spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 24 episode on CBC
I don't know about Peter Barlow. For an alcoholic, bigamist and firebug, he's got quite the chip on his shoulder. His plan is to assemble as many people as possible in the church in order to publicly humiliate Leanne and Nick.
I don't why he didn't go whole hog and rent a bigger venue with more guests. Surely this would result in even more humiliation. In fact., I think it might go something like this...
"Hello everyone and welcome to Weatherfield Football Club stadium. My name is Peter Barlow and I'm supposed to be getting a blessing from a minister for myself and my wife, Leanne.
The only the thing is, my trollope, former escort, prostitute bride has been doing the horizontal hokey pokey with me best mate, Nick Tilsley (he's the one over there in row 71 who looks constipated). That's why I rented this large venue to publicly humiliate them as well as Carla (the hot babe over there) and Ken & Deirdre (the swinging geriatrics over there in the 55th row, two from the end).
Now, I wanted to rented a bigger place but unfortunately Wembley Stadium was already booked for an NFL game. Nevertheless I'm glad all of you could make it here to witness my cuckoldry.
I'd especially like to welcome: the residents of Coronation Street, all active and retired members of Her Majesty's Navy, the original Broadway cast of Les Miserables, the 2012 Olympic Organizing Committee, The Royal family, the Lancaster British Brass Band, The European Parliament and the players and WAGs of Manchester United FC.
As I say, I invited all of you here to watch as I humiliate my wife and... sit down, Wayne Rooney! I'm not finished!.. and hand her this envelope containing divorce papers based on her adulterous behavior. As a former bigamist, I am appalled and shocked. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get some groceries and kill Nick Tilsley.
Thank you Weatherfield and Good Night"
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Betty Turpin tweets
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 21 episode on CBC
As you may know, our dear Betty Turpin (Betty Driver) passed away a week or so ago. Since Canadian Corrie is several months behind UK Corrie episodes, we are still able to enjoy her at her irascible, irrepressible best while she serves the punters in Rovers Return. Thus, for example, we get to witness a priceless exchange between Betty and Rosie Webster as Rosie expounds on the concept of Twitter to a very skeptical Betty. Betty, of course, doesn't get the concept of tweeting the minutiae of your daily life, nor does she know who Kanye West is. And Betty herself certainly doesn't tweet but if she did, I wonder what her tweets would look like...
As you may know, our dear Betty Turpin (Betty Driver) passed away a week or so ago. Since Canadian Corrie is several months behind UK Corrie episodes, we are still able to enjoy her at her irascible, irrepressible best while she serves the punters in Rovers Return. Thus, for example, we get to witness a priceless exchange between Betty and Rosie Webster as Rosie expounds on the concept of Twitter to a very skeptical Betty. Betty, of course, doesn't get the concept of tweeting the minutiae of your daily life, nor does she know who Kanye West is. And Betty herself certainly doesn't tweet but if she did, I wonder what her tweets would look like...
@bettyturpin My Cyril would take a dim view of all this twittering. Come to think of it. I’m none too impressed either.
@bettyturpin So this is tweeting. Can’t say I think much of it. During the war you would have been arrested for it. Loose lips sink ships and all that
@bettyturpin That Rosie Webster says she gets tweets from Kanye West, wherever that is. I suppose Kanye is east of there.
@bettyturpin In my day, if you wanted to know what people were doing, you didn’t tweet, you went round to their house and knocked on the door.
@bettyturpin I prefer getting my information from the cinema newsreels. I wouldn’t want to count on Rosie Webster to tell me what Hitler was up to…
***
Betty Driver, 1920-2011. A true Corrie original.by any measure. She will be missed.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tony Gordon It's Friday: what's it all about Alfie edition
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 20 episode on CBC
Bit of a snag to report, I'm afraid. Have journeyed to the Big Smoke (Toronto) for a few days for professional, non-skiving reasons and my Corrie watching has suffered because of this. However, I do know that Sally Webster is dating the same bloke who acts as Rosie Webster's agent and wanted Rosie to doff her togs for a seedy bare-all photo shoot. So what's this Jeff/Alfie character playing at? And why has he left poor Sophie out of his evil, pervy plans for the Webster femmes? Elsewhere, ex-navy submarine man Peter Barlow has finally twigged to the horizontal hijinks going on at the bookies between Leanne and Nick. Looks like Nicko is in trouble as Peter prepares to put Das Boot in... if you know what I mean.
