I love the smell of IKEA sofas in the evening

please note: this post makes reference to the March 13 episode on CBC

Poor Lloyd. It just gets worse and worse. First he loses his girlfriend. Then he loses contact with Russ. Now he loses his sofa. And, just to add accelerant to injury, he sets it on fire, in the middle of the street. (The only person who'll be happy about this is Eileen because it gives her a chance to call Paul the Fireman - ed).

I know what you're thinking. That's a nice piece of furniture (oh, and isn't it a shame that Chris hit his head). Sure is. The nicest sofa that money can buy from the Manchester Ikea and that can fit on the top of a Streetcars taxi.

If you're looking in the Ikea catalogue, I believe it's called a 'Wankeröost"
Key features:
- Easy to keep clean (or burn) with removable, flammable covers.
- Seat cushions filled with high resilience foam to provide comfortable support for Chris when he moves in
- Reversible back cushions filled with polyester fibers can be used as pillows for when you're sleeping there night after night because you fell out with Cheryl over Chris' brain tumour
- A range of coordinated covers makes it easy for the neighbours to see the sofa when you set it on fire in the Street.


You're welcome.


By the way, no word yet from the four Coronation Street stars who are visting Montreal on Thursday. My offer of an all-expenses paid, luxury, gourmet Montreal lunch of smoked meat or poutine still stands.
Please see Monday's post for all the details.

Lloyd's lamentable love life

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

Where to begin with Lloyd and his strange saga of loves lost?

Well, let's see. There was Kelly "Legs" Crabtree.  It was a fatal attraction. He was attracted to her legs. She was attracted to his dosh. However she didn't know about the indecent proposal by which old Lloydie acquired cash from a married woman (with whom he was having an affair) to buy half of Streetcars . (eh? - ed). I know, it's complicated. (Not complicated. hard to believe that Lloyd was selling his body for money, unless it was to science - ed).

The result?  Lloyd wound up with a laxative in his beer and a quick (very quick) trip to Weatherfield General.

Let's move on.

Ah yes. Then there was his famous May-December relationship (with Emily Bishop? - ed). It all started with a salsa class. Their eyes meet across a hardwood floor and before you could say "leopard skin top con mucho cleavage", Lloyd and Liz were having a steamy samba - much to the chagrin of Steve. But it couldn't last. Lloyd just wasn't Liz's type and so he had his heart broken again.

Go on.

Well, it was a proverbial case of out of the frying pan and into the fire. Lloyd fell out of Liz's arms and into... wait for it .. Teresa's clutches. Yes, that Teresa, ex-wife of Jerry the Kebab King, alcoholic, skiver and skint (I'm sorry, you'll have to narrow it down a bit - ed). Lloyd felt sorry for Teresa and took her in. Talk about your Odd Couple. But, like all good things, it had to end.

And so?

Well, where does anyone go to meet a nice, young woman with whom one can have a long-term relationship? A strip club, of course. There, Lloyd, the eternal nice guy with a soft heart, met Cheryl the Pole Dancer. It was love at first four-drink minimum. But Cheryl had enough baggage for an Air Canada surcharge: an abusive husband, a child and a lousy job. Lloyd was the knight in shining armour, generous to a fault, supportive and loving. He gladly took in Cheryl and Russ.

But Chris is a registered psycho with a brain tumour and he used his medical condition to get back with Cheryl. So where does that leave Lloyd? Same as always, heart broken and on the losing end of a high risk, doomed relationship. Poor Guy. It's not like there are a million nice fellas on the Street. If anyone deserves some happiness, it's Lloyd.

faster than the speed of dating

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 13 episode on CBC

It's like a car crash. It's horrible but I can't look away. (I feel the same way about Charlotte's pashmina - ed)  I'm talking about the first (and last? - ed) Rovers Return Speed Dating Night. Ciaran came up with this and it's probably the worst idea he's had since he signed up for submarine duty with Peter on the HMS Skinful.

First of all, did you notice how they had to import a busload of non-speaking lovelies to participate in the event? Apparently no self-respecting Coronation Street woman (and that includes Julie, Janice and Izzy) wanted to go where no woman has gone before.

