Ocean's Eleven (minus 7) on Coronation Street

please note this post makes reference to the Feb 27 episode on CBC

I don't know about you, but I love a caper (preferably with a slice of smoked salmon and a bagel - ed). So what's the lowdown with Corrie's own rat pack (not to be confused with the pack of rats down by the viaduct - ed)? Well, here's the skinny:

The Caper:
Win back the £2,000 which Sylvia Cropper lost while gambling.

The Gang:
Ken "The Teacher" Barlow: don't cross him or he'll write a long-winded column in the weekly newspaper.
Dennis "The Moocher" Tanner: don't tangle with him, he's got a debit card and he almost knows how to use it.
Sylvia "The Godmother" Cropper: don't mess with her or she'll correct your syntax and grammar.
Roy "The Rainman" Cropper: don't get him angry or he will cut you... off the Weatherfield Historical Society mailing list.

The Plan:
Infiltrate the Weatherfield Casino and Laundromat (slogan: "we'll clean your smalls while we clean you out"). Enter said Casino, stopping only for a round of pineapple juices, then load up the Blackjack table with ringers (Ken. Sylvia & Dennis) and let Grandmaster Roy do his thing.

The Secret Weapon:
Math

No, really, what's the Secret Weapon?
Roy is a math whiz. He spent a couple of hours reading a book and practicing how to count cards. Now all he has to do is make sure it works before the oily casino manager gets wise to the heist.

The Getaway Vehicle:
The Weatherfield Wayfarer Bus (runs every 35 minutes, every 45 minutes on evenings and weekends)


...I love it when a plan comes together (assuming that the plan does in fact come together)

If Kirsty Soames had made a public appeal...

please note this post makes reference to the Feb 25 episode on CBC

Well it looks like the coppers have finally found Tyrone and Fiz and the infants, hidden in the wilds of Wales at a remote B&B (TV not included. Check out at noon - ed). I suppose it's all for the best but I confess that I was rather looking forward to Kirsty's public appeal. I don't know what she was planning to say in the televised press conference, but I'm guessing that it would have gone something like this...

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the media and viewers at home,

I'm sorry to interrupt The Jeremy Kyle Show but I want to make an urgent public appeal to everyone to be on the lookout for my baby. Her name is... um (sorry just waiting for the teleprompter to catch up) er, yes Ruby. Of course.

Ruby was kidnapped from the home of those knuckle-dragging, brain dead, morons (no offence), the Websters, a few days ago.

She was abducted by Tyrone Dobbs, the man who humiliated me at the altar and, believe you me, he'll pay for that. Oh yes, he'll pay. Can't even make my tea on time or keep the house clean or iron a blouse when I snap my fingers. Can you believe it?  Am I right, ladies? What a stupid, incompetent, lying idiot. Oh yes, I almost forgot, and abusive too. No wonder I refused to put his name on the birth certificate. Oooh sorry, should have left that last bit out.

Anyway, Tyrone and that redheaded Slag (it actually says 'Fiz Brown' on the teleprompter) were having it off behind my back and now they've run off, the pair of them. Of course, I blame her, the evil ginger cow. I'll be happy to stitch her up. In fact, I tried a few weeks ago but the horrible hag escaped. Next time I'll finish the job. Let's see what she has to say then, the randy red menace. (sorry, went off script again)

Anyway, long story short, if you see them or my baby, please contact your local police.

Thank you and remember 'Don't Drink and Drive' yatta yatta. Now get out. Get out all of you. I have a migraine. Turn that camera off now or I'll smash it."

Tony Gordon It's Sunday: the Anglesey hideout edition

note: no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

Apologies to all Corrie Confreres. This week, Tony Gordon It's Friday (TGIF) has become TGIS, Tony Gordon It's Sunday, due to factors beyond my control (48 hours of skiving? - ed).  It seems that the Great Tyrone & Fiz Caper has polarized the Street. Some think Ty is a monster, some think Kirsty is a monster. Let's just agree that Norris is annoying and call it quits. Anyhoo, I forewarn you, dear punters and punterettes, that it has not been a banner week for great quotes (certainly not following Lewis' unforgettable limited edition DVD). But one must soldier one, mustn't one?