TGIF is lean and mean due to my sporadic watching. Mea Culpa. Please feel free to add your own gems.
Tracy overhears Leanne talking about her affair with Carla:
"You dirty, devious little tramp"
(hey, she's not little)
Rosie draws a line in the sand:
"I do not do topless"
(Now that's what I call integrity)
Tracy gives Leanne a warning:
"Never cross a Barlow"
(especially when it comes to the Oxford English Dictionary)
Kevin is horrified to see that Rosie and Jason have brought home the wrong baby:
"That's not Jack!"
(and he knows Jack)
Bit of a snag to report, I'm afraid. Have journeyed to the Big Smoke (Toronto) for a few days for professional, non-skiving reasons and my Corrie watching has suffered because of this. However, I do know that Sally Webster is dating the same bloke who acts as Rosie Webster's agent and wanted Rosie to doff her togs for a seedy bare-all photo shoot. So what's this Jeff/Alfie character playing at? And why has he left poor Sophie out of his evil, pervy plans for the Webster femmes? Elsewhere, ex-navy submarine man Peter Barlow has finally twigged to the horizontal hijinks going on at the bookies between Leanne and Nick. Looks like Nicko is in trouble as Peter prepares to put Das Boot in... if you know what I mean.
TGIF is lean and mean due to my sporadic watching. Mea Culpa. Please feel free to add your own gems.
Tracy overhears Leanne talking about her affair with Carla:
"You dirty, devious little tramp"
(hey, she's not little)
Rosie draws a line in the sand:
"I do not do topless"
(Now that's what I call integrity)
Tracy gives Leanne a warning:
"Never cross a Barlow"
(especially when it comes to the Oxford English Dictionary)
Kevin is horrified to see that Rosie and Jason have brought home the wrong baby:
"That's not Jack!"
(and he knows Jack)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
How to care for babies by Rosie Webster
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 18 episode on CBC
As you know, Rosie Webster is extremely busy these days building her modelling career and canoodling with Jason the builder. As you may recall, Rosie has already imparted her unique wisdom on topics including accumulator bets , how to wash a car and classical music. She's kindly taken time off from her grueling schedule to share her recently-acquired expertise about babies.
1. Okay. If you like need a sprog for photo shoot purposes or to look more like Posh Spice, there's no need to give birth (gross!). Just borrow a sprog from a neighbour or family member. I borrowed Dad's love child, Jack, for a photo shoot. What a brainwave!
2. Make sure that someone (not you) has fed and changed the baby. Rich babes like Posh Spice hire nannies to do this work. Once I have a successful modelling career, I will totally do the same. In fact, I'll probably hire someone to have my baby for me too since, let's face it, popping a sprong is seriously gross.
3. Changing a diaper is not that hard. I know it sounds gross but just think of a diaper as a really ugly thong especially if Jason buys the wrong kind and they are too small.
4. If the baby cries, try playing some techno music or Kylie Minogue. It won't stop the baby from crying but you'll love the cool tunes.
5. Don't be afraid to give the baby a cool, temporary name like Brooklyn or Romeo or Cruz. Personally, I like the name 'Boston'. Sounds cool and American, much better than sad ol' 'Jack'. Say it with me: 'Boston Webster'. Brilliant!
6. If you leave the baby somewhere because you're like really busy or whatever, just call Alfie on your cellphone. Your agent is supposed to help you with things like this. But don't worry. We found Boston, I mean Jack. If I'd lost my phone, now that would be a real emergency!
As you know, Rosie Webster is extremely busy these days building her modelling career and canoodling with Jason the builder. As you may recall, Rosie has already imparted her unique wisdom on topics including accumulator bets , how to wash a car and classical music. She's kindly taken time off from her grueling schedule to share her recently-acquired expertise about babies.
1. Okay. If you like need a sprog for photo shoot purposes or to look more like Posh Spice, there's no need to give birth (gross!). Just borrow a sprog from a neighbour or family member. I borrowed Dad's love child, Jack, for a photo shoot. What a brainwave!
2. Make sure that someone (not you) has fed and changed the baby. Rich babes like Posh Spice hire nannies to do this work. Once I have a successful modelling career, I will totally do the same. In fact, I'll probably hire someone to have my baby for me too since, let's face it, popping a sprong is seriously gross.
3. Changing a diaper is not that hard. I know it sounds gross but just think of a diaper as a really ugly thong especially if Jason buys the wrong kind and they are too small.
