The baptism of Baby Jack Dobbs

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 25 episode on CBC

First, let me get a few things off my chest (Finally! I'll call the hair wax removal studio tout suite - ed). I can't help but think that Charlotte looks a little bit like the Grinch who stole Christmas. And, another thing, don't Tyrone and Molly have any living family members who want to attend the baptism? But anyhoo, let's get down to business and revisit that touching baptism ceremony at the Our Lady of Perpetual Skiving church in Weatherfield. I forget the exact words which Father Ted actually said to the congregation but no matter. In my opinion, it should have been something like this:

Minister: "People of Weatherfield, will you welcome Jack and uphold him in his new life at the caf, in the cabin, at the Red Rec and in the Rovers?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally:  "We will."

Minister: "Will you guide him by your example in the community and allow him to go out on dates with Fiz Stape's daughter in the year 2026 or thereabouts?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally: "We will."

Minister: "Will you care for him and help him take his place at the bar of the Rovers where he may sup ale freely and frequently until he has had a skinful?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally: "We will."

Minister: "Will you reject the devil and all rebellion?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally:  "If, by the devil, you mean David Platt, we will."

Minister: "Will you renounce the deceit and the corruption of evil - up to and including - doing a sneaky 'Who's Your Daddy' DNA test on Baby Jack to see which mechanic is the real pappy?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally: We will.

Minister:  "Wonderful. You may kiss the baby."

Tyrone Dobbs & Jack Jr.

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Monday July 25 episode on CBC

You know that I love Tyrone, the big lug. And it's not just because of his 'Wayne Rooney good looks' or his 'what's MENSA anyway?' intellect. However, even I can't help but notice that, when it comes to caring for a newborn, ol' Ty is..how you say... worse than useless.

Granted Molly does have a few 'issues' going here (the phrase 'who's your daddy?' comes to mind -ed) and possibly a case of Post Partum (I always thought that was a breakfast cereal like 'Post Raisin Bran' or 'Grape Nuts' - ed), but still, you'd think Ty could help out a bit.

So far the big lug has contributed to the new baby workload by:
- making his own brew
- bringing Jack Jr. into The Rovers (what? no pint of bitter in his bottle? - ed)
- keeping his voice down while Molly has a nap - with the baby
- buying her a magazine from the Kabin
- arranging for Molly's arch-enemies (the Websters) to babysit

After one particular sleepless night Molly asks Ty to stick around for a bit but Ty says he can't -- or he'll be late for work. You'd think that a little paternity leave would be in order at the garage (for who? Ty or Kevin? they're both in the running for dad honours - ed).  And, while it's great to see Jack back at the house, he's not exactly Florence Nightingale (unless Florence Nightingale hung out at the Legion and bet on the horses - ed).

Hopefully Ty will get the message and get more involved in child care before Molly gets totally exhausted or strangles Kev - whichever comes first.

Steve & Becky; Tyrone & Molly

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 9 episode on CBC

Two relationships are in the spotlight and they couldn't be more different.

At one end of the Street, Molly is pulling the plug on her marriage to Tyrone. After only a year of blissful marriage (nine months if you exclude the horizontal jogging with Kevin - ed), the couple is history. Truth be told, their happiest days were long gone: a shared love of dogs, restoring an old mobile burger van and sharing the old rec-tory (Number 9 Coronation Street) with Jack & Vera. Oh, I know, some will say that their wedding didn't bode well just because Tyrone was in handcuffs, then fainted and then had his honeymoon airline tickets stolen by his Mum (Jackie Dobbs, skiver and jailbird extraordinaire). Still, the break-up scenes were heartbreaking and it was sad to see the couple part ways.

At the other end of the Street, we move from the sublime to the ridiculous. Steve and Becky are having a disagreement about kids which has, in true Steve-o fashion, escalated into a childish tantrum display. To the punters at the Rovers, it must seem like the panto is still going on (oh no, it isn't -ed). Steve is buying new golf clubs, getting bladdered with Kelly ('I've got legs, dammit') Crabtree and proclaiming that he and Becky are 'separated' . This reminds me of their 'funnymoon', a faux honeymoon. However, this time it's a kind of 'funny separation'  (funeration? - ed). Please stop the madness. Think of Amy (who's Amy? -ed). Any more of this bickering and her verbalization development skills could be severely affected (too late - ed).