On the male side, the main 'players' were Lloyd and Kirk. Graeme bowed out to provide um... comfort (and joy surely - ed) to Tina. Back at the Rovers, Lloyd did alright (he collected more phone numbers than the Yellow Pages!) but ol' Kirkie only managed to pick up an awkward silence and a slap in the face ("I'll take that as a maybe"). As for Ciaran, well, he was found fondling a speed dater in the smoking shelter by none other than Michelle.

Now that's what I call a Celtic Tiger!

Graeme, Graemilla

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 21 episode on CBC

It seems like the only person who is really enjoying Teresa's 'Vicars & Tarts/Liz' theme party... is Graeme. In fact, ol' Doctor Proctor seems to be enjoying the dressing up (cross-dressing up, you mean -ed) a little too much. It's like he's auditioning for the Weatherfield amateur theatre version of 'The Crying Game' (or simply getting ready for canal Street - ed)

How else to explain the fact that Graeme is using the ladies' room in the Rovers to 'freshen up' ? Of course, it is admittedly rather luxurious in the aforementioned gals' bog but surely soft toilet paper and roomy stalls don't mean that every Tom, Dick and Harry (especially Dick - ed) can go charging into the ladies', embarrassing Julie Carp and trying to borrow her lippy (not Graeme's shade anyway, he's more of a Kelly or Janice - ed).

Still, at least Graeme is getting into the spirit of things. No-one else seems to be enjoying Teresa's evil entertainment. The factory girls are all dressed up and bladdered in the Rovers. Blondes don't seem to be having more fun.(although Fiz does look rather sultry in her wig).

Liz, of course, as the object of the ridicule, is hurt and angry. 'Vicar' Lloyd is embarrassed and then horrified especially when Liz decides to melt half of his prized record collection (hot singles? - ed) and uses the rest as Frisbees (the 'ultimate' revenge - ed). Teresa? Well she's hammered, as usual, and doing a nice job of making Lloyd's life miserable.

All told, the 'Vicars & Tarts/Liz' event probably went rather well from Teresa's nasty perspective but even she can see the writing on the wall. She's as good as binned and not a moment too soon for Lloyd's sake. What was he thinking?

everybody loves steve?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 26 episode on CBC

I think I'm getting a headache. (take two aspirin and call me in 2012 - ed). Ever since Becky compared Steve and Michelle to the American TV sitcom, 'Everybody loves Raymond', I've been trying to figure out who's who (whom, surely - ed).

Let's start with the obvious. According to Becky, Steve is Raymond and Michelle is Deborah. So far, so good. So, who is Robert (Ray's brother)? Is it Andy? (Naw, Andy's in Spain. That doesn't work). It must be Lloyd. Lloyd is Robert. Yeah, that works. I can just hear Lloydie saying sarcastically: "Everybody loves Steve". But, wait, hang on a minute. If Lloyd is Robert, that means Lloyd (Robert) is sleeping with Ray's mother, Marie (Liz). Geez Louise! Oh my God! I don't think I ever saw that episode.

And what about Ray's Dad, Frank. Who would that be? I guess that would have to be big Jim McDonald. So let's see. That means Ray's Dad was sent to jail for killing a bloke with his bare hands and then got out of the slammer only to punch out one of Marie's boyfriends (Vernon). Yikes! I can't exactly hear the studio audience doubling over in laughter at that episode.

Okay, so the parallels don't exactly work. But I guess Becky's point is that Steve (like most married men who say they'll leave their wives) is never going to leave Michelle. "They're at each other all the time but deep down, there’s love," says Becky.

Sad but true and that point comes through in living colour -- whether you're Ray Romano or Steve McDonald.

Relationship ratings

spoiler alert; this post makes reference to the October 19 episode on CBC

Whew! Maria's finally gone to Cyprus (to practice her spelling? - ed) and Tony's hi jinks are taking a back seat to some of the evolving relationships on the Street. Let's take a quick gander:

Lloyd & Danielle: Even though she's saving for a boob job (right now, she can only afford to do one - ed), Danielle is history. Lloyd is moving on to the alpha female of Brazilian crunch: Liz. Zero out of five stars for this one.

