May 30 TGIS?

Sorry gang. As I mentioned, matters of pressing importance (skiving you mean - ed) have kept me away from my Corrie control centre until today. Worse still, I am playing catch up with Corrie to get up to date. Still, better late than never (Underworld factory girls' motto - ed). Let's take a quick look at some of the memorable lines of the week in this edition of Tony Gordon, it's Sunday (doesn't sound right, does it?). Onward!

Tony Gordon implementing a factory-wide search for Sally's missing ring:
"Right everybody, open your lockers, please."
(just don't look in Tony's, he's probably got Jed Stone stuffed in there)


Becky bragging to the bridal dress shop owner about her and Steve:
"me and my fiance, we own a pub, and we drink champagne like water. "
(in fact, at the Rovers, the champagne is water)


Joe ransacks Chez Gail looking for pills but has a good explanation:
"I was looking for me work bag, the one I stick me butties in."
(Maybe you should find somewhere else to stick your butties...)


Jesse has more props to store at Bill's yard:
"Got a couple of wigwams in the back of the van."
(I'm feeling two tents)


Michelle tries to divine Luke's attraction to Ms. Webster:
"Oh, right. So it’s Rosie’s brains you're after then, is it?"
(should be quite a treasure hunt)


Tony finds Luke's elaborate torture scenarios to be a little kinky:
"That sounds a touch homoerotic"
(like Braveheart)


Anna is upset that the noise from the clinic is disturbing Mr. Windass' rest
"Oh, just when Eddie’s trying to have his nap"
(That could me anytime - and usually is)


Luke complaining to Michelle about Rosie's conversation skills:
"Company-wise, she’s got less goin' for her than a dead crustacean."
(and she can be quite crabby)


Joe is really, really sorry about becoming addicted to pain killers
"I wish there was a better word than sorry"
(Here's three: Sling. Your. Hook.)


Even Julie is having a go at Ms. Webster:
"You know, Rosie, the local two-wheeled conveyance"
(If she had gone to college, at least she'd be a uni-cycle...)


Joe must be in bad shape, even Stape feels sorry for him:
"Poor Joe. He must be in a terrible place right now"
(your cell?)

***

That's it fellow Corrie watchers. Hope this is better late than never. I'll be back next week with more posts. Hope you had a great weekend. Cheers!

Kodak moment

To paraphrase something that you often hear on the Street 'I just can't get my head around' some of odd things happening these days like: Fiz's ring, Joe's addiction to painkillers and Becky's wedding uberdress. (How about Tony 'Sugar Daddy' Gordon? - ed)

Frankly the scenes of junior nutbar (David Platt), Gail and Joe are almost driving me to drink (oh no, not cream soda again? - ed). That's why I appreciate those little understated scenes between characters which you can often overlook or not fully appreciate for their subtleties (catfight in the Rovers? - ed).

A case in point last week: Ramsay and Emily sitting in her parlour after lunch, curtains drawn, looking at a collection of old fashioned Kodak slides in a carousel. When was the last time you saw anyone doing that in this era of cellphones and digital cameras? (your famous summer trip of '76 to Etobicoke? - ed). Anyway, there they were - just the two of them - all cozy on the couch looking at slides of the Lake District and then one of those priceless shots of Emily and her late husband (Ernest) appear on the screen. What follows is one of those charming nuggets of Corrie conversation:

Ramsay: Were you married long?
Emily: No. No, not long. Just long enough for memories.

It's enough to bring a tear to your eye, but then Norris bulls his way in, spoils the moment and looks for a slice of chicken pie. Nevertheless, it was a nice respite from the never-ending Platt saga and car washing antics of Rosie, and Tony's paternal urges (ugh - ed).

***

Just a note about this week. I will once again be away from my usual Corrie command post with all its technological innovations (i.e. tea & arrowroot biscuits) so posts may be spotty this week. my apologies but I'll try not to make it a habit. Cheers, CH

TGIF May 21

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 20 episode on CBC


Hail Corrie fans! I'm away from my Corrie Comand post (living room? - ed) but cannot end the week without an edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), featuring some of the memorable lines of the week. Let's go:

Kevin explaining the basics to Rosie after finding her stolen car:
"Hey, this is the key, comes with the car. It enables you to lock it."
(woah, slow down Poindexter, you're talking to Rosie, remember?)