Marcus observes that Maria has finally had enough of Beth, Kirk & Craig in her apartment:
"I think it was the rat that broke the camel's back"
(darn, and just when Darrell the Rat was getting some decent story lines)


Sophie complains to Sally about having to look after baby Ruby:
"Just because I'm a Christian, doesn't mean I have to babysit everyone"
(actually I think it does, check the fine print in the Paul's first letter to the Corinthians) 


Kirk's observation while wandering through a bar on Canal Street
"I love gays, me"

(hmm, here's case where 'don't ask, don't tell' might actually be a good thing)

Tommy defends Tyrone's mental state to Chesney:

"The only head case round here is Kirsty"

(... and maybe Tracy)

Sylvia tells Anna that looking after Faye is no problem:

"I've always had a way with children"

(I guess that's why Roy hid in a trunk during his birthday party)

Norris pontificates to all and sundry in the Rovers about Tyrone and Fiz:
"This is John Stape all over again"

(but without the murder and the psychopathy)

Norris again:

"Abduction is abduction"

(Fussbudget is fussbudget)


Audrey doesn't like Norris' sentiments:

"Your'e a one man lynch mob"

(although the sweater vest makes him less menacing)


Beth curtails her anger at being turfed out by Maria:

"You're lucky I'm feeling randy otherwise we'd be having this out right now"

(when Beth is feeling randy, no-one is really lucky...except maybe Kirk)

Marcus assures Maria about his feelings for her: 

"Replace the word 'gay' with 'happy' and that's where I am in my life"

(So now you support happy marriage?)

***

Well, that's it for the week. What on earth will Fiz and Tyrone do in Anglesey? On the down side, they only have a few quid left. On the plus side, they could visit the village with the longest official place name in the United Kingdom, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Although, just saying the name a few times would probably use up an entire episode. Ah well, just a thought.

Enjoy your Sunday and thanks so much for your kind comments and for visiting the Hip. I'll meet you here next week as the saga of Ty and Fiz continues. Till then, have a great week!

Coronation Street life strategy: running away

please note this post makes reference to the Feb 19 episode on CBC

Got financial, legal or personal problems? Try running away to Ireland. After all, it seems to be a traditional option on the Street. Doing a runner seems to be an accepted solution to life's problems even though it defies logic and almost never works.

Currently Tyrone has determined that the only practical solution to his woes is to run off with baby Ruby. Where, you ask? Perhaps Australia or Canada (fingers crossed - ed)?  No, Ireland. Yes, that should do the trick. Nothing like a day trip to throw the police off your trail.

Mind you, it's certainly not the first time this plan (and I use the term loosely) has been tried. As I recall, Joe McIntyre tried running away (yes, he aimed for Ireland) when he (wait for it) tried to fake his own death.

Claire Peacock decided that running away to (wait for it) France would be the perfect solution to her troubles after assaulting Tracy Barlow. She took off one night with her kids and was never seen again. (Vive Le Runner! - ed).

Even the rational and astute Roy and Hayley went AWOL with one of their young foster children to protect the child from possible harm.

I'm sure there are lots of other examples but the bottom line is that doing a runner almost never works. Sorry, Tyrone. I know you're desperate but it's really not a good idea.

 

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Lewis Archer DVD edition

please note this post makes reference to the February 14 episode on CBC

Welcome to this week's TGIF, or Tony Gordon It's Friday, our weekly round up of memorable lines. I know I missed some this week because of technical difficulties, so please bear with me:

Lewis disputes David's characterization of his profession:
"I'm no longer a gigolo"

(check his LinkedIn page)

Audrey to Gail about Lewis' proclivities:

"He was born to seduce"

(wasn't that a Steppenwolf song?)

