Top 10 Sally Webster interrogation techniques

please note this post makes reference to the Jan 30 episode on CBC

Just in case MI6 or the CIA or Rob Connor ever need any advice on how to extract top secret information from the velcro lips of super-discreet Sally "Bourne Identity" Webster, here's a handy list of enhanced interrogation techniques - not all of them sanctioned by the Geneva Convention. (Warning: some of these techniques are disturbing. Reader discretion is advised):

1. Saying "Hello"
2. A small white wine
3. A quizzical look
4. Any topic of conversation including any reference to any animal, mineral or vegetable
5. Shared dislike of John Stape
6. Comfortable furniture
7. The company of a handsome male
8. The company a male who is not handsome but appears interested
9. Saying: "tell me everything you know"... and then regretting it.
10. Asking if she'd unintentionally like to destroy Underworld and get up Carla's nose

Isla Sunita

please note this post makes reference to the Jan 29 episode on CBC

They say that no man is an island (although people often say your body shape resembles a peninsula - ed). However, it seems that Sunita Alahan has become, as Madonna might say, 'La Isla Sunita', isolated and alone and a victim of her own strange desires.

How did it all happen? How did she wind up with no self respect and, worse, with Karl?

As you may recall, Sunita re-appeared a while back, living in the lovely house (which Dev had bought just before they split up). Sunita was in fine form with the kids and in a relationship with the handsome Matt (a business associate of Dev's).

That was the Sunita we all knew and loved: confident, assertive and independent.

Of course, all that was BK (Before Karl). Sunita broke up with Matt and decided to get back together with Dev (long story) and inexplicably moved from that nice spacious house into a grotty, micro home on Coronation Street.That's when things started to go wrong. Dev, being Dev, was overbearing and loutish and, at times, an ass. Suinta wanted to escape his boorish, oppressive regime and achieved that by getting a job at the Rover's and showing her cleavage to the punters.

Then Came Karl. It was a bit of fun and excitement for Sunita but then it all went wrong and before you could say 'mega skiver', Karl showed himself to be an alcohol-soaked waste of space. Sunita finally gave Karl the heave ho but not before a lot of humiliation, shame and tears. Where does she go from here?

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the finally married again edition

please note this post makes reference to January 24 episode on CBC

I don't want to be the harbinger of doom™ but if David Platt finds out that someone is trying to convince his girlfriend to get an abortion... again, he's going to go on a mega nutbar rampage.

Remember when Gail (aka Mommie Dearest) helped Tina get an abortion?  Now just imagine what will happen if Nick 'facilitates' a similar outcome for Kylie. Yikes. Better not to think about it and instead reflect on the glory of the week that was in our weekly tribute to memorable lines, Tony Gordon It's Friday:


Gail explains to Lewis why she's so protective of her kids:
"I'm like a lioness"

(more like a hamster with attitude)

Gail doesn't know what she'd do without Lewis:
"You're the sunshine shining through my rain"

(prepare for a solar eclipse when Lewis does a runner)

Gail is touched by Lewis' deep interest in her:
"Most men aren't interested in a woman's foundation"

(depends on the woman... and the foundation)

Stella is not impressed by Karl's compliments about her fine toast::
"You took my toast for granted"
(But he appreciated your buns)

Gail is shocked by news of the Nick/Leanne wedding sequel:

"It's madness, lunacy"

(just wait till the honeymoon is over)

Lewis confesses his lack of culinary ability to Mary

"I'm like an ornamental dart board"

(yes, you should be hung on a wall and pierced with many sharp objects)


Rita tries to share some nice sentiments about David to Kylie:

"I know he's been a toe rag most of his life"

(please stop with the gushing compliments)

Nick wants Mary to cue the wedding dance music pronto:
"Is Frankie Valli handy?"

(Yes, I think he once did some bathroom tile grouting)


Mary doesn't want Roy to leave after a culinary dispute:
"We mustn't let a French tart come between us"

(or a Belgian lap dancer, for that matter)


Karl tells Sunita that he still wants Stella:
"I'd rather be hated by her than loved by you"

(that's pretty well what you've accomplished actually)


Sign hanging from the back of Nick and Leanne's departing car:
"Finally married again"

(but for how long?)

***

Well, comrades in Corrie, that's it for another week. The Platt family is still in turmoil. Sophie is still gay. Lloyd is still wearing that damn cap. Kev is still being a Kev. Karl and Sunita are on the rocks. Rob is trying to undermine Underworld (hmm, catchy idea for the name of his new business).We can only wait and see what happens next week. Till then, stay warm and enjoy the omnibus. Meet me back here next week and as always, thanks very much for stopping by. 