Molly Dobbs' folly

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 20 episode on CBC

On Coronation Street there are only two choices for a woman scorned: going meekly away or going 'postal' (Because of the price of stamps? -ed). On the 'meek' side, there's Fiz (more or less) after she discovered that John Stape was doing the horizontal mambo with none other than Rosie Webster (the famous cherry vodka queen? - ed) on the side. Like the Scarlet Woman, Fiz bravely suffered through that humiliation without much pushback

On the other side of the coin, there's the other kind of reaction like:

- when Nina takes revenge on Dev by posting a giant-sized nude photo of him on a public wall (caution: objects in the photo may be larger than they appear - ed)

- when Tracy Barlow takes revenge on Dev by cutting his expensive wardrobe of suits into shreds (maybe she needed scraps for a quilt? - ed)

- or when Maya tried to blow up Dev and his fiance, Sunita, by tying them up and setting fire to Dev's shop, after blowing up his other corner shops (maybe she just didn't like cooking with gas - ed)

Hmm, funny how a lot of woman's scorn stories involve Dev - but I digress. The point is: Molly has been rudely - how you say - kicked to the curb by the Kevmeister. The question is: what will she do? Will she go quietly back to the Karaoke Komfort™ of her home with Ty -- or will she exact a lover's revenge on Kevin?

If I were a betting man (...Peter Barlow would be happy - ed), I'd say the latter.  

***

I'm off for a brief non-skiving trip for a few days but will try to post TGIF while on the road. Cheers, CH

Heartbreak Hotel

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 20 episode on CBC

I must say Kev and Molly seem to have honed their leg-over meetings down to a fine art.

Same hotel (same room, it appears - ed), same hour or two of pseudo-connubial bliss and same post-coital chat about their respective marital dilemmas. Occasionally one of their cellphones will ring but it's usually only Sally wanting to know where Kevin has put the garage account books or Tyrone wondering if 'yoga' is that cool, wise dude in Star Wars.

Anyway, after the 'body bliss' (as Jann Arden would say), Kev promptly puts his watch on and bemoans the life of a married man who yearns for the freedom to boink whomever he wants. After that, I imagine, it's check out time at the Weatherfield Super 8 (surely not that upscale? - ed).

Hotel desk clerk: Checking out are we, Mr. Wobster?
Kev: Yeah, thanks, here's the card key.
Hotel desk clerk: mini-bar?
Kev: Nope
Hotel desk clerk: Any pay per view movies?
Kev: Nope
Hotel desk clerk: You know sir, you rented the room for a day, You could check out tomorrow morning if you wish...
Kev: No ta. Now's fine. And make sure the bill says 'sundries', would ya'?
Hotel desk clerk: Of course sir, as always. And shall I have the valet parking bring your vehicle around to the front?
Kev: Yes, please.
Hotel desk clerk: That would be the bright orange tow truck if I'm not mistaken. I'll have our valet bring it right round to the front door.
Kev: Thanks mate. See you.. well.. tomorrow.

How long can this go on? Will Kev and Molly come clean to their respective spouses? Will someone see the tow truck? Will they at least become preferred hotel guests with the possibility of free upgrades? We can only wait and watch. 

It's better in Chester

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 26 episode on CBC

Well, Kevin and Molly didn't go to Paris but they did go to Chester, which is also known as the Paris of North West England, the City of Lights lite. No matter. The important thing is that they escaped the humdrum of Weatherfield for the excitement of Chester. But what to do? (I think we can all guess - ed).

Oh sure, there's romance but there's tourism too. According to Wikipedia, Chester "is home to 77,040 inhabitants and is the largest and most populous settlement of the... " (That's quite enough - ed). I'm sure Kev and Molly will be consulting Frommer's respected 'Layovers & Legovers Tourist Guide to England' or maybe even the Michelin's famous 'Shagging & Sightseeing in Chester'

So, after.. um.. 'resting' at the hotel, Kev and Molly could, for example:

Visit the Grosvenor Park Miniature Railway set in the beautiful surroundings of Chester's Grosvenor Park. Complete with a long wooden bridge, pond with ducks, moorhens and a noisy white goose -- which would only remind Kevin of Sally so I guess that's out.

Oh well, what about...

Chester cathedral. This magnificent building is a national treasure in the heart of the city and has been the Cathedral Church of the Diocese of Chester since 1541. Oh, but the advanced age of the Cathedral (469 years) will only remind Molly of the advanced age of 'Kevin the elder' and the vast age difference (469 years? - ed) between young Molly and him. So I guess that's out..

But hey, there's always...

Deva, part of the extensive Roman ruins in Chester. Molly and Kev could stroll along a reconstructed street, experiencing some of the sights, sounds and smells of life inside the Roman fortress. Oh but 'Deva' sounds an awful lot like 'Dev' and would almost certainly remind Molly of her boss and her job at the Korner Shop where she spends her days ignoring Umed and pining for her hunky, he-man mechanic (Tyrone? - ed). So I guess that's out too.

