Another fire at Underworld?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 29 episode on CBC

What's that you say? A fire at Underworld? Again? Yes, Corrie lovers, someone is once again is humming 'come on baby, light my fire' (Jose Feliciano? - ed) while pouring gasoline (petrol? - ed) all over the inventory of badly-stitched knickers - as well as Carla and Hailey and poor old Robbie. And, at $1.25 or more a litre, that's a mighty expensive way to get rid of the factory.  By the way, you'd think that the factory would have a sprinkler system by now wouldn't you? (well, there IS a hole in the roof which lets the rain in - ed)

But I digress.

By my count. this is the third time someone has intentionally or unintentionally set fire to Underworld. Good ol' Don Brennan took a shot at it back when Mike Baldwin was running the place. Seems Don didn't like Mike (couldn't he just unfriend him on Facebook? - ed). Then of course, there was Janice who managed to drop a cigarette which lit up Underworld again ("you can't start fire without a skiver" - Bruce Springsteen).

This time, it's 'psycho-killer-qu'est-que-c'est-Tony Gordon' who is spreading his charm -- and gasoline -- inside Underworld and preparing for a factory flambee. I don't like the way this is going -- unless Maria has the good sense and brains to act swiftly (after all she did write 'muderer' on the factory wall - ed). Let's just keep our fingers crossed that someone, anyone, has the time and nosiness quotient to investigate what's going on. Someone get Norris Cole, stat!

Tony Gordon, it's Tuesday?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 21 episode on CBC

Holy Communion, Batman! Look who's back! Terrible Tony Gordon is doing just fine thank you. He's being a model McInmate. What's he doing, you ask? Oh, just the usual: going to mass, wearing comfortable duds, being sociable with his fellow cellmate (you mean Roy Cropper's stunt-double, no doubt serving time for protecting the endangered Northern vole? - ed) and smuggling in a SIM card for his cellphone.

Hold on! Smuggling a cellphone into jail (wonder if he's with Telus or Rogers? - ed) What's Tone up to now? Hasn't he learned his lesson? Well, maybe the phone is jut a bit a fun, you know, something to pass the time. Maybe he'll just use it to make a few prank calls ("Hello, have you got Prinnce Albert in a can? Well, guid God man, you'd better let him out!" Click).

Or maybe he just wants to catch up with his old mates? ("Hello Jimmy, remember me, Tony Gordon, the guy who hired you to run Kevin Webster out of business, run over Liam Connor and kill my wee wife?")

Or maybe he just wants to make amends ("Hello Roy Cropper. TG here. Look, laddie, I'm sorry about pushing you in the longitudinal loch. BTW, how's your lovely manwife? Och, sorry to hear that.")

Or does Tony have something more sinister in mind (like saving Underworld or it's soon-to-be leaky roof subsidiary: WaterWorld? - ed).  I'll bet ol' Tone has something nefarious up his sporran. Can't wait to find out what it is.

***

shot from the hip: have you noticed how all the imprisoned Corrie folks are taking centre stage on the show lately? First Gail, then Tracey and now Tony Gordon. It's like watching 'Prison Break' -- without the weightlifting and the shower scenes...

Aye confess

spoiler alert:this post makes reference to the Sept 8 episode on CBC

What's worse? Tony Gordon trying to kill you or Tony Gordon giving you the wee kiss of life?

Well, you'll have ask the shell-shocked Roy Cropper who took an unexpected water tour of the bat habitat (batitat? - ed). But it seems that our mcpsycho, Tony, does indeed have a heart (faulty though it may be) and couldn't actually let Royston drown in the famous murky waters where David Platt parked his car, where Ken Barlow had his bit on the side, where... (get on with it - ed).

Now that Tony's at the cop shop drinking tea with the nice looking detective, questions abound.

Where's Jimmy?  How long before he gets fingered by the Weatherfield fuzz?

What about Carla? Can she afford another one-way from LAX to WEA and, if so, will Streetcars pick her up from the airport?

How about the factory? Who's going to run Underworld now that Luke's done a bunk and Tony's sleeping in one?

And, what about Maria? Now that she knows the truth, what will she do? More to the point, where is she going to find a semi-good looking bloke now that most of them are gone or in jail?

