Tony Gordon, It's Friday - Portugal edition

So Norris escapes from the Moors and the Barlows are off to Portugal to find out more about the mysterious Arnold. Could it be Arnold from 'Happy Days' or maybe Tom Arnold? No matter, I'm sure Blanche's paramour is unique. With that in mind, please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take off as 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF takes flight for another round-up of memorable lines:

Graeme tells David what Natasha spelled backwards is:
"Ah satan"
(Ahem)


Graeme tells David what Rosie spelled backwards is:
"Ei sor"
(I sorrier)


Deirdre tells Liz about her good fortune:
"I've been quite lucky with cellulite really"
(Haven't we all - and I've got the thighs to prove it)


Mary seeks Norris help with a contest entry 
"Would you rather be buried alive or bleed to death, Norris?"
(both those options look better than a Yorkshire cottage vacation with Mary)


Liz is concerned that the Barlow don't have adequate liquor for the party:
"I’m not sure we're gonna have enough booze, Deirdre"
(but is there ever really enough on Coronation Street?)


 Blanche's friend, May, tells Deirdre she looks like her Mom:
"It’s like looking at her corpse"
(keep the compliments coming!)


May reveals to Deirdre that Blanche had other 'fish' to fry in Portugal:
"A fish called Arnold"
(I always thought it was 'Wanda')


Mary catches Norris in her bedroom:
"Norris, are you trying to sneak a peek at my smalls?"
(Hmm, an oxymoron I would think... kinda like 'jumbo shrimp)


A frantic Norris confronts Mary:
"You've sabotaged the motorhome, you've cut off all telephone communication apart from your own. You've put poison in me food. You've broken me glasses, you've stolen me laces"
(...and those were the good parts of the vacation!).

***

well, fellow Corrie lovers, that's it for the week. Thanks for the comments. Always nice to hear from you. Have a great weekend and enjoy the omnibus. See you here next week.

Blanche Hunt, we'll miss you

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 23 episode on CBC

Well, we knew it had to happen and we were waiting for it to happen but it's still a shock to see Ken take that phone call from Spain and be faced with breaking the news to Deirdre about her mother. I've been dreading this/these episode(s) since we got the sad news that Maggie Jones (the actor who plays Blanche Hunt) had passed away . BPH did a little tribute to Blanche back then but we also knew (because of the Canadian broadcast delay) that we'd have a few more months to enjoy Blanche's acerbic wit and savour her caustic, funny one-liners.

Now, we are only left to wonder what Blanche might have said about:

Gail Platt being in jail
(at least Tracy will have someone to talk to.. must be terrible to be locked up, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you Deirdre?)

Audrey's pay-as-you-go fancy man
(Audrey Roberts swanning around with a rental gigolo? Whatever he's charging, he should double it)

Norris & Mary
(I shudder to think what goes on in that camper van. although not much I'd imagine if it's down to Norris)


George Wilson (after he kidnapped Simon):
"All looks and no brains, that one, I just thank my lucky stars that Ken and Deirdre don't have that problem"

Norris & Mary kindly request...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 22 episode on CBC

Norris Benjamin Cole (aka Heathcliff) 

and 

Mary Taylor (aka Catherine)
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
on Saturday, the ninth of March
two thousand and eleven
at two o'clock
at the

Lonely Cottage on the Moors
219 Bronte Road
Yorkshire, England 

Reception
immediately following the ceremony
Motorhome (outside the cottage)
219 Bronte Road
Yorkshire, England

* Please note that the ceremony will be conducted by a sock puppet rather than an ordained minister
** Please also note that, due to Norris' unfortunate accident(s), he will not be a position to walk down the aisle (or over the stile, silly fellow!) nor will he be able to speak or move. His assent will be provided to me in written form, made from words which I have cut out of magazines and brochures containing contest entry forms and glued onto a piece of paper.

In lieu of wedding gifts, please forward cash (small bills please!) to the Motorhome c/o 'Mary travels to Venice with Norris stuffed in a bag for the honeymoon of a lifetime'

Reply card enclosed

Tony Gordon It's Friday - Wuthering Heights edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 17 episode on CBC

Norris and Mary, Audrey and Lewis, Sian and Sophie, Natasha and Nick, David and Gary. It's all very chummy, chummy on the Street this week but I sense ominous undertones. Ah well, let's just sit back, relax and do a little TGIF, our regular Friday feature which seeks out the most memorable lines of the week. Allez:

Eddie Windass asks Anna for cheese information... in French:
"Ou est le fromage?"
(Ou est Gary?)