Tina telling Jason that she's not a high maintenance girlfriend:
"I'm fine. Look, I don't want you thinking that I'm a needy bird."
(not like Jack's pigeons)

Joe wants to know if anyone is in the washroom at Gail's house
"Is the toilet free?"
(Actually, you have to break up Jason and Tina, if you want to use it)

Graeme quoting the lyrics to the song 'windmills of your mind':
"Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel. never ending or beginning, oh the ever spinning wheel"
(...like the choice meats and the chops, found at the butcher's shop)

Becky gets a brilliant idea for the wedding and insists on sharing:
"Hold onto your hotpot Betty"
(I beg your pardon)

Joe tries to say something positive about David to Tina:
"David made me laugh this morning"
(...by putting a gun to your head and saying 'laugh, or else'?)

Lloyd is distraught after calling Liz in Spain:
"I just phoned Liz and some bloke answered"
(Press 1 if you want to leave a message for Liz, press 2 if you want to leave a message for Liz's hot Spanish bit on the side...)

***

Enjoy the weekend. Talk to you next week.

car washing 101

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 19 episode on CBC

How To Wash Your Car
the first (maybe) in a series of edukational articles by Rosie Webster

If you're lucky enough to get a flash motor because you got a lot of cash from a perv in prison - like me - then you probably want to know if you need to do anything to it. Well, duh, yes. You have to get someone to put petrol in it (hint: it doesn't go in the glove compartment) and you have to take care of the wires under the bonnet. Then there is the most important thing: washing.

As everyone knows (well everyone except saddoes like my dad & mum), the most important part about washing a car is the clothes you wear. You have to look good otherwise what is the point of washing the car in the first place? So, the first priority is your outfit:

What to wear:
- high heel shoes
- hot pants or tiny cut-off jeans
- a skimpy top or halter top (if you don't have this, just wear a string bikini instead)
- daytime make-up and tanning oil (my mom says you need sunblock with SPF but I think she means BFF - which she doesn't have)

Equipment you will need:
- a radio playing way cool tunes
- an iced cappuccino
- I think that's it, no wait, you also need some of that soapy water stuff (ask my dad or Tyrone how to make that and to bring it over to you)
- a cloth (I use one of Sophie's tops or underwear)

What to do:
- lean over the car so that cute lads can see your sexy bod
- groove to the beat if you hear a groovy song
- ignore pervs and losers who whistle or make crude comments

Important!:
try not to get any of that soapy water in the big opening where the seats, leather, steering wheel and other stuff is. I wish that these kinds of cars (Dad says the technical term is 'convertible' ) came with some kind of weatherproof covering for when it rains. Oh well.

***

Remember Corrie fans that today's episode airs at 3.30pm (eastern). Please check your local listings. As for me, I will be on the road for a few days (skiving more like - ed) so I may have difficulty posting for a few days. I will try to do the TGIF but it may turn out to be TGISaturday or TGISunday. Sorry about that. Nevertheless, have a great weekend and cheers to all.

Platt Stats

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 17 episode on CBC

First, a few key numbers about David Platt:

Number of times he's been in a car in the canal: 2 (once with R. Hillman; once by himself)
Number of drug-related misdeeds: 2 (letting Bethany have Ecstasy; selling painkillers to Joe)
Number of family members he's almost killed: 4 (Jason, scaffolding; Gail, stairs; Bethany, ecstasy; Ted, botched burglary).
Number of times in Juvenile Detention: 1

That tells you pretty much everything you need to know about the Plattman. What puzzles me is how Davey boy manages to hang in there at Gail's house living high off the hog, working at his Gran's and plotting to win back Tina by fair means or foul (most likely foul - ed). Seems to me, after David's last little 'peccadillo', i.e. having his Gran's house burgled and almost killing his gay Granddad, David had hit rock bottom. He was officially termed 'persona non Grata' and everyone set about ignoring his very existence - although he was still permitted to stay at Gail's, work at Audrey's and continue his relentless pursuit of evil. (so, to paraphrase Les Battersby, it's the Status Quo - ed).

Now everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten that he is.. how you say.. pure evil. There he is, happy at home, fetching Gail frozen bags of peas and acting all chummy with mummy. Meanwhile, he's quietly selling Joe painkillers at £100 a pop (Do you get Optimum points with that? - ed). This can only get worse and, each day, ol' Davissimo is getting more and more like the weather: everybody talks about him but nobody does anything about him. (although Charlie Stubbs did once try to drown him). I'm just saying...

