Tony Gordon It's Friday: the free Norris Cole edition

please note: this post makes reference to the January 26 episode on CBC

"Mrs. Cropperchev, tear down that wall!", er I mean, "Open that washroom door!" When it comes to the tyranny at Roy's Rolls, we are all Norris Cole (surely not - ed). Poor Norris. Locked away in a dark washroom for 12 long years hours simply because of his beliefs (you shouldn't have to pay 10p to take a pee? -ed). How did he keep his spirits up? (not to mention the toilet seat - ed) What did he do to while away the long hours? (number 1? - ed). Incarceration seems to be the theme of Corrie this week what with Fiz in jail, Norris in the washroom and Ms. Julie Carp, a prisoner of her desires. (get on with it! -ed). Ah yes, this week's TGIF, our weekly assortment of soft-centred and hard-centred delights. Take your pick:

Julie is pining for the lovely Brian:
"Single: the cruelest word in the English language"
(I always thought it was 'torture')


Audrey sums up the business acumen of David and Kylie:
"You two couldn't run a bath never mind a salon"
(and even a bath would be challenging)


Julie makes scintillating chit chat with Brian at the bistro:
"Do you like offal?"
(if you're referring to refers to the internal organ and entrails of a butchered animal, then I think the answer's obvious)


Julie throws herself at Brian:
"I'm offering you the full English here"
(so is Sylvia Cropper but no one's jumping at the chance)


Julia again to Brian:

"You could have unlocked the gates to my kingdom tonight" 
(sounds like Narnia)


Sylvia's scathing sarcasm directed at Karl who wants to use the loo: 
"Please come in and relieve yourself on us"
(Don't give him ideas)


Becky to Fiz about ratting out the drug dealers in prison:

"Nothing ever good happens to a grass"
(words to live by)


Sylvia Cropper proudly reveals the location of Norris
"I locked him in the bathroom overnight"
(now who's for an expensive cup of tea with no milk?)


Marcus tells Julie she should be more proactive in her quest for a man:
"I'm a woman, Marcus not a yoghurt"
(check the best buy date)

***

Well, faithful co-followers of Corrie, that wraps up another week with Fiz about to do something ill-advised in prison. Hopefully her sense of self-preservation will prevail.  And Carla? Well, one can only guess as to why she's rushing into marriage with Frank Foster. Then there's Lloyd, Chris and Cheryl. That combination can't be good for anyone.  We can only wait and see what happens. In the meantime, have a great weekend, enjoy the omnibus on Sunday morning and see you here next week. Cheers!

One cup of coffee please, Sylvia

please note: this post makes reference to the Jan 24 episode on CBC

Roy's mother is appalled by the poor revenues at Roy's Rolls and she's determined to do something about it. Her plan to restore the caf to profitability is bold and involves: sausage cutbacks, bacon reductions, sticky bun rationalization and possibly layoffs (not Fiz's baby, surely - ed). Price hikes are another unfortunate reality in order to generate better returns for shareholders and keep Roy's Rolls competitive (stop the corporate wankchat and get on with it ! - ed). But what does it all mean for the customer? Well, if you buy a coffee, the bill might look something like this...

Coffee (black).....                     £1.20
sugar...................                          10p (per spoonful additional charge)
milk.....................                          10p (additional charge)
spoon rental..........                           5p (2p reimburseable upon return)
take-away or eat in fee.......            5p
cup & utensil cleaning charge..    5p
gratuity........                                    20%
smile.........                                         not included
VAT.........                                           20%
Olympic Games surtax...               5.5%
----------------------------------------------
Total charge...                             £2.35

Thank You! Have a nice day!