Tyrone is concerned about Molly catching something while in the hospital
"I don’t want you getting PDSA or summat"
(or SPCA, that's even worse)


Audrey tells David that he's not doing a very good job of sweeping hair off the salon floor:
"I can see a clump of Emily Bishop from here and she’s not been in for a week"
(Is Audrey doing cloning experiments at night?)


Mary tells Emily and Norris that the RV washroom has been repaired:
"Ah, I've finally got the smallest room mended."
(just in time for the smallest-minded person)

 
Mary recounts her experience in Andalusia:
"You've got to be careful of prickly pears in the undergrowth"
(yeah, don't make any rash decisions)


Mary again tells Norris about her renowned cuisine:
"My toad in the hole has been much talked about over the years"
(as has her cooking...)


Tyrone tells Molly that he likes certain types of potato:
"Oh I like curly fries, they're like little shock absorbers"
(in fact, that's what Kev used when he fixed Tyrone's car)


Norris complains to Mary about his wine problems:
"Chianti kickstarts my irritable bowel syndrome like nothing else"
(I suspect the irritation is not restricted to the bowel ...or Norris)


Mary tells Norris that his head has been resting on her bosom:
"It’s been a while since a man has ventured there"
(I would even venture to say 'where no man has gone before')

***

Well, fellow Corrie fans, that's it for the week. I hope you enjoy the weekend and the omnibus edition. Thanks for stopping by. See you next week.

Lewis' little black book

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 15 episode on CBC

We got a tantalizing peek at what Lewis, renowned man-about-town and gentleman escort, writes in his little black book but we can only guess at the rest of its contents. Now that he's had a chance to scope out the potential clients on Coronation Street we can well imagine all the notes he's made. I have a feeling that it looks something like this:

Audrey Roberts
- average tipper
- good kisser
- reasonable hairdresser

additional notes: daughter in jail for murder, grandson is a primo headcase, ex-partner is gay, was apparently a former mayoress.

Rita Sullivan
- good tipper
- excellent kisser
- reasonable singer

additional notes: likes theatre, large G&Ts, gave me the brush off (I say! the cheek!), frenemy of Audrey Roberts


Norris Cole
- probably very bad tipper
- kissing prowess TBD
- small business owner

additional notes: friend of Rita's, bit of a fussbudget, wears sweater vests, indeterminate sexual orientation. Possible opportunity for some innovative business development?


Natasha Blakeman
- would probably expect tip from me (rather than vice versa)
- kissing prowess TBD (but blimey, makes one think, doesn't it?)
- Audrey's rather fit co-worker

additional notes: eminently capable with a pair of scissors and a little hair gel, not sure if she's looking for a mature, pay-as-you-go companion but the way she acts around that prat Nick Tilsley, it would seem like she is looking for genuine male attention.. and my rates are very reasonable.

Tyrone Dobbs, master psychologist

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 14 episode on CBC

Tyrone Dobbs certainly has a forgiving nature. Is it because we know to what extent ol' Ty has been deceived or is it because he's just such a nice guy? Either way Tyrone seems too gullible and far too quick to forgive his idol and best mate Kevin 'stickman' Webster?

Kev wants to bust up the business partnership and Tyrone forgives Kev with the lure of a brew.
Kev forgets to fix the brakes in Ty's car and Tyrone forgives him and even admits that he, Tyrone, was equally to blame.

Flaming Nora! What's next? I can only speculate thusly:

Ty: Hiya, Kev, mate, I'm making this wicked Imax version of the baby's ultrasound and I want you to be in the movie. It'll be mental. 'Cause like you're me best mate and that's what mates do.

Kev: er.. well I...

Ty: Oh and another thing. I haven't checked with Molly yet but I'm sure she'll say yes. In the weeks leading up to the baby's birth, we'd like you to sleep with us. So like you'd be in our bed between Molly and me so that the baby can bond, at a fetal stage, with me best mate and partner. Isn't that a wicked idea?

Kev: well, Tyrone, I'm not sure that...

Ty: And, at the birth of Kevin Webster Dobbs ('cause that's what he'll be called. I haven't told Molly yet but I know she'll be dead chuffed), I'd like you to be the midwife, even though you're a bloke, cause I trust you more than any trained heath care professional, to deliver my son 'cause you're me best mate and partner and if anything goes wrong then it will probably be my fault anyway.

Kev: Alright, alright. I give up. You're doing me head in. Yes, I had an affair with Molly. Now stop with your sophisticated psychological mind games. I admit it. Just stop the torture, alright?.

