The Renaissance of Sherbet

please note this post makes reference to the August 21 episode on CBC

Shame on Kylie. She forgot to send a taxi to Norris' and he missed a lecture at his confectioner's get-together. Never mind, it probably went something like this:

The Renaissance of Sherbet

"Ladies and gentlemen,

There has never been a more exciting time in the history of confectionery. One might even say: 'Ich bin ein toffee'. Despite the concerted efforts of the Dental and Obesity Lobby, we stand on the cusp of a revival of sweets, candies and chocolate. The statistics speak for themselves. Chocolate bars are up 17%. Sugared bonbons are up 21% and even humbugs, licorice allsorts and wine gums are enjoying a new era of post-war popularity.

But the future of our business can be summed up in one word: sherbet.

This fizzy, sweet (some may say nausea-inducing) powder is hitting the sweet spot of confectionery consumers. Sherbet Fountains, those yellow tubes filled with white, zingy sherbet and a black liquorice stick sticking out, are gaining traction in the all important 5-12 year old market.

Why sherbet? Why now?

Experts say sherbet has been rediscovered  by Generation X. It's light, easy to carry, easy to pour and fizzy on the tongue. And, with the right packaging, we can create a sherbet-delivery system which will keep this powder flowing to more and more young consumers with a sweet tooth -- and high dental bills.

So, to all of you, I say: Sherbet? You bet. You ain't seen nothing yet. 

Thank you & good night."

Coronation Street shocker: where was Norris when Frank was murdered?

please note: this post makes reference to the June 12 episode on CBC

what you need to know: Brian is at odds with Kylie over his school's healthy eating initiative, Peter has been charged with the murder of Frank Foster, Carla is deep in self-recrimination over the trouble she's caused,  Lewis and Nick are an item but keeping it a secret, Sally and Ann (Frank's mom) are bonding, Sunita is learning more about Carl's gambling and Leanne learns that Peter has an alibi but she's only told Stella... so far.

The crew here at Blanche's Polish Hip (receptionist Abby Downton, tech intern Luke Skivewalker, accountant Gordon Tony and myself) have been arguing about who killed Frank Foster.  My theory? It's always the person you least suspect. By this rationale, I would like to point the finger at one Norris Cole and say "J'accuse" (gesundheit - ed).

Now I know you're all shaking your heads but bear with me. Remember what Norris said when they were taking Frank's body out of the factory. He was sweeping the sidewalk and saying: "that's not good for business" or something like that.

Fact: the closure of the factory would have dealt a serious blow to a small business like the Kabin. 
Fact: Unlike Mike Baldwin who dropped a lot of dosh at the Kabin buying his thin cigars, Frank never put a penny in the till. 
Fact: Norris is a certified busybody who seems to have an inordinate interest in the murder case.

So we have motive and we have opportunity. Let's face it: what else does Norris have to do but snoop around into other people's business. For all we know he could have been sniffing around the factory at the time of Frank's timely demise.

Yes, maybe it's wishful thinking on my part. Maybe I'd just like to see Norris being bundled into a police car and charged with a crime, instead of him having a nosey around and tsk tsking other people's shortcomings. I'm not saying he should be sent down or anything  -- just interrogated for a couple of hours until the police can't take anymore of his fussbudget whining and release him.

Just an idea.

Norris & Mary kindly request...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 22 episode on CBC

Norris Benjamin Cole (aka Heathcliff) 

and 

Mary Taylor (aka Catherine)
request the honour of your presence
at their marriage
on Saturday, the ninth of March
two thousand and eleven
at two o'clock
at the

Lonely Cottage on the Moors
219 Bronte Road
Yorkshire, England 

Reception
immediately following the ceremony
Motorhome (outside the cottage)
219 Bronte Road
Yorkshire, England

* Please note that the ceremony will be conducted by a sock puppet rather than an ordained minister
** Please also note that, due to Norris' unfortunate accident(s), he will not be a position to walk down the aisle (or over the stile, silly fellow!) nor will he be able to speak or move. His assent will be provided to me in written form, made from words which I have cut out of magazines and brochures containing contest entry forms and glued onto a piece of paper.