And finally, what about Tony? Will he be enjoying her majesty's hospitality in the John Stape memorial cell? (I think there must be some law that says a least one street character must be in the nick at all times)

We can only wait and watch.

to the batmobile...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 7 episode on CBC

How to Watch Bats

the second in an educational series from Blanche's Polish Hip

Hello and welcome to this very interesting educational series. Faithful readers (they've already left to watch paint dry - ed) will recall Rosie Webster's very informative guide to washing cars . Now readers can learn how to watch bats, which, I believe, is the second fastest growing spectator sport next to NASCAR.

But how can you participate in this exciting activity (a fast car and a beer sponsor? - ed). It's easy. Here's how to do it.

What to wear:

- an anorak (Roy buys them in bulk at Costco)

- sensible shoes

- green socks (also good for camping)

- a look of fear

Equipment you will need:

- a flashlight

- pepper spray (never mind why)

- a stool or folding chair

- a cellphone (to dial 999 - never mind why)

- a pen and notebook to record bat movements or write a desperate note to Hailey

- cheese & tomato sarnies (Tony's favourite next to Marmite & tuna)

- a thermos of tea (enough for two)

- a swimsuit

- swimming lessons

What to do:

- go down to the edge of the canal, close to a very dark bridge with no-one around

- make sure Tony Gordon knows where you are (you never know when he may want a wee word)

- observe bats

- hint: street lights, canal bridges and desolate lonely locations are perfect spots where you'll find usually these eerie creatures hunting for prey (wait, are you talking about urban bats or Tony Gordon? - ed) 

Elevated Threat Level

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 1 episode on CBC

I must confess I had trouble keeping my spotted dick down last night while watching the show (whoa whoa, remember it's a family blog - ed). First there was the inevitable 'morning after': John and Fiz descending the stairs after John's first conjugal visit only to find that Sally had thoughtfully 'darkened' the living room windows, no doubt to preserve a mysterious, romantic mood.

Then there was Maria and Tony, getting all McFrisky and trying to make Tony's heart rate monitor increase to the 'alive' level (try saying the word 'Carla', that usually gets him going - ed). I swear, if Gail and Joe had gone all 'nautical' again on the HMS Love Boat parked in her driveway (steady as she goes, sailor - ed), I would have lost it.

Fortunately, the counterpoint to all this hanky panky is Tony and Roy. Now that Tony is back to his old self, he is taking the bull by the horns and threatening Roy. So far, so good. But just how will Tonemeister try to  do the dirty deed. Just off the top of my head, I would wager that Roy may:
 - accidentally get run over by a 'woody'
-  get attacked by a flock of bats
-  get hit on the head with Roberts Rules of Order at the next Weatherfield Historical Society meeting

-  fall down the quarry while creating a habitat for a crested newt
- accidentally fall into the deep fryer while making chips
- find himself wearing a lead anorak in the canal

Roy's Roles

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 31 episode on CBC

Roy Cropper has many talents (train spotting, toilet roll replacement, fastest full English in the North etc etc). More to the point, on the Street, he is the touchstone of civility, knowledge and fair play. So what's he up to with Tony (besides getting wet)?

Well, it seems that Roy is playing two distinct roles. First, through sheer coincidence and luck, Roy happened to be by Tony's bedside in the ICU when Tone decided to make a deathbed confession.This puts Roy in the position of confessor, reluctantly hearing Tony admit that he killed Liam.

Second, it seems that Roy then took it upon himself to play the role of Tony's conscience (it's a tough job but someone's got to do it - ed). That unenviable task seems to involve ringing Maria's doorbell every five minutes, sitting on the Maxine Peacock memorial bench, standing outside in the rain at night (couldn't he at least use an umbrella? - ed) and yelling at Anna Windass (well at least there are some perks! - ed).


So far, so good but one thing puzzles me.I understand Roy's actions, but why is Tony reacting this way? Since when does he listen to his conscience (since his conscience has a manwife? - ed). Why has Tony has given Roy so much latitude and allowed himself to be terrorized by the Spectre of the Anorak™.  It doesn't really fit with TG's mcmodus operandi. Why wouldn't Mr. Gordon just look up Jimmy's number and give Jimster a dingle on the cellphone? Bingo bango and before you can say 'Weatherfield Historical Society', Cropper comes a cropper... if you know what I mean. Distasteful? Yes, but distasteful is what Tony does best.

