Tony Gordon It's Friday: the High and Dry edition

please note this post makes reference to the September 27 episode on CBC

Well, well, if that Dave isn't a fine specimen of English manhood in its prime, I don't know what is. And, now that Beth has given him a Guinness shampoo, I believe he's available. Ladies, don't all call  at once (collect, 'natch - ed), there's plenty of Dave to go round (unfortunately - ed).  Please line up to the right of the sheepskin rug -- and take a peek at this week's round up of some of the memorable lines from your favourite show as we unveil yet another TGIF (Tony Gordon, It's Friday). Let's do it:

Gloria recounts her wild days in Spain with her paramour:
"Sometimes me and Cliff spent all day in our appartment au naturel"

(Whatever that is, it ain't natural)

Gloria tells Gail about her exceptional cleaning abilities:

"You've never seen a Spanish bottom"

(what a bummer)


Lloyd tells Dev the acronoym for the band, Oldham Funk Outfit
"OFO"

(O NO)

Gail suggests to Nick a word for killing his grandmother in law

"Gloricide?"

(a job for the Special Victims Unit no doubt)

Beth is showing Fiz photos of her online dating beaus:

"I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for dropping bread crumbs"

(sounds like an economical bed and breakfast) 


Gail discovers the name of the dry cleaners where Gloria worked:
"High and Dry"

 (looks like the Pain in Spain worked mainly on the Stains)   


Cliff recounts how Gloria burned down the dry cleaners:
"Word soon gets around you’re a suspected arsonist"

(yes, I imagine it spreads like wild fire)


Cliff describes to Gail his passion for Gloria
"She’s a total fantasist, I rather like that"

(too much information) 


Tommy to Tina regarding her plans for surrogacy:
"Your biological clock must be ticking faster I thought"

 (It's on EST - Eastern Surrogate Time)

Beth brags about her irresistible feminine wiles: 

"I'm basically a man magnet"
(yeah, she tends to attract guys with metal plates in their head)


Beth tries to chat with Dave:

"Where do you see yourself in ten years time?" 
(in jail?)


Dave proposes that he and Beth have a bit of action on a rug:
"It’s a nice sheepskin rug. It's not real but it looks it "
(you're still talking about the rug, right?)


Dave confronts Kirk who comes to the rescue of Beth:
"Local asylum’s been let out has it ?"

(yes, but that's beside the point)

***

Well, lovers of Corrie, it looks like Kirk has a soft spot... er.. for Beth. It also looks like Gloria's past isn't as exciting as she would have us believe. And, Rita seems suitably shocked by Tina's willingness to be a surrogate.  Also, Lloyd seems to be on the verge of yet another unrequited love. To paraphrase Barry Manilow: "Oh Mandy". Have a great weekend and I'll see you all next week here at Blanche's Polish Hip. Cheers!

TGIF: the sticky toffee pudding edition

please note this post makes reference to the Sept 20 episode on CBC

It looks like the "toy boy" gene has been passed down from Deirdre (with Samir) to Tracy (with Ryan). Charles Darwin would be proud to see unnatural selection taking place right before his eyes. As for the toy boys themselves, well, just think of it as the survival of the fittest - and let's face it, Ryan is fit (if not thick also - ed). But enough about evolution and genetics, let's get to Tony Gordon It's Friday (or TGIF), our weekly homage to some of the memorable lines:

Gloria happens upon Ken who is wearing his trademark kimono:
"What a smashing robe!"

(yes, he got it from a thespian ex-lover in a barge on the canal)

Gloria meets Ken the next morning:

"I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on"

(you'd be surprised how many times someone's said that)

Rita has had enough of Tommy and Tina:
"The pair of you have less sense than a rocking horse"

(that's an insult to the rocking horse community)

Gloria trumpets her progressive attitudes:

"People do say I have a warm, gay friendly aura"

(oh, so that's what it is)


Gloria tells Stella the facts about men:
"Any man, given the opportunity, because of the randy, weak-willed pigs they are, will take it."

(hard to argue with that)

Gloria again:

"A relationship isn't just time served, its hard graft and even harder for a woman of your age and bust size"

(in other words, to keep a man, Stella will have to either increase her bust size or get younger - or both)

Steve (like Michelle) is nauseous at the sight of Ryan and Tracy canoodling:
"I pukey"

(and We Pukey too)

Tracy reacts to Steve who is vacuuming during Ryan and Tracy's date:

"Only mad people Hoover on a Sunday night"

(Apparently King George III did it every week)


Deirdre warns Ken that he is in danger of not participating in a gastronomic event:

"You're going to miss me stuffed marrow"

(Don't worry, I'm sure it will show up on Google Maps)

Deirdre, seeing Tracy and Ryan, reminisces about her own romances:

"I used to have a toy boy"

(please, not while we're eating sticky toffee pudding)


Deirdre again:
"Tracy's got one of his kidneys"

(Dear God, I hope she means a transplant)

***

Well, dear punters and punterettes, it's the end of another week and, surprise, surprise, Tommy and Tina are in further in debt. Kirsty has had a baby. Gloria is hitting her stride. The Armstrong/Windass surrogacy plan may be in jeopardy. And Tracy's toy boy scheme is still going strong. It's been quite a week. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your comments. It's been a treat having you visit and I'll meet you here next week for more mithering from the Hip. Cheers and have a great weekend. 