In lieu of wedding gifts, please forward cash (small bills please!) to the Motorhome c/o 'Mary travels to Venice with Norris stuffed in a bag for the honeymoon of a lifetime'

Reply card enclosed

Cole Comfort

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 20 episode on CBC

Friends, Romans & Corrie-watchers, lend me your e-ars, I come to praise Norris, not to slag him. Well, maybe that's overstating the case a bit. I wouldn't say that Mr. Cole is my favourite Corrie citizen but I don't dislike him with the same intensity as some Corrie-watchers or indeed the inhabitants of the Street (Les Battersby in particular is very hostile to 'Doris' as he calls him).

You may say that Norris is nothing more than a gossip, a pest, a busybody and a curmudgeon. You'd be right, but the role of busybody is an important one on the Street. What's the point of salacious gossip, if there is no-one around to do the proverbial 'nudge nudge, wink wink', pass comments and promulgate the info (with relish) to all and sundry.

Street gossips go way back to the beginning of Coronation Street. Hilda Ogden was a skilled practitioner (although one could argue that she had many more redeeming qualities than Mr Cole and I would agree). And, the role of the gossip itself, can be traced back many centuries. I'm sure there were several Norris-types sitting around during the French revolution watching the guillotine and making snarky comments ("look at the size of that king's neck; they're going to need a bigger blade").

Norris is often the counterpoint in different situations. He is scandalized and appalled by everything from Jed Stone to Polish cooking. When Maria spray paints the word 'Muder' on the factory, Norris is upset by the spelling mistake. When Emily finds Sunny Jim, it's Norris who is at odds with the cat. He's always been an irritating presence (ever since he came on the show as a colleague of Derek Wilton) but he's an original and serves a useful (if annoying) purpose. Here's to Doris.

Relationship ratings

spoiler alert; this post makes reference to the October 19 episode on CBC

Whew! Maria's finally gone to Cyprus (to practice her spelling? - ed) and Tony's hi jinks are taking a back seat to some of the evolving relationships on the Street. Let's take a quick gander:

Lloyd & Danielle: Even though she's saving for a boob job (right now, she can only afford to do one - ed), Danielle is history. Lloyd is moving on to the alpha female of Brazilian crunch: Liz. Zero out of five stars for this one.

Lloyd & Liz: Yowsa! It looks like the chemistry is there and Liz certainly doesn't waste any time. She said 'no' for about half a second and then had Lloyd in a leg lock inside her boudoir while Steve-o was downstairs making small talk with Betty. I give this one three out of five stars: ***

Molly & Tyrone: While Jack's busy ejecting Pam and her biofuel lab from the backyard (so ends the possibility of the first pigeon/chip oil powered hybrid car - ed), Molly is continuing to play silly beggar with Tyrone. It can't last and something's got to give. Either they're a couple or they're not. Right now, I give it only two stars out of five: **

Carla & Tony: With cash flowing in again, the tepid twosome can now get on with what they do best: spend money (kilts for everyone! - ed). This won't last. Carla is just too circumspect and suspicious and you can tell that her heart's not in it (Carla has a heart? - ed). As far as she's concerned, hogmany is hogwash - even if Tone does wear a kilt. I give this one a single star out of five: *

Norris & Sunny Jim: With Emily playing detective and on the hunt for Jed, Norris and Sunny Jim are destined to be spending a lot of time together, mostly locked in a psychological battle of wits (I'll put 10 quid on the cat - ed). One star out of five: *

Two Tinas

no spoilers were used in the making of this post

When Tina McIntyre first burst onto the scene, she was an aggressive, angry young woman with a whole lot of attitude. Remember her debut? There she was, in all her glory, giving Gail all kinds of lip at the clinic. Then she met up with David Platt (noted local pioneer of aquatic autos - ed). It looked for a while like our Tina was going to be a wild, wayward youth in tune with David's quasi-psycho personality - like a Weatherfield Bonnie and Clyde.

