TGIF April 30

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 29 episode on CBC

First things first. Where did Molly get that seducto music mix tape which she was playing when Kev came by for a quick 'MOT inspection'? (it's the same music mix which Jack uses to get his pigeons in the mood - ed). It certainly sets the mood for another edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), a selection of the memorable lines from the week's Corrie. Hit it!:


Maria's speaks lovingly in appreciation for all of Tony's help with the new baby:
"Do you know, you are an angel sent down to look after us"
(I agree... if that angel's name is Lucifer)


Jason explains what's going on as David showers him and the street with plumbing equipment:
"David’s gone nuts again, that’s what’s going on "
(happens every other week, regular as clockwork)


Studmuffin Bill Webster replies to a lonely hearts' ad by phone:
"My name is Bill and I also am looking for companionship and commitment."
(Aren't those the words to a Johnny Cash song?)


Tyrone's attempts to cook a meal for Molly end in disaster:
"Me moussaka’s charcoal "
(Think of it as a burnt offering...)


Tony helping Maria cope with the challenges of being a new mother:
"How about you finish feeding the wee man "
(You better be talking about the baby, mister)


A policeman wants to know what's going on after Kev & Molly are discovered canoodling and Kev insists he can explain everything:
"Let’s start with the theory of relativity and then you can explain what you two were up to in here... mate."
(E=legover²)


Sally assures Ben's parents that she rarely touches the vino:
"I don’t normally drink alcohol, it’s just on special occasions"
(like Mondays, Tuesdays etc)


Fiz wants to know if she and John can exchange wedding vows in the nick:
"Can you do that? Can you get married in prison?"
(you can but women usually aren't involved)


Helen (Liam's mother) can't help but notice that Tony is spending a lot of time with Maria:
"I'd be very careful because that man is carrying a torch for you"
(...yeah, probably an acetylene torch)


Deeply religious Ben tells Sophie he isn't at all attracted to Rosie:
"Of course I don’t fancy her, she dresses like a hooker."
(Amen)

***

Well that's it for another week of BPH. Hope you enjoyed the week and, if you're an omnibus watched, enjoy the Sunday show. Thanks also for the nice & funny comments. Always a pleasure to hear from you and I'll meet you back here next week as Kev and Molly take it up a notch.
Can't wait. Cheers!

sex drive

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 27 episode on CBC

Poor Kevin and Molly! All that pent-up sexual tension and no place to have it off. Even when Kev comes up with a boffo idea (sex in the posh motor belonging to a snooty customer), it all goes awry when a nosy copper shows up ("allo, allo, what's all this then?" - ed).

Not only that, but the toffee-nosed, upper class bird gets all bent out of shape just because Kev has driven off in her motor for legover purposes, leaving Tyrone (Moron Jr, licensed mechanic? - ed) to handle customer complaints ("I say, you there, sirrah, where's my automobile? I have an impending polo match and I'm already late!"). So where does that leave Kev? (making cucumber sarnies with Sally? - ed). It's obvious that Mr. Webster and Molly need a place to consummate their lust, but where?

Webster's garage? (too close to Tyrone and the temptation of VAT - ed)
Jack's Pigeon area? (too much cooing: Molly & Kev, not the birds - ed)
The Webster's conservatory? (too much glass, too little class - ed)
customer's car? (been there, done that, got the citation - ed)
back room at Dev's corner shop? (too Umed and too humid - ed)

Looks like Kevin has no choice but to opt for a hotel (hope he doesn't run into Rosie - ed). I believe a suite may be available at the incomparable Weatherfield Super 8 Motel (turn left at the viaduct... and keep right on going! - ed). Tell them Leanne sent you.

Plattwa

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 26 episode on CBC

I certainly don't envy Jason Grimshaw (because he has to take Sean to the gym? - ed). Ol' Jase and David Platt have a history - and it's all bad. David once told Jason that he (David) wanted to kill his family (The Platts or the Grimshaws or both? - ed) and then, to spite Sarah Louise, David undid the bolts in a scaffolding and Jason had a nasty spill.

In many ways, Jason has been an unfortunate, somewhat gullible foil for David's evilness (evility? - ed). But now, Jason is really taking his life in his hands. Doing the horizontal mambo with Tina may have its perks (free kebabs? - ed) but it's also guaranteed to ratchet up David's craziness level. And it has. David has already stormed over to the builder's office and hurled an assortment of plumbing hardware at Jason (maybe Davey was just trying to teach Jase how to 'tap' dance? - ed).

