Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the compromising photo edition

please note: this post makes reference to the April 26 episode on CBC

What courtroom drama! I haven't seen such theatrics in a legal setting since, well, Gail Platt was sent down for murder (not that long ago actually - ed). Actually I find both barristers to be a bit, how you say, flamboyant. But that's nothing compared to the drama going on outside the courtroom where Frank Vole Foster (his full name, I believe -ed) has plans to reveal the compromising snaps of Peter's tattoos doing the love mambo with Carla.

Meanwhile, inside the courtroom, Leanne is getting more and more antsy about the line of questioning regarding Carla's relationship with the ancient (sub)mariner. As a famous philosopher once said, (Stephen Fry, I think), it's only a matter of time before it all kicks off.

So, on to some of the tasty gems from the week:

Tracy is bummed and searches for alcohol in the Barlow home:
"I just want something to render me unconscious"
(Try calling Claire Peacock, she was able to oblige the last time)


Ken commiserates with Steve:  
"I lost the woman I love... more than once"
(Ken's a one-woman - at a time - man)


Kylie is irritated by criticism of Max's unhealthy lunches:
"I blame Jamie Oliver"
(Just wait till he tries a hotpot!)


Deirdre is getting aggro from Ken and Tracy:
"I'm back in the doghouse"
(Move over Eccles, you've got a roommate)


Mary is perplexed by Sylvia's scientific approach to measuring applause:
"What's a clapometer?"
(believe me, you don't want to know)


Peter confesses to Carla that his carousing days are over:
"I'm too old for clubbing"
(I think Leanne will beg to differ when she comes at him with a two-by-four)  


Norris tells Mary not to waste time flirting with Marcus:
"Don't get your hopes up, he's on the wrong bus"
(yes, but at least he's on a bus, not standing on the platform)


Tracy tries to make up with Steve by cooking Indian food:
"Have a papadum"
(It'll take more than a papadum to convince this dumb papa)


Carla's lawyer summarizes Frank Foster for the jury:
"He is a cold, calculating sexual predator"
(and those are his good points)


The judge is concerned about Carla on the witness stand:
"Would you like a glass of water?"
(only if there's some Scotch in it)

***

Well, faithful lovers of Coronation Street, that's it for another week. We go from the dramatic reveal of Tracy's lies to the courtroom drama and Frank Foster's lies. What lies ahead? Anger, tears, argy bargy, more tunes on the uke-banjo and the language of Milton (not that Milton, the one who's courting Sylvia). Bye for now. Thanks so much for stopping by and have a great weekend.

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

27

 

I did a double take when I saw Napoleon Solo

please note: this post makes reference to the April 25 episode on CBC

Robert Vaughan in the Rovers?  The Man From Uncle is now the Man from Uncle, Milton? Oh my maiden aunt!

Yes, it looks like Sylvia Cropper's 'Man on Skype' is quite a dashing silver American fox. And he knows how to make an entrance too. Waltzed right into the Rovers and sang harmony on 'Ain't she sweet' as a happy Sylvia strummed her uke-banjo (by the way, did you know there was also a flute-banjo-ukulele hybrid instrument: It's called the Fluke-Banjo. Hello? Is this thing on?)

But I digress. Before you can say 'Yankee go home', Milton is buying the punters a drink, getting along swimmingly with Sylvia's son, Carl (until Roy shatters the illusion) and hankering for some five star dining at 'Chez les Rolls de Roy' (looks like Roy will have to shatter another illusion).

I know what you're thinking. Like every new man on the street, Milton must be too good to be true. He must be a scam artist, a flim flam man or a gigolo (only one way to test: put him in a room with Deirdre and see if they wind up in a lip lock - ed). You know, the type who loves 'em, fleeces 'em and leaves 'em. Well, I for one, am an eternal optimist. I prefer to believe that the Milton won't do a runner. I refuse to believe that the 'Man from Uncle' will turn into 'Oh Brother where art thou?'

Am I naive or just crazy?