Tracy dismisses counselling from Peter Barlow:
"Like I'm going to take relationship advice from a bigamist"

(It just means he has twice as much advice to give)

Rob shows off is oenophile smarts to Tracy:

"I know that red wine is red"

(but what about the white wine?)

Rob complains about Kirk:

"If he were an X-Man, he'd be logjam"

(His special power is getting lost during deliveries)

and now, a special bonus pack from the Lewis DVD episode:

Lewis to Gail via DVD:

"Did you seriously think I could ever love you?" 

(well, yes)

Lewis to Audrey via DVD:

"You did what no other woman ever could"

(paid off one of my scam victims?)

Lewis to Kylie via DVD:
"You could do a good deal better than that weasel of a husband"

(just a minute, who are you calling a husband?)


Lewis to Gail via DVD:
"Chi cento ne fa, una ne aspetti"

(what goes around comes around)


Gail reacts to Lewis' devastating DVD:
"I thought this was my fairy tale ending"
(only if the fairy tale is 'Titanic')


David is appalled by Gail's plan to run away with Lewis:
"I'm sure you'd have lived happily ever after with Prince Smarmy"
(Could be Lewis' real name)


Gail's summarizes her plight:
"He's broken me heart and ground it into the floor with his built-up shoe" 
(he made short work of it)


David is shocked to learn that Lewis and Gail never consummated their affair:
"What? He diddled you out of 40 grand and you never got to sample the goods?"
(What's the world coming to?)


David hands over the incriminating DVD to the police:
"That disc should give them a good laugh down at the station"
(almost as many chuckles as Benny Hill on Blue Ray)

***

Coronation Street CBC schedule change for Feb 15

Just a quick reminder in case you missed the screen crawl last night. Coronation Street will not be seen at its regular time tonight, Friday February 15.. It will be seen at 6:30pm (in the east) - one hour earlier than usual. Please check your local TV listings or the CBC website for the time in your area.

(Tony Gordon It's Friday will appear later today).

Coronation Street vs. Downton Abbey

please note: no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

I hate to veer off the course of pure unadulterated Corrie, but I feel compelled by the striking similarities between Coronation Street and Downton Abbey.  Am I out of my mind or is Downton Abbey really Coronation Street with better clothes, posher accents and larger houses?

I think it is.  Upon closer examination, Lord Grantham's vast country estate has more in common with the Red Rec than you might care to admit. Consider a few parallels:

Downton: Lady Edith is wooed by a married newspaper fella whose wife happens to be in an asylum
Coronation Street: Eileen Grimshaw is wooed by a married firefighter fella whose wife happens to have Alzheimer's.

Downton: A feisty Irishman named Branson becomes inextricably involved with the Grantham toffs.
Coronation Street:  Two words: Jim McDonald (so he is)

Downton: A bounder (aka Lewis Archer) turns up and the period gigolo tries to take advantage of Lady Rosamund
Coronation Street: A bounder (Lewis Archer) turns up and the modern gigolo takes advantage of Audrey, Gail (and God knows how many more Platts)

Downton: Lady Edith is jilted at the altar
Coronation Street: Who isn't jilted at the altar? Tyrone, Leanne. Take your pick.

Downton: A gay under butler servant (aka Liam)
Coronation Street: a straight Under world owner (Liam)

Downton: The Countess of Grantham, the acerbic-tongued dowager of Downton with the best one liners

Coronation Street: Blanche Hunt, the original acerbic-tongued dowager of Coronation Street with the best one liners.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: The Italian for Lovers edition

please note this post makes reference to the Feb 7 episode on CBC

Mamma Mia! What is Gail doing? Si, Gail. Signora McIntyre. Senora Plattisima. Non capisco. You're telling Lewis "Ti amo" but, non lo so. Può ripetere, per cortesia? Perhaps you're getting carried away with that DVD (Italian for Lovers) you bought at the Pound Shop? I know you want to run away with Signor Lewis in campagna but maybe you should think about it, especially now that Audrey has caught you lipo-a-lipo. Grandmamma mia! Let's get to the memorable lines of the week in this edition of Antonio Gordon, It's venerdì:


Nick is flabbergasted when Gail orders too many snacks:
"Who orders 500 jars of olives?"

