Owen Armstrong & other Corrie builders

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 30 episode on CBC

Well, well. Not since Spiderman dangled upside down in the pouring rain and planted a kiss on the lips of Kirsten Dunst has the viewing public been treated to such a memorable lip lock. I'm talking about Lewis and Deirdre of course, smoldering with passion and all alone in that most romantic of settings: the bookie shop -- with no-one around to record the immortal moment...except a security surveillance camera which Peter mostly uses to scan for loose change and gawk at Michelle's outfits.

But I digress.. let's turn our attention to a newcomer on the street, Owen Armstrong, father of Izzy and cowboy-esque builder who has the unique honour of servicing Carla's... construction needs by rebuilding the burned down factory.

Owen is the latest in a long line of builders who have graced the streets of Corrie over the years. I'm sure I can't remember them all but the memorable ones include:

Len Fairclough: the granddaddy of them all and Rita's true love. Although, like many if not all Corrie builders, Len had a fondness for those two trademark vices of Corrie contractors (tofu & non-alcoholic beer? - ed): women and booze. He had a torrid on and off love affair with Elsie Tanner before marrying Rita.

Len worked with Jerry Booth (one of my faves because he was extremely shy and had a hilarious romance with Mavis at the Kabin) and the notorious Ray Langton , the quintessential 'bad boy' who seemed very attractive to Deirdre who married him (pre-Ken and certainly pre-Lewis).

Then there was the evil & charming Charlie Stubbs whose major claim to fame (besides being a cad) was getting murdered by Tracey Barlow using a blunt object (David Platt? - ed). Charlie worked with our own Jason Grimshaw who eventually worked with ol' Bill Webster (senior builder).

Phew! That's quite a list and I know I've left out several. Historically, most builders have worked hard and played hard. They've been known as much for their ability to hoist a pint as their ability to hoist a beam and they invariably have an eye for the ladies. Owen Armstrong seems to be maintaining that tradition - at least so far...

***

in case you missed it, a kind reader offered two more Greek-English phrases which might be useful for Audrey Roberts as she prepares for her Greek odyssey. They are:

eisai vlameni = you're an idiot
oi kori sou me poirasoi = your daughter annoys me

thanks again & cheers!

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the souvlaki edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 26 episode on CBC

Kalimera to fellow Corrie lovers! This edition of Blanche's Polish Hip is brought to you by Grecian Formula for Men: "Grecian Formula makes Lewis looks good while he's conning Deirdre at the bookies". Well, it's only a matter of time before, Audrey invests all her money in a Greek hotel (what a drachma queen! - ed). And, it's only a matter of time before Fiz figures out that being in Canada is not quite the same as being dead. (RIP = Residing in Penticton? - ed)

In the meantime, let's take a look at some of the memorable lines of the week in this edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, It's Friday). Eureka:

Mary is helping Hayley with wedding plans but tells her she is pressed for time: 
"I have to give Norris a scalp massage"

(well at least it's easy to find...)


Gail is worried about Audrey's rash decision to buy a hotel:
"I thought Greece was bankrupt"
(so it looks like Audrey will fit right in)


Steve tries to impress Russ & Lloyd with his soccer prowess:
"I taught Wayne Rooney everything he knows"
(that's why Wayne's so good at taxi driving and skiving in a pub)


David worries about the fact that Gail likes Lewis:
"If me mom likes him he must be a nut job"
(out of the mouths of babes...)


Natasha tries to convince Roy to become her customer:
"Tell you what you need. An Indian head massage"
(I didn't even know Roy's head was from India)


Charlotte tells Fiz part of the truth about Mr. Fishwick:
"Nobody can talk to Colin"
(except perhaps a medium...)


Charlotte tells Fiz why she can't talk to Colin:
"He's gone back to Canada"
(pity!)


Fiz insists that it must be possible to contact Colin:
"They have phones in Canada"
(yes, we got them last year along with indoor plumbing)


Fiz warns Charlotte to stay away from John
"You go anywhere near him and I'll smash your face in"
(stop beating around the bush and say what you mean)


Eileen wants to know why Jason insists on sticking with his current boss when there's no work:
"Are you in love with Bill Webster?"
('cause if you are, there's a wicked music festival you should go to. Bring a tent)


John Stape tries to explain his actions to Fiz:
"There's something wrong with me"
(Surely not!)

***

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for the week as three women struggle with the substandard men in their lives. Fiz has got to deal with Stape. Audrey has the slippery Lewis to contend with and Cheryl continues to extricate herself from a relationship with a devious, wife-beating husband while keeping Lloydie at arms' length. Have a great weekend and enjoy the omnibus on Sunday. As always, it's been great to have you here at the Hip and we'll see again next week. Cheers!