Congratulations! It's a Platt!

please note: this post makes reference to the Jan 23 episode on CBC

So Kylie's pregnant. So she doesn't know who the dad is. Could be David, Could be Nicky (I'm surprised Lewis isn't in the running - ed). We simply don't know since Kylie had it off with both of them.

Odd though, don't you think?  Kylie took such care to be on the pill when fending off David's procreative urges. And yet, when she was playing Platt legover roulette and really needed protection, she's suddenly off the pill.

Anyway, as they say, who's your daddy? Sure, Kylie doesn't exactly know who it is, but why so sad?  Let's look on the bright side. Number one: we know it's a Platt. Number two: we know that Gail is the grandmother. Audrey is the great grandmother and (the way things are going) Lewis could wind up being the grandfather (please, not before lunch -ed).

One way or another we'll know soon enough.

If it's Nick's we'll know by some easy tell-tale signs like the little sprog's ears. If they resemble the semaphore-type turn indicators of a 1951 Morris Minor, it's Nick's baby.

If it's David's, we'll also be able to tell primarily by early behavioural signs. If the little sprog tries to wheel his stroller into the canal for no apparent reason, we'll know it's David's baby.

Only time will tell.

In praise of Craig Tinker

please note: this post makes reference to the January 22 episode

I'm told that January 21 is the most depressing day of the year and based on what's happening with Lewis and Gail, not to mention Nick and Leanne (don't forget Sunita and Karl - ed), I'm inclined to agree.

In short, Nick's a mama's boy. Gail's off her nut and Karl is a waste of space (that's an insult to space -ed).

So, instead, let's turn our attention to Craig.  Let me be plain (already done -ed): I like Craig. I like everything about him: his pet rat, his relationship with Kirk (a team of equals - ed) and his entrepreneurial spirit.  Most of all, I like Craig because he comes from the same circumstances which have produced some excellent characters on the Street - like Tyrone and Chesney.

As you may recall, Tyrone was first introduced to us as the offspring of one Jackie Dobbs (ex con, skiver and semi-legal opportunist). Ty endured her lies, cheating, unsavoury boyfriends and neglect to become a stand-up kind of guy with great qualities.

Then there's Chesney. Same story. The son of Cilla (forerunner of Beth) who basically had to fend for himself along with his sister, Fiz. But despite the challenges, Chesney turned out just fine and is now a hard worker, a good husband and a dad.

Now, along comes Craig. Same story. Son of Beth Tinker. Beth's a bit of a skiver and usually on the prowl for a bevy and a fella (will Kirk do? - ed). Oh sure, she may be a cut above Cilla and Jackie, but Craig is left mostly to fend for himself and so far, he (and his pet rat) seem to be doing just fine. I'm looking forward to see him become one of my favourite characters.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: The Frisson edition

please note this post makes reference to the Jan 17 episode on CBC

If 'frisson' is French for 'makes my skin crawl', then I agree with Gail. Her romance with the gigoloesque Lewis Archer definitely gives me a frisson. In the meantime, it's time to do that thing we try to do every week: TGIF or Tony Gordon It's Friday, our regular homage to some of the week's memorable lines. Off we go:


Julie is turned on by Brian's kilt, worn in honour of New Year's at the Rovers:
"I find it incredibly sexy"

(even more so if he had shaved his legs or polished his sporran)


Carla discovers Rob's devious scheme to buy Underworld at a cheap price:
"You're fired"

(but it's nothing personal, bro)

Mary is fussing over details for the Bistro's Mexican theme night:
"Has the pinata arrived?"

(Hey, that's no way to talk about Kirk)

Gail complains about Leanne to Lewis:
"500 years ago, she would have been drowned as a witch"

(I'll check with Ken but believe that was in fact the story line for episode one of Coronation Street) 

Lewis confesses to Gail:

"I've developed feelings for you"

(I've developed nausea)

Mary is still fretting about the theme night at the Bistro:

"I want this Mexican night to be a triumph"

(yes, but remember the Alamo)


Mary is upset at Nick's lack of support:
"I'm not happy with you vetoing my pinata"

(no comment)


Nick snaps at Gail's constant interference:
"Who are you to give relationship advice, the succession of freaks and nutters you've had in your bed over the years"

(hey, it's cheaper than buying a hot water bottle) 

Nick is sorry to lose Lewis as an employee:
"Men like him don't grow on trees"

(Nick hasn't yet twigged. Wait till he finds out that Lewis has branched out to his mom)


Gail agrees with Lewis that secrecy is the best course for their budding romance

"Don't want to kill this before it begins"

(like a virus or a horrible evil organism)


Lewis thinks secrecy will add to the thrill of the tryst:
"A bit of cloak and dagger might add a little extra frisson"

(if by frisson, you mean stomach-churning sickness, then I agree)

***

Well, dear lovers of Corrie, that's it for this week. Like a car accident on the highway, I can't bear to look at the Gail/Lewis affair and yet I can't look away. Have a great weekend, enjoy the omnibus and I'll meet you back here next week for more Hip. Cheers!