As Jason himself explains to the bewildered crowd on the street with uncharacteristic astuteness: "David’s gone nuts again." Touche, young Grimshaw. The problem is, ol Davey Boy is hanging around staying at Chez Gail. He could strike at any time and he's none too pleased that Tina is hanging up her hoop earrings at the Grimshaws (they take up most of the living room - ed). It's like he's engaged in some kind of fatwa against Jason - let's call it a Plattwa. If I were Jason, I'd watch my step. This could get ugly.

TGIF April 23

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 22 episode on CBC

So, the week ends with a new face on Coronation Street. Sprog Sutherland.. er.. I mean Liam Jr. .. made his first appearance much to the chagrin of one Tony Gordon. Speaking of which, let's get right to this week's edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), a selection of the memorable lines from the week's Corrie. Onward:


Bill brags about his elevated status while he lived abroad:
"Hey, when I was in Germany, they called me Herr Vebster"
(as in: 'Herr Vebster, please leave zis country immediately')


Rosie negotiating her perks as a new shareholder of Underworld:
"Well, can I have business cards made up? "
(Certainly, as soon as we discover what your business is)


Pam gets into a heated argument with Hayley about her sandwich business:
"I have not poisoned anyone!"
(Room temperature butter, unsanitary conditions, dodgy ham? Don't rule it out.)


Jesse recounts the kids' birthday party fiasco caused by Kirk in his Indian costume:
"They took the birthday candles and set fire to his headdress "
(Maybe you should call him 'Fire-lowa' instead of 'Hiya-lowa'...)


Graeme ogling Kirk in woman's clothing:
"Is it me or does Kirk look quite good in a dress?"
(it's definitely you)


Tina is perplexed by Jason's irrational fear of cows:
"Why would a cow want to kill you?"
(I dunno, udder contempt?)


Luke scores a direct hit with an offhanded comment to Tony:
"You're the murderer in this organization"
(careful Luke, you could wind up... in Wigan (like Jed Stone))


Tony's scathing assessment of Rosie:
"The only thing lower than that daft lass's neckline is her IQ"
(please see next quote)


Maria's mensa-like assessment of the ocean beach:
"Oh, wow. It goes on for miles"
(...you were saying, Tony?)


Ramsay describes his experience escorting Emily to church:
" I even caught the vicar sizing me up."
(looks like Sean is wasting his time at the gym...)

***

Ah well, that's all for this week. Hope you have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by. Looking forward to more hi-jinks on the Street next week. See ya then and all the best.

name game

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 21 episode on CBC

So, Maria has finally done it (slept with Tony? - ed). Her nine-month odyssey is over (learning how to spell 'murder'? - ed). Now comes the hard part (trying not to get killed by a psycho-Scot? - ed). She has to come up with an appropriate name for her new sprog. Maybe the name will be inspired by the unusual circumstances of the birth? Or her late husband? Or her new Scot? We can only guess what her list of baby names looks like:

Son of a Beach
Sandy
George Sand
Eddie Shack (named after the shed where the baby was born)
Right Said Shed
911
Ocean
L-I-am
New Wave
Tony Gordon II
Tony
Gordon
Ozzy Osbairn (Tony's suggestion)
Liam Tony Gordon Sutherland
Kirk the Second

Personal ads

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 20 episode on CBC

If you saw their personal ads on Craig's List... (no not Craig Harris, former boyfriend of Rosie and semi-professional goth, the other Craig's List), they might go something like this:

Woman seeking man...
Doe-eyed young SWF who is actually a MWF (married white female) with very red lips and a penchant for car mechanics seeks mature, hairy garage guy for laughs, conversation and casual legovers.

Must be into jogging, grocery stores and interested in marathons. Age not important. Prefer men without mullets, moustaches, catty wives and slapper daughters - but am flexible (if you know what I mean...). What are ya like? You have a sense of humour, appreciate independent women and have a passion for small business accounting and VAT. You also like running through the Red Rec in unfashionable short shorts, snogging on benches and doing it in corner shops if necessary (between trips to the cash and carry). Call after hours. No weirdos or my husband should reply.


Man seeking woman...
Married bloke with small auto repair business, ambitious shrill wife, one slapper daughter and one born again daughter, seeks fantasy escape with fit (very fit actually) woman in the neighbourhood for occasional bone-jumping and horizontal jogging. Must share similar interests, local drinking establishment, SEX and VAT. Marital status not important. Would prefer not to 'do the dirty' with me business partner, but I'm flexible.

You are into marathons and secret rendezvous' and don't mind hiding in the trunk of a motor car every now and then if necessary. You like older men who stay in shape, play darts, beat the living daylights out of pervy schoolteachers and stand up to the likes of Tony Gordon (opps, probably shouldn't have put that bloke's name in the ad - oh well).

