Spassky dueled with Bobby Fisher in 1972, has there been such sexual tension between rival players. Although, to be fair, there was also a lot of animal eroticism involved in the legendary battle between IBM's Deep Blue computer and Garry Kasparov (In this case I guess Roy would be the computer? - ed).

Step Two: True Confessions. As their hands touched fleetingly while depressing the buttons on the chess clock (this is depressing me - ed), a frisson of human contact leads to an exchange of genuine, intimate revelations. Mary's love for her father. Roy's love for steam engines.

Step Three: Would you like to come up to my apartment and see my etchings? Only in this case, it's Roy's sacred 51-record set of Elgar steam engine sounds ("The Best of Steamy British Sounds") featuring over 708 hours of magical engine noises recorded in Dolby 5.1 and best suited to eliciting quick confessions from hardened criminals.

Step Four?: I guess we'll have to wait and see but consider this: If Mary tells Roy he has a fit body, do you think he'll hold it against her? (that's it. You're barred until tomorrow! - ed)

Beef Encounter could be a big mis-steak

please note: this post makes reference to the May 8 episode on CBC

Looks like the Man from Uncle Miltie™ is determined to open a restaurant on Coronation Street. Robert Vaughan seems to think that a theme restaurant where the punters choose their steak and then have it cooked for them is a sure-fire business success. Look's like the ugly American is quite the beef baron, a regular Donald Rump (that's enough -ed) Me? I'm not so sure.

First of all, just how many food-serving establishments can the Street support?  There's the Rovers (hot pot and sandwiches), Nick's Bistro (Slogan: 'They come for the food and stay to stare at Eva's bizarre hairstyle'), the Kebab shop (is that still in business?), the Chippie (hasn't been the same since Cilla worked there) and, of course, Roy's Rolls (where the full English will never, ever, ever become a full American).

So what's Milton's business plan?

Well, first he has to convert the butcher's shop into a restaurant. That's going to cost a few dollars er sorry, I mean pounds. (Better check in the freezer just in case, Tyrone may have left a felon in there - ed). Then there's new fittings, a new chef (Ciaran?), staff (Tina?) and finding a clientele with some dosh. But the X factor is Sylvia. Will she stay loyal to Roy or will she become an American's woman? 

Stay tuned

Roy & Hayley: best wedding ever?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 21 episode on CBC

It's inevitable. Every Coronation Street wedding can't help but prompt comparisons with other memorable weddings over the years. There's certainly lots to choose from and I have weighed in before on what I think are the three worst weddings of all time 

3. Deirdre Hunt & Ray Langton
2. Carla Connor & Tony Gordon
1. (tie) Mavis Riley & Derek Wilton/Vernon Tomlin & Liz Mcdonald

...not to mention my vote for the three best weddings of all time:
3. Raquel and Norman (Curly) Watts
2. Steve and Karen Mcdonald
1. Deirdre and Ken

However, after seeing Roy and Hayley's railway adventure, I have to say that this wedding now sits at the top of my top three list. Why? Well, the scenery and the steam locomotive were fabulous as were the rail cars and the joyous sight of Roy fulfilling his boyhood dream of riding shotgun. Then there was the scene of Becky and Fiz commandeering a pump wagon to get Hayley to the church on time. The location of the wedding service and the reception was magnificent (gee, I guess Mary did a pretty good job despite the sabotage). The choir was great, the songs were classy and the speeches (Roy's, Hayley's and Chesney's) were poignant, touching and heartfelt. And, just to top it all off, the newlyweds left the reception in their woody (please stop mentioning the woody - ed). What more could you possibly ask for?

Here's to Roy & Hayley

Weatherfield Police caught napping?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 30 episode on CBC

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for the boys in blue (I love the Blue Man Group too. They're outrageous - ed) but I can't help feeling that Weatherfield's finest were, how you say, caught napping when summoned to the urgent situation at Underworld.

Who knows? Maybe the cops are simply tired of getting calls from Coronation Street. ("Hello, you've reached the Weatherfield Police Force. Your call is important to us. Using your touch tone phone, please select one of the following options.For armed assault, press 1. For burglaries, please press 2. For dog napping, press 3. For murders, press 4. For anything involving David Platt, press 5.")

