Coronation Street's sad sack race

please note this post makes reference to the August 6 episode on CBC

"Ladies and gentleman, thank you for joining us and welcome as we bring you live coverage of the Annual Bessie Street School Olympics. We have already witnessed an astonishing day of sport here at the magnificent Ken Barlow Outdoor Centre for Athletic Adequacy (KBOCAA).

Britain's Amy Barlow has already captured her fair share of medals with electrifying performances in the 100, 200 and 300 metre sprint for children who will need therapy later in life.

But now, the main event. Yes, it's the father's sack race. This is truly the marquee event of the day so, without further ado, let's go down to the field and meet the starting lineup.

On the outside lane is an anonymous unnamed father with glasses.

Next is Dev Allahan. Dev, nicknamed Insane Dolt, had a disappointing race last year due to marital difficulties but he says he is now in top form.

Next to Dev, some other miscellaneous dads without names and then we have a newcomer, Nick Tilsley. While not technically a dad, the IOC has ruled that Tilsley, aka the Bistro Bobber, is eligible. Next to Tilsley is Peter Barlow. Barlow was certainly a favourite to win the Dry Sack race but we're not so sure about this one.

And, they're off !

It's Allahan, followed by Barlow followed by Tilsley. Allahan got off to a fast start but he's starting to fade as the nameless dads are catching up and now Barlow is pushing forward. Look at that form! They say he's great in the sack and so far, ladies and gentlemen, he seems to have this race in the bag.

But wait, now it's the non-dad making a move. Yes, it's Tilsley bobbing up on the inside. Tilsley now pushing though the pack and taking the lead. As they approach the tape, it's all Tilsely. Just look at his sack, ladies (and gentlemen)! So small, so compact yet so efficient. And at the finish, it's Tilsley. Nick Tilsley brings home the gold!"

Coronation Street's Desperate Housewife

please note this post makes reference to the July 16 episode on CBC

Not since the global condemnation of New Coke, James Blunt and Crocks has there been such widespread disapproval on this scale. I'm talking, of course, about Sunita Allahan and her sudden transformation into a cross between Mae West and Eartha Kitt (what's wrong with that? - ed).

There seems to be general agreement in Corrieland that this transformation of Sunita from her previous persona as wife, mother and corner shop specialist into Supervamp is unpopular, uncredible and undesirable. Why would a sensible woman and loving mom suddenly gamble her kids, her marriage and her life for a sordid leg over with a gambling addict? Why does her wardrobe now only consist of low cut tops? Why are her pants painted on? Why is she role-playing sex games with Karl ("I'll be the sexy love-starved vixen, you pretend to be a taxi driver... oh wait a sec, you are a taxi driver" - ed)

Our receptionist, Abby Downton, is the lone voice of support for Sunita's sudden transformation. Abby says that Sunita is discovering her sexuality, escaping from that confined, repressive relationship with the selfish Dev, establishing her independence by working at the Rovers and taking a risk to feel alive.

Yes, yes. yes.

I get it. That's all well and good, but with Karl?  Let's face it: he's not exactly oozing animal magnetism (unless that animal happens to be a hamster - ed)

One thing is for certain. This dangerous, va-va-voom, sex game which Sunita is playing is going to end badly. It's only a matter of time before she's caught out by one leg over too many. And, wait till Dev says: "Hey, honey, guess who's coming to dinner?"

2 aunties are half as funny as 1 Umed

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the December 6 episode on CBC

Let me be the first to register an objection to the Bollywood-like appearance of Sunita's two aunts from India: Mupma & Grishma (I thought that was a subsidiary of Marks & Spencer - ed). It's not that I mind seeing Sunita again, or the twins. On the contrary, I've always had a soft spot for the fair Sunita (in your head, no doubt - ed) and it's great to see her back on the Street (well, nearby anyway)  But, for some reason, every Dev storyline seems to quickly degenerate into some kind of bad Bollywood movie.

First there was the Mother/Daughter love triangle with Dev, Nina and Tara (why was poor Prem left out? - ed). Of course, that was partially redeemed by the multi-storey public photo of Dev wearing nothing but a smile, all part of Tara's revenge (who's sari now? - ed).

Then came Umed, Dev's uncle and corner shop marketing maverick, who became quite a fixture in the corner shop doing a kind of Bollywood Laurel and Hardy routine with Dev. I believe he developed quite a loyal following (Club Umed? - ed), until he suddenly returned to India.