Give me a ring on me cell, but wait till the wife's at Underworld (damn, did it again!) or I can come round to yours in me tow truck.

Less than zero

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 19 episode on CBC

The big story may be Kev and Molly practicing 'popular mechanics' in the garage with the doors closed or doing that popular biathlon sport: jogging & snogging. But, in my twisted mind, I remain transfixed by the inevitable countdown of Rosie's fortune from £150, 000 to... (wait, wait, don't tell me - ed)... zero.

Let's do a quick tally of the damage so far:

- celebratory champagne, cocktails, taxis and clubbing (£3,000 at least)
- designer handbag (£3,000)
- designer clothes (say.. £6,000)
- fancy new car which Rosie can't drive (£25,000)

So, we're up to £37,000 (probably more) already spent since Rosie actually got her money from John Stape. Now, let's take away another £25,000 for Rosie's 10 per cent investment in Underworld. Now we're down to £88,000 left from her original windfall which translates into an average of more than £8,000 per episode spent by Rosie .

So, the question is: how many episodes will it take for Rosie to completely run out of money?

According to my calculations, based on the current RCB (Rosie Cash Burn), Rosie should be back down to zero after only 11 more episodes! Yikes. However, I wouldn't be at all surprised if 'la Rosie' throws a fair amount of brass away on some more big ticket items (a fur-lined sink? - ed) in the days to come. After all, a girl needs a hot tub and you could fit one into Sally's precious conservatory (you mean Teresa's ashtray? - ed) and, of course, Rosie will want to take her new BFF (Minnie the Moocher? - ed) on a luxo vacation with all the mod cons.

One thing, however, is for sure. Rosie's windfall won't last very long and she will soon be skint and back at Underworld doing what she does best (sleeping with the boss? -ed), answering phones, making coffee and swanning around the factory floor.

TGIF April 16

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 15 episode on CBC

So, Tony's turned into quite the domestic househusband who cooks curries, washes windows and likes 'Desperate Housewives' (yeah, and I believe he quite likes the TV show as well - ed). Well, while we all watch the Tonemeister play 'happy families' with Maria, we can revel in another edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), a selection of the memorable lines from the week's Corrie. This week, TGIF is brought to you by Underworld where the expression 'sleeping partner' means something completely different. Let's go:


Auntie Pam tells Bill Webster that she's a hot dating prospect:
"There must be hundreds of blokes out there who would be glad to meet me"
(or at least buy a sandwich from you)


Kevin tells Sally he's doesn't like the idea of Rosie sleeping with Luke Strong:
"Having an affair with your boss is wrong"
(Better put a note on the fridge, Kev, the message doesn't seem to be getting through to the family)


Ms. Carp quotes Oscar Wilde to criticize people who engage in bland meteorological chat:
"Conversations about the weather are the last refuge of the unimaginative."
(just ask Julie about that low pressure system coming in from the South)


Kevin doesn't like Rosie doing 'business' with Luke:
"What’s she buying, part of the factory or a place in his bed? "
(Either way, knickers seem to be involved)


Steve asks Hayley about Becky's old pal:
"What do you know about slug?"
(only that he seems to leave a trail)


Kevin confesses his true feelings to Molly:
"When we're running, all I want to do is jump on your bones"
(oh, you mean like cross-training?)


Hayley tries to cheer Sally up:
"Oh, Sally, turn that frown upside down"
(preferably by standing on your head)


Sally is impressed with Kevin's fragrant after-shave:
"Oh, you smell lovely. Well, you never know, you might get lucky later"
(Only if Molly is coming over)


Tony Gordon shows his sensitive side to Maria:
"I'd love to have kids one day."
(..working as cheap labour in the factory?)


Graeme ponders possible variations in David Platt's name:
" If you were Welsh, Dave, you'd be called Di Platt."
(more likely, 'Die Platt!', if anyone on Coronation Street had a say)

***

Well, that's it for the week. Thanks again for the nice comments and thanks especially for dropping by. Have a great weekend, enjoy the omnibus and come back next week. Till then, I'd better get on me bike. Cheers.

Corrieconomics

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 14 episode on CBC

The recession seems to be on everyone's mind these days on Coronation Street, so this edition of BPH answers some of the top-of-mind-questions about finance, the economy and bail-outs.

Q: Why does Rosie Webster have to sleep with Luke Strong in order to kick start the economy?
A: Good question. The economic crisis affecting Coronation Street is severe. Just look at the statistics: Skiving at Underworld is down 29%, alcohol consumption at the Rovers is up 41% and some of Jack's homing pigeons have even lost their homes. This situation requires a stimulus package and, if anyone can provide that stimulus, it's Rosie. (Just ask Stape's cellmates).