TGIF May 14

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 13 episode on CBC

Following the sage comments of one reader, disciplinary action has been taken against the editor for 'crimes against puns' specifically regarding the use of the term 'vas deferens'. As a result of a disciplinary review, he has been suspended from this blog until further notice (this is the first I've heard of this - ed). Meanwhile, let's move on with another award-winning edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), a selection of memorable lines from the week. Andante:


Blanche makes an appearance at Peter's AA meeting and speaks out:
"I've never heard so much self- indulgent whinging in all me life"
('My name is Blanche and I'm a trouble-maker')


Blanche again, same place, same gusto:
"Is there some correlation between how boring you are and how much you drink?"
(see comment above)


Helen wants to know why Tony is speaking on behalf of Maria:
"Who are you, her spin doctor? "
(more like witch doctor, I would think)


All Blanche, all the time - still at the AA meeting:
"Ken recently had an affair with an actress. Oh, it wasn’t Nicole Kidman or Glenda Jackson. She lived on a tugboat "
(no comment necessary)


Tony having a quiet word with Barry:
"Your wife is suffocating Maria, Mr. Connor "
(That's MY job)


Surgeon explaining a life-changing medical procedure to Ashley:
"I'll be making a small incision each side of the scrotum."
(this is for the vasectomy, right? Just checking)


Tony gives Helen a piece of his mind and suggests she and Barry leave:
"Why don’t you take your toxic tongue and your tubby hubby back to the land of begorrah and bejesus? "
(Talk about the Scot calling the kettle black...)


Barry gives Maria his assessment of Mr. Gordon:
"Tony hasn’t got a heart, Maria. He’s got an agenda"
(...that's why he gets calendars on Valentine's Day)


Ashley is conflicted because he told Claire he would get a vasectomy:
"I've promised her faithfully to get meself neutered."
(Good boy! Who's a good boy?)

...and one more bonus line from Blanche about Ken & Deirdre:
"She'll be coming onto you next. They're like a pair of swingers "

***

My. my, what a week! Thanks for tuning in and stopping by. Enjoy the weekend and the omnibus edition on Sunday. See you next week for more of Blanche's Polish Hip.

The 'V'-word

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 11 episode on CBC

Ouch! Poor Ashley seems destined to get the big snip, the shock and ahh, the unkindest cut, the... (get on with it - ed). Yes, it's true. Darling Claire (can't miss her, she's the one on the roof in a hospital gown, not that there's anything wrong with that - ed) has had a pregnancy scare and she certainly doesn't want to go through all that again. There's only one solution (Call Casey, Claire's nutty friend and former legover partner of Ashley? - ed), a vasectomy for Ashley. Now, of course, this is a big step for a man (one small leap for mankind - ed) so he'll want to get all the facts, Here's a quick Q&A to assuage his fears:

Q: What is a vasectomy?
A: Well, as Dr. Lloyd of Streetcars says, it's "summit exciting". Exciting in that, hmm... how should I put this, it will effectively take the 'Peacock' out of Ashley Peacock. It's a quick surgical procedure which will ensure that Ashley's lovemaking does not get Claire pregnant (given the current state of their love life, it may not make a 'vas deferens' - ed)


Q: How is a vasectomy done?
Quickly, if it's at the clinic where Gail works. A little snip from the doc (and a little snippiness from Gail) and you're on your way. The doctor will give you a local anesthetic (boy, they have everything in Weatherfield! - ed) to... err.. numb your scrotum (if it isn't already).


Q: What can I expect after the vasectomy?
A: More mithering from Claire, a miserable life of hard graft and Graeme's words of wisdom. Oh, you mean the operation. Well, you may have some pain, swelling and bruising (only if you hang around the viaduct at night and tell the yobs about the vasectomy - ed) and the surgery may cause some discomfort as well.

AA eh?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 10 episode on CBC

Well, it's nice to see Blanche taking an interest in Peter's rehabilitation. And it's truly heartening to see a woman of her advanced years making the effort to attend an open meeting so she can personally support young Peter as he struggles with the demon alcohol. So let's recap: an opinionated, outspoken caustic pensioner among a group of fragile, troubled souls with an addiction problem and a desperate need for positive reinforcement.

What could possibly go wrong?

It turns out that Blanche has a few choice words for all and sundry at the local AA meeting. She tells one poor fella that he's boring and should stop his self indulgent whinging, complains about another person's bad breath and labels the whole meeting a colossal snorefest. And Blanche isn't the only Barlow to turn in a stellar performance. Ken is there making sure that everyone knows he's supporting his son and, in the process, is at his self-righteous best. Meanwhile, Deirdre is sniping like a pro and making cynical remarks about Ken's past sins.

To summarize: all the Barlow family dysfunction is on display to the bewildered alcoholics at the meeting.

It's enough to drive a person to drink.