Audrey Robert's Greek-English dictionary

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 24 episode on CBC

Oh dear. Audrey Roberts has returned from her mini-vacation in the Greek islands with visions of quaint hotels dancing in her head. It's like 'Mamma Mia' (the movie) -- except she's with Lewis rather than Pierce Brosnan (Lewis probably sings better - ed). All of a sudden she's ordering olives at the caf and reminiscing about ouzo. I don't like where this is leading. (a Greek restaurant? -ed)

Even Gail, in her fluffy Terrycloth bathrobe, is not amused. Audrey could lose everything:: her house, her salon & David (well, one out of three isn't bad - ed). And for what? Lewis, the former escort and current con man. I've only got one question (What's a Grecian Urn? - ed). How can Audrey be so rash? Well, if she does go through with this crazy plan, she'll need to equip herself with an appropriate vocabulary. Allow me to help with a brief Greek-English dictionary. This is just about all she'll need to know:


Signomi, ala then milao elinika = Sorry I don't speak Greek
to onoma mou ine muggins = my name is muggins
then estanome kala = I don't feel well
pou ine i twaleta, parakalo? = where is the toilet please?
kamaki = gigolo
aseme isihi Lewis  = leave me alone Lewis
malakas = wanker
kaléste tin astynomía! = call the police!
Antio = goodbye

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Colin Fishwick Memorial edition

Say it with me: "Colin Fishwick is dead. Long live Colin Fishwick!"

But seriously, what more can John Stape do to ensure that he gets a return ticket to prison? Identity theft, fraud, failure to report a death, break and enter, stealing a carpet... It's a web of deceit and lies which is getting worse all the time. If Charlotte's motor vehicle registration expires, they'll really be in trouble. Oh well, only one thing to do and that's Tony Gordon It's Friday, our award-winning feature which brings you the memorable lines of the week (whether you want them or not -ed). Off we go:


Gail's comment when she sees Audrey with Lewis:
"It must be chucking out time at the brothel"
(...or checking out time at the hairdressers)


Gail again when she sees Lewis snogging Audrey in public
"Do you mind? This is a residential area"
(according to the Weatherfield municipal bylaws, that kind of activity is strictly restricted to commercial or industrial zones)


Audrey gets impatient with Gail's prudish attitude to her Greek getaway:
"Wake up and smell the calamari"
(It's all Greek to Gail)


Sean regretfully deletes Liz's popular profile on the social networking site:
"she had a huge following on the oil rigs"
(drill, baby, drill!)


Sophie tells Sian what she's learned from Rosie:
"If there's one thing I've learned from Rosie, apart from how to dress like a hooker, is that Mom always knows when you're after something."
(and they say Rosie is selfish)


A punter is disappointed by Liz's angry reaction to a bum-pat:
"I poked you last night"
(join the club)


Sean is upset about his minor role as father of Violet's baby:
"happen a turkey baster would have done a better job"
(yes but it would have been rubbish at the pre-natal classes)


Charlotte is freaked out by the sight of a dead Colin Fishwick:
"Close his eyes for God's sake"
(are you talking about Colin or John Stape? or both?)


A drunk Fiz finally finds John Stape after Chesney's party ends:
"Here he is, the Scarlet flaming pimp"
(never a truer word spoken)

***

Well, fellow Corrie lovers, that's it for another week.  Let's hope the never-ending saga of John Stape wraps up sometime soon and he is dispatched back to the prison where he can re-kindle old acquaintances and leave poor Fiz and Chesney alone to get on with their lives. Hope you have a great long weekend and thanks very much for stopping by and visiting. I'm sure Blanche would be chuffed. Cheers!

Liz McDonald's Facebook Page

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 18 episode on CBC

What kind of information has Sean Tully included on Liz McDonald's Facebook page? Well, we know that he's written specific details about where she works and what she does and that he used the photo which Michelle took for the Weatherfield Barmaid contest. Now what else could he have included?

I wonder what Sean wrote for...

Liz's 'info'...
"Elizabeth Jayne McDonald is the lusty, busty and musty landlady at Rovers Return public house in Weatherfield - can't miss it, first pub on Coronation Street, next to the viaduct and a stone's throw away from the Red Rec. Bum slapping and leers encouraged." 

Or 'gender'...
"probably female but let's not get hung up on labels, okay?"    

Or 'Likes and Interests'...
(cigarettes, cleavage-revealing tops, pub management, younger men & booze)

Or 'relationship status'...
(single but I wish it were raining men)

Or who he put on Liz's 'friend' list...
(Deirdre, Jim McDonald, Violet, Jim McDonald, Vernon, Jim McDonald, Amy, Jim McDonald, Andy,  plus large numbers of unknown male Weatherfield punters)

Or what was posted on her 'wall'...
("fired Sean today but I'm really, really sorry and will rehire him with a raise because he's such a wonderful person")

Eileen Grimshaw's gripe

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 16 episode on CBC

Let us divert our attention from Liz's ardent (& bum slapping) admirers, Lewis' 'homme fatale' hi jinks and the tiresome adventures of Doofus Dev, the retro Dad who yells a lot. Instead, let's talk about Eileen Grimshaw and her midlife crisis.