Anyhoo, it does seem to me (an innocent bystander) that the police were a tad tardy in getting to the scene of the crime leaving only poor Roy Cropper to deal with a gun-toting pyromaniac ("Mr. Gordon, I respectfully urge you to reconsider your current insidious course of abnormal behavioural dysfunction as your pernicious deeds will certainly not go unpunished").

Only while Becky is hammering away at the front door of Underworld (while the fellas watch!) do the cops finally show up. But then they do nothing except call Tony on the phone ("There's no answer sergeant. Should I ring again in ten minutes or leave a testy message?") and use about 300 feet of police tape to keep people away from the factory. Then, sometime later, it occurs to the police to ask ex-hostage Hailey what's going on inside Underworld. At one point a couple of the officers are even seen HAVING A CUP OF TEA with Michelle, Ryan & Ciaran!

Fortunately the fire department shows up and rams the factory door open. The rest, well... you know what happened. All I can say is thank goodness for Becky, my personal hero and Corrie's Wonder Woman.

Aye confess

spoiler alert:this post makes reference to the Sept 8 episode on CBC

What's worse? Tony Gordon trying to kill you or Tony Gordon giving you the wee kiss of life?

Well, you'll have ask the shell-shocked Roy Cropper who took an unexpected water tour of the bat habitat (batitat? - ed). But it seems that our mcpsycho, Tony, does indeed have a heart (faulty though it may be) and couldn't actually let Royston drown in the famous murky waters where David Platt parked his car, where Ken Barlow had his bit on the side, where... (get on with it - ed).

Now that Tony's at the cop shop drinking tea with the nice looking detective, questions abound.

Where's Jimmy?  How long before he gets fingered by the Weatherfield fuzz?

What about Carla? Can she afford another one-way from LAX to WEA and, if so, will Streetcars pick her up from the airport?

How about the factory? Who's going to run Underworld now that Luke's done a bunk and Tony's sleeping in one?

And, what about Maria? Now that she knows the truth, what will she do? More to the point, where is she going to find a semi-good looking bloke now that most of them are gone or in jail?

And finally, what about Tony? Will he be enjoying her majesty's hospitality in the John Stape memorial cell? (I think there must be some law that says a least one street character must be in the nick at all times)

We can only wait and watch.

to the batmobile...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 7 episode on CBC

How to Watch Bats

the second in an educational series from Blanche's Polish Hip

Hello and welcome to this very interesting educational series. Faithful readers (they've already left to watch paint dry - ed) will recall Rosie Webster's very informative guide to washing cars . Now readers can learn how to watch bats, which, I believe, is the second fastest growing spectator sport next to NASCAR.

But how can you participate in this exciting activity (a fast car and a beer sponsor? - ed). It's easy. Here's how to do it.

What to wear:

- an anorak (Roy buys them in bulk at Costco)

- sensible shoes

- green socks (also good for camping)

- a look of fear

Equipment you will need:

- a flashlight

- pepper spray (never mind why)

- a stool or folding chair

- a cellphone (to dial 999 - never mind why)

- a pen and notebook to record bat movements or write a desperate note to Hailey

- cheese & tomato sarnies (Tony's favourite next to Marmite & tuna)

- a thermos of tea (enough for two)

- a swimsuit

- swimming lessons

What to do:

- go down to the edge of the canal, close to a very dark bridge with no-one around

- make sure Tony Gordon knows where you are (you never know when he may want a wee word)

- observe bats

- hint: street lights, canal bridges and desolate lonely locations are perfect spots where you'll find usually these eerie creatures hunting for prey (wait, are you talking about urban bats or Tony Gordon? - ed) 

Elevated Threat Level

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 1 episode on CBC

I must confess I had trouble keeping my spotted dick down last night while watching the show (whoa whoa, remember it's a family blog - ed). First there was the inevitable 'morning after': John and Fiz descending the stairs after John's first conjugal visit only to find that Sally had thoughtfully 'darkened' the living room windows, no doubt to preserve a mysterious, romantic mood.