Lewis Archer: Super Cad

please note this post makes reference to the January 16 episode on CBC

I say! Lewis Archer! What the devil do you think you're playing at, you bounder! I confess fellow fans, that I almost choked on my chocolate digestive when I witnessed the horrific scene of Lewis doing a lip lock with the love-starved Gail Platt.

I honestly don't know where to start. I know Gail doesn't exactly have discriminating taste in men (a pulse is optional - ed) but really! Doing the dirty with your mom's ex? That really takes the cake.

And Lewis. Yes I know he's a male gigolo with a penchant for Pinot and Cinema noir, but has he no scruples? Is he planning to sleep with every member of the Platt family? (David's next - ed) How long will this legover-oriented revenge scenario play out?

And the worst part is it really didn't take much to seduce Gail. Oh sure, Lewis pulled a few fake sincere chestnuts out of his arsenal of sensitive one-liners. But it seems to me, he could have had it off with Mrs. Platt using even cheesier material like:

"Gail, if I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

or

"I wish my name was 'T' or 'V' because then I would be next to 'U' "

or

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by the bistro again?"

or even,

"Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!"

(Well, maybe not the last one, but you get the idea)

   

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the physio groper edition

please note: this post makes reference to the January 10 episode on CBC

Well, Christmas is over and everyone on the street is getting back to normal - sort of. Kev tried it on with Sophie's physiotherapist, Kylie tried to leave Weatherfield and Tyrone is trying to deceive Kirsty. I think it will all end in tears (Ty's unfortunately). Honestly, what are Ty and Fiz playing at? An extra cellphone, with photos, text messages, secret meetings in Tina's flat. Why don't they take out an ad or hire a sky writer? Kirsty will go off her head when she finds out. In the meantime, let's get to the first TGIF of 2013 where we seek out some of the week's memorable lines:


Kylie describes David after his terrible behavior:
"The boy who should have been drowned at birth"

(funny, that's what they wrote in his high school year book)


Audrey can't stand Gail's niceness towards Lewis:
"You know she was a spaniel in a former life"

(well, that explains the hairstyle)

Carla tells Leanne that she's wasting her time professing love for Peter:

"I'm afraid that ship sailed, love"

(Yes, and it's called the Titanic)

Sally is aghast at Kevin's lecherous behavior towards Jenna:

"I thought you had the evil eye for her"

(he just needed a therapeutic massage)

David's promise to Kylie
"I'm going to work twice as hard to make you happy"

(which means that everyone will be half as miserable)


Sophie remonstrates Kev for his bad behaviour:
"You've tried it on with my physio who now thinks you're a perv"

(maybe he injured himself trying to get a legover?)

***

Thanks to all the faithful readers for their nice comments. You are the wind beneath my wings... or at least the hotpot beneath my fork. Enjoy the weekend and the omnibus episodes. Thanks for stopping by and see you next week here at the Hip. Cheers!

Psycho David Platt? Qu'est-ce que c'est?

please note: this post makes reference to the January 8 episode on CBC

Well, it looks like on Coronation Street, the more things change, the more they stay the same (you mean those hotpots from 1957 that they're still serving at the Rovers? - ed).

I mean, (to paraphrase John Lennon) it's Christmas and what have they done?

Another Bessie Street nativity play ruined by a 'domestic' in the third row (last year it was a drunk Peter Barlow, this year it was a sober Peter Barlow). Maybe next year, Mr. Packham should consider a school production of Les Miz - since it has a happier ending than most of the nativity plays.

Then there's Leanne's wedding. As I recall, her last Church appearance (at least I think it was) in wedding garb was simply at opportunity for Peter Barlow to stand up at the altar and publicly call her a 'slapper' because he found out she was having it off with Nick (hence the name 'bully pulpit' - ed).