Eileen has played a pivotal role on Coronation Street ever since she stepped into a Street Cars taxi and rescued the foundering company. You may recall that Street Cars was the brainchild (and I use the term loosely) of Dev's young cousin (Vikram) and Steve McDonald. The company was a good idea but lacked experienced employees, especially at the 'switch'.  Enter Eileen. An experienced taxi company employee with a vast knowledge of the Greater Weatherfield area, she basically rode to the rescue of Vik and Steve and made Street Cars what it is today (a grotty little cab company with delusions of grandeur? - ed).

As Eileen herself said, she's been at Street Cars for 11 years, through thick and thin. Owners have changed and drivers come and go but Eileen is always there, a loyal employee. Without Eileen, there would be no Street Cars. There's no doubt in my mind that she deserves to be a part owner in the business and it is typical of the dyspeptic duo (Steve and Lloyd) to dismiss Eileen's bid to be a partner.

Instead the Tepid Twosome fobbed her off with a 4% raise and a new job title (Senior Butty Administrator & Custard Slice Director? - ed). I guess it's better than nothing but I still think Eileen deserves more.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the toy boy edition

Well, Corrie lovers, it is a speech that will go in the annals (watch the language -ed) of history as one of the best, champagne-fueled declarations ever delivered in the Rovers. A veritable 'Ich bin ein escort' or 'ask not what Lewis can do for you, but what you can do for Lewis' . I'm talking about Audrey Roberts' spirited treatise on toy boys. What better way to introduce this week's edition of TGIF, your round-up of memorable Corrie lines. Here we go:


Charlotte tries to seduce John Stape:
"I'll even call you Colin if you like" (... and tell him he needs to be spanked with a limp pashmina?)

Eileen compares her dull life to Audrey Roberts':
"A 70 year old is having a 100 times better life than I am"
(That makes 7,000 on the boy-toy enjoyment scale)

Audrey makes a stand in the Rovers about her relationship with Lewis:
"Yes, okay, Lewis was a gigolo and yes, okay I used to pay him by the hour."
(..and yes, okay, we used to dress up as Bo-Peep and a naughty sheep in the bedroom)

Even Emily has an opinion about Lewis and Audrey:
"Audrey's one of the few women I know who really suits a boy toy"
(Her favourite movie is 'Boy Toy Story')

Rita chides Norris for complaining about having to go to the washroom at an inopportune time:
"The entire world plans itself around your bodily functions"
(yes I hear the Royal Wedding was delayed for two hours)

Ryan gets testy with Sophie and Sian
"Can you read her mind now? Is that a Lesbian thing?"
(yes, it comes with the membership card)

Audrey enumerates Gail's string of bad husbands:
"A murderer followed by a suicidal, drug addict."
(and those were the good ones...)

Gail's riposte to Audrey at full volume in the Rovers:
"I think you've topped that nicely mother by asking a male prostitute to move in with you."
(um... anyone for more champagne or a sausage roll?)

Audrey concludes her speech in the Rovers:
"Yes I may be 70 but my life is just beginning"
(I hear 70 is the new 50... quid an hour)

***

Well that's it for another week as we watch Lewis and Audrey sail off into the sunset -- at least for one or two nights. Yes, I know Gail is upset but, as Audrey sagely points out, she's had more nuts than a squirrel in autumn. Ah well. Enjoy the weekend and the omnibus episodes and thanks, as always, for dropping by and visiting Blanche's Polish Hip. Cheers!

Audrey Roberts' birthday

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 10 episode on CBC

Here's a thought: planning a birthday party for Audrey Roberts' 70th birthday is a bit like the Titanic sailing towards an iceberg (without the Celine Dion soundtrack? -ed). Only the most numty person would even consider something like this. Enter Natasha, the Queen of Bad Choices (Nick, Tony Gordon etc) who seems to think that a 70th birthday party for someone who won't even admit to being 40 -- is a good idea.

Then, to make matters worse, she phones up a random assortment of punters (from Audrey's phone book) - alive (Archie Shuttleworth) or dead (Fred Elliot), it doesn't seem to matter. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to call Stan Ogden or Annie Walker.