Then there was Maria and Tony, getting all McFrisky and trying to make Tony's heart rate monitor increase to the 'alive' level (try saying the word 'Carla', that usually gets him going - ed). I swear, if Gail and Joe had gone all 'nautical' again on the HMS Love Boat parked in her driveway (steady as she goes, sailor - ed), I would have lost it.

Fortunately, the counterpoint to all this hanky panky is Tony and Roy. Now that Tony is back to his old self, he is taking the bull by the horns and threatening Roy. So far, so good. But just how will Tonemeister try to  do the dirty deed. Just off the top of my head, I would wager that Roy may:
 - accidentally get run over by a 'woody'
-  get attacked by a flock of bats
-  get hit on the head with Roberts Rules of Order at the next Weatherfield Historical Society meeting

-  fall down the quarry while creating a habitat for a crested newt
- accidentally fall into the deep fryer while making chips
- find himself wearing a lead anorak in the canal

Roy's Roles

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 31 episode on CBC

Roy Cropper has many talents (train spotting, toilet roll replacement, fastest full English in the North etc etc). More to the point, on the Street, he is the touchstone of civility, knowledge and fair play. So what's he up to with Tony (besides getting wet)?

Well, it seems that Roy is playing two distinct roles. First, through sheer coincidence and luck, Roy happened to be by Tony's bedside in the ICU when Tone decided to make a deathbed confession.This puts Roy in the position of confessor, reluctantly hearing Tony admit that he killed Liam.

Second, it seems that Roy then took it upon himself to play the role of Tony's conscience (it's a tough job but someone's got to do it - ed). That unenviable task seems to involve ringing Maria's doorbell every five minutes, sitting on the Maxine Peacock memorial bench, standing outside in the rain at night (couldn't he at least use an umbrella? - ed) and yelling at Anna Windass (well at least there are some perks! - ed).


So far, so good but one thing puzzles me.I understand Roy's actions, but why is Tony reacting this way? Since when does he listen to his conscience (since his conscience has a manwife? - ed). Why has Tony has given Roy so much latitude and allowed himself to be terrorized by the Spectre of the Anorak™.  It doesn't really fit with TG's mcmodus operandi. Why wouldn't Mr. Gordon just look up Jimmy's number and give Jimster a dingle on the cellphone? Bingo bango and before you can say 'Weatherfield Historical Society', Cropper comes a cropper... if you know what I mean. Distasteful? Yes, but distasteful is what Tony does best.

Oh, and, a message to Joe McIntyre: SELL THE DAMN BOAT! (Sorry, I just had to get it out of my system)

I killed Liam

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 23 episode on CBC

"Helloo Royston Cropper! I'm so glad you could come visit me in the hospital after my braveheart attack. Maria, my love, could you move over and let this wonderful man in an anorak sit down at my bedside so I can have a wee chat. In fact, Maria my sweetmeat, I'm a tad peckish. Could you possibly pop out and get me and Roy something tasty to eat. I'd love a little home cooking. An Egg McMuffin, you say? Sounds delish and just what the doctor ordered. Bye, my love!

Good, we're alone, just you: Roy and me: Tony. Let's talk freely like two old chums. By the way, how's your lovely manwife? Guid? Guid. Well, enough small talk. Look, Roy, when I said 'I killed Liam', you must realize that I was talking metaphorically. After all, in some or another, didn't we all kill Liam? Aren't we all in some way responsible for the well being of our fellow man? After all, as they say, ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

Or, perhaps I was talking about my comedy routine. You see I do this very funny Scottish joke about a rabbi, a haggis and a single malt. When Liam heard this, he couldn't stop laughing so, in a sense, I 'killed' Liam with my very funny stand-up routine.

I think that clears up any misunderstanding and, just to show my heart's in the right place (i.e. my bare chest), let me write you a big fat cheque for your favourite charity: Bats Unlimited. Shall we say £5,000? No. let's make it £10,000 and I'll throw in a box of knickers from Underworld. I'm glad we could have this little chat, aren't you?"

Heart to heart

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 18 episode on CBC

This is the first I've heard about Tony's dodgy heart but, at any rate, due to the most unusual circumstances, ol Tone finds himself in the ICU of Weatherfield General with the one and only Roy Cropper at his bedside providing 'comfort' as only Roy knows how. What will transpire between these two mighty men? We can only guess, but I think it could go something like this:

Tony: I have a confession to make

Roy: You're attracted to Hayley?