Oh, and, a message to Joe McIntyre: SELL THE DAMN BOAT! (Sorry, I just had to get it out of my system)

I killed Liam

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 23 episode on CBC

"Helloo Royston Cropper! I'm so glad you could come visit me in the hospital after my braveheart attack. Maria, my love, could you move over and let this wonderful man in an anorak sit down at my bedside so I can have a wee chat. In fact, Maria my sweetmeat, I'm a tad peckish. Could you possibly pop out and get me and Roy something tasty to eat. I'd love a little home cooking. An Egg McMuffin, you say? Sounds delish and just what the doctor ordered. Bye, my love!

Good, we're alone, just you: Roy and me: Tony. Let's talk freely like two old chums. By the way, how's your lovely manwife? Guid? Guid. Well, enough small talk. Look, Roy, when I said 'I killed Liam', you must realize that I was talking metaphorically. After all, in some or another, didn't we all kill Liam? Aren't we all in some way responsible for the well being of our fellow man? After all, as they say, ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

Or, perhaps I was talking about my comedy routine. You see I do this very funny Scottish joke about a rabbi, a haggis and a single malt. When Liam heard this, he couldn't stop laughing so, in a sense, I 'killed' Liam with my very funny stand-up routine.

I think that clears up any misunderstanding and, just to show my heart's in the right place (i.e. my bare chest), let me write you a big fat cheque for your favourite charity: Bats Unlimited. Shall we say £5,000? No. let's make it £10,000 and I'll throw in a box of knickers from Underworld. I'm glad we could have this little chat, aren't you?"

Heart to heart

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 18 episode on CBC

This is the first I've heard about Tony's dodgy heart but, at any rate, due to the most unusual circumstances, ol Tone finds himself in the ICU of Weatherfield General with the one and only Roy Cropper at his bedside providing 'comfort' as only Roy knows how. What will transpire between these two mighty men? We can only guess, but I think it could go something like this:

Tony: I have a confession to make

Roy: You're attracted to Hayley?

Tony: No, man, it's not about your lovely manwife. I did something very bad.

Roy: I know. You jeopardized the well being of some endangered bats.A species which could have suffered irreparable damage if their delicate ecosystem had been destroyed by urbanization.


Tony: Och, no, man not the bloody bats. Something worse

Roy: Ah yes, the manufacture and sales of sub-standard undergarments at exorbitant prices. Hayley, my manwife, has described in great detail the multiple shortcomings of this moribund enterprise which I believe is neither ISO 9000 nor indeed ISO 14000 certified...

Tony: No, man, not that. For guidness sake, stop your twittering and listen. There was this speeding car and.....

Roy: Ah yes, say no more. I'm well aware of the deleterious carbon emissions of your current motorized vehicle. You no doubt regret not purchasing a more environmentally responsible conveyance, perhaps a Prius or some other hybrid automobile. 

Tony: Oh Guid God! Go get Janice Battersby...
 

Tony: try texting

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 10 episode on CBC

Tony, Tony, Tony, what are you doing? You're holding up the christening of Liam Jr. simply because you've got a high level meeting with Jimmy. Everyone's getting antsy in the church - especially Helen. But all this could be avoided if Tony would simply use text messaging to communicate with Jimmy. That way, Tone could be sitting in the church with Maria while using his cellphone or Blackberry to converse with his favourite hitman. I think the text messaging conversation would go something like this:

Tony: Jimmy, M8. Need u 2 do a hit :-)

Jimmy: R U Crazee. No way :-||

Tony: U hav 2. cmon. it's EZ.

Jimmy: Y? Who is it?

Tony: Carla. She's bak & bad nuz 4 us

Jimmy: U do it then.

Tony: Hang on. Gotta renounce Satan BRB

Jimmy: U r on yr own, Tony

Tony: W8 a sec. Gotta lite a friggin candle here...

Jimmy: anyway my hoodies @ the dry cleaners. No can do.

Tony: pls or we r both dun 4

Jimmy: Oh ok. When?

Tony: wats guid 4 u?

Jimmy: 2day cud work.

Tony: Gr8! C U L8R.