Overcrowding at Weatherfield General Hospital?

please note this post makes reference to the Sept 19 episode on CBC

Have you noticed how busy Weatherfield Hospital has been lately?

And I'm not talking about all the regular punters - just the volume of Coronation Street patients checking in and out of the Les Battersby Wing for Horizontal Care.

Right now, Kirsty the Terrible is occupying the maternity room while the doctors check her back for pub-fight related injuries (Tina got a bum spinal rap - ed).

Just a few days ago, it was Tommy Duckworth occupying the Gail Platt Recovery Room after crashing his pizza delivery van (apparently he was doing 40 miles an hour in a Cal zone - ed).

Before that, it was Ryan Connor admitted to the Punter Center for Head Trauma after Rob conked him on the noggin with an industrial stapler (next time, use a paper clip - ed). And, before that, it was Tracy in a life and death struggle due to a massive infection (her kidney was at stake - ed).

I just hope the Weatherfield healthcare providers can handle the strain on the system.

Age + Bust Size = Man Attractiveness

please note this post makes reference to the September 17 episode on CBC

New research unveiled by Stella Price's mother concludes that a woman's ability to catch and keep a man depends almost entirely upon two crucial factors: age and bust size.

The surprising conclusions follow several years of studies in Spain involving women of varying ages and endowments.  In almost all cases, according to Gloria Price, the loss of a man can be attributed solely to a small bust and advancing years - or a lethal combination.

In some cases, according to Professor Price, breast enlargement can help but it is the total bust size divided by age (or the 'bustage coefficient' as it's called by Gloria Price) that ultimately determines man attractiveness. For example, a woman with a 36 inch bust and an age of 41 has a 'Bustage Coefficent of 0.87 - just enough to keep a man like Karl.

However, a woman with a 34 inch bust and an age of 46 has a 'Bustage Coefficient' of 0.73, which, as Gloria told Stella, is too low to hang onto a man, even a sub-standard man like Karl.

Gloria Price plans to publish her complete findings on the wall of the ladies' room in the Rovers.

Coronation Street Sept 17 schedule change reminder

If you haven't already done so, now is a good time to change your recording devices in advance of the new Coronation Street schedule which begins on Monday September 17.

FYI, here's what it says on the CBC website:

 

"As of September 17, 2012

Coronation Street moves again but remains a half-hour in length.

 

20:00 local Nfld

19:30 MT/18:30 PT North

19:30 local rest of country"

And, as of Friday's episode, I believe we were just 13 days behind the UK Corrie timeline.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the ugly vase edition

please note this post makes reference to the Sept 13 episode on CBC

I don't know about you, but if I were Beth I'd be pleased if anyone would want to date Craig. Not that he and his pet rat don`t make a handsome pair. In fact, I think one of the great unexploited story lines would have been if Craig had developed a crush on Tracy (while Beth and Tracy were sharing lodgings).

But, as usual, I digress. Let`s get back to that ugly vase which Paul has brought into Eileen's house (it looks like a salt shaker from an S&M club - ed) and the inevitable TGIF or Tony Gordon It`s Friday, our round up of memorable lines from the past week:

Tyrone tells everyone in the Rovers about Tommy's drug exploits and Kevin is surprised:
"Have you been shifting drugs through my garage?"

(why, was that wrong?)


Tina is still raging on about Kirsty:

"That woman is a monster"

(although, to be fair, Tracy also fits that description)


Sean asks Eileen about the couch (belonging to Paul's late wife) which has been brought into the house:

"Does that mean that you and him are going to have a kiss and a cuddle on dead Leslie's sofa"

(not if you put it like that)

Jason has a frank appraisal of the memorabilia which Paul has placed on the table:

"That vase is rank"

(Antiques Roadshow certainly won't be calling any time soon)

Jason again with another gem:
"Isn't all wine French?"

(Non)


Karl gives Dev the big picture regarding his employment situation:
"Just lost me job like millions of other people"

(yes, but in your case it was because you were playing away)


Steve explains the ways of his ex-wife and mother of Amy:
"Tracy is the cupid of hate"

(look out for her arrows)

Sunita doesn't like Karl's job-hunting plans:

"Why does everything you do sound so dodgy?"

(because it usually is)

***

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that wraps up another week on the Street. Please remember that the Coronation Street schedule changes on Monday September 17, when the show moves to its new time slot: 7:30 pm in the East. Please check you local listings for the channel and time in your area. Thanks for stopping by and have a great weekend.

Is Steve McDonald travelling back in time?

please note this post makes reference to the Sept 12 episode on CBC

So Steverino now loves Michelle... again?

I'm perplexed (see a doctor - ed). Steve's love life is a wild and crazy roller coaster ride at the best of times but, as far as I can tell, he seems to be travelling backwards in time (That's LST, Legover Standard Time - ed).

