The 10-point plan

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 29 episode on CBC

The irrepressible, neanderthalesque Tom called it a "ten point plan for oblivion". He was talking about Tony's stag 'do' and, as it gets underway at Roy's Rolls, it has all the earmarks of a wild and crazy day. (In sharp contrast, you can hear the crickets above the stony silence at Carla's hen party). Tony's bachelor festival is brimming with close, personal acquaintances on the Street (I had no idea that Ryan and Tony were such mates) But strangely no family members or actual friends are at the event. Hmm. No matter, the ten-point plan has been launched and I imagine it goes something like this:

1. Put on Tony Gordon masks and t-shirts

2. Take turns ringing Kevin's doorbell and pretending to be Tony. (Lloyd, Dev & Tom accidentally get punched in the face)

3. Breakfast at Roy's Rolls then everyone goes over to the factory, wearing the masks, and takes turns telling Janice she's fired. (Ryan, Jason & Tom accidentally get punched in the face)

4. More ale & champagne

5. Pouting contest (Liam's idea). Whoever sulks the longest wins. Liam wins. To celebrate his victory, he sulks some more. No-one can figure out when the contest is over. (Tom accidentally gets punched in the face)

6. More ale

7. Paintballing. The group divides into two teams: 'Tony's Tigers' & 'Liam's Layabouts'

8. More ale

9. Kirk is rushed to the hospital as paramedics wonder how anyone can accidentally shoot themselves in the back of the head - with their own paintball gun - while wearing a Tony Gordon mask.

10. Tony and Liam challenge each other to a paintball duel. First person to put primer and a satin finish latex on the other, wins.

***

shots from the hip.... thanks for the encouraging comments. Much appreciated. Drop by tomorrow as I unveil a fake excerpt from Blanche's diary (since she's nowhere to be found on the street I have no choice but to imagine what she might think of current goings on). Cheers.

Liam the love zombie

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 28 episode on CBC

Remember when Carla managed to insinuate herself back into Liam's life by secretly investing in his new company? For the bargain price of £50,000, she got part ownership in a budding t-shirt company ('Sad rags'? - ed) and an opportunity to torture Liam - all at the same time.

So what was she thinking? That she would be able to turn Liam on and off like a water fountain on Bessie Street? Bad idea. Liam has transformed from a dark, sullen, brooding fellow into an even more dark, sullen brooding fellow. We don't know exactly why or how, but he has become a single-minded robot, a love zombie and his caveman mantra seems to be: 'me want Carla, must have Carla!' (Must be taking elocution lessons from Terry Duckworth - ed). Carla's little teasefest is now completely out of control.

"Why are you doing this?" asks Carla when Liam pops over to get an eyeful (and more) of the tasty bride while the Tonester is out for the night.
"Because I'm sick and tired of trying not to," replies Liam with that now-familiar Tim Horton trademark glazed look in his eyes.

After Carla 'clip clops' across the room in her heels to remove her bridal outerwear, the twosome have it off and manage to finish up their horizontal hijinks mere moments before Tony shows up - sick to his stomach with rage and resentment (either that or he ate a dodgy hotpot - ed). I thought it was impossible, but I even felt a twinge of sympathy for Tony. Not only did he have to endure the inane ramblings of clueless Tom ("Tony, chillax, yeah") at the Rovers but he is about to get married to the woman who's having it off with her late-husband's brother. Yowsa!

Meanwhile, Maria can't catch a break. As winner of the 'Charlie Stubb's bit on the side' award, you'd think she would deserve better and yet there she is sitting alone listening to Adele on the radio singing 'Chasing Pavements'. What happens next? Well, according to Tom, Tony's bachelor party is supposed to be a "10 point plan for oblivion" and Michelle thinks it would be a grand idea to have the hen party and the stag party get together. I don't like the sound of this. Worlds will collide and people, including Carla, will almost certainly get hurt.

designing women

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 25 episode on CBC

Two designing women are stealing the show on Coronation Street these days with their manipulative skills, raw sexuality and devious ways (Emily Bishop & Rita Sullivan? -ed).

On one corner of the Street, Carla Connor (aka Cruella de Connor or Carla de vil) is 'having her way' with Liam is a most evil way. Poor old Liam has already paid dearly to extricate himself from her clutches. He sold his stake in the factory for mere pennies to Tony, the professional business predator, in order to get away from Carlissima and make a fresh start with Maria. But alas, Liam's quiet life of pubbing and babymaking is torn asunder once more when his hapless business partner, Tom, 'gets into bed' with Carla (surely a metaphor-ed) in order to secure a business deal with a t-shirt manufacturer in America. For the bargain price of 50,000 pounds, Carla is able to get back into Liam's life and make him miserable, uncomfortable and turned on - all at the same time. "Gotcha", she says.

Then there's Nina, or as Vernon calls her: '99 Luftballoons' (ixnay on the German - ed). Here's another designing woman at work. The Bollywood Beauty swans into Dev's corner shop (sorry, I mean signature food emporium) any time she wants just to keep the Devster firmly wrapped around her little ring-encrusted finger. Only Nina could walk into a grotty corner store, ignore the 300 year-old cans of Spam and expired packets of Peek Freans digestives, and say, "I'm scintillating." After Nina cancels a date with Dev, the paramour (or 'Devamour' as Vernon calls him) goes outside to drown his disappointment by putting a few golf balls into a glass jar on the street (Must be just like St. Andrew's on a spring morning). Chalk up another victory for another designing woman.

Gotcha again.

Enjoy the weekend and the Sunday omnibus. See you next Tuesday.