Now here we are again at church. Same cast of characters but different roles. This time it's Nick who calls it off because Leanne secretly wants to have it off with Peter - newly returned from LA with a goatee, a smooth late night FM DJ voice and, apparently, Californication on his mind (you mean the TV show, right? - ed)

But the real story here is Nick's budding 'friendship' with the suddenly coiffed and cultured Kylie. Oh, did I mention that they ended up in Nick's honeymoon suite (please! I'm trying to eat lunch here - ed) sipping expensive champagne (premium Chateau Babycham I assume? - ed).

Oh yeah, that's going to end well. Just wait till David Platt finds out. Yeah, the same fella that drove his car into the canal, gave drugs to a child and pushed mom down the stairs (hint to Gail:  get a bungalow - ed). I wouldn't be surprised to see David go completely mental and that means Corrie's psycho will be back - with a vengeance.

***

Thanks for the nice comments about the 12 Days of Corrie Christmas. Much appreciated and, on behalf of the whole crew here, I'd like to wish you all the very best for 2013 with lots of great Corrie episodes and one liners.  

On the Twelfth Day of Corrie Christmas

On the Twelfth Day of Corrie Christmas, my true love gave to me...

...12 Original Episodes

According to the website TV.com, Coronation Street was initially commissioned for only 12 episodes. As many of you know, the first episode of Coronation Street was broadcast in 1960. The show struck a chord with viewers and has been running ever since. According to coronationstreet.wikia.com, "since 9th December 1960, up to and including the episode transmitted on 12th December 2012, there have been 8015 episodes of Coronation Street..."

You can find out more at: http://coronationstreet.wikia.com/wiki/Coronation_Street_episodes

Phew! So there you have the 12 Days of Corrie Christmas. 

On the Eleventh Day of Corrie Christmas

On the Eleventh Day of Corrie Christmas, my true love gave to me...

... Eleven Days of Marriage

You may remember dear Fred Elliot the butcher (and father of Ashley Peacock). Fred was, as the saying goes, unlucky in cards and unlucky in love. A case in point: Fred and his new bride (Maureen Elliott) get marrried. It is a triumph of love. Fred has finally convinced an eligible woman to be his wife... until maureen promptly does a runner with Bill Webster (Kevin's Dad) and they run away to Germany (achtung baby!).  The marriage to poor Fred lasted only eleven days.

You can find out more about Maureen at http://coronationstreet.wikia.com/wiki/Maureen_Webster

Tomorrow: On the Twelfth Day of Christmas

On the Tenth Day of Corrie Christmas

On the tenth Day of Corrie Christmas, my true love gave to me...

...Ten Shows with Mel Hutchwright

'Marvelous' Mel Hutchwright appeared on Coronation Street several years ago as a working class novelist, famous for his gritty book, 'Hard Grinding'. Played by the incomparable Sir Ian McKellen, Mr. Hutchwright captivated the likes of Emily and Blanche and many others with his deep thoughts and literary pedigree. He also conned everyone and turned out to be a gigantic sham. The hilarious story played out over 10 unforgettable episodes in 2005. So much for Hard Grinding...

You can find out more about Mel Hutchwright at:
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mel_Hutchwright)

Tomorrow: On the Eleventh Day of Christmas

On the Ninth Day of Corrie Christmas

On the Ninth Day of Corrie Christmas, my true love gave to me...

... Nine months of stroppy surrogacy

Yes, that's right, my fellow Corrie watchers. We will have to endure nine excruciating months of Tina McIntyre's long and stroppy surrogacy as Gary, Izzy, Owen, Anna and a cast of thousands watch anxiously, awaiting the birth of a new Windass.

It's going to be all gestation, anticipation, frustration and aggravation (I'm talking about me) for nine long months. I'm not anti-natal, but I'm not sure I can take it. Call the midwife because this is going to be one long story line.

Tomorrow: On the Tenth Day of Corrie

On the Eighth Day of Corrie Christmas

On the Eighth day of Corrie Christmas, my true love gave to me...

...Eight jobs for Kenneth

Ken Barlow's work experience has spanned many careers (let's just say he would need a very large LinkedIn page). By my count, Ken has dabbled in eight jobs over the years: teacher, personnel officer, sales executive, community development officer, taxi driver, journalist, supermarket trolley collector and, most recently, Chairman of the Bessie Street School Board of Governors. Of course, that pales in comparision to Ken's 'extra-curricular' activities, (if you know what I mean). According to Corrie.net, he's had over 20 lovers.

You can find out more about the legend of Ken Barlow at http://www.corrie.net/start/who.html

Tomorrow: On the Ninth Day of Corrie Christmas