TGIF May 7

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 6 episode on CBC

Claire is in hospital, Slug is in trouble and Norris is incorrigible. This can only mean one thing: it's time for another dose of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), a selection of memorable lines from the week's Corrie. Kick it!:


Umed tells Darryl the slogan for an alleged new environmentally-friendly toilet paper:
"Rough on your rear, kinder to our sphere"
(This bogus paper... is Umed's caper; this fake bog roll is making my eyes roll)


Fiz reveals her wedding plans to Natasha :
"I’m getting married in prison."
(..ding, dong the bells are gonna chime..)


Ben thinks Sophie is just getting religion just to spite Rosie:
"Is she the real reason you're so interested in Christianity?"
(yes, Sophie wants to learn the difference between thong and right)


Sally speculates about the high water content of the human body:
"Wouldn’t it be funny if you had one eye made of eye and the other eye made of water? "
(You might want to keep your eye made out of 'eye' on Kevin)


Lloyd trying to establish Ashley's status vis a vis Claire:
"Still in the doghouse, are you? "
(Woof!)


Darryl finally twigs to the fact that Umed is telling tall tales to boost shop sales:
"You told me that there was an international shortage of toilet rolls due to the Kyoto treaty."
(Opps, now about those 12 tubes of Preparation H which I sold you earlier...)


Lloyd assumes that Steve doesn't mind Becky and Slug hanging around together:
"You're a metrosexual male, mate, aren’t you?"
(more like 'retrosexual' I would think)


Steve apologizes to Becky for his fit of jealously:
"All right, look, I’m sorry. I was a plank"
(that excuse sounds wooden to me)


Graeme says Ashley's bad mood is affecting the butcher's choice cuts:
"You’re putting all your bad vibes into the meat"
(...sounds like a mis-steak)


Eileen says she's needs the afternoon off to buy a dress:
"Well, it’s for Steve’s wedding. If I can’t get it, I'll have to go in a bin bag."
(Friend of the bride or the broom?)

***

That's it for this week. Once more, we find ourselves at Weatherfield General Hospital waiting for news about a Street resident (last time it was Ted). Hope you have a great weekend and enjoy the omnibus on Sunday (what better way to spend Mother's Day). Thanks for stopping by and I'll meet you here next week for more of Blanche's Polish Hip.

St. Kevin

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 5 episode on CBC

I've got to hand it to Kevin (well, he does do a mean oil and filter change - ed). It's not often that you see a male on Coronation Street trying to do something noble (you mean like sharing his pork scratchin's ? - ed). So it's somewhat surprising to see ol' Kev trying to exercise some restraint despite the heavy sexual tension in the air when he and Molly are in the same room (usually only 1.5 inches apart).

Although Kevo is clearly very warm for Molly's form, he has put an end to the sexual gallivanting after only one hurried legover (what mere mortal could resist Molly's Joe Cocker and Van Morrison seducto soundtrack? -ed). After that 'one off', Kev took evasive action. First, a one-night hotel fantasy with Sal in Bristol (the romance and shipped freight capital of the world). Next, he gives Tyrone two weeks off for a surprise getaway with Molly (with Ty's new wardrobe, it will be Molly planning a getaway - ed).

That ought to cool the fires of forbidden love, n'est-ce pas? Kev realizes that if the secret tryst continues, it's only a matter of time before they both lose everything: Tyrone, Sally, Sophie, Rosie (well, one of four isn't bad - ed). Kev is definitely giving it his best shot. Maybe he's no saint but, as he says, at least he's trying "to do the right thing" .

The only problem is the wrong thing is so much more tempting...

Bill's broken 'helicopter'

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 3 episode on CBC

Studly Bill Webster is on the prowl looking for female company (quick, hide - ed). He's all fixed up to meet a blonde businesswoman (a local sandwich mogul - ed) but decides to cancel at the last minute. He phones his mystery date, (Molly pretending to be Pam) with the bad news to which Molly (pretending to be Pam) says: "well I’m terribly sorry to hear about your broken helicopter."

Well, you can't just let a line like that sit there by itself. So, here are my seven best (ie worst - ed) add-on lines which could follow the phrase.

Cue the line one more time:

"Well I’m terribly sorry to hear about your broken helicopter...

...but that doesn't mean you don't have a nice set of choppers."

...but I can quite understand how that would prevent you from rising to the occasion."

...but I suppose it's better to air on the side of caution."

... so why don't we just cuddle instead?"

....but I can see how that might prevent you from getting in a vertical position."

... there's nothing worse than dysfunctional equipment when you're trying to get off."

... why don't let me know when your rotors are working again and we can go for a spin."