***

Thanks so much for your comments. In talking about Barry and Helen's grieving , I had forgotten all about Dean who, as one reader pointed out, also died in a car crash. I believe Dean was Michelle's husband (correct me if I'm wrong) and adds to a tragic legacy of fatal car crashes involving the Connor males. Also, another sage reader, voiced chagrin ('groan' to be exact) over yesterday's post. Point taken.

Kirk's Sister

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 4 episode on CBC

Well, you can put away the DNA test and cancel that call to CSI because, if there was ever any doubt that Maria is actually related to Kirk, it was proven beyond a shadow of a doubt when our Maria decided to announce her engagement to Tony -- to Liam's horrified, grieving mother and father, while sipping champagne on the one-year anniversary of Liam's death.

As Audrey might say: "What were you thinking, lovey?"

Talk about a bonehead Sutherland move. Yes, it's true that Barry and Helen can be a little hard to take, but, they are, after all, still struggling with the loss of their second son. And, especially on the anniversary of his death, it might have been a good idea to keep things a little low key and not rub their noses in it by having Tony around. Would it kill Maria to keep Tony on the back-burner for 72 hours ? (I like the idea of Tony on a back-burner - ed)

Then, of course, there's Tony himself, proposing to Maria on the anniversary of Liam's death in front of the gravestone at the cemetery and then topping it off with a nice bottle of bubbly (Cuvee Tactless 1993). As Helen says: "What exactly are you celebrating?" Hey, Tony, why not go all the way and put on a Tony Gordon mask while you're at it?

The only other possible explanation for Tony's lamentable behavior is that this is all part of some sick, twisted, revenge plot (see Tony Theory, part 1 & 2). Maria, on the other hand, well I guess it just runs in the family.

All eyes on Tony

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 2 episode on CBC

Oh oh, I don't like the look of this (pork scratchings after their best-buy date? - ed). Tony is reluctantly leaving Maria's place to "give her more space" and get away from the Connor inlaws (Helen & Barry). Geez, the way Tone is acting, you'd think Helen had wanted HIM to wear the Connor Christening gown (he certainly looks good in a flowing robe - but the holy water in the baptism font would certainly burn him - ed) .

Anyway, after jousting with 'Helen of Killjoy' over just about everything, Tony has had enough. He canna take no more and he jumps into his car to take a mini-break at his own place. Except, all this talk about 'Liam the First' seems to be getting on his nerves. As he pulls away, he's got that look in his eyes -- you know the look (glazed eyes, maniacal stare, evil focus? That's my Tony! - ed).

This can only mean one thing (the Scotch egg he had for brekkie gave him indigestion? - ed). It won't be long before ol' Tonemeister looks for the henchman's phone number on his cellphone speed dial. ("Hello, you've reached Jimmy. Press '1' to leave a message, press '2' if you want to make an appointment for an MOT inspection, press '3' if want me to 'knock off' someone. Thanks and have a good day.")

Questions abound. Who will be the target of Tony's ire this time? How many Connors can he dispense with before people become suspicious? Has Maria learned how to spell 'murder' correctly? Will Ryan's band play 'Hallelejuah' at the Christening? Will Tony have one of those nasty dizzy spells while they're playing? Will I stop asking annoying questions? (Yes).

name game

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 21 episode on CBC

So, Maria has finally done it (slept with Tony? - ed). Her nine-month odyssey is over (learning how to spell 'murder'? - ed). Now comes the hard part (trying not to get killed by a psycho-Scot? - ed). She has to come up with an appropriate name for her new sprog. Maybe the name will be inspired by the unusual circumstances of the birth? Or her late husband? Or her new Scot? We can only guess what her list of baby names looks like:

Son of a Beach
Sandy
George Sand
Eddie Shack (named after the shed where the baby was born)
Right Said Shed
911
Ocean
L-I-am
New Wave
Tony Gordon II
Tony
Gordon
Ozzy Osbairn (Tony's suggestion)
Liam Tony Gordon Sutherland
Kirk the Second

MSG

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 6 episode on CBC

MSG? It's short for Maria Sutherland-Gordon. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Really makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up (not to mention the hair on your back and your palms - ed). What's going on anyway chez Maria? Tony and Maria are busy playing 'happy families' and it's turning my stomach (poor Ozzy, he has to watch and can't say a word - ed).