Tony: No, man, it's not about your lovely manwife. I did something very bad.

Roy: I know. You jeopardized the well being of some endangered bats.A species which could have suffered irreparable damage if their delicate ecosystem had been destroyed by urbanization.


Tony: Och, no, man not the bloody bats. Something worse

Roy: Ah yes, the manufacture and sales of sub-standard undergarments at exorbitant prices. Hayley, my manwife, has described in great detail the multiple shortcomings of this moribund enterprise which I believe is neither ISO 9000 nor indeed ISO 14000 certified...

Tony: No, man, not that. For guidness sake, stop your twittering and listen. There was this speeding car and.....

Roy: Ah yes, say no more. I'm well aware of the deleterious carbon emissions of your current motorized vehicle. You no doubt regret not purchasing a more environmentally responsible conveyance, perhaps a Prius or some other hybrid automobile. 

Tony: Oh Guid God! Go get Janice Battersby...
 

how swede it is

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 8/9 episode on CBC

Well, the astonishing news hasn't quite sunk in but, as viewers know by now, Hayley Cropper went to Africa, helped build a school -- and fell in love with a Swede (Holy Sensible Volvo! - ed). Of course, she is now able to put all this in perspective. Far from being a charismatic love-god, the object of her affection (code name: Olaf) was described by Hales herself as a "rather ridiculous man with a guitar and Swedish folk songs whom we all treated as some kind of saint". Roy, in his infinite wisdom, takes this all in stride. "I'm sure there's a Swedish folk song which says 'you don't throw out the person you love'," he says gallantly.

No, but we can write one. Or, at least, change the words to a famous Swedish 'folk' song to suit the occasion. Let's see... how about 'Mamma Mia'? Cue the music and everyone sing along (except Pierce Brosnan - ed). With apologies to ABBA, here goes:

(to the tune of 'Mamma Mia')

I went to Africa just to build a new school
I fell for a cool Swede, now I feel like a fool
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don't even want to go back to Underworld
Or skive with the factory girls
Just one look and I can hear a guitar
One more look at Olaf under the stars, w-o-o-o-oh

Hayley Cropper, there you go again
My my, how could you forget Roy?
Hayley Cropper, and it shows again
My my, Olaf's just a boy toy
Yes, you've been rather silly
He had it off with Tilly
Why, why did you ever leave the caf?
Hayley Cropper, please don't make me laff
Roy, Roy. so much better than Olaf


(Yes, I know, I know -- don't quit your day job)

***

shots from the hip... another day, another entry in the BPH quiz with all correct answers.. congratulations and thanks for the comments...

gotcha!

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 22 episode on CBC

The prime suspects:

Royston Cropper - known simply as 'Roy' to friends and foes alike. An eccentric, criminal mastermind and the brains of the operation, brilliantly throwing police off his trail for years by consistently operating what appears to be a legitimate backstreet cafe in the premises of a legitimate backstreet cafe. Oh sure, he's kept his nose clean. No prior convictions or run-ins with the law - with the possible exception of a late VAT payment (which was not his fault but rather a late post office delivery).

Kenneth Barlow - known simply as 'grandad' within the criminal fraternity. This pernicious pensioner may be a little long in the tooth but that's just what he wants you to think. Barlow serves as Cropper's right-hand man and minder. Don't cross him. His henchmen include a plumber with a love for historic castles ('Jolly Roger') and a shadowy thug known only as "Blanche" who punishes her enemies with a combination of biting sarcasm and snide remarks.


The crime:

Trying to return a cellular phone to a couple of miscreants. A typical opening gambit by Messrs. Cropper and Barlow. They're not interested in blow or crack. Etiquette is their game. Their modus operandi is to start small, eventually getting their victims hooked on good manners and even saying 'please' and 'thank you'. The sick bastards.


The evidence:

Cropper's legendary briefcase is the proverbial smoking gun. It contains a wealth of incriminating evidence: minutes from a Weatherfield Historical Society meeting, a valid library card, two lemon slices and a guide to trainspotting in the Greater Manchester area.

Book 'em, Dano