Recycling romance on Coronation Street

please note that this post make reference to the August 22 episode on CBC

I'm certainly not opposed to rediscovering an old flame or rekindling an old romance (you sound like an arsonist or Graeme Proctor or both -ed). I only mention this because old romances seem to be everywhere on Coronation Street.

There's Steve and Michelle. Well,  technically just Steve so far but they do seem to be spending a lot of quality time together, mostly due to the new and unimproved Ryan (drugs, skiving, lying... what's not to like? - ed). Steve is definitely interested but Michelle doesn't seem to be reading the signals yet (particularly Steve's pink shirt signal; he looks like a Chippendale's taxi driver having a bad hair day - ed). Still, it looks like something may be in the cards.

Then there's Jason and Maria. Our receptionist, Abby Downton, tells me that Jason and Maria were an item many years ago but then Jason had it off with a co-hairdresser (Candace). Funny, I don't remember any of that (must be the drugs... or the Hob Nobs - ed). Anyhoo, now the cute twosome have a budding romance thanks to the matchmaking skill of Marcus.

Last - and most definitely least - there's old Kevin still trying to get his feet under the table at Sal's. Yes, he's got a sprog and yes the sprog is his lovechild from a sordid affair with his best mate (don't make such a palaver out of it - ed), but Kev still thinks that Sally can "get past all that". The scary thing is, he may be right.

Jason Grimshaw & Rosie Webster x-rated

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 10 episode on CBC

I don't know about you but I feel that the past two episodes of Coronation Street should have come with a parental advisory (you mean like: 'Parents, don't let your children be like David Platt' ? - ed). By my calculations, Rosie Webster and Jason Grimshaw have spent more time this week with their clothes off, than with their clothes on.

Scenes with this 'bod couple' have featured Rosie in something that resembles a push-up bra more than anything else and Jason constantly removing his shirt like some kind of x-rated contractor or an escapee from Chippendales.

The strip tease begins in the Webster's kitchen (which hasn't seen this kind of action since Kevin slipped on a bacon butty in 1978) as Jason takes off his shirt while working. I can already sense the sexual tension building. Next thing you know Jason is driving Rosie to a last-minute underwear photo shoot. ("It's a modelling emergency!" says Rosie).  Then, before you can say 'Joe Boxer', Jason is up there posing with Ms. Webster, both of them with hardly a stitch on.

When the two underwear models return to Chez Webster, it doesn't take long before they start madly grabbing at each other and knocking over Sally's Ikea bookshelf (that took Kevin a week to assemble! - ed) and rolling off the couch onto the floor (OMG, Sally just vacuumed the carpet! - ed)

Now I'm no prude. I've seen my fair share of lascivious sex scenes and, yes I'm well aware of movies like 'Saving Ryan's Privates' and 'Lord of the G-Strings'. But let's just try to keep it tasteful and tone it down a bit. After all, two thongs don't make it right. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with a cold shower...

Plattwa

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 26 episode on CBC

I certainly don't envy Jason Grimshaw (because he has to take Sean to the gym? - ed). Ol' Jase and David Platt have a history - and it's all bad. David once told Jason that he (David) wanted to kill his family (The Platts or the Grimshaws or both? - ed) and then, to spite Sarah Louise, David undid the bolts in a scaffolding and Jason had a nasty spill.

In many ways, Jason has been an unfortunate, somewhat gullible foil for David's evilness (evility? - ed). But now, Jason is really taking his life in his hands. Doing the horizontal mambo with Tina may have its perks (free kebabs? - ed) but it's also guaranteed to ratchet up David's craziness level. And it has. David has already stormed over to the builder's office and hurled an assortment of plumbing hardware at Jason (maybe Davey was just trying to teach Jase how to 'tap' dance? - ed).

As Jason himself explains to the bewildered crowd on the street with uncharacteristic astuteness: "David’s gone nuts again." Touche, young Grimshaw. The problem is, ol Davey Boy is hanging around staying at Chez Gail. He could strike at any time and he's none too pleased that Tina is hanging up her hoop earrings at the Grimshaws (they take up most of the living room - ed). It's like he's engaged in some kind of fatwa against Jason - let's call it a Plattwa. If I were Jason, I'd watch my step. This could get ugly.