(The Proclaimers at a bar? - [see Thursday's post])

Steve describes Tracy's traits to Rob:

"She lies, she's manipulative, she's cruel,  she's ruthless, she's vindictive, she's spiteful... You like her don't you?"

(What's not to like?)

Steve again:

"I wouldn't recommend a date with Tracy Barlow to my worst enemy"

(enter Rob)

Kirk is appalled at the marriage shenanigans between Ty and Kirsty: 

"This wedding has turned into a total disaster"

(even worse than Nick and Leanne's?)

Gail fantasizes about la dolce vita with Lewis:

"I think we'd be very happy in Italy"

(well, one of you would)

Julie is devoting herself to Kirsty:

"I promise that I am going to be the best friend you have from now on"

(Hmm, I think some might call that poetic justice) 


Sally advises Sophie of the importance of not being earnest:
"You need to look more for the bad in people"

(another pearl of wisdom from Sally "Mother Teresa" Webster)

Lewis is surprised that Gail has changed her mind about Italy:

"I thought the lady wasn't for turning"

(She's more like the ironing lady, than the iron lady)

Tyrone thinks the detective inspector has already come to a conclusion:

"To him I'm just some meat head who thinks with his fists" 

(No, I believe that would be Kevin or Owen)

Tina has a short summary of Kirsty:

"She's a manipulative cow"

(and udderly beyond contempt)

***

Well, dear Corrie colleagues, so endeth another week on the Street and things are heating up, especially with La Bella Gail and her Bella Mom. Fancy being caught out snogging the ex-beau of your mother! Oh the humanity! Well, Gail's got some 'splaining to do and I don't think her Italian DVD will help, per favore. Till next week, it's arriverderci! Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your comments. Prego.

The Ballad of Gail Platt (with apologies to The Proclaimers)

please note this post makes reference to the Feb 6 episode on CBC

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the song, "500 Jars" (the ballad of Gail Platt) - with sincere apologies to The Proclaimers. I think you know how it goes....

When I wake up, I know I'm gonna be, I'm going to be the Mom who really loves her son
When I go out, yeah I know I'm going to be the mom who helps her darling Nicky get things done

At the Bistro, when I'm working, I'm gonna make sure Nicky's business is improved
When I phone up, the supplier, I'm gonna order olives with the pits removed

chorus:

And I would buy 500 jars
Yes I would buy 500 more
Oops it looks like there are many, jars arriving at your door

(tadalalala tadalalala tadalalala tadalalalalalala)

Rob Connor & Tracy Barlow: eDisharmony

please note this post makes reference to the February 5 episode on CBC

Oh my! It's a lethal combination, like putting Dyno and Mite together and getting (MiteDyno? - ed), well, something explosive. I'm talking about Rob and Tracy. What are the chances of those two hooking up?  I don't know but let's imagine, for a moment, that they had placed personal ads on Weatherfield's Craigslist (I didn't know Beth's son had a list - ed) or that each had dabbled in online dating. I think their personal ads might go something like this...

LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH A FUN GUY...
Attractive, single female with time on her hands looking for rich, handsome man to enjoy life with. Must love expensive vacations, exhausting lines of credit and adventure, oh and also sprogs ('cause I have one but it's no big deal, I can pawn her off on the grandparents during our dates).

As a career woman with a background in correctional services, flower arranging and pub serving, I am currently between jobs. If you enjoy wild sex, spending loads of dosh and occasionally getting hit in the head with a blunt object, then perhaps we can get together for a PGE (Psycho Girlfriend Experience)? Losers need not apply.


MISS WRONG COULD BE MISS RIGHT FOR ME...
Fast track garment industry executive with vast experience in UK justice system looking for non-serious relationship with special woman. Must be fit, enjoy long walks on the Red Rec and watching the sun rise over the viaduct after a night of passionate love making, or darts in the Rovers.