Let's see if we can keep track. He was in love with Tracy until he rediscovered her evilness. Then he was in love with Becky in absentia. Now he's back in love with Michelle. Let me extrapolate (not in public, please -ed). By my calculations, it's only a matter of time before he will revert to being in love with Kelly Crabtree (one night only, I'm afraid) then Ronnie Clayton (former cab driver and gangster's wife).

Then he'll be back in love with Karen ('Barren Karen' as she was known by the tactful Tracy), then Tracy, then Karen again and finally he'll be back together with upper class la di da heiress Vicky (grandaughter of former pub owner Alec Gilroy).

I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it.

Karl Munro's Curriculum Vitae

this post makes reference to the Sept 7 episode on CBC

Poor Karl's still looking for a job and Sunita's getting impatient. Well, with his impressive resume, Karl shouldn't have too much of a problem, should he?

KARL MUNRO
Curriculum Vitae

professional, dynamic self-starter with experience in the knicker, taxi and pub industry seeking senior level employment in order to make some dosh.

Work experience:

Logistics Transport Specialist - Underworld
Responsible for ensuring that boxes of knickers are delivered to customers according to schedule. Got fired because of one little cock-up that wasn't my fault.

Customer Service Chaffeur - Streetcars
Responsible for ensuring that customers receive prompt, courteous and safe service. Got fired cause I did the dirty on Stella. Again, not my fault.

Pub Associate - Rovers Return
Responsible for provision and serving of fine ales and spirits to assorted punters. Reason for dismissal? (please see above)


Interests & Hobbies:
gambling, legovers, big screen TVs, football memorabilia, Chinese smoke detectors.


References:
some guy named Tez.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: The August in Weatherfield edition

please note this post makes reference to the Sept 6 episode on CBC

Did you notice on last night's episode when someone mentioned that it was August? That's just a couple of weeks ago! Ladies and gentlemen, never before in the history of Coronation Street have Canadians been so close to the actual timeline of the show in the UK. Thank you CBC. Just for this, I promise to watch 'One on One with Peter Mansbridge' (now with more turtlenecks! - ed).

Of course, we are now back to 2.5 hours a week of Corrie. Let us thus extract some of the more memorable lines with a little something we like to call Tony Gordon It's Friday or TGIF. Let's go:


Rob tells Eva that it's over, much to Eva's surprise:
"You weren't picking up on the signals"

(But Stella seems to be picking up on his signals)


Owen places his order at the caf and tries to smooth things over with Anna:

"Coffee and a cuddle please"

(Anna will serve the coffee, Roy will take care of the cuddle)

Eileen tells Kev she's cheesed off by Gail's invitation to Paul:

"The worlds smuggest woman just got smugger" 
(yes, she's right off the smugness scale)

Gail tries to be seductive with Paul:
"If you ever need a friendly ear..."

(which ear is the friendly one?)

Gail again, trying to be seductive:

"My bedroom's very quiet"

(it's certainly uncontaminated by men)

David explains to Paul what his mom is serving for tea:

"It's called a Gail Special"

(just wait till you find out what dessert's called)

Eileen bursts in to find Paul tucking into a Gail Special

"I can't believe you're over here eating her slop"

(Um, it's called Gail's Special Slop, if you please)

Tina summarizes Kirsty's shortcomings to Tommy:

"She's not just two buttys short of a picnic..."

(...she's missing the basket, thermos and napkins)


Steve reassures himself that he's as fit as Rob:
"I can still turn heads"

(yes, but as Lloyd says, in which direction?)

***

Well, that's it for another week.  Have a great weekend, enjoy the omnibus and keep your fingers crossed that Ty escapes the Wrath of Kirsty. Thanks for visiting and for your comments. It's a pleasure to have you drop by and I'll meet you here next week. Cheers!

Gail Platt's Seduction Guide (50 Shades of Eh?)

please note this post makes reference to the Sept 5th episode on CBC

Here at Blanche's Polish Hip, we pride ourselves on combining entertainment with education (well, one out of two isn't bad - ed). That's why we're pleased to bring you yet another installment in our award-eligible educational series which includes hits like: How to Watch Bats, How to Steal Wine from a warehouse and Car Washing 101. 

GAIL PLATT'S SEDUCTION GUIDE

another in an educational series from Blanche's Polish Hip

what you will need:

- a couch

- dark chocolate biscuits

- a fireman

what to do:

- sidle up your neighbour's hunky fireman

- bat your eyes seductively (or is that just conjunctivitis?)

- offer the exclusive use of your couch (pillows, bed and body optional)
- make a lot of obvious sexual double entendres like, "Could you check the batteries in my smoke detector?"

- place a plate of dark chocolate biscuits strategically next to the couch (they don't call Gail the 'cookie monster' for nothing)

- awaken the sleeping prince with a nice cuppa (one lump or two, if you know what I mean, wink, wink)

- complete the seduction with a heaping portion of Gail's Special (followed by a heaping portion of Gail's Special antidote)

- repeat daily (or at least while Kev continues his DIY)