But that hasn't quite happened. In fact, now we seem to have two Tinas. One minute, she's in full mega-rage mode giving customers lip at the Kebab shop or charging over to the Windasses (Check out the new CBC family series: Windasses at my Back - ed) to rip out kitchen fixtures and supervise a bonfire.

The next minute, she's working in the Kabin, quietly sipping tea with Rita and partaking in what surely should be an Olympic Sport: winding up Norris. (I hear the Chinese team is training really hard for 2012 - ed).

And our Tina seems to fit right in. As she herself says about Norrisimo, "... that man is so easy to wind up, it is scary."

So which is the real Tina? At this point, it's hard to tell. There's no doubt that there's still a firebrand lurking behind the mild mannered Kabin employee. But, for the movement anyway, Tina is a breath of fresh air to that musty newsagent's shop and maybe the spur for some fresh stories involving Norris and Rita. That's surely a welcome change... unless she gets angry.

Dreamy date

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 18 episode on CBC

Dear Noretta (sp?),

When the contest organizers forwarded me your prize-winning entry in the 'My dream date with Pierce Brosnan' contest, I couldn't help but personally respond to such a passionate and sexually-charged entry. Normally, my PR people do this sort of mandane task, but I insisted on writing (well, dictating) this myself. That's because I have a feeling that you, Noretta, are a very special woman. You mentioned your interest in newspapers and magazines - is it because you have appeared in so many as a model? Probably. You also mentioned confectionery. What a coincidence! I too have a knowledge of confectionery and you, my sweet, are the eye-candy which I seek.

I imagine you to be experienced in love (but not jaded). I wonder how old you are? But, no matter, undoubtedly, you are young at heart. Perhaps your dalliances with the opposite sex have been disappointing -- even hurtful in the past, but now you are ready for a longterm relationship, a companion and (dare I say it) a lover.

Is it kismet that your dream date and mine are almost identical? I too love oysters on the half shell (or even a kebab in a pinch). I too adore salsa dancing till dawn (although I don't mind a good book and a nice cup of cocoa with a friendly church lady either). I too love nothing better than a balloon ride over the East Lancs Road. (Did you know that it was Britain's first purpose-built intercity highway linking the cities of Manchester and Liverpool and officially opened by King George V on 18th July 1934?). Of course you did, my love.

I can't wait to see how you look in that fabulous lingerie which you won. Perhaps you will do me the singular honour of sending me a discreet photo (you did mention that you have easy access to stamps) so I can gaze longingly on a divine creature with the strange and haunting name of Noretta.

Till then, I remain Brosnan, Pierce Brosnan.

If Blanche kept a diary...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 30 episode on CBC

Although it has been a banner week for Corrie watchers, I can't help feeling that we're somehow missing the valuable perspective of one Blanche Hunt. If only she had access to a computer, I think her online diary might go something like this...

"Ken has skulked off to the Weatherfield Library to 'get some peace and quiet'. Claims he can't hear himself think while I'm watching 'Britain's Got Talent'. So while he's gone, I'm having a quick go at his computer. Any idea what 'delete all files and reset to factory default means' ? Me neither. It's all gibberish if you ask me but never mind, there's nothing on here except Ken's writing and we already know no-one's interested in that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: he's no Barbra Cartland.

I saw that Tony Gordon this morning wearing a nice bit of tartan. In fact I saw him several times outside Roy's Rolls. By gum. he certainly gets around. It's like he's everywhere. That's the kind of 'get up and go' you need to get ahead in the business world. I keep telling Kenneth he could learn a thing or two from him - instead of pushing grocery carts at Freshco's or making bacon butties for Roy Cropper and his manwife.

Haven't seen Norris around lately. Emily Bishop says he hurt his back. Came as a bit of a surprise to me. Seems to me a back injury implies you have backbone. By all accounts, Norris Cole had his removed after he got married. Besides backache is nought when you've got a Polish hip like mine. If it weren't for the occasional medicinal G &T to dull the pain, I don't know how I'd survive.

Looks like that Fiz Brown ignored my advice about that philandering teacher man of hers. Hope she at least got him doctored or sure as eggs that Thomas will be sniffing around again first chance he gets. Don't say I didn't give fair warning.