Now we have Dev playing the role of a goofball dad (papa-dum? - ed) who has to pretend he's married to Sunita so the visiting aunties from India won't know they're divorced. It's like 'I Love Lucy'. And, if I can speak frankly, it seems to me that the aunties are basically two Umeds in drag, except that Umed was a lot funnier than Mupma or Grishma or both (Mishma? - ed).

Two modes of Dev Alahan

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 2 episode on CBC

Have you noticed that Dev only really has two moods? (legover and non-legover? - ed). Actually, they're not so much moods as 'modes'. Let me explain (I was afraid of that - ed).

Mode 1: Mellow Dev
First, there's what I call 'Mellow Dev'. This is when Dev is very relaxed, very smiley and usually acting a little, how you say, 'goofy'.

For example, when Sunita pops into the corner shop in a tizzy because she has no place to have the twins' birthday party, Dev is annoyingly 'chill', with that irritating 'go with the flow' mood of his. In this mode, having a kids party at his flat is no problem. Making a mess of his nice bach pad? No problem. Goodie bags? No problem. And so on. It's the same when he challenges Steve to a game of golf. All of a sudden he's Mr. Smooth, making wisecracks and acting funny.

And, of course, 'Mellow Dev' is the Dev who charms the ladies -- until the ladies (like Bernie) see through him and discover his unfortunate habit of... um.. being 'economical' with the truth (see also: Tara, Nina, Sunita etc etc - ed),

But Dev also has another side, a mode which we know only too well. I call it...

Mode 2: Angry Dev
This mode is almost as annoying as 'Mellow Dev' (but not quite). Angry Dev emerges when things don't go his way. Like, for example, when he finds out that Sunita is seeing another man (the manly Matt). That leads to classic lines like this one: "because I care about my kids, I will get angry and I won’t be, uh, be civilized and I won’t be reasonable, all right?" 

It's the same story when Dev gets wound up by Amber or Umed or anyone for that matter.  In an instant, he switches from 'Mellow Dev' into 'Angry Dev' and becomes a blowhard, a mad dervish of hot air and bile - which, inevitably, he regrets later over a morose drink at the Rovers.

Although he's in 'Mellow Dev' mode right now, I can almost guarantee that 'Angry Dev' is just around the corner, probably ready to explode before, during or after his kids' birthday party. General Custard better put on a damn good show...

Umed: the musical

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 21 on CBC

I must say, I like where Umed's going with his innovative retail ideas (back to Mumbai? - ed). In fact, Dev should seriously consider making Umed a member of the Weatherfield Square Dealers Association (he's certainly got the right body shape - ed) or that other group Dev started with Prem. I think it was called WAFTA (Weatherfield Area Free Trade Association)... or something like that. The point is (oh, so there is one? - ed) that Umed is trying to drag Dev's corner shop into the 21st century by using leading-edge musical door chimes instead of that dreary old bell.

Machine gun fire sound effects and circus music is good but if the Korner Shop really wants to create an ongoing 'relationship' with its customers (instead of just selling a packet of biscuits to Lloyd), then let's take it one step further and create customized entry music for each loyal customer on the Street. How would that work? I'm glad you asked. Here's a few preliminary suggestions:

Jason? How about 'YMCA' ? (Village People)

Tony Gordon? Bad (Michael Jackson)

David Platt? (see above)

Kelly Crabtree? Hot Legs (Rod Stewart)

Eddie Windass? Hair (from the musical of the same name)

Joe McIntyre? Get back or Back in the USSR (The Beatles)

Leanne Battersby? 'Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light' (The Police)

Fiz? Jailhouse Rock (Elvis)

Jesse? 'Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys' (Waylon Jennings)

Eileen? 'Jesse's Girl'... for the moment anyway (Rick Springfield)

Kirk? Er, let's just stick with the machine gun fire...


Anyway, you get the idea. Can't wait to see what Umed has 'in store' tonight. Nudge. nudge. (yes, I know, I know, stop with the bad puns). Thanks for the nice comment. Laters.

Dev-astating

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 9 episode on CBC

What is it about Dev? Mr. Allahan and the term 'bad breakup' seem to be almost synonymous. Dev's romantic escapades have often ended with high drama. Over the years, ex-lovers have threatened him (Thanks Nina), wrecked his apartment and cut his clothes into tiny pieces (Thanks, Tracey) and. last but not least, tried to blow him up with a gas stove (Thanks Maya).