4. If the baby cries, try playing some techno music or Kylie Minogue. It won't stop the baby from crying but you'll love the cool tunes.
5. Don't be afraid to give the baby a cool, temporary name like Brooklyn or Romeo or Cruz. Personally, I like the name 'Boston'. Sounds cool and American, much better than sad ol' 'Jack'. Say it with me: 'Boston Webster'. Brilliant!
6. If you leave the baby somewhere because you're like really busy or whatever, just call Alfie on your cellphone. Your agent is supposed to help you with things like this. But don't worry. We found Boston, I mean Jack. If I'd lost my phone, now that would be a real emergency!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The Platt Genome
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 18 episode on CBC
I never had Nick Tilsley/Platt pegged as the maniacal evil genius type. Show-off? Yes. Momma's Boy? Definitely? Big talker? Affirmative. Quasi-Canadian? eh? Commitment-phobe? Can't say either way. The point is, I generally considered Nick to be the "I'm taking my marbles and going home" type of guy rather than the "cold, calculating" type of guy.
It seems that I'm wrong.
Nick seems to have brilliantly masterminded the demise of Peter (that's not really too hard, all you need is a bottle of voddie -ed) and is well on his way to breaking up the happy union of Leanne and Peter -- before they even roll/walk down the aisle. And, Nick is doing all this with an evil grin and a Mr Burn's cackle. One might even say 'Excellent!'
It's almost like David (you know the one with the weedwacker hairdo - ed) and Nick are twin brothers, spawned from exactly the same unholy genetic code (DNA + G&T ? - ed). David used to be the only psycho in town but now Nick's acting like a top-grade manipulative maniac. He reintroduced Peter to alcohol (only took 3.5 secs - ed). He pretended to be Peter's best friend. He engineered the rift between Leanne and Peter and the ouster of Janice. He even caused Leanne to miss Peter's physio session (watch me while I get a leg over! -ed). Now Peter is a mess and Nick is just waiting to pick up the pieces.
It's all going according to plan, a plan reminiscent of David's psycho attempts to win back Tina. Just remind me again? How successful was that? Nick may succeed in winning the battle when it comes to sabotaging Peter, but winning back Leanne? Well, that's quite a different story.
I never had Nick Tilsley/Platt pegged as the maniacal evil genius type. Show-off? Yes. Momma's Boy? Definitely? Big talker? Affirmative. Quasi-Canadian? eh? Commitment-phobe? Can't say either way. The point is, I generally considered Nick to be the "I'm taking my marbles and going home" type of guy rather than the "cold, calculating" type of guy.
It seems that I'm wrong.
Nick seems to have brilliantly masterminded the demise of Peter (that's not really too hard, all you need is a bottle of voddie -ed) and is well on his way to breaking up the happy union of Leanne and Peter -- before they even roll/walk down the aisle. And, Nick is doing all this with an evil grin and a Mr Burn's cackle. One might even say 'Excellent!'
It's almost like David (you know the one with the weedwacker hairdo - ed) and Nick are twin brothers, spawned from exactly the same unholy genetic code (DNA + G&T ? - ed). David used to be the only psycho in town but now Nick's acting like a top-grade manipulative maniac. He reintroduced Peter to alcohol (only took 3.5 secs - ed). He pretended to be Peter's best friend. He engineered the rift between Leanne and Peter and the ouster of Janice. He even caused Leanne to miss Peter's physio session (watch me while I get a leg over! -ed). Now Peter is a mess and Nick is just waiting to pick up the pieces.
It's all going according to plan, a plan reminiscent of David's psycho attempts to win back Tina. Just remind me again? How successful was that? Nick may succeed in winning the battle when it comes to sabotaging Peter, but winning back Leanne? Well, that's quite a different story.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the Owengate edition
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 14 episode on CBC
Not since Ocean's 11 have we seen such a groovy heist as Eileen and Julie's basic black burglary. Armed with only a song, the intrepid twosome manage to steal some incriminating evidence to beat back Owen, the nasty builder. Elsewhere on the Street, the news is not so good. John's in the nut ward. Hope is on a ventilator. Fiz is distraught & Tracy is hyperventilating. Peter is rolling along the path of self-destruction and Chris is still giving Lloyd the evil eye. Not much to do except get on with this week's roundup of memorable lines or TGIF. Yeah, baby:
Sally takes a dim view of Janice's prospects for finding a man:
"I thought all your dates were speed dates"
(they do seem to end pretty quickly)
Rosie isn't surprised by John Stape's mental woes:
"You can't spell psychological without psycho"
(I'm sure Rosie can)
Nick is disgusted by Rosie's behaviour:
"You're an attention-seeking little cow"
(don't sugar coat it, Nick. Tell us what you really think)
Eddie Windass' conversation while minding the switch at Streetcars
"What are ya' wearing?"