There's psycho-killer turned happy househusband Tony Gordon giving the wee table a rubdown with grandma's sporran, stirring porridge with a spurtle (pardon? - ed) and tsk tsking at Maria's empty fridge. Remember that this is the same house in which Tony Gordon once locked Maria and terrorized her. Now they're acting like JayZ and Beyonce. And all that cutesy couple banter is starting to make me ill. Wasn't this the same Maria that was convinced Tony was a killer? Wasn't this the same Maria that painted Murder (Muder, actually - ed) across the factory wall?

Meanwhile, no-one seems to be too concerned that Tonemeister has moved into Maria's abode. Where are the gossips? The wagging tongues? Where's Norris, when you need him?(I guess there's a first time for everything - ed). Of course, I do have my own theories about Tony but I can't figure out Maria's behaviour. True, she does share certain, shall we say, genetic commonalities with Kirkie (eh? - ed) but surely she can divine the fact that Tony Gordon is one creepy dude. Just wait until he starts applying that magical lavender essence around her neck... er I mean shoulders.

The Carla Conundrum

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 8 episode on CBC

An astute reader made an interesting comment about the noticeably absent Carla Connor and what she's playing at. In particular, why didn't Carla ring the local cop shop (1-800-DCWeller? - ed) after learning the full extent of Tony's pernicious deeds?

Instead Cruella (or 'Morticia' if you're Janice Battersby - ed) took the first plane to Los Angeles and is now incommunicado (Is that near Malibu? - ed) presumably spending her time with an old friend and learning the difference between 'crisps and 'chips'. Her instructions are funneled via a lawyer. So what's her game?

Well, here's what we know:
1. She appointed the very fit Luke Strong to act on her behalf with respect to her interests in Underworld.
2. She gave Luke the option to buy out her interest in Underworld and, in fact, encouraged Luke to exercise that option - which he did.
3. She gave her share of Ladrags to Maria.

Also, bear in mind that Carla is the only person with a fairly complete overview of Tony's misdeeds. She interviewed both Jimmy (Tony's nervous associate and driver of the car which killed Liam) and Jed Stone. She heard Tony's confession in total and she knows that he's a psycho nutbar.

Is it possible that Carla simply wants to get away from Tony and Underworld and start over in the land of the Superbowl? Unlikely. After all, Tony killed Liam, the man she dearly loved. I think Carla has a game plan to deal with Tony but it hasn't played out yet. I also suspect that Luke is a pivotal part of that plan. Maybe he isn't who he says he is (i.e. just an old friend of Carla who knew Paul Connor). Maybe Luke's been charged with a more 'extensive' mandate (make a deep-fried Mars Bar using Tony as the Mars Bar? - ed)

There's definitely something about Luke. For one thing, his modus operandi is a little odd. First he shows up as Carla's representative. Then, later on, he decides to buy out Carla's stake in Underworld. Then, later on, he decides to fire Tony. Why didn't Luke do all of that in one fell swoop? He's like a magician doing a 'slow reveal' and keeping Tony constantly off balance. Then, right at the beginning of Friday's episode, Luke says to himself (in a Scottish accent no less) something along the lines of: "... it wasn't me. I wasn’t there."

Curiouser and curiouser. My guess is that Luke's got more tricks up his sleeve...

Tony's Therapy

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the January 11 episode on CBC

Let's see: his name is Tony, he's a villain and he's having panic or anxiety attacks (not to mention a legover with the fair Natasha, grrr - ed). Tony Soprano? No, Tony Gordon, but you'd be forgiven for spotting the similarities. Moreover, I'm thinking that, like Mr. Soprano, Tony Gordon may need to visit a shrink (you mean cognitive therapist? - ed) to help him deal with his panic attacks. If Tony does visit a registered psychotherapist (on the NHS? - ed), I think it might go something like this:

Therapist: Mr. Gordon, how can I help you?

TG: Well, doctor, I seem to be having these panic attacks. You know blurred vision, tightness in the chest, difficulty breathing and so on.

Therapist: I see. And why do you think you're having these attacks?

TG: Well, I don't know.

Therapist: Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself.