Now some may say that Dev is a little... how you say... 'economical with the truth' and that's why he keeps getting into trouble. Fair enough, Dev is definitely 'honesty challenged' and he never seems to learn his lesson. You would think that after his failed marriage to Sunita (you remember: when he forgot to tell Sunita that he had affairs with practically every woman in every one of his corner shops) that Dev would get it. Or, perhaps when he was turfed out of WAFTA (Weatherfield Area Free Trade Association) or whatever it was called - by Prem. But no, here he goes again and Tara is plotting to make this breakup perhaps the most excruciating humiliation yet.

The set-up is courtesy of Justin, budding artist and shutterbug, who managed to get some juicy snaps of the Devster in the buff and, in the process, answered that thorny question: boxers or briefs? (Actually they looked like the world's largest boxers! - ed). I wonder what Tara will do with those racy x-rated pics?

Well, one suggestion would be to put up a series of the 'Dev unplugged' photos in the gallery. (They would certainly be a noted improvement over the current crop of dreary oeuvres hanging there - i.e. 'Canal at dusk with rusted Freshco shopping cart' - ed).

However, I think Tara is planning something more public (I think you meant to spell 'public' without the 'l' - ed). In other words, don't be surprised if the old Allahan 'jewels in the crown' get top billing in downtown Weatherfield. Could be the biggest municipal event since Alf Roberts was elected mayor...

The 5th Beatle?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 3 episode on CBC

John. Paul, George, Ringo... and Umed? Have I missed something? Was Umed that guy playing the sitar in 'Help'? Was he on stage at Shea Stadium? That's right, according to no less an authority than Umed himself, Dev's chunky uncle (chuncle? - ed) is a Mumbai moptop and practically the fifth Beatle (step aside George Martin & Pete Best).

It seems that George Harrison and Umed were hanging out at Ravi Shankar's condo in India talking about material posessions, poverty, drum lessons for Ringo and whether or not the walrus was Paul. Anyway, long story short, Umed says he was the inspiration for George's Concert for Bangladesh. (wish I'd kept that three-record boxed set -ed)

Although the Fab Five never appeared in public, I certainly wish I could have seen Umed perform (I hear his rendition of 'Nowhere Nan' could bring tears to your eyes - ed). As for Umed's nephew, Dev, it looks like his chickens are coming home to roost. Tara (who is suddenly best friends with Poppy - who knew?) has discovered that Dev and Lisa took the 'Long and Winding Road' up to Dev's place and had a little 'Magical Mystery Tour' of the Allahan abode before engaging in a little, how you say, 'Ob li di, Ob la da' .

Now it looks like Dev is going to have a showdown with Tara. If I had to pick an outcome, I would go with that song from the famous songwriting team of Lennon-McCartney-Umed who once said: "You're going to lose that girl"

Look back at Amber

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the January 6 episode on CBC

Congratulations Amber! (yes, that new hairstyle really suits her - ed). You have joined the few, the proud, the elite handful of Coronation Street citizens to escape Weatherfield and attend university. Take your rightful place beside Ken Barlow, Toyah Battersby, Todd Grimshaw and a few select others (what about Kirkie? Didn't he attend King's Kennel Cambridge? - ed).

The achievement is all the more spectacular because of - or should I say - in spite of Daddy Dev. Dev was the quintessential absentee landlord of parents, the silent partner, the uninterested bystander who was quick to make Amber's life difficult and slow to help her in any way. You could say that Dev was there for Amber when she needed a place to go. True enough but Dev got the better deal: cheap, efficient and trustworthy labour for his corner shop. Amber's school and academic achievements? I don't think Dev was even aware that Amber attended school (too busy with his corner shop empire and various dalliances).

At any rate, I'm not suprised that Amber got accepted to uni in London. And it couldn't have happened at a better time. That tag team of Dev and Umed is starting to get on my nerves. They're like the two Ronnies (not as funny - ed) or some kind of insipid Bollywood version of Laurel and Hardy (but not silent, unfortunately - ed).

Amber's moving on at the right time, leaving Dev, Tara and Weatherfield behind. There's only one small fly in the ointment (you mean Peter Barlow's dermatological defence serum? - ed) and that's poor Darryl. You can see the heartbreak in his eyes (just look under the hair - ed). What's left for him once Amber leaves? He'd be out of place in the big city (unless there's a King's Kebab College somewhere in London - ed). I'd be sorry to see them split up. They go together like chips and soggy peas.