Half-Sister Act

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 23 episode on CBC

Lucky Julie! She's been treated to a grand stroll down Grimshaw memory lane (a one-way street? - ed). Here's to the good old days!

Todd and Sara having it off...
(Oh nice!)
...and Sara's stillborn child
(Oh dear)

Todd taking charge of his life...
(Oh nice)
..by coming out of the closet and breaking up with Sara
(Oh dear)

Todd being best friends with Sara's brother, Nick...
(Oh nice)
..and planting a big kiss on his lips
(Oh dear)

Todd going to university...
(Oh nice)
..while his half brother, Jason, starts sleeping with Sara
(Oh dear)

A big wedding for Jason and Sara...
(Oh nice)
..until Jason does a runner
(Oh dear)

But that's okay because Eileen had a nice romance...
(Oh nice)
...with the guy who killed Emily Bishop's husband
(oh dear)

As I say, Julie's quite the lucky gal to be part of the Carp-Grimshaw clan and half-sister of Eileen. Can't wait to hear the dinner table chat at Christmas.

Jason's Dream

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 10 episode on CBC

Jason Grimshaw has been out boozing again and wakes up at home with an 'aspiring model' in bed next to him (Victoria Slagham? - ed). He is hungover and has a massive headache like 'Vietnam'. Why Vietnam? Because apparently he had a dream about it. I'm intrigued. If only Jason could tell us more about this dream, I think it might go something like this:

"Okay, so like I say, I'm in Vietnam and offhand I can't remember whether it was East Vietnam or West Vietnam but the point is, there I was fighting with the King Kong. So like there we were, me and the rest of the soldiers carrying supplies along the Ho Chip Monk Trail and we saw all these cool places like Kaos and Cambodacious. Then I asked the guys where we were going and they said: 'Mekong'. And I said, 'yeah, I know mate, me Kong too, but where the hell are we going?'

Anyway, then these Americans start showing up and they started being really offensive. My King Kong buddies said they were going to send over the B-52s. And I said, 'You've got nothing to worry about. They're a rubbish band. I never liked that 'rock lobster' stuff.'

But then, after they saw Miss Saigon, the Americans got angry. I guess they didn't like the songs or something. They started fighting me and the Kong. I heard one Yank shout, 'When you see Charlie, shoot!' So I yelled back, 'You're too late mate, Tracy already did 'im in with a table lamp.'

Then I woke up with a banging headache and me Mom was yelling at me. Got any aspirin?"

Tony Soprano or Tony the Tiger?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 3 episode on CBC

All I can say is: Tony, Tony, Tony. The rag trade mogul (and Carla's fancy man) now seems to have quite an appetite for unscrupulous business practices. Not only that, but he seems to be building his crooked empire on several fronts. He's such a busy guy that I don't know where he finds the time to run Underworld, supervise Rosie and keep Carla.. um.. satisfied (that's enough of that - ed).

However, for a grade 'A' evil business guy, Tony seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time on projects which are yielding rather small rates of return. I think his auditors would be disappointed with his lack of productivity.

Let's take a look at the Kevin Webster Intimidation file, for example. Mr. G seems to be spending huge amounts of time and money trying to 'convince' the stubborn Kev to leave his garage. In the process, he seems to have added dozens of people to his payroll just to get his hands on a grotty backstreet property. He's hired a thug, an entire low-cost garage to undercut Kev's prices, a sexy female driver in distress and even a high-priced thief to steal Kev's tow truck. Can you imagine the overtime and per diem expenses? (And that doesn't even include the cost of new micro-halter tops and other tarty clothes to keep Rosie Webster happy)

Then there's that other time-consuming project which involves throwing a poor, old man and his pet on the street. Tony needs to do that pronto so he can build some more luxury flats. But, rather than give the guy a fair price and a nice new home, Tony has opted for a more long-term strategy: making fruitless visits to the old man's house, sitting outside in his car and eating BLT sandwiches with Jason.

(On the other hand, Tony did manage to deal with Roy Cropper and the endangered bats - although it's probably not an issue you'd see on the agenda of most underworld crime bosses)

Well, I suppose every business tycoon has her or her own particular style. I just can't decide whether Mr. Gordon owes more to Tony Soprano or Tony the Tiger.