TG: Not much to tell really. I'm from the Glaswegian region. Born with a silver sporron in my mouth. Entrepreneur. Self made man. Aim to retire with bags o' cash. Like a wee dram now and then. Married, but my wife left me recently and I had a legover with a fit hairdresser yesterday and cried.

Therapist: Anything else?

TG: Not really. I did arrange to have my wife's lover killed. Tried to strangle an old man with substandard lingerie. Got rid of some endangered bats from a building site. Forged cheques. Tried to sabotage Kevin Webster's garage and hired a private detective to get some dirt on my new business partner. You know, the usual stuff.

Therapist: And how do you feel about that?

TG: Pretty guid, except about the bats. That was wrong.

Therapist: I see. Well I'm afraid we're going to have to stop there. we're out of time. We'll continue next week...

Tony Theory pt 2

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

Ah yes, Tony Gordon, my old nemesis. Let's continue to get into the head of Corrie's most fascinating villain (hey, what about Len Windass? - ed). My theory is that Tony hasn't changed or mellowed or repented his evil ways.

That's because I think one of defining moments of his life was when he took his revenge on poor Lisa Worthington. In case you don't remember the story, let me reprise the key points.

Lisa was Tony's head of sales but it turns out that she was having an affair with Tony's biggest competitor, Richard Shaw. So Tony told Lisa's husband, a rugby player, who 'sorted' Mr. Shaw. Shaw's wife also got a call which resulted in a divorce which was very expensive for Richard Shaw, which subsequently allowed Tony to buy Shaw's business for a song.

"By that time Lisa was working for him so I got the pleasure of sacking her as well." says Tony.
"Don't mess about you, do you?" says Maria
"She betrayed me."

Now, if we use this pivotal story as a template for Tony's modus operandi, we can see that Tony's objective is nothing more than total annihilation of his enemy. It's simple. Liam was his enemy. Tony killed Liam, then devastated Carla by telling her what he did and why. Now he's currying favour with Maria. What would be a more complete and total revenge against Liam than for Tony to get real 'chummy' with Maria, the grieving widow of the man he hates?
I know it's yucky but I can't help thinking Tony's capable of anything.

Or am I just being too cynical and too Machiavellian? (who's that? one of Jack's pigeons - ed).

The Tony Theory part 1

note: no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

Well dear Hip readers (more like Hip 'waders' - ed), life goes on - especially on the Street where the action continues apace ('apace' ? give me 'abreak' - ed). Last week, I alluded to my theory about Tony and finally it's time to expand (Is that why you ate an entire box of Quality Street? - ed).

First, it's important to underline to Canadian viewers that I don't deal in spoilers and never would. On those rare occasions when I have accidentally happened upon a spoiler while doing research (establishing definitive number of Bet Lynch's cigarette holders? - ed), I have kept it to myself and suffered the consequences (Who knew that Janice would turn out to be a skiver? -ed).

That said, my thoughts about Tony are pure conjecture based on his past and my inherent distrust of a sociopath. (Question: What's the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath? Answer: Ask Richard Hillman - ed). I don't think he's changed. I don't think he's remorseful and I don't think he's become all sensitive - even though he seems forlorn without Carla and is being 'nice ' to Maria.

I have two reasons for thinking that he hasn't changed.

Number One is his staff decimation policy (Note from HR to Julie Carp: pick a hapless factory worker and fire them for no reason. Thanks.). What's that all about? Only a nutbar does stuff like that for no ostensible reason.

Still not convinced? I have more. Cast your mind back, way back to that little spa weekend which Tony arranged for Carla, Liam, Maria and himself. Now, think back to that little story Tony recounted about his revenge on a disloyal worker, Lisa Worthington, which he termed one of his "finest triumphs". I think that provides a big clue as to how our Tony will proceed in the weeks ahead. I'll finish the thought tomorrow and then you can judge for yourself. Until then, don't go into Underworld if it's dark and Tony has lingerie...

Truthin' Tony

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the November 25 episode on CBC

Goodness knows, I'd like to talk about the Windass baking book or Janice's fervent desire to be a nurse (can you smoke on the job? - ed), Vicki's mom or even Steve & Lloyd (Canada's Steven & Chris? - ed), but the predominant story continues to be Carla and Tony's marathon face-off in the deserted knicker factory (the Corrie version of 'My Dinner with André' - ed).