Tony Gordon It's Friday - the reflexology edition

please note: this post makes reference to the Jan 19 episode on CBC

The Reflexology? Wasn't that a song by Duran Duran? You remember, the one where Simon LeBon was prancing around on a yacht pretending to sing? (wasn't he always pretending to sing? - ed). Or maybe I'm getting that confused with something else (The reflux? - ed). Anyhoo, let's turn out attention from Simon LeBon to Simon LeBad, aka David Platt. Now that he's got control of the salon, God knows what will happen (OAPs run for your lives!). Hmm, reminds me of a post I once wrote.. (get on with it - ed).  This week I did not lose my notes (too bad -ed) so let's get it on:

Becky has a choice comment for Nick's mom at the Bistro:
"Gail, those toilets won't clean themselves"
(unless they are those fancy new toilets made in Japan)


Tracy objects to Steve's name-calling:
"let's not get hung up on labels"
(You say 'potato' and I say 'cold blooded murderer')


Audrey assures Maria that Mrs. Oliver is not privy to their conversation:
"She can't hear. She's under the dryer"
(Think of it as a 'cone of silence' with a heating element)


Audrey chats with another woman at the Crosswires lunch:
"And how long has your husband been dressing up?"
(Since palazzo pants came back into fashion)


Kylie revises her opinion of Gail and tells David:
"She's not a complete and utter cow after all"
(no offense)


Tommy explains his raison d'etre to Tina:
"I'm like a shark. if they stop flirting, they die"
(Reminds me of that TV show about a Great White called 'Slapper')


Kylie makes a candid confession to Julie:
"I hate feet and yours are rank"
(don't hold back, tell us how you really feel)


Lloyd tells Steve what he thinks of Steve's one-night stand with Tracy:
"you're as mad as a box of frogs"
(that's an insult to frogs... and boxes)


David tells Gail the secret to handling Becky:
"Just keep her away from sledgehammers"
(sounds easy enough)


Former 'model' Beth to her date, Steve:
"My life has been going down the toilet so fast, you wouldn't believe it"
(Fortunately, Gail has cleaned them)

***

And that'll do it for the week. Not a bad week really. Becky keeps doing the same drama but, on the other hand, watching David and Kylie run the salon is a whole sitcom unto itself. OAPs beware! Hope you had a good week and enjoy the omnibus on Sunday. I'll see you back here next week for more of the Hip. Thanks for stopping by. Cheers!

Hip to Steve: Four weddings and it's your funeral

note: this post makes reference to the Jan 18 episode on CBC

In solidarity with websites like Wikipedia, Reddit, Cheezburger Network and Boing Boing, Blanche's Polish Hip resolved to go on strike, frustrating readers by being difficult - if not impossible - to access (in other words, business as usual -ed). Today it's back to normal so that the tens of visitors to this website can breathe a collective sigh or relief. We're back! (how can we tell? -ed).

First order of business? Steve McDonald. My oh my. Steve is rapidly approaching the 'Tudor Standard' of matrimony (Henry VIII move over - ed) with four marriages, three wives, too little thinking and one big mistake.

His first marriage was to Vicky, grand-daughter of one-time pub owner and showbiz impressario, Alec Gilroy. If you don't know Alec, just imagine Rene Angelil being married to Bet Lynch (instead of Celine Dion) and you pretty well get the picture. Anyhoo, that didn't go so well. It was one of those 'Upstairs Downstairs' relationships and Steve was definitely downstairs. Vicky liked riding horses, Steve liked betting on them etc etc.

Steve went on to marry Karen, an Underworld worker with delusions of Posh Spice. Dubbed 'Barren Karen' by Tracy, she married Steve on a bet (what are the odds? - ed). It turned out to be the opposite of a trifecta (a dumb-fecta? - ed). Then, as a kind of Pavlovian, repetitive stress syndrome, Steve divorced her and married her again.

Then Steve entered his 'Granger Danger' period. While dating the fabulous Michelle, he fell in love with Becky and finally married her. Now that marriage is kaput and so what does Steve do? Wait for it. He has a one-night stand with ex-jailbird and murderer, Tracy Barlow. Well, Steve, as they say, it's your funeral. Never mind, I'm sure you'll meet someone soon. Just dial 1-800-I'M-A-PLANK and ask for Beth (the former model). 