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

26

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the downladen edition

please note: this post makes reference to the April 19 episode on CBC

Well, slowly but surely, I'm getting back into the swing of things.  I must say it's been a while since we had a wedding on Coronation Street. So it's very nice that ol' Steve is getting hitched to the bride of Satan Tracy. Too bad Peter can't fulfill his best man duties due to a legover with Carla an unfortunate auto breakdown. Still, the show must go on and, whom God has joined. let no man or electronic health record put asunder (at least not until the reception at the Rovers - ed). On to a few tasty nuggets from the past week:

Tracy declines Steve's offer to carry her over the threshold of their new house:
"I can think of a million better ways to throw your back out"
(leaning down to pick up divorce papers?)


Kylie tries to convince Gail to help access Tracy's health records:
"We wont grass you up"
(that's very reassuring)


Notice on the window of the Rovers:
"Private function"
(but let's hope the argy bargy is public)


Sylvia wants Sophie to explain Internet-based phone service:
"What exactly is Spike?"
(It's like Skype only spelled with different letters)


Becky can't believe Steve is fooled by Tracy's story:
"You are so brainwashed"
(must be that haircut of his)


Sylvia triumphantly proclaims her low cost, hi tech way of talking to Milton:
"I have downladen Skype"
(taketh that Royston Cropper, forsooth she is surfing yon Internet)


Becky explains to Kylie why she is waiting to reveal Tracy's lies:
"Revenge is going to be so much sweeter once he's chained to that cow"
(so I'm guessing you won't be catching the bride's bouquet?)

***

Well, fellow lovers of Corrie, that's it for another week on the street. I must confess that I used to find one hour of Corrie a little long (at times) but now I find that 30 minutes is too short. There's no pleasing some people. Have a great weekend and I will return next week. Cheers!

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

21

Gail Platt: electronic health records consultant

please note: this post makes reference to the April 18 episode on CBC

A very kind reader was wondering why I had not posted for so many days. In fact, I have been preoccupied with family matters (he's actually telling the truth - ed) and away from my command post at Corrie Central in the heart of Montreal's quaint pothole district. I apologize for the prolonged absence. But, on the bright side, I did tune in last night to discover some unsettling facts:

1. We're back to 30 minutes per night, a 50% reduction in Corrie content from what we were used to. Is this because of the playoffs or are cuts to the CBC more serious than we thought? I'll get my crack team of investigators on the case pronto and find out.

2. It looks like Gail Platt has found herself a new job. She should put down that mop and pail, stop cleaning the lav at Nick's Bistro and become an electronic health records consultant. She could make a fortune helping health authorities around the world optimize the deployment of electronic health records and she could utilize her training experience to assist health care professionals.

Just look at how quickly she was able to train Becky Granger on the system down at the clinic. Before you can say "violating patient confidentiality",  Becky was able to:
- use Dr. Carter's computer system (BTW, any screen savers of the doc in Speedos rowing his way across the canal?)
- pull up a file on the screen
- assess the information 
- print out the file
and use the electronic data to assure the efficient, safe and timely health outcome of a patient
and get the goods on that evil cow, Tracy Barlow.

Talk about a skill set!  If you need to snoop on your son's girl friend or exact revenge on the evil slag who tried to stitch you up in jail, look no further than Gail Platt, Electronic Health Records expert. Call 1-800-REVENGE and learn how to get EHRs working for you!

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

20

Tony Gordon It's Good Friday: the banjo uke edition

please note: this post makes reference to the April 5 episode on CBC

By my calculations, Sophie and Sian's crying and weeping lasted 33 minutes on Thursday night. I haven't seen so much salty liquid since Jack and Vera took a vacation by the sea in Blackpool. Thank goodness for diversions like Sylvia's banjo uke. It may not be the most riveting story but it sure beats the endless wailing, weeping and gnashing of teeth because Amber kissed Sophie. So here's a little TGIF (Tony Gordon It's Friday) where we look back at some of the week's memorable lines.