You have to hand it to Carla, she is one gusty babe. I wouldn't have the tamales to go mano-a-womano with Tony. But then Carla is tough and she's also got a lot of 'truthin' (copyright, Nancy Sinatra from 'These boots are made for walkin' - ed) of her own to do about her love of Liam.
And she doesn't hold back either when she compares Tony to Liam the Great, "He [Liam] tasted better than you. He walked better than you. He talked better than you. He was better in bed than you."

Ouch.

...but was she a partner in Ladrags?

But Tony's got a few barbs of his own, "He [Liam] was like the third person in our marriage. Camilla Parker Bowles had nothing on him."

(Well, maybe a few more ciggies and a couple more G&Ts, but I get the idea)

So, everyone lets everything hang out. But what happens now, now that this terrible truth is out there.
Couples counselling? (I'm afraid that's all the time we have today, we'll pick up on the murder next time.")
A call to DC Weller ? (convenient and she certainly won't need a GPS, since she's been to the Street so often)
Another job for Jimmy? ("okay, but this is definitely the last time, Tony")

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Law & Order, SVU

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the November 24 episode on CBC

...and by SVU, I mean Scottish Victims Unit (stop mctypecasting my people - ed). You've got to hand it to Carla Connor. She makes Sherlock Holmes look like Inspector Clouseau (if Sherlock Holmes was a hot fox - ed). It took Maria, several weeks, a trip to Cyprus, a can of paint and a spelling error ('muder' most foul - ed) to sniff out Tony's evil deeds but Carla spends 24 hours on the case and she's almost got the whole thing figured out.

I like to think she's been taking my advice from a previous post but maybe she just has the 'killer' instinct. Look at her productivity. She makes one quick visit to Wigan (is there such a thing? - ed) to see Jed Stone. A few pints and a mixed grill later, she knows that Tony's been terrorizing the old man and even sees the marks around his neck (Jed likes his negligees to fit snugly - ed).

Two days later, Carla is back on the case, this time having a chat with the mulit-tasking garage mechanic and enigmatic Jimmy (garage slogan: we specialize in lubrication and intimidation). Now Carla has almost put together the pieces but she has forgotten two important things:

1. A bulletproof alibi so as not to arouse Tony's suspicions
2. An 'insurance' policy, i.e. a companion or witness to deter Tony from inflicting bodily harm.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be in an empty knicker factory with Tony (even with double overtime? - ed). Oh well, maybe Ed Windass will show up at an opportune moment with some cakes. We can only hope...

pigeon condos

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 27 episode on CBC

I'm getting a little nervous. (then stop watching Battle of the Blades - ed). There's a mysterious confluence of circumstances going on which bothers me (Steve getting knackered from too much sex? - ed). Aunty Pam needs to buy Jack a new pigeon coop. That's because her biofuelishness led to the disastrous explosion which destroyed the old coop. The problem is Aunty Pam can't afford to buy Jack a new coop because she's skint. In fact, she can't even work because, in her own words, her injured hand is "all to cock" (absolutely no comment - ed).

Hmm. What a dilemma. Now, normally when a rundown property is in need of a cash infusion for redevelopment, a property developer gets involved. He sees the chance to rebuild and a chance to make a tidy sum replacing grotty flats with new luxury accommodations with all the mod cons. Usually these developers are greedy, crass wheeler-dealers with no conscience and big fat envelopes of money.

Can you see where I'm going with this? That's right. I wouldn't be surprised if corporate titan, Tony Gordon, doesn't sniff out this opportunity (easy enough given the smell in the Duckworth's backyard - ed) and redevelop that pigeon coop, re-branding it as a 'luxury pigeon condo project'. Upwardly mobile pigeons (I thought all pigeons were upwardly mobile? - ed) will 'flock' to the site of the new 'Victoria Coop' to get a look at the model suite, before 'dropping' a bundle to get first dibs on these swanky cubbyholes.

Of course, Tony would have to check with his accountant before committing to such a project. And, I have a feeling that Giles might be skeptical. He might even say that this one is strictly for the.. um.. birds. (I think I need a bottle of 'Avian' after that one - ed)