In the meantime, I say to Amber: 'You go girl' and I say to Dev: 'send Umed back to Mumbai'

SHS (serious hunk shortage)

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 10 episode on CBC

Memo to: Corrie powers that be
From: Corrie Heart
Re: SHS

It has come to my attention (after speaking with several discerning female viewers), that there is an issue developing on Coronation Street which requires immediate action. (the mess in Darryl's shed? - ed).

The issue is the Serious Hunk Shortage (SHS) following the sad exit of the tall, broody, dark, handsome (that's enough - ed) Liam Connor (May he rest in peace - or in a future BBC mini-series). The fact is that Corrie is running dangerously low on good-looking men (aka eye-candy). First, there was the loss of Harry Mason (the mature betting woman's crumpet) and now Liam. Tony Gordon, whom some find appealing despite (or because of) his Scottish-psycho charm, is assuredly out of the running as a hunk in good standing as he continues to wreak evil.

Who does that leave?

Let's do a brief male-call.

Steve Macdonald - goofy looks, endearing charm and bad haircut. Good lad but hardly in the same leagues as our Liam.

Lloyd Mullaney - cuddly, cute and well meaning but no Daniel Craig - unless Daniel Craig has started eating large quantities of kebabs.

Dev Allahan - used to be a smooth talking, ladies' man in his heyday. Now he's more or less retired to the confines of his corner shop even though he is currently dating a mother-daughter combo (maybe he's still got it).

Kevin Webster - some women may like his 'Fight Club' earthiness but I don't hear much swooning.

Tyrone Dobbs - Corrie's answer to Wayne Rooney has a heart of gold but Maria didn't spend months trying to make him over for nothing. (See also: chest hair waxing).

Kirk Sutherland - Movie star good looks... if the movie is 'Deliverance' (according to Janice Battersby).

I think this cursory glance at the Corrie males proves conclusively that there is indeed a SHS on the street and I look forward to remedial action in the near future (i.e before Rosie runs out of pasta salad).

Yours Sincerely,

etc etc.

festival of one-liners

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 27 episode on CBC

Ladies, gentlemen & punters! Lock all the doors, put the kettle on and turn up the volume at 7pm because I don't think it gets much better than this. A cornucopia (keep it clean - ed) of compelling stories for our viewing delight. The one possible exception is Norris who hurts his back and is lying on the floor of the Kabin. The only way that this gets interesting is if a herd of stampeding elk charges through the corner shop for a quarter pound of licorice allsorts and Norris gets 'underfoot' in the literal sense of the word.

But I digress. As I say, the street is cooking with gas and the one-liners are coming fast and furious. Here's a small sampling of my faves:

Julie re: Janice's theft: "the whole debacle has dented the passenger door of the car I call human nature."
(then what does she call human nature? a Volvo?)

Vickie re: Janice's theft: "she brings new meaning to the word vile"
(boy, her English is getting really good. Pretty soon the factory girls won't be able to understand her!)

Dev to Nina: "I'm a single man, ergo I am free to ogle"
(agreed, but don't call me 'Ergo'.)

Nina to Dev: "As I said in the Bollywood classic 'Summer of the 16th sari"..."
(sequel to the 'summer of the 15th sari' - with Sylvester Stallone, I believe. I laughed, I cried)

Carla about Michelle: "She spends more time in front of the mirror than Simon Cowell"
(Surely not. Simon holds the Guinness world record)

The Bollywood Graduate

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 2 episode on CBC

So, it all becomes clear. Dev is the graduate. Nina is Mrs. Robinson and her beautiful young daughter, Tara, is Elaine. It's 'The Graduate', Bollywood-style so let the fun and games begin.

I guess the first big clue was that infamous 'leg shot' of Dev while he was having it off with Nina a few episodes back. That was just an appetizer (a samosa surely? - ed) for the action to come. Dev is invited over to Prem and Nina's for dinner. He comes armed with a box of the finest chocolates that money can buy - from The Kabin - which Norris is only too happy to unload. (Seems no-one on the Street wants to pay 16 pounds for candy which saw its best buy date elapse during the Thatcher years).

But Prem has a surprise in 'store' for Dev (ixnay on the puns - ed). He introduces the Devster to his comely young daughter, Tara, who is in town for a visit. Tara is currently working in London but is thinking of escaping the excitement, energy and verve of one of the world's great capitals for the charms of Weatherfield where a gal can take time to just stop and smell the roses (unless the canal is backed up on a hot day).