Marcia makes a speech

note: this post makes reference to the January 16 episode on CBC

Marcia made one heck of a speech in support of her favourite charitable organization (Winners? - ed). Crosswires is a wonderful not-for-profit group which offers advice and support to men who dress up like women. Mark invited Audrey to come to the event and watch 'Marcia' deliver his stirring call to action. Audrey agrees and finds herself in the audience listening raptly. I don't remember exactly what Marcia said but maybe it was something like this:

"Ladies and would-be ladies,

Thank you for joining us today as we raise awareness and money for Crosswires.
This is a cause which is near and dear to my heart. I am not ashamed to stand before you in a size 8 (well, maybe 10) and tell you that, despite appearances I am a man dressed as a woman. Not a big deal. I'm sure everyone does it -- and not just at Halloween. People who refuse to accept the fact that some men like to dress up as women make me very cross and if there's one thing I don't want to be - it's a cross, cross dresser.

As I look out, I see many friends who share my dress size: Geofreya, Michaelette, Basila, to name but a few. We refuse to hide. Our heads and our heels will be high. We will not gloss over our lifestyle or our lips. No, my friends, we will push up funds for Crosswires and our bras. Open your hearts and wallets. We urge everyone to invest-tite in trans-vestites..

Vive Crosswires. Vive la Cage aux Folles."

(applause)

Tony Gordon It's Friday - the bad idea edition

Oh Steve! A leg over with Tracy? The murderer? really? That's just one of the mysteries in last week's Corrie episodes (the other is why you're posting TGIF on Sunday - ed).

The other mystery was pointed out by Judy, fulltime Corrie watcher and part time staff at Tim Hortons. "What's with all the birds?" she asked the other day. At first I didn't know what she was talking about but then while I watching Thursday's episode, I heard it. There is a strong background noise of chirping birds during the episode... and they seem to be everywhere, on the street, in the smoking shelter. What gives? While you mull that over, I'll roll out the TGIF red carpet but unfortunately it's a shortened version since I seemed to have lost my notes (personally, I blame James Barlow).

Tracy proudly points out that she has been a valuable source of info to Sylvia, Roy's mother:
"I told you Hailey was a trans sexual"
(thanks for this!)

Tracy summarizes her view of James:
"I just thought he was a rat-faced weasel"
(Must run in the family)

Apparently Audrey is okay with Mark's lifestyle and is intent on gettin' it on:
"I'm not with Marcia right now"
(But you will be...)

***

Sorry again for brief TGIF. Hope you had a great weekend and I'll meet you here next week as the mysteries of Steve's libido continue to unravel before our eyes. Cheers!

Bigamy 2.0 for Peter Barlow?

please note: this episode makes reference to the January 10 episode on CBC

Peter Barlow must be using a secret formula of Axe Body Wash or an X-rated bottle of Old Spice (Now with more pheromones! - ed). How else to explain his unfettered attraction to the 'ladies'. Oh, sure, I know what you're saying. What woman wouldn't be sexually aroused by a backstreet, chain-smoking, ex-alcoholic bookie with 'Mom' tattoos, a sprog and a history of bigamy?  Good point.

But how will Peter solve his current problem?  Hopelessly attracted to two women: Leanne and Carla. (What about Stella? She seems to have a twinkle in her eye for him too - ed). Both are warm for his form, So what's a former submarine guy to do?

Well, he tried it once and, well yes, it didn't work. But maybe it's time to try it again. Yes, Corrie co-watchers, I'm talking abut the big B (Barm cake? - ed). Bigamy.  He could spend evenings and Sundays with Leanne. He could spend smoke breaks, lunches and Saturdays having a leg over with Carla in the stockroom at Underworld. Everyone would be happy. For a while anyway.