Ty: eh?

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the dodgy brakes edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 10 episode on CBC

A difficult week on the street as a nice pub lunch turns into a terrible accident. (how many times have you heard that?) Seems Tyrone just can't catch a brake. Ahem. I'm just using comic relief as a way of dealing with the trauma (too bad you forget the comic part - ed). Anyway, it's time for another edition of that prize-winning weekly roundup of memorable lines from Corrie, a little something which we like to call 'Tony Gordon it's Friday'. Let's get it on:

John's colleague, Brian, visits the Stape home and says he wants to have a drink and chat:
"There’s a nice looking pub on the corner"
(Is it near the Rovers?)


Kevin claims no responsibility for the crisis of Molly, Tyrone and the baby:
"It wasn’t me that put ya' baby on the Internet"
(what about the cat on a skateboard?)


Natasha tells Graeme how she feels:
"Truth is, I've been fighting my attraction to you for quite awhile"
(with remarkable success!)


Graeme tells Natasha she's the only girl for him:
"I’m a one woman man, Natasha"
(actually, a none-woman man)


Graeme slags off Rosie Webster to Natasha:
"...she wanted a boob job and what she really needs is a brain implant."
(wonder if there are any two-for-one specials going?)


John Stape says Fiz's lips taste like jam:
"That’s funny because I’m eating Marmite."
(there's nothing funny about eating Marmite)


Teresa complains that the factory girls just ignore her:
"I’m persona non grazia"
(Hmm, I believe that's an Italian who doesn't say thank you)


Julie gives John some marital advice regarding Fiz's insecurity:
"Oh, don’t be her facilitator, John"
(actually he's more of a perpetrator)


Teresa works her seductive 'magic' on Lloyd:
"Buy me a curry and a couple of cans and I'll take you places you've never dreamed of"
(Morecambe?)

***

Well, fellow Corrie lovers, that's it for another week. The reno of the Hip-podrome continues apace although the contractor looks suspiciously like Len Windass. I wonder if that's a good sign? Looking forward to restoring my Corrie Central control room back to its former glory in the near future so I can focus my full attention on Coronation Street. Till then, thanks so much for dropping by and have a great weekend. I'll see you back here at the Hip next week.

On the jail trail

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 9 episode on CBC

The way I see it, they better start building an extension onto Her Majesty's Prison in beautiful downtown Weatherfield (you mean besides the Tony Gordon wing and the Tracy Barlow Atrium? - ed). Let's review recent developments.

1. John Stape has committed identity theft (BTW, if you're going to steal an identity, try to aim for something like Tony Blair or Mick Jagger, rather than Colin Fishwick, but I digress) and is teaching illicitly in Rochdale. I figure it's only a matter of time before some enterprising student uses that little-known, hi-tech searching software (what's it called again? Oh, yes, GOOGLE) to discover Stape's real identity. Before you can say, "I'm making goo goo eyes at another comely sixth form student", ol' Stape will be back in the nick. The crime? Teaching without a licence. I hope they throw the book at him (any book will do - ed).

2. Gary Windass is AWOL (no it doesn't mean away without lager - ed). Apparently, Gary is not in the army now. Contrary to that popular ditty, ol' Gary has discovered that his country needs him... to be skiving. That appears to be what he's doing. A military tribunal could well place Gary in the proverbial stockade and I don't think they'll be swayed by Eddie's tasty assortment of cupcakes and bundt cakes.

3. Kevin Webster has done what my mechanic regularly does to my car when it goes in for servicing: Nothing! (yes, but his prices are very reasonable - ed). As a result, Tyrone can't put the brakes on his brakes and his motor is now going sideways. They could charge Kevin with any number of crimes: aggravated assault (he was aggravated and Molly wanted to assault him), leaving the scene of a crime (i.e. after knocking up Molly) or impaired driving taste (an orange tow truck? really? someone call Steven and Chris for some auto fashion advice, stat!).

Anyhoo, it looks like an one of these three could find themselves behind bars.. and I don't mean the Rovers and the Flying Horse...

Tony Gordon, It's Friday. Colin Fishwick edition

The way things are going. John Stape could find himself back in the nick grappling with Tony Gordon for a bar of soap in the communal showers. But I digress. It's Friday and all hail the award-winning (well, not yet, but dammit we're due) weekly feature: Tony Gordon, It's Friday or TGIF, your weekly round-up of some of the more memorable lines of the week. Let's get this started:

Sian asks Ryan (pronounced Rye-Ann, two syllables) if he wants to visit her new home:
"Do you want to come to Southport for the weekend?"
(do chickens have lips?)