(I get the same question every time I call Diamond Cab in Montreal)
Julie tells Eileen that her caper is inspired by the move, First Wives' Club:
"I'm Goldie Hawn, you're Diane Keaton..."
(I'm nauseous)
Julie takes issue with Owen's use of the word 'stole':
"Stole is a very ugly word unless preceded by 'mink' "
(or followed by 'second base')
Eddie offers his philosophy to Anna and Gary:
"There's more to life than work"
(...and he should know)
Tracy doesn't want Deirdre to mention her prison record:
"Can we call it my brief stay in a spa"
(Sure and let's say the warden is a 'masseuse' and the sauna is 'solitary')
Claudia extols the virtues of her new man:
"He doesn't have half the Brazilian rainforest sprouting out his nose"
(at his age, they call that 'old growth')
Not since Ocean's 11 have we seen such a groovy heist as Eileen and Julie's basic black burglary. Armed with only a song, the intrepid twosome manage to steal some incriminating evidence to beat back Owen, the nasty builder. Elsewhere on the Street, the news is not so good. John's in the nut ward. Hope is on a ventilator. Fiz is distraught & Tracy is hyperventilating. Peter is rolling along the path of self-destruction and Chris is still giving Lloyd the evil eye. Not much to do except get on with this week's roundup of memorable lines or TGIF. Yeah, baby:
Sally takes a dim view of Janice's prospects for finding a man:
"I thought all your dates were speed dates"
(they do seem to end pretty quickly)
Rosie isn't surprised by John Stape's mental woes:
"You can't spell psychological without psycho"
(I'm sure Rosie can)
Nick is disgusted by Rosie's behaviour:
"You're an attention-seeking little cow"
(don't sugar coat it, Nick. Tell us what you really think)
Eddie Windass' conversation while minding the switch at Streetcars
"What are ya' wearing?"
(I get the same question every time I call Diamond Cab in Montreal)
Julie tells Eileen that her caper is inspired by the move, First Wives' Club:
"I'm Goldie Hawn, you're Diane Keaton..."
(I'm nauseous)
Julie takes issue with Owen's use of the word 'stole':
"Stole is a very ugly word unless preceded by 'mink' "
(or followed by 'second base')
Eddie offers his philosophy to Anna and Gary:
"There's more to life than work"
(...and he should know)
Tracy doesn't want Deirdre to mention her prison record:
"Can we call it my brief stay in a spa"
(Sure and let's say the warden is a 'masseuse' and the sauna is 'solitary')
Claudia extols the virtues of her new man:
"He doesn't have half the Brazilian rainforest sprouting out his nose"
(at his age, they call that 'old growth')
***
Well, my faithful fellow fans, that's it for another week. It's been a strange week on the street with lots of bad news and not much cheer. Let's hope that Fiz can extricate herself from the tangled web of Stape and that poor Gary can pick up the pieces. Here's hoping anyway... Have a great weekend and enjoy the omnibus. Cheers and thanks for stopping by.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The last temptation of Peter Barlow
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 11 episode on CBC
Peter Barlow is falling back into his old habits (bigamy? - ed). Admittedly, being a recovering alcoholic is no walk in the park and is a constant work in progress. Even more challenging when you spend half your time in the Rovers watching the punters (like Janice) downing pitchers of Sangria.
Then, of course, there's Nick Tilsley (the n-word? - ed). His dastardly plan to get Peter to fall off the wagon consists mainly of putting alcohol in front of Peter at every opportunity. Let me illustrate with a few fictitious examples:
Peter: Oh hi Nick, mate, what brings you to the flat?
Nick: I just bought several barrels of Chablis at an auction and, well, I just don't have anywhere to store them right now. Mind if I keep them here in your living room for a few days?
Peter: Of course not. What are mates for?
Peter Barlow is falling back into his old habits (bigamy? - ed). Admittedly, being a recovering alcoholic is no walk in the park and is a constant work in progress. Even more challenging when you spend half your time in the Rovers watching the punters (like Janice) downing pitchers of Sangria.