Oh well, Maybe they should have gone to Glasgay after all...

Molly's Motor

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 5 episode on CBC

Kevin and Molly are having it off but what good is an illicit affair without all the double entendres (what do you mean by that?- ed). And, since Kevin is a mechanic (he certainly has an 'internal combustion' when it comes to Molly - ed), it's only natural to expect a few automotive metaphors but let's be careful, it could easily get out of hand...

Kevin: Hello, Webster's Garage
Molly: Yes, I need a strong, muscular mechanic to fix my engine
Kevin: What seems to be the problem?
Molly: My engine is overheating. Maybe I need someone to top up my radiator?
Kevin: What does the temperature gauge say?
Molly: It says that my parts are overheating and I need a someone to reignite my spark plugs
Kevin: When was the last time you had your engine serviced?
Molly: Oooh, Too long. Perhaps someone needs to come over and make sure everything's in good working order.
Kevin: Sounds like you need a complete overhaul by a qualified mechanic. Someone who can check your engine and get your motor running to your satisfaction.
Molly: Yes, yes that's exactly what I need...
Kevin: Hmm. How about next Thursday?. I've got an MOT inspection in the morning but I can fit you in after lunch. Wait... we're talking about cars, right?

St. Kevin

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 5 episode on CBC

I've got to hand it to Kevin (well, he does do a mean oil and filter change - ed). It's not often that you see a male on Coronation Street trying to do something noble (you mean like sharing his pork scratchin's ? - ed). So it's somewhat surprising to see ol' Kev trying to exercise some restraint despite the heavy sexual tension in the air when he and Molly are in the same room (usually only 1.5 inches apart).

Although Kevo is clearly very warm for Molly's form, he has put an end to the sexual gallivanting after only one hurried legover (what mere mortal could resist Molly's Joe Cocker and Van Morrison seducto soundtrack? -ed). After that 'one off', Kev took evasive action. First, a one-night hotel fantasy with Sal in Bristol (the romance and shipped freight capital of the world). Next, he gives Tyrone two weeks off for a surprise getaway with Molly (with Ty's new wardrobe, it will be Molly planning a getaway - ed).

That ought to cool the fires of forbidden love, n'est-ce pas? Kev realizes that if the secret tryst continues, it's only a matter of time before they both lose everything: Tyrone, Sally, Sophie, Rosie (well, one of four isn't bad - ed). Kev is definitely giving it his best shot. Maybe he's no saint but, as he says, at least he's trying "to do the right thing" .

The only problem is the wrong thing is so much more tempting...

Relationship ratings

spoiler alert; this post makes reference to the October 19 episode on CBC

Whew! Maria's finally gone to Cyprus (to practice her spelling? - ed) and Tony's hi jinks are taking a back seat to some of the evolving relationships on the Street. Let's take a quick gander:

Lloyd & Danielle: Even though she's saving for a boob job (right now, she can only afford to do one - ed), Danielle is history. Lloyd is moving on to the alpha female of Brazilian crunch: Liz. Zero out of five stars for this one.

Lloyd & Liz: Yowsa! It looks like the chemistry is there and Liz certainly doesn't waste any time. She said 'no' for about half a second and then had Lloyd in a leg lock inside her boudoir while Steve-o was downstairs making small talk with Betty. I give this one three out of five stars: ***

Molly & Tyrone: While Jack's busy ejecting Pam and her biofuel lab from the backyard (so ends the possibility of the first pigeon/chip oil powered hybrid car - ed), Molly is continuing to play silly beggar with Tyrone. It can't last and something's got to give. Either they're a couple or they're not. Right now, I give it only two stars out of five: **

Carla & Tony: With cash flowing in again, the tepid twosome can now get on with what they do best: spend money (kilts for everyone! - ed). This won't last. Carla is just too circumspect and suspicious and you can tell that her heart's not in it (Carla has a heart? - ed). As far as she's concerned, hogmany is hogwash - even if Tone does wear a kilt. I give this one a single star out of five: *

Norris & Sunny Jim: With Emily playing detective and on the hunt for Jed, Norris and Sunny Jim are destined to be spending a lot of time together, mostly locked in a psychological battle of wits (I'll put 10 quid on the cat - ed). One star out of five: *

wham, bam, thank you Pam

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 28 episode on CBC

Well thanks a lot Auntie Pam. Molly and Tyrone are (were) a lovely couple, one of those rare twosomes on Coronation Street who had a real shot at a longterm relationship, growing old together in the 'Old Rectory' (former home of Jack & Vera and bickering capital of the free world - ed). Now, thanks to the unauthorized sale of watches, t-shirts, perfume and other dubious items, Tyrone is screwing things up and Pam certainly isn't helping.