Lloyd & Liz: Yowsa! It looks like the chemistry is there and Liz certainly doesn't waste any time. She said 'no' for about half a second and then had Lloyd in a leg lock inside her boudoir while Steve-o was downstairs making small talk with Betty. I give this one three out of five stars: ***

Molly & Tyrone: While Jack's busy ejecting Pam and her biofuel lab from the backyard (so ends the possibility of the first pigeon/chip oil powered hybrid car - ed), Molly is continuing to play silly beggar with Tyrone. It can't last and something's got to give. Either they're a couple or they're not. Right now, I give it only two stars out of five: **

Carla & Tony: With cash flowing in again, the tepid twosome can now get on with what they do best: spend money (kilts for everyone! - ed). This won't last. Carla is just too circumspect and suspicious and you can tell that her heart's not in it (Carla has a heart? - ed). As far as she's concerned, hogmany is hogwash - even if Tone does wear a kilt. I give this one a single star out of five: *

Norris & Sunny Jim: With Emily playing detective and on the hunt for Jed, Norris and Sunny Jim are destined to be spending a lot of time together, mostly locked in a psychological battle of wits (I'll put 10 quid on the cat - ed). One star out of five: *

SHS (serious hunk shortage)

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 10 episode on CBC

Memo to: Corrie powers that be
From: Corrie Heart
Re: SHS

It has come to my attention (after speaking with several discerning female viewers), that there is an issue developing on Coronation Street which requires immediate action. (the mess in Darryl's shed? - ed).

The issue is the Serious Hunk Shortage (SHS) following the sad exit of the tall, broody, dark, handsome (that's enough - ed) Liam Connor (May he rest in peace - or in a future BBC mini-series). The fact is that Corrie is running dangerously low on good-looking men (aka eye-candy). First, there was the loss of Harry Mason (the mature betting woman's crumpet) and now Liam. Tony Gordon, whom some find appealing despite (or because of) his Scottish-psycho charm, is assuredly out of the running as a hunk in good standing as he continues to wreak evil.

Who does that leave?

Let's do a brief male-call.

Steve Macdonald - goofy looks, endearing charm and bad haircut. Good lad but hardly in the same leagues as our Liam.

Lloyd Mullaney - cuddly, cute and well meaning but no Daniel Craig - unless Daniel Craig has started eating large quantities of kebabs.

Dev Allahan - used to be a smooth talking, ladies' man in his heyday. Now he's more or less retired to the confines of his corner shop even though he is currently dating a mother-daughter combo (maybe he's still got it).

Kevin Webster - some women may like his 'Fight Club' earthiness but I don't hear much swooning.

Tyrone Dobbs - Corrie's answer to Wayne Rooney has a heart of gold but Maria didn't spend months trying to make him over for nothing. (See also: chest hair waxing).

Kirk Sutherland - Movie star good looks... if the movie is 'Deliverance' (according to Janice Battersby).

I think this cursory glance at the Corrie males proves conclusively that there is indeed a SHS on the street and I look forward to remedial action in the near future (i.e before Rosie runs out of pasta salad).

Yours Sincerely,

etc etc.

Is Lloyd Ax-worthy?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 6 episode on CBC

Lloyd Mullaney is, and always has been, a bit of a lovable rascal on Coronation Street. He provides an amusing foil to Steve McDonald, co-owns a respectable business on the Street and has a good heart. But lately, old Lloydie has been making some questionable decisions and I'm starting to wonder about him.

First, there was that whole Steve-marriage-proposal-cock-and-bull story which he concocted to placate Michelle while Steverino was hiding in Spain. Admittedly, Lloyd was in a tough position and Steve did indeed leave him in the lurch but he could have come up with something better.

Then there was the Finlay-paternity scam which 'Mother' Teresa Morton invented in order to siphon off guilt money from Lloyd. Teresa managed, with very little difficulty, to convince Lloyd that he was the Dad of Finlay following a one-night stand somewhere, sometime in a galaxy far, far away. Old Lloydie fell for that line, hook, line and sinker and magically starting pulling pound notes out of his pockets like David Blaine on steroids. But, to paraphrase the song 'Billie Jean', the kid was not his son.