Q: But how does sleeping with Luke Strong help the economy?
A: First, it makes the recession a little more pleasant (hey, he's easy on the eyes and nothing's easier than Rosie) Second, it sends a clear signal to the capital markets that Rosie is interested investing in the private sector. By putting her post-handbag money (several pounds) into Underworld, she is revitalizing the all-important knicker industry, one of the mainstays of the Weatherfield economy.

Q: And how does that help other businesses?
A: It's the trickle down theory at work. If Underworld is doing well, then Janice buys more custard cream biscuits from Dev. Dev pays Molly more money for more hours. Molly gets her motor running at Kev's. Kev avoids Sally by having breakfast at Roy's caf. Roy has an orange juice at the Rovers and Steve attracts more punters named 'Slug'. It's the economic circle of life.

Q: So what was the economic benefit when Rosie slept with Gary Windass?
A: None really. But think of it as a dating 'bail out'. Also, it briefly reduced the number of people actively searching for employment at the job centre.

Q: Which economic sectors will rebound the fastest after the recession?
A: Based on Rosie's economic forecasts: thongs, gossip magazines, short skirts, champagne and taxis are all growth sectors.

Jailhouse rock

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 13 episode on CBC

One question: when John Stape buys Fiz a wedding ring, will she call it a 'jailhouse rock'? Just asking. Now cue the music and everyone start grooving...

The warden had a felon in the county jail.
Fiz was at the entrance and began to wail.
The guards were all jumpin' and were all agape
You should've seen the look they gave to ol' John Stape
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock.

Rosie Webster did a little sashay verve,
Visited the Stape although she hates the perv
Got a little lucky and a lot of swag
almost blew the wad on a new handbag
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock.

Someone get a vicar and some marriage vows
Wedding bells will ring out any minute now
Fiz and Johnny Stape will need a wedding cake
Just before they organize a prison break
Let's rock, everybody, let's rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock.

***

By the way, thanks for the nice comment. You're too kind.

TGIF April 9

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 8 episode on CBC

All I can say is: "Good Golly, Miss Molly". It seems that Molly is fit and getting fitter by the minute and don't think the punters haven't noticed. Jason is interested and ol' Kev is definitely warm for her form (keeps his mind off Rosie - ed). Ah well, the time is ripe for yet another edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), a selection of some of the memorable lines from the week's Corrie. Brought to you by Webster's garage, where we'll get ya' motor running (or Kev's). Let's roll!

Rosie visits John Stapes in prison:
"Are you just gonna sit there pervin' at me or what?"
(No, because 'pervin' is not a verb. Didn't you learn anything while locked in gran's attic?)


Luke teases Tony about his relationship with Maria:
"Keep your kilt on. It’s just a joke"
(yes, please keep your kilt on and keep the 'Loch Ness Monster' hidden)


Sean is unable to help Ramsay with his crossword clue about English kings:
"I’m better with queens, me"
(checkmate!)


Fiz complaining to Janice about Rosie Webster:
"Have you got anything in there that makes slutty teenage nymphos disappear?"
(how about hard work and education?)


Sally explaining Rosie's absence from the factory:
"She’s got a dicky tummy."
(...more like a bare midriff and a sugar daddy)


Kelly pooh poohs the idea of Rosie getting together with John Stape:
"...what does little miss social climber want with an unhinged, banged-up middle-aged loser? No offence"
(none taken)


Minnie is impressed by Rosie's tale of abduction by Stape:
"You had your own kidnapper?"
(most people have to share)


Jason tells Molly she's a bit of alright:
"if you weren’t with Ty, I'd probably give it a crack, wouldn’t I?"
(from Jason Grimshaw's new book about women: 'Eat, Pray, Love, Shag'


Rosie explains why she should keep Stape's gift:
"Do you have any idea what you can buy with 150,000 pounds?"
(50 handbags?)


Rosie is much too busy to talk to Fiz about John Stape's suicide watch:
"Look, I'm late for my thalgo body wrap."
(does that cover the mouth by any chance? just asking?)


Molly explains that she's not attracted to hunky Jason:
"Give me a dopey mechanic with hairy back any day of the week"
(woo hoo! Kev's in with a chance)


Tyrone figures out that Jack spent his vacation in Spain:
"You've been lying to me, Jack Duckworth, unless they started selling castanets, sombreros, "I love espagnol" t-shirts in Blackpool."
(Si, Lancashire es muy bien)

***

Sorry for the long list. It's really been a bumper week for memorable lines (thanks mainly to Rosie Webster). Thanks for stopping by, have a great weekend and I'll be back next week. Cheers.