At dinner the chemistry is electric. Dev shows that he still has all the player moves as he reels off witty lines like, "This sauce is amazing." Meanwhile Nina is the consummate green-eyed monster, undercutting Dev's qualities at every opportunity. Prem says Dev has 'a retail empire'. Nina says he has 'corner shops'. And so on. No matter, Tara is definitely intrigued by Dev and vice versa. Nina is becoming suspicious, jealous and angry. She tries to slam the door on the Tara-Dev relationship before it begins. "I'm afraid that's not going to happen," she hisses as she quickly escorts Dev out of her home. "My husband may have some strange ideas but they're easily dealt with." (what strange ideas? spontaneous combustion? fur underwear?).

So the stage is set for The Graduate, Bollywood style. If memory serves me correctly (unlikely - ed), the original Graduate with Dustin Hoffman back in 1967 eventually worked out okay for Ben and Elaine. Who knows how the Bollywood version will end? In the meantime, 'Here's to you Mr. Allahan... etc etc.'

....

Hip Pocket: Blanche is back with the best line of the week ('natch) about none other than John Stapes, "Once a Thomas strays, they never settle again - unless you get them doctored." Thanks for visiting and enjoy the Sunday omnibus. I'll be back next Tuesday.

Wild about Harry

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 30 episode on CBC

There's a lot of drama going on in the street. Teresa, who seems more and more like some kind of robo-villain out of a Terminator movie or a CIA assassin from the Bourne Identity, is becoming more scary by the minute. Unless that was some kind of shoe phone in her hand, I can only imagine what she did to that young thugette (Abi's assailant) in the washroom of the Milk Bar. Nice of her to help out Mel though, even if it meant breaking several laws and being a certified sociopath. But isn't that what being a good mum is all about?

Meanwhile Nina and Dev continue their dance of deception at Dev's fancy new apartment. (Is it my imagination, or does Prem drop by at least ten times a day? I thought he had a business empire to run). Nina continues to charm the tortured Devster with flattering utterances like "Don't fall at the first fence." (translation: Dev is a horse, possibly a lame horse)

But the prize of the day goes to the Diva Deluxe, Clarissa, who makes a puzzling return to the Rover's (I'd certainly go back to an establishment where I was previously dragged out by my hair, wouldn't you?). Seems Clarissa has some rules which must be observed by Harry if he wants to continue supping ale in his favourite local. Clarissa only reveals one rule ("You do not stand chatting at the bar") but I'm sure she has a few more. I don't know what they are but they probably go something like this...

Clarissa's ground rules for Harry in the Rover's
1. Do not stand chatting at the bar
2. Do not talk to the slapper landlady unless she is standing directly in front of the dart board
3. Do not flirt with Betty Turpin while ordering a hotpot
4. Do not accidentally brush up against any of Liz's low-cut leopard skin outfits
5. Do not ask Vernon to sing 'Mason's Arms'

designing women

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 25 episode on CBC

Two designing women are stealing the show on Coronation Street these days with their manipulative skills, raw sexuality and devious ways (Emily Bishop & Rita Sullivan? -ed).

On one corner of the Street, Carla Connor (aka Cruella de Connor or Carla de vil) is 'having her way' with Liam is a most evil way. Poor old Liam has already paid dearly to extricate himself from her clutches. He sold his stake in the factory for mere pennies to Tony, the professional business predator, in order to get away from Carlissima and make a fresh start with Maria. But alas, Liam's quiet life of pubbing and babymaking is torn asunder once more when his hapless business partner, Tom, 'gets into bed' with Carla (surely a metaphor-ed) in order to secure a business deal with a t-shirt manufacturer in America. For the bargain price of 50,000 pounds, Carla is able to get back into Liam's life and make him miserable, uncomfortable and turned on - all at the same time. "Gotcha", she says.

Then there's Nina, or as Vernon calls her: '99 Luftballoons' (ixnay on the German - ed). Here's another designing woman at work. The Bollywood Beauty swans into Dev's corner shop (sorry, I mean signature food emporium) any time she wants just to keep the Devster firmly wrapped around her little ring-encrusted finger. Only Nina could walk into a grotty corner store, ignore the 300 year-old cans of Spam and expired packets of Peek Freans digestives, and say, "I'm scintillating." After Nina cancels a date with Dev, the paramour (or 'Devamour' as Vernon calls him) goes outside to drown his disappointment by putting a few golf balls into a glass jar on the street (Must be just like St. Andrew's on a spring morning). Chalk up another victory for another designing woman.