Then, of course, there's Nick Tilsley (the n-word? - ed). His dastardly plan to get Peter to fall off the wagon consists mainly of putting alcohol in front of Peter at every opportunity. Let me illustrate with a few fictitious examples:
Peter: Oh hi Nick, mate, what brings you to the flat?
Nick: I just bought several barrels of Chablis at an auction and, well, I just don't have anywhere to store them right now. Mind if I keep them here in your living room for a few days?
Peter: Of course not. What are mates for?
***
Peter: Oh hi, Nick, mate, what brings you round again?
Nick: I just suddenly got interested in brewing me own beer and, well, I wondered if I could set up my equipment in your flat for a few days while I brew and bottle a few hundred pints...
Peter: Of course, help yourself. Don't mind me. What are mates for?
***
Peter: Oh hi Nick. You again?
Nick: Yeah. sorry to bother you again Peter, but there's brewery truck just overturned down by the viaduct and I thought we could drop by and sup up the spillage... if you think you're able to handle it.
Peter: Yeah, sure. No worries, mate. Wheel me over there.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Tony Gordon It's Friday: the RIP Mrs. Fishwick edition
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 6 episode on CBC
Claire Peacock is a wanted woman. Lloyd is getting on Chris' wick. Peter Barlow is tired of being Ironside. John Stape is a nutter. Tracy has made a remarkable recovery in the Coronation Street Wing of Weatherfield General. Just another week on Coronation Street. What else can I say except 'Tony Gordon It's Friday', our regular round-up of memorable lines. All aboard!
Sally summarizes Kev's situation:
"He lives in a flat with his love child"
(Wasn't that the name of a song by Diana Ross & The Supremes?)
Mrs. Fishwick has her doubts about Colin's whereabouts:
"I don't think he's in Canada"
(pity)
Mrs. Fishwick has an idea for tracking down Colin:
"I was thinking of hiring a private dick"
(is there any other kind?)
Sally summarizes Kevin's rough-hewn ways:
"You're a caveman Kevin Webster"
(maybe he could call the garage: 'Quest for Tire'...)
Mrs Fenwick can't believe where her beloved Colin is buried:
"Underneath the knicker factory!"
(May he Rest in a two-piece)
Mrs. Fenwick asks Stape about the different time zones:
"What time is it in Canada?"
(Time to put Stape back in the nick)
Tracy tells the detectives that her mental capacities are fine:
"My brain's in perfect condition"
(Never been used)
Mrs. Fishwick's neighbour is distressed when John Stapes crushes a talking book:
"You've stepped on Joanna Trollope!"
(Ouch! That's gotta hurt)
Claire Peacock is a wanted woman. Lloyd is getting on Chris' wick. Peter Barlow is tired of being Ironside. John Stape is a nutter. Tracy has made a remarkable recovery in the Coronation Street Wing of Weatherfield General. Just another week on Coronation Street. What else can I say except 'Tony Gordon It's Friday', our regular round-up of memorable lines. All aboard!
Sally summarizes Kev's situation:
"He lives in a flat with his love child"
(Wasn't that the name of a song by Diana Ross & The Supremes?)
Mrs. Fishwick has her doubts about Colin's whereabouts:
"I don't think he's in Canada"
(pity)
Mrs. Fishwick has an idea for tracking down Colin:
"I was thinking of hiring a private dick"
(is there any other kind?)
Sally summarizes Kevin's rough-hewn ways:
"You're a caveman Kevin Webster"
(maybe he could call the garage: 'Quest for Tire'...)
Mrs Fenwick can't believe where her beloved Colin is buried:
"Underneath the knicker factory!"
(May he Rest in a two-piece)
Mrs. Fenwick asks Stape about the different time zones:
"What time is it in Canada?"
(Time to put Stape back in the nick)
Tracy tells the detectives that her mental capacities are fine:
"My brain's in perfect condition"
(Never been used)
Mrs. Fishwick's neighbour is distressed when John Stapes crushes a talking book:
"You've stepped on Joanna Trollope!"
(Ouch! That's gotta hurt)
***
Well, dear fellow Corrie lovers, it looks like the end to another marathon viewing of Corrie. Whew! Five hours a week is a lot to digest. Not that I'm complaining or anything. Hope you have a great weekend and an enjoyable Thanksgiving. Thanks, as always, for stopping by and reading. All the best and I'll see you here next week for more of the Hip. Cheers!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
CBC Corrie schedule change for Thursday October 6
Attention Corrie Lovers!
