The 10-point plan

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 29 episode on CBC

The irrepressible, neanderthalesque Tom called it a "ten point plan for oblivion". He was talking about Tony's stag 'do' and, as it gets underway at Roy's Rolls, it has all the earmarks of a wild and crazy day. (In sharp contrast, you can hear the crickets above the stony silence at Carla's hen party). Tony's bachelor festival is brimming with close, personal acquaintances on the Street (I had no idea that Ryan and Tony were such mates) But strangely no family members or actual friends are at the event. Hmm. No matter, the ten-point plan has been launched and I imagine it goes something like this:

1. Put on Tony Gordon masks and t-shirts

2. Take turns ringing Kevin's doorbell and pretending to be Tony. (Lloyd, Dev & Tom accidentally get punched in the face)

3. Breakfast at Roy's Rolls then everyone goes over to the factory, wearing the masks, and takes turns telling Janice she's fired. (Ryan, Jason & Tom accidentally get punched in the face)

4. More ale & champagne

5. Pouting contest (Liam's idea). Whoever sulks the longest wins. Liam wins. To celebrate his victory, he sulks some more. No-one can figure out when the contest is over. (Tom accidentally gets punched in the face)

6. More ale

7. Paintballing. The group divides into two teams: 'Tony's Tigers' & 'Liam's Layabouts'

8. More ale

9. Kirk is rushed to the hospital as paramedics wonder how anyone can accidentally shoot themselves in the back of the head - with their own paintball gun - while wearing a Tony Gordon mask.

10. Tony and Liam challenge each other to a paintball duel. First person to put primer and a satin finish latex on the other, wins.

***

shots from the hip.... thanks for the encouraging comments. Much appreciated. Drop by tomorrow as I unveil a fake excerpt from Blanche's diary (since she's nowhere to be found on the street I have no choice but to imagine what she might think of current goings on). Cheers.

10 signs of trouble

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 17 episode on CBC

You know you're in trouble when:

...you accept advice about women and relationships in the Rovers

...you accept advice about women and relationships in the Rovers from Lloyd of Streetcars (aka 'Floyd' according to Nina)

...you refer to yourself as a "plaything" (Nice one, Dev. Who do you think you are? Fabio?)

...you leave your piggy bank unattended while Teresa is in your house

...you leave your medication unattended while Teresa is in your house

...you leave your house unattended while Teresa is in your house

...your only prospect for a long term relationship is David Platt

...your biggest decision of the day is whether to have "a biscuit or something buttered" (according to Ken Barlow)

...your career path leads you to Roy's Rolls (Ken again)

... your major challenge is finding a rhyme for the word 'everlasting' (Hey Vernon, how about 'nevergrafting'?)

A Minnie tribute & a maxi flirt

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 8 episode on CBC

Only the hardest of hearts would fail to be moved by the touching tribute to Minnie Caldwell on Friday's episode. Many longtime fans remember Minnie as one of the show's original and most endearing characters with a shy exterior, a heart of gold and the mettle to endure the company of acid-tongued Ena Sharples. You can find more info on these legendary characters at one of the more authoritative and reputable Corrie sites out there (not this one - ed).

Minnie makes a surprise 'appearance' when the old man who suffers a Tony Gordon-induced heart attack is in hospital recovering and perusing a few of his precious momentoes. One souvenir is a photo of our dear Minnie. It seems that the old man is Jed Stone, one of Minnie's lodgers back in the 1960s. It's a nice touch for veteran fans and serves to reinforce the fact that Tony is one bad dude.

Meanwhile, the puzzling combo of Prem and Nina continue to spend their valuable time dropping by the street for little or no reason. At Tony's smarmy champagne event to celebrate the opening of his swanky Victoria Court flats, there they are sipping flutes of sparkling 'Cuvee Rovers' while Rosie struts around in a full-length thong, pouting and serving guests. At Dev's 'signature store', the couple are forever popping in for a chat (doesn't Prem have a carpet and flooring empire to run?). I guess when you need some mints, you both have to jump into your Jaguar and head to an out-of-the-way backstreet corner store. But then, as the googly-eyed Nina, Queen of the Sexual Innuendo (TM) points out, "It wasn't the mints I wanted."

What's with that woman? She could make a breakfast order at Roy's Rolls sound like a line from Last Tango in Paris, "I'll have the full English, Roy... if you know what I mean."

Come to think of it, that would be a bit suggestive.

Tolstoy, Hutchwright & Barlow

Please note that this post makes reference to the May 25th episode on CBC.

Where better to start than with Ken Barlow, the last remaining original cast member and, it turns out, a budding author. The year was 1960. Nikita Khrushchev pounds his shoe at the United Nations. Elvis Presley returns home from Germany after military service. Hugh Grant is born and winks at the nurse in the delivery room. Meanwhile, young Ken was writing the Great British Novel... presumably in the Rovers.

How did that novel start? We can only guess. But I'm betting it went something like,
It was the best of pints, it was the worst of pints. Or maybe it was a more sensuous tome, How do I love Annie Walker, let me count the ways? Or perhaps it simply grabbed the reader's attention with a hearty Call me Kenneth .

Then again, maybe it was a murder mystery based on the unfortunate death of an interfering, crotchety mother-in-law at the hands of a beleaguered university-educated teacher reduced to scraping plates at Roy's Rolls. At this point, we can only speculate. And where has he been hiding this magnum opus all these years? (The attic) Will it be published? (Maybe in the Weatherfield Gazette). If we get really lucky, perhaps 'marvellous' Mel Hutchwright (author of 'Hard Grindings' and esteemed scam artist) will come back to Coronation Street and give Ken some valuable pointers -- in exchange for a small fee and a few drinks of course.