This is too bad because, when it comes to happy marrieds on the Street, we have slim pickings.

There's Kev and Sally who are more like the remaining contestants on a reality TV show than a married couple ('So you think you can drink?' or 'Survivor Weatherfield' - ed). Then there's Ken and Deirdre, but with the constant presence of Blanche, it's not so much a couple as a domestic, drab menage a trois (menagerie a trois, surely - ed). Ashley and Claire? Never the same after Claire's nutbar episode and Ashley's little dalliance with Casey (yes she was a psycho, but as pyschos go, she was quite fetching - ed).

Yes, we have Roy and Hayley but that's about it. Elsewhere, everyone else seems to be indulging their passions or having sordid, short-lived affairs (Norris and Mary should be ashamed of themselves - ed). There seems to be an endless list of sexually charged encounters: Carla and Tony, Carla and Liam. What's next? Carla and Ed Windass (that would be a real spoiler alert, especially for Carla - ed)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an old prude (you most definitely are an old prude, dude - ed). I enjoy the mating antics which go on -- but the Street needs one or two happily married couples, apart from Jack's pigeons and visiting Catholics. Molly and Tyrone have a good shot at it so I think it behooves Tyrone and Pam to get it sorted.

real men & fake boobs

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 11 episode on CBC

John Stape and Tyrone Dobbs are worlds apart but they have something in common. They are both eliciting some strong emotions and tears from the women who love them.

John's strategy seems to be to 'hang around' on Coronation Street and worm his way back into Fiz's good books. Is this pure manipulaton or heartfelt remorse? That's the question for poor Fiz. Slowly but surely, she is being charmed by his low-key presence and constant apologies. Mind you, she's not completely sold. "You love anything old - apart from Rosie Webster," she says. Ouch.

Despite her reservations and Chesney's disapproval, Fiz is slowly being persuaded that John could be ready for relationship rehab. Julie adds her two cents with a strong endorsement of the ex-teacher and urges Fiz to make a "u-turn". Julie points out that there is only so much doghouse that a man can endure - and she should know because she goes out with Kirk. At one point, she even breaks into song, belting out "on the street where you live" at high volume. (I think Fiz may get back together with John just to stop Julie from any further singing - I certainly would).

While this 'RomCom' ("without the com", as Julie says) is going on, Molly has her own problems dealing with Tyrone's mom, Jackie Dobbs. Jackie sings a sad song and works her con artistry on Molly - to the tune of 1,000 pounds. This was Molly's wedding money but she dutifully parts with it in order to save Jackie from the physical threats of Scary Brian. Poor Jackie just wanted the money to pay for her water bill, didn't she? Well, no, actually she just wanted to pay for a boob job in Majorca. Nothing like a little nip and tuck tourism. Got a problem with that? Molly is aghast and upset. Tyrone disinvites Jackie from the wedding. The result? The wedding fund is gone, Jackie has conned again and Molly realizes just what a "kind, beautiful man" Tyrone is. That's a rare tribute on Coronation Street and Tyrone only adds to his halo when he vows to give Molly a grand wedding even if he has to "flog a kidney".

I'm off to the big smoke (Toronto) for a few days. Back on Tuesday. Enjoy the Sunday omnibus and see you soon.

Pickles & ostrich hot pot

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 2 episode on CBC

Two culinary concoctions are being prepared on Coronation Street. At the Duckworth's (now Tyrone and Molly's house), Auntie Pam is re-packaging pickles that she bought at an auction into jars which she apparently 'recycled' from the garbage. Sounds yummy. Pam is a bit of an oddball. She appeared, deus ex machina (that's enough Latin - ed), in the Rovers one day and now seems to be a fixture at the home of Molly and Tyrone. She's not quite endearing and not quite funny, but maybe it just takes time to appreciate her qualities and, besides, Jack needs someone to talk to besides his pigeons.

Meanwhile, at the home of the kebab king, Jerry's ex-wife is busy with her own cooking methods. The lovely Teresa was shunted aside briefly when Ashley brought over the ingredients for a delicious ostrich hot pot. Sounds yummy again. The poker-faced Teresa was clearly chagrined at Ashley's intervention. That's because she has her own recipe for ostrich hot pot. I don't know the specifics, but I'm guessing it goes something like this:

Teresa's Ostrich Hot Pot
1 pound ostrich meat. cubed
2 tablets of Jerry's heart medicine
4 carrots, chopped
2 tablets of Jerry's heart medicine
2 large potatoes, diced
2 tablets Jerry's heart medicine
1 large onion, diced
2 tablets of Jerry's heart medicine
4 cups broth

Directions: Mix together, cook in medium oven for 1-2 hours, serve and kill Jerry