Pet Peeves: bad lager, Kirk Sutherland, quality clothing, ethics, the law and prison showers. Likes: footy, fast cars, expensive suits and cooking (particularly the books at Underworld). Please include a photo (clothes optional) and be prepared to discuss 50 Shades of Grey (our new line of ladies' undergarments at the factory)  

please switch off your mobile devices in church!

please note this post makes reference to the February 1 episode on CBC


Most Reverend Colin Johnson-Johnson
Vicar
St Martins-in-the-Squalor Church
Weatherfield, Greater Manchester


Dear Parishioners of St Martins,

While we dearly embrace, through the grace of God, all the modern conveniences of our time, I feel I must advise a cautionary note regarding the ubiquitous nature of mobile devices. Heaven knows that I am not without sin in this matter. Many's the time my Samsung Galaxy has gone off at choir practice during a Latin religious choral work (BTW sorry Deacon, I am filled with motet regret).

While I enjoy imperious text messages from the archbishop as much as the next celebrant (LOL), I feel compelled to point out that mobile phones have no place in the church liturgy (No, not even in vibrate mode).

Recently we have had more than a few cases of iPhone iNterruptus (if you'll pardon the expression) during solemn ceremonies causing discord and, in one case, the revelation of an unpleasant  love triangle involving an individual known only as 'Fiz'. (In this case, I believe the cellular culprit was a Nokia 100, an affordable basic dual-band cell phone with 1.8" TFT display)

But I digress. The point is that cell phones, of any type, are disruptive in the church setting. Believe me, no-one wants their funeral or baptism interrupted by a Lady Gaga ringtone. (once again, guilty as charged!)

So, with that in mind, I would politely ask you to please switch off your android and apple mobile devices (and, yes even Blackberrys, if anyone still has one!) while attending services at St. Martins.

May God Bless,

etc etc.
  

TGIF: The world's worst Hen Do edition

please note this post makes reference to the Jan 31 episode on CBC

I've seen some bad bachelorette parties on Coronation Street over the years, but Kirsty's aborted pre-wedding celebration was probably the worst (and that was even before she found Ty's cellphone in the sofa - ed). In fact, I would venture to say that Kirsty's bachelorette celebration was more of a 'Hen Don't' than a 'Hen Do'. (Stop with the bad jokes and get on with it - ed). Anyhoo, let's cut to the chase with a weekly celebration we like to call 'Tony Gordon It's Friday'  or TGIF. our round-up of some of the memorable lines of the week.  Take it away:

Mary shares a family story with Roy who is suffering from back pain:
"Mitty was a martyr to her lumbago"

(I believe she's on the Pope's short list for canonization: Saint Mitty of Lumbago)

Dev struggles to find out from Sunita why she's attracted to Karl:

"Is he good in bed?"

(well, he does spend a lot of time sleeping)


Karl is angry with Sunita:
"You're a manipulative cow"

(Moo-ve on Karl)

Sunita is angry with Karl:
"You're a liar, a gambler and you're cruel"

(and those are his good points)

Mary is prepared to soothe Roy's aching back:

"The liniment is imminent"

(but liquor would be quicker)

Sean is appalled by Kirsty's bad bachelorette party:

"This is the worst hen do"

(just wait till the wedding)

Kirsty is hatching an evil scheme and visits Fiz:
"I don't bite"

(I wouldn't be so sure)


Carla reluctantly agrees to take Rob back at Underworld:
"I'd rather have you in the tent peeing out, rather than other way round"

(why can't he step out of the tent and pee in the washroom like everyone else?)

***

Well, faithful co-Corrie conspirators. that's it for this edition. Another week, another wedding on the Street. This one should be a doozie. I'm expecting a cross between Carrie, The Shining and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and, if Tyrone's not careful, 'The English Patient'. Have a great weekend. Thanks so much for stopping by and all the best. Cheers!