Oh sure, it's not legal and yes, it's odious but what other choice does Peter have?  After all, he's got the Barlow gene - and that means playing away just comes naturally..

Overcrowding on Coronation Street

note: this post makes reference to the  Jan 9 episode on CBC

How do they do it?
(generous consumption of alcohol I would imagine depending on what 'it' is - ed)

Have you noticed how many people are living in some of those tiny houses on Coronation Street? It's amazing that anyone ever gets into the bathroom (especially when Rosie gets back from her 'photo' shoot - ed). Let's take a quick gander at the living arrangements at certain houses.

The Rovers:
Steverino has graciously offered lodging to his new pub manager (Stella) plus Spawn of Stella™ (Eva not Leanne, at least not for the moment) and Stella's man and Steve himself. Okay that's liveable, I guess. But how about

Eileen's house:
There's Eileen plus Marcus plus Sean plus young Dylan plus Jason and, wait for it, Rosie when she returns from her 'photo' shoot. Yikes! That's a lot of people vying for morning toast and tea. But wait, there's more. How about...

The Barlows:
So much for Ken's dreams of a study (or Deirdre's dream of a pottery 'barn'). They're currently bursting at the seams with Ken, Deirdre, James (the Deceiver), Eccles, Tracy and Amy. Yikes! How will Ken ever listen to light opera on the BBC or type out those scathing columns about aging sewers for the Weatherfield Gazette? Of course, there is always...

The Websters:
We've got Sally, Kevin, Baby Jack, Sophie and Shy-Anne, er Cheyanne... er oh never mind, you know who I mean. Even the Allahans are starting to show signs of overcrowding with Dev, Sunita, the two kids and now Amber sleeping on the floor. And, of course, there's Gail's place where David and Kylie are skiving .. er living.. along with darling Nick (at least I think he's still there).

It seems like the only person who's got some decent living space is Audrey. Looks like she'll be sharing with two people: Mark and Marcia.  But that's another story...

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Tasmanian devil edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the January 5 episode on CBC

Happy New Year! What's that you say? Where the hell have you been? (your skiving makes David Platt look like Richard Branson - ed). Fair Comment. I was ingesting Christmas pudding (ahem, I believe you mean 'holiday pudding' - ed) when someone tried to set it on fire. Needless to say the trauma necessitated extended rest and relaxation in a darkened room. But enough about me. Let's talk about Corrie.

The good news? Amber is back. Yay. The bad news? I still need subtitles to understand what Sophie and Sian are on about. But that's okay. The gist is that Kevin's neck veins are bulging out like gristle in a hotpot. That's all we need to know. The question is: what about James? What does he really know about the charity scam?Is Leanne pregnant? Will she let Stella babysit? Only time will tell.

So, let's get to it. And by 'it' I mean the first TGIF of 2012. Let's roll:

Gail summarizes Kylie:
"A Tasmanian devil in a push-up bra"
(the devil made her do it)


Norris is sniffing around for some gossip from Peter:
"I hear trouble is afoot in the Barlow household"
(that's not exactly news)


Deirdre gets a smashing birthday gift from Simon and his parents:
"It's a book on pottery"
(how to stop doing it, I hope)


Gail tells Audrey what she thinks:
"From what I've seen of Mark, he's a real gentleman"
(you don't know the half of it)


Audrey tells David that he has set the bar low with Kylie:
"Just because you chose a creature from the black lagoon, doesn't mean we all will"
(Black Lagoon? Is that the new singles bar down by the canal?)


Kylie clarifies her role as David's wife:
"I can cook. I just choose not to"
(and mankind thanks you for it)

***

Well, that's about it for this week. I hope you had a good holiday and I look forward to watching some quality Corrie in the New Year. Let's see if Stella and her crew can bring some new and interesting stories to the Street in 2012. Cheers and have a great weekend. Meet you back here next week for more Hip.