Kevin finally figures out what Sophie's footballer boyfriend really does:
"You work the burger van outside county’s ground."
(Right next to Wayne Rooney's chip wagon)


John Stapes tells Fiz what he really thinks about Colin Fishwick:
"Colin is a puffed up soulless arrogant pig"
(and those are his good points...)


John Stape is having an identity crisis:
"I don’t know who am I anymore"
(let me jog your memory: you're a pervy kidnapper)


Stape reveals his name to the job interviewer:
"Fishwick, Colin Fishwick."
(licence to fib?)


Steve warns Lloyd that Leanne's friend may be, you know, paid by the hour:
"Well I think they call it they oldest profession in the world don’t they?"
(Skiving?)


Steve asks a pointed question at the adoption meeting:
"Uh, we live in a pub. Is that a problem?"
(certainly not for you)


Deirdre asks Ken a pointed question about Mr. Stape:
"How long is it gonna be before John’s walking on the canal bank one day and an actress comes floating on a barge and he forgets all about his wedding vows."
(depends on the speed of the barge)


Eddie tells Anna not to pin her adoption hopes on getting a child like her son: 
"They're not gonna give us another Gary." 
 (Her Majesty's Correctional Services will be pleased to hear that)

***

That's it for another week. Enjoy the weekend and thanks very much for stopping by to visit. Cheers to all and I'm hoping that all renovations to the Hip-odrome are completed shortly.

The Ken Barlow syndrome

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 2 episode on CBC

What is it about Coronation Street men? Here's John Stape. He had an affair with a student. He kidnapped and locked up Rosie Webster in his Gran's attic. He went to jail. He has a wife who not only married him but has tried to help him reintegrate into society. He even has a job. But is that enough? No. Instead, John-Boy comes up with a hair-brained scheme to assume the identity of a colleague so he can get a teaching job.  John tried teaching before and was caught and dismissed from night school. So now he's trying it again, only this time he's adding identity theft to the mix.

You might think this is a hair-brained idea but think back a few weeks ago to one Joe McIntyre. His brilliant idea was to fake his own death, lie low for seven years (in Ireland) and then benefit from a life insurance policy. Easy peasy. Except that he couldn't quite do the 'fake' part

Wacky schemes seem to be a way of life for the guys on Coronation Street. But why? Deirdre Barlow certainly has a theory. I call it the Ken Barlow syndrome. Deirdre lives with Ken, the alpha-bet male when it comes to dreams and schemes. She tells Ken that you have to accept what you can and what you can’t do in this life, and get on with it.

It sounds so easy but it's something that seems to somehow evade the menfolk on the Street from Kevin Webster to Ken Barlow. It certainly seems to be something that is completely lost on John Stape. How long will it be before he ends up in jail again?

Welcome Colin Fishwick!

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Jan 31 episode on CBC

I'm so excited I can hardly finish my Timbits (it's amazing how filling a whole box can be -ed). Colin Fishwick, noted pedagogical master and suave man-about-town, is leaving the Greater Manchester Area, packing up and heading to... wait for it... Canada. Lucky us! What did we do to deserve such a distinguished, towering academic intellect whose philosophy to teaching (you mean crowd control - ed) is so inciteful (water cannons? - ed).

Well, you know what they say, Weatherfield's gain is Canada's loss (or something like that). Although John Stape calls Colin a "puffed up soulless arrogant pig", it's probably just an affectionate nick name (you know, like 'squidgey' or something). Anyway, lucky Colin joins a small but illustrious group of hardy ex-Coronation Street characters who have been banished... er I mean 'honoured',,, in this way. I believe Steven (Gail's half-brother) was consigned to Vancouver and ol' Nicky lived with him for a while. Other than that, the only enduring recognition of Canada was the fact that Big Jim Macdonald used to regularly wear a Toronto Blue Jay's t-shirt. (He probably used a baseball bat too -ed).

But now, the esteemed Colin Fishwick is ready to join the Canadian Contingent of Corrie ex-pats. Roy astutely notes that Canada is a "big place" . (i.e. lots of bat habitat -ed). Colin is attracted by Canada's three assets: fresh air, maple syrup, Kim Cattrall (sex in the tundra - ed). Anyway, Colin thinks Canada rocks. Just wait till he experiences a full-on Canadian winter (or a Maple Leaf hockey game - ed). He'll wish he was back in an unruly Manchester classroom.