Gotcha again.

Enjoy the weekend and the Sunday omnibus. See you next Tuesday.

10 signs of trouble

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 17 episode on CBC

You know you're in trouble when:

...you accept advice about women and relationships in the Rovers

...you accept advice about women and relationships in the Rovers from Lloyd of Streetcars (aka 'Floyd' according to Nina)

...you refer to yourself as a "plaything" (Nice one, Dev. Who do you think you are? Fabio?)

...you leave your piggy bank unattended while Teresa is in your house

...you leave your medication unattended while Teresa is in your house

...you leave your house unattended while Teresa is in your house

...your only prospect for a long term relationship is David Platt

...your biggest decision of the day is whether to have "a biscuit or something buttered" (according to Ken Barlow)

...your career path leads you to Roy's Rolls (Ken again)

... your major challenge is finding a rhyme for the word 'everlasting' (Hey Vernon, how about 'nevergrafting'?)

a tale of two chest pains

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 15 episode on CBC

It had to happen sooner or later. Kebab King Jerry had another heart episode. He took a perilous tumble and thudded to the floor, but not before hitting his head on a coffee table on the way down. Looks like Teresa's strategy has worked - or has it? What exactly was the plan? An overdose of heart medication could make Jerry sick, but then again, it could kill him. Unless Teresa has a phD in pharmacology from Weatherfield Technical Institute (magna cum mither), she would hardly be in a position to know what would happen. Even without the double doses of heart pills, Jerry was hardly on the road to healthy living. Curries, half pints, chips at the kebab shop, a half block stroll to the Rovers and custard with apple pie all seem to be part of his demanding regime. Let's just say he wasn't exactly living la vida vegan.

On the other side of town, a scene of similar horror and dread was taking place. I'm talking about Dev and the Bollywood babe. Nina continues to rack up double entendres at a faster pace than Usain Bolt running the 100 metres. Then, before you can say 'Bombay Duck', the twosome engage in a lively bit of 'garam masala' (enough with the suggestive ethnic metaphors - ed). Maybe it's me, but I just don't get it. Admittedly, Dev's let himself go since his traumatic breakup with Sunita but he used to be a player (slogan: "a comely companion in every corner shop"). Remember? Now he's entering the world of farce, a veritable horndog millionaire with a Bollywood retiree and a hairy chest (you could lose a golf ball in there!).

Oh the humanity!

Teresa's recipe for custard (clip and save)
Six large eggs
Five heaping spoons of sugar
Four of Jerry's heart pills
Three pints milk

Directions:
Heat and beat (the custard, not Jerry)

A Minnie tribute & a maxi flirt

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 8 episode on CBC

Only the hardest of hearts would fail to be moved by the touching tribute to Minnie Caldwell on Friday's episode. Many longtime fans remember Minnie as one of the show's original and most endearing characters with a shy exterior, a heart of gold and the mettle to endure the company of acid-tongued Ena Sharples. You can find more info on these legendary characters at one of the more authoritative and reputable Corrie sites out there (not this one - ed).

Minnie makes a surprise 'appearance' when the old man who suffers a Tony Gordon-induced heart attack is in hospital recovering and perusing a few of his precious momentoes. One souvenir is a photo of our dear Minnie. It seems that the old man is Jed Stone, one of Minnie's lodgers back in the 1960s. It's a nice touch for veteran fans and serves to reinforce the fact that Tony is one bad dude.

Meanwhile, the puzzling combo of Prem and Nina continue to spend their valuable time dropping by the street for little or no reason. At Tony's smarmy champagne event to celebrate the opening of his swanky Victoria Court flats, there they are sipping flutes of sparkling 'Cuvee Rovers' while Rosie struts around in a full-length thong, pouting and serving guests. At Dev's 'signature store', the couple are forever popping in for a chat (doesn't Prem have a carpet and flooring empire to run?). I guess when you need some mints, you both have to jump into your Jaguar and head to an out-of-the-way backstreet corner store. But then, as the googly-eyed Nina, Queen of the Sexual Innuendo (TM) points out, "It wasn't the mints I wanted."

What's with that woman? She could make a breakfast order at Roy's Rolls sound like a line from Last Tango in Paris, "I'll have the full English, Roy... if you know what I mean."

Come to think of it, that would be a bit suggestive.