Roy tells Steve a home truth about his decision not to believe Becky:
"You're a fool"
(better write that down Steve)


Sylvia reminisces about nights on the cruise with her male friend, Milton:
"Out would come his uke banjo"
(I hope that's not a euphemism)


Gail gives her assessment after she views a flat with Eva and Nick:
"I could sense death in that toilet"
(try flushing)


Mary is not at all disappointed that Norris' piano skills are limited to 'Three Blind Mice':
"I love songs about disabled rodents"
 (you might also like Def Leppard)


Sally tells Kevin that the wedding debacle requires a change of plan:
"Better cancel plans for the wake, I mean reception"
(same thing in this case)


Carla comes up with a catch phrase for Frank:

"The respectable rapist"
(that what it says on his business cards)

Kirk outlines his New Year's resolution:

"Eat less white bread"
(Kirk is changing his life, one slice at a time)


Eileen's new work colleague shares a secret:
"I'm a slave to my irritable bowel"
(thanks for sharing)

***

Well, that's it for another week. Look on the bright side. The endless, piercing cries of "Sophie!" and "Sian!" are over for the time being and we can move on to stories that are a little more interesting. Plus let's see how long Peter can keep up his two-women-at-once act. After all, his bigamy skills are a little rusty. The poor guy must be exhausted.  

I hope you have a wonderful weekend and, if you're watching the Sunday omnibus edition, you can take a shower or a walk during the post-wedding debacle of Sophie and Sian (not much happens for about 30 minutes or so). I'll be back next week so meet me here for more of the Hip. Cheers!

 

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

8

Another wedding interruptus on Coronation Street

please note: this post makes reference to the April 3 episode on CBC

It's become something of a special Coronation Street event. A weird variation on the traditional wedding ceremony. In Latin, you might call it Nuptia Interruptus or the interrupted wedding. That's when the stage is set for a lovely marriage ceremony, usually in a nice church (or a registry office) and then something goes wrong and the wedding is off.

That certainly sums up the shambolic church scene last night when Sophie couldn't bring herself to read the vows she wrote for Sian (thank goodness for small mercies -ed) while assorted members of the congregation popped up like well-dressed gophers adding their two cents to the proceedings. The net result? The wedding is off (I think). Another setback for the Born Again Lesbian Christian Organization of Northern Youth (BALCONY).

But cheer up Soph & Sian. It's not the first Wedding Interruptus. There have been many. Just off the top of my head, there was Peter's faux wedding with Leanne where ol' Pete used the pulpit to 'out' Leanne and Nick's legover. (Classy move - ed).  There was Steve and Becky's first attempt at marrying in the registry office thwarted by the fact that Becky had had a skinful (some things don't change -ed). Other examples? How about Jason doing a runner when he was supposed to be marrying Sarah Louise. Even Dennis Tanner managed to wriggle out of a wedding (unlike Becky, he wasn't legless just homeless).

One of the best wedding interruptus (interrupti? -ed) was the wedding of Mavis (Rita's former shop assistant) and Derek (former sales colleague of Norris). In that case, neither of them showed up for the wedding.

***

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

7

Au Revoir Jim Macdonald, Andy Macdonald, Ashley Peacock & Claire Peacock

please note: this post makes reference to the April 2 episode on CBC

Corrie-wise, it's more of the same. Steve's a plank. Nick's a commitmentphobe. Becky's on the skids. Tracy's evil. Sylvia's back. Peter's doing the two-women-at-once thing (again? - ed). The only news here is Sylvia's creamed spinach with parmesan. Sounds yummy.

But let's divert our attention from the Street for one day to say a fond farewell to the fab four, otherwise known as: Jim Macdonald, Andy Macdonald, Claire & Ashley Peacock who are scheduled to make their final appearance tonight in Niagara Falls at the Greg Frewin Theatre. The show is called "Tales From the Street" and believe me when I say these four Corrie stalwarts have had one heck of cross-Canada tour.

I counted 23 shows in 21 cities scheduled over some three weeks from Edmonton to Montreal. Last weekend alone, they were in Sarnia, Lindsay and Mississauga. Now, unless Jim decides to go over the falls in a barrel or Ashley opens a butcher's shop in Buffalo, they're scheduled to leave Canada so Claire can resume her secret life in France hiding from authorities (because she hammered Tracy), Andy will get back to bartending duties in Spain and Jim will resume residence in the Big House (so he will).

As for Ashley, well he will no doubt go to the place that all Corrie stars go when they are written out of the show (Downton Abbey? - ed). No, not that place, the other place (Canada? - ed). Never mind, let's just say a fond farewell to the fabulous four and, if you have any anecdotes, stories or recollections from attending "Tales from the Street" in your city, why not post them in the comments section and, if I get a few, I'll put them all in a future post.

Till then, it's au revoir (so it is)

***

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

6