More recently, Lloyd decides to hire the creepy John Stapes to be a taxi driver (Friend of Travis Bickle perhaps? - ed). Stape caused a major ruckus on the street, was popped in the kisser by Kev and basically run out of town and school for his conduct. What was Lloyd thinking? What was he thinking once again when he dispatched John-Boy on a late night run to pick up Rosie Webster after a snogfest with her latest beau?

I'm not saying Lloyd should be axed from the show. On the contrary, he has his good points. He did, after all. rescue Becky when Roy's Rolls caught fire (caused black pudding to be blacker than usual - ed). As I say, he has a good heart, I'm just not sure about his brain.

Shots from the Hip: Who should record (Don't fall into) The Mason's Arms? Here's a fake survey of Street denizens:
Darryl: "ELO or PLO - that old, fossil band they're always bangin' on about"
Tina: "The Cortinas, of course"
Vernon: The Rock Rhythm Rascals, if Liz can be our roadie again
Rita: "You can't beat Vera Lynn - but I'll give it a go"
Les Battersby: "The Status Quo, mate"
John Stape: "I'm a bit busy being a psycho right now - but Leonard Cohen's your man"

Il Skivo

Spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 18 episode on CBC

Let's deal with the mundane first.

Teresa has made a startling bedside confession to Jerry (she makes a lousy apple pie and custard? - ed). Much to my surprise, she has come clean and told the Kebab King (TM) that she is responsible for giving him too many pills and reducing his blood to the consistency of a cup of weak tea at Roy's Rolls. Jerry is shocked. Teresa has pulled a lot of reprehensible stunts (extra marital affairs, abandoning the kids, lying, conning Lloyd into paternity payouts for his 'son' Finlay, using Sally Webster's conservatory as a giant ashtray, etc etc) but this one takes the cake. Jerry threatens to call 999 (note: subtract 88 for Canadian equivalent). Teresa leaves. She's a bad seed but, let's face it, she didn't have to confess at all. She could have stayed quiet and probably would have gotten away with it. Suddenly, against all odds, she starts to show a little depth and complexity. I'm just wondering if it's too little, too late.

But all this is just prologue to the singing debut of Vernon Tomlin whose pipes reveal an earthy, earnest country/folk/pop sensibility -- without the usual good looks, talent and charisma which burden most singing superstars. He's like 1/4 (1/8th surely - ed) of the singing group Il Divo. Call him 'Il Skivo'. But I digress. Vernon's breakup with Liz has inspired songs and lyrics that we will never forget (try as we might). Let's not wait one second more before releasing a CD. I can see it now....

Vernon Tomlin's Greatest Hits
Side 1
Wichita potman
Stayin' askive
Slip, slippin' away... (pending Paul Simon lawsuit)
Time please

Side 2
I'll have the full English (but my love is half baked)
Ice and a slice... of my heart
Bang the drum slowly (Vernon's productivity song)
(Don't fall into) The Mason's Arms

Order now and get a free hotpot! That's it for this week. Enjoy the Sunday omnibus episode. Thanks for visiting and I'll be back next Tuesday.

10 signs of trouble

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 17 episode on CBC

You know you're in trouble when:

...you accept advice about women and relationships in the Rovers

...you accept advice about women and relationships in the Rovers from Lloyd of Streetcars (aka 'Floyd' according to Nina)

...you refer to yourself as a "plaything" (Nice one, Dev. Who do you think you are? Fabio?)

...you leave your piggy bank unattended while Teresa is in your house

...you leave your medication unattended while Teresa is in your house

...you leave your house unattended while Teresa is in your house

...your only prospect for a long term relationship is David Platt

...your biggest decision of the day is whether to have "a biscuit or something buttered" (according to Ken Barlow)

...your career path leads you to Roy's Rolls (Ken again)

... your major challenge is finding a rhyme for the word 'everlasting' (Hey Vernon, how about 'nevergrafting'?)