But never mind the guest list, can you picture the festivities at the Rovers? My God, Audrey will be mortified. And the jokes? Once everyone discovers the true age of 'Aud', the one-liners will be coming thick and fast. I can just imagine the things people will say like:

"When Audrey was born, they didn't use the expression 'let's not reinvent the wheel'... because it hadn't been invented for the first time..."

or

"They were going to bring Audrey's long form birth certificate, but the stone tablets were too heavy..."

or.. (er, that's enough, we get the idea - ed)

The point is: there is no way that a birthday party is a good idea even if it is Natasha's goofball way of trying to push Audrey into 'early' retirement -- just so she can redecorate the salon in black, white and chrome. By the way, that's another bad idea.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: The Double Fishwick edition

Is it just my imagination or has it been a very quiet week on the Street? You know you're in trouble when Kirk has the most thoughtful lines of the week. Still we must press on and deal with the problem of two Colin Fishwicks. Let's troll the week's episodes for some memorable lines as we desperately do that thing we like to call TGIF. Let it roll:

Fiz tries to explain to Chesney why John is pretending to be a teacher:
"Teaching is his life. It makes him whole."
(as opposed to a whole?)


The real Colin Fishwick tells Stape and Charlotte why the Great White North is not for him:
"Canada? Great if you're Canadian, but I’m from Stoke"
(so the only people who ever emigrate to Canada... are already in Canada?)


Charlotte summarizes the nub of John's identity theft caper:
"Colin, meet Colin."
(It's like looking into a mirror!)


Charlotte explains to Colin Fishwick how Stape engineered his identity theft:
"John’s big in the Manchester underworld"
(Yeah, he can get you a pirated version of any James Blunt CD)


Charlotte continues to explain the ways of Stape to the real Colin:
"It was like a homage. John’s been like your tribute act."
(It's like the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah band opening for U2)


Colin assures the fake Colin that he means no harm:
"Oh mate I have not flown three thousand miles to put you back in the nick".
(Pity!)

***

Well, Lords and Ladies, that's it for the week. As I say, things are relatively quiet on the Street but never fear, I'm sure there'll be more excitement on the horizon. Enjoy the omnibus on Sunday. Have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by. Cheers!

Fiz's big Mis-Stape

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 3 episode on CBC

I think Chesney has grasped the essential essence of John Stape when he tells Fiz that El Stapo is "going to screw up."  That's an understatement. One day, Stape is impersonating a teacher. The next day, he's impersonating a furniture salesman. Colin Fishwick is about to return (apparently the Canada thing didn't take - ed) and some aggrieved fella has been snooping around looking to give Stape/Fishwick a fat lip (take a number, pal -ed).

And to think, Fiz actually married this guy while he was in jail! (Kate and William, eat your heart out - ed).  We know this can't go on. Stape will certainly come to a sorry end and Fiz, I'm sad to say, will be heartbroken - again. The one question I have is: why?  Why is John Stape intent on acting like an idiot? (longterm effects of Rosie Webster? - ed).

I just don't get it. His true love sacrifices everything for him. She marries him in jail. They endure taunts and threats when they return to Coronation Street. Fiz restores her relationship with Chesney and Stape even finds gainful employment at Roy's Rolls. They could have had a nice life except...

Stape says he has to teach and poor Fiz goes along with the obsession even if it means lying, identity theft, deception, selling a sofa to the Windasses and living in fear. As Chesney says, Stape seems to get a peverse thrill from "living a double life".  But both of those lives seem to be coming to an end and frankly I can't wait -- although I do feel sorry for Fiz.

An Indecent Proposal

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 2 episode on CBC

Look here, Claudia, you'd better get this through your big hair: Lewis Archer has officially hung up his smoking jacket and put away his um..'protection' (raincoat and brolly? -ed). Or, to put it another way, Lewis has retired his Rolodex, thrown away his Cougar catalogue and emptied out his bottles of Old Spice. That's right, Claudia, as of now Lewis Archer is officially a one-woman man.

No Claudia, he hasn't signed an exclusive contract with a mature, rich widow of independent means (good idea, though - ed). No, Lewis has decided to channel all of his escort energies to one special lady (Deirdre Barlow? - ed). Or, as you so succinctly put it: "Audrey Roberts has snared you."

Oh, yes, Claud, it's true that the over-sixties female population is officially in mourning. Not since Matlock was taken off the air have so many female tears been shed for a mature man.

But, hang on a minute, what if Lewis was offered an obscene amount of money for one last fling, one last sensual fandango at Claudia's illicit house of pleasure? (two doors down from the viaduct, can't miss it -ed)
That's right, what if Claudia offered one million pounds for one night with Lewis?

Well, of course, it wouldn't be exactly one million pounds. More like 25 quid an hour plus expenses and taxi fare home, but an indecent proposal none the less. And I have a feeling that Lewis has a soft spot -- not just for the ladies -- but for the money as well. By the way, Claudia, how's Spritzer?

***

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I was struck down by flu last week and didn't do the TGIF. My apologies and rest assured that neither skiving or illness will prevent me from TGIFing this week.