Please note that the regularly scheduled episode of Coronation Street will be preempted on Thursday due to a special Hockey Night in Canada.
Coronation Street will be broadcast at 1:00 p.m.(EDT) on Thursday October 6.
Please check your local listings for the broadcast time of Corrie in your area.
John Stape explains how to phone someone in Canada
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 4 episode on CBC
John Stape is sinking deeper and deeper into his own self-constructed web of lies. He can't help it. Lying has become an involuntary reflex for ol' Johnnie -- like breathing or having a pint at the Rovers. But one of the consequences of lying is the unfortunate impact it has on innocent bystanders like poor old Colin Fishwick's Mum.
The Stapes happen to run into Mrs. Fishwick at the 'Coronation Street Wing' of the Weatherfield Hospital and Stape has a sudden pang of conscience about the people who have... er... snuffed it under his watch. Colin, as you will recall, keeled over in the Stape house (aka death row(house) - ed) and was subsequently given a touching cement burial in Underworld (may he rest in knickers - ed).
Colin's Mum wants to phone Colin and she thinks he's in Canada (again). How is she to know that Canada is a euphemism for the afterlife? (well, TimBits are rather heavenly - ed). Anyway, John tells Mrs. Fishwick she can't speak to Colin but she can leave a message on his cellphone. And, being such a kind killer, John even tells her a bit about the phone protocol in Canada. I'd like to expand on that as a public service:
When to call Canada?
After dark. We don't like to answer our phones unless we can't see them (we're funny that way).
How much does it cost to call Canada?
Oddly, it's a local call and, better still, all fees are charged to John Stape.
How to call Canada?
Dial a cellphone number (John will write it down for you) and leave a message. A Bell Canada employee will review the message, assess its content and then decide whether to forward it to one of 30 million phone users.
Why call Canada?
Most missing persons tend to cluster in Canada for a variety of reasons including: Shania Twain, Niagara Falls, ice wine & hockey.
How does phone sex work in Canada?
Badly. First you dial John Stape's cellphone number and leave a voicemail message. Someone will get back to you with a Bell Canada-approved response within 5-7 business days anytime between 8 a.m. and noon or between 2 p.m. and 7 p.m.. (However, I must say it seems unlikely that Mrs. Fishwick would be interested in this subject).
John Stape is sinking deeper and deeper into his own self-constructed web of lies. He can't help it. Lying has become an involuntary reflex for ol' Johnnie -- like breathing or having a pint at the Rovers. But one of the consequences of lying is the unfortunate impact it has on innocent bystanders like poor old Colin Fishwick's Mum.
The Stapes happen to run into Mrs. Fishwick at the 'Coronation Street Wing' of the Weatherfield Hospital and Stape has a sudden pang of conscience about the people who have... er... snuffed it under his watch. Colin, as you will recall, keeled over in the Stape house (aka death row(house) - ed) and was subsequently given a touching cement burial in Underworld (may he rest in knickers - ed).
Colin's Mum wants to phone Colin and she thinks he's in Canada (again). How is she to know that Canada is a euphemism for the afterlife? (well, TimBits are rather heavenly - ed). Anyway, John tells Mrs. Fishwick she can't speak to Colin but she can leave a message on his cellphone. And, being such a kind killer, John even tells her a bit about the phone protocol in Canada. I'd like to expand on that as a public service:
When to call Canada?
After dark. We don't like to answer our phones unless we can't see them (we're funny that way).
How much does it cost to call Canada?
Oddly, it's a local call and, better still, all fees are charged to John Stape.
How to call Canada?
Dial a cellphone number (John will write it down for you) and leave a message. A Bell Canada employee will review the message, assess its content and then decide whether to forward it to one of 30 million phone users.
Why call Canada?
Most missing persons tend to cluster in Canada for a variety of reasons including: Shania Twain, Niagara Falls, ice wine & hockey.
How does phone sex work in Canada?
Badly. First you dial John Stape's cellphone number and leave a voicemail message. Someone will get back to you with a Bell Canada-approved response within 5-7 business days anytime between 8 a.m. and noon or between 2 p.m. and 7 p.m.. (However, I must say it seems unlikely that Mrs. Fishwick would be interested in this subject).
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