MSG

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 6 episode on CBC

MSG? It's short for Maria Sutherland-Gordon. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Really makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up (not to mention the hair on your back and your palms - ed). What's going on anyway chez Maria? Tony and Maria are busy playing 'happy families' and it's turning my stomach (poor Ozzy, he has to watch and can't say a word - ed).

There's psycho-killer turned happy househusband Tony Gordon giving the wee table a rubdown with grandma's sporran, stirring porridge with a spurtle (pardon? - ed) and tsk tsking at Maria's empty fridge. Remember that this is the same house in which Tony Gordon once locked Maria and terrorized her. Now they're acting like JayZ and Beyonce. And all that cutesy couple banter is starting to make me ill. Wasn't this the same Maria that was convinced Tony was a killer? Wasn't this the same Maria that painted Murder (Muder, actually - ed) across the factory wall?

Meanwhile, no-one seems to be too concerned that Tonemeister has moved into Maria's abode. Where are the gossips? The wagging tongues? Where's Norris, when you need him?(I guess there's a first time for everything - ed). Of course, I do have my own theories about Tony but I can't figure out Maria's behaviour. True, she does share certain, shall we say, genetic commonalities with Kirkie (eh? - ed) but surely she can divine the fact that Tony Gordon is one creepy dude. Just wait until he starts applying that magical lavender essence around her neck... er I mean shoulders.

Money from a John

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 5 episode on CBC

I know John Stapes got beaten up in the slammer (a heated argument with another inmate about metaphysical poetry... and shivs? - ed), but did he also lose his mind?

First he writes a letter to Rosie Webster which, in itself, is presumptuous (yes, it presumes that Rosie can read - ed). Then he invites her to visit him in the nick (a treat for all those doing hard time - ed) where she succeeds in turning heads with her scanty duds (certainly no place to hide a cake with a file in it - ed). But then, John boy outdoes himself by offering Rosie a gift of 150,000 pounds!

Is he out of his mind? Of course, he would prefer that Rosie use the money wisely for, say, a university education (is he off his chump? Rosie's higher education aspirations are limited to 'studying' vacation brochures) .

Come on, John. Giving Rosie 150,000 pounds is like giving Peter Barlow a liquor store or giving Eddie Windass free access to the cash and carry (been there, done that - ed). Once Rosie figures out what a bank is, she's going to grab that cash and burn through it faster than Graeme Proctor in a petrol factory. Not only that, but don't you think it might be nice to keep Fiz apprised of what you're up to so she doesn't have to hear about it from Rosie the Riveting, out on the Street? Better yet, how about tossing a few quid to Fiz or for Chesney's education? Don't they also qualify for compensation due to your misdeeds?

Hey, I'm no teacher but it seems like there's lesson to be learned here.

TGIF April 2

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 1 episode

Another week, another David Platt demon child adventure. You realize that he's running out of family members to injure/terrorize/maim. There was Gail (stairs), Bethany (drugs), Jason (scaffolding) and now Ted (Windass-induced heart attack). Oh well, we still have TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), a selection of some of the memorable lines from the week's Corrie. Onward!


Steve telling Sean that the Rovers fundraising photo is not exactly front page news:
"We've not found Osama Bin Laden behind a crate of stout."
(I believe terrorists prefer lager)


Vanessa coming on to Bill Webster (aka Newt):
"Perhaps you'd like to finish your story back in my foxhole, hm? "
(where no man has gone before...)


Graeme explaining dung differences to David:
"High-quality dung is rich in nutrients. Low-quality dung is what you'll be in if you get rumbled for this burglary."
(David is definitely a 'low-quality dung' kind of guy)


Eddie Windass finds incontrovertible evidence that his son has been set up by David Platt:
"He’s the brains behind all this. Our Gary’s not smart enough"
(thanks, Dad)


Luke explaining that the factory workers can buy part of Underworld for just 25 grand:
"You get nine percent of the company between you"
(...and you still get to do 100 per cent of the skiving!)


Tony Gordon literally prepares to 'move in' on Maria and take over dog duty:
"And no more walking this hound for now on. That’s my job"
(...I hope he's had a rabies short (I mean Tony, not Ozzy)


Norris wants to use the dining table where Emily and friends are seated:
"I shall be clearing this table for my Sudoku"
(whoa, Norris, take a number)

***

Well, that's it for the week. Thanks for visiting. Enjoy the long weekend (if you have one), omnibus and thanks for stopping by. See you next week. Cheers!