Must go. Deirdre is cooking (at least that's what she calls it). Got a nice bit of beef in the oven and she only knows two settings: 'burned' and 'dry enough to choke a camel'. Now, how do you switch this thing off?"

***

Shots from the hip... That's it for the week. Thanks for visiting, thanks for the comments and enjoy the weekend. I'll be back next Tuesday as the fallout from Carla's hen party and Tony's stag continues.

festival of one-liners

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 27 episode on CBC

Ladies, gentlemen & punters! Lock all the doors, put the kettle on and turn up the volume at 7pm because I don't think it gets much better than this. A cornucopia (keep it clean - ed) of compelling stories for our viewing delight. The one possible exception is Norris who hurts his back and is lying on the floor of the Kabin. The only way that this gets interesting is if a herd of stampeding elk charges through the corner shop for a quarter pound of licorice allsorts and Norris gets 'underfoot' in the literal sense of the word.

But I digress. As I say, the street is cooking with gas and the one-liners are coming fast and furious. Here's a small sampling of my faves:

Julie re: Janice's theft: "the whole debacle has dented the passenger door of the car I call human nature."
(then what does she call human nature? a Volvo?)

Vickie re: Janice's theft: "she brings new meaning to the word vile"
(boy, her English is getting really good. Pretty soon the factory girls won't be able to understand her!)

Dev to Nina: "I'm a single man, ergo I am free to ogle"
(agreed, but don't call me 'Ergo'.)

Nina to Dev: "As I said in the Bollywood classic 'Summer of the 16th sari"..."
(sequel to the 'summer of the 15th sari' - with Sylvester Stallone, I believe. I laughed, I cried)

Carla about Michelle: "She spends more time in front of the mirror than Simon Cowell"
(Surely not. Simon holds the Guinness world record)

The Bollywood Graduate

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 2 episode on CBC

So, it all becomes clear. Dev is the graduate. Nina is Mrs. Robinson and her beautiful young daughter, Tara, is Elaine. It's 'The Graduate', Bollywood-style so let the fun and games begin.

I guess the first big clue was that infamous 'leg shot' of Dev while he was having it off with Nina a few episodes back. That was just an appetizer (a samosa surely? - ed) for the action to come. Dev is invited over to Prem and Nina's for dinner. He comes armed with a box of the finest chocolates that money can buy - from The Kabin - which Norris is only too happy to unload. (Seems no-one on the Street wants to pay 16 pounds for candy which saw its best buy date elapse during the Thatcher years).

But Prem has a surprise in 'store' for Dev (ixnay on the puns - ed). He introduces the Devster to his comely young daughter, Tara, who is in town for a visit. Tara is currently working in London but is thinking of escaping the excitement, energy and verve of one of the world's great capitals for the charms of Weatherfield where a gal can take time to just stop and smell the roses (unless the canal is backed up on a hot day).

At dinner the chemistry is electric. Dev shows that he still has all the player moves as he reels off witty lines like, "This sauce is amazing." Meanwhile Nina is the consummate green-eyed monster, undercutting Dev's qualities at every opportunity. Prem says Dev has 'a retail empire'. Nina says he has 'corner shops'. And so on. No matter, Tara is definitely intrigued by Dev and vice versa. Nina is becoming suspicious, jealous and angry. She tries to slam the door on the Tara-Dev relationship before it begins. "I'm afraid that's not going to happen," she hisses as she quickly escorts Dev out of her home. "My husband may have some strange ideas but they're easily dealt with." (what strange ideas? spontaneous combustion? fur underwear?).

So the stage is set for The Graduate, Bollywood style. If memory serves me correctly (unlikely - ed), the original Graduate with Dustin Hoffman back in 1967 eventually worked out okay for Ben and Elaine. Who knows how the Bollywood version will end? In the meantime, 'Here's to you Mr. Allahan... etc etc.'

....

Hip Pocket: Blanche is back with the best line of the week ('natch) about none other than John Stapes, "Once a Thomas strays, they never settle again - unless you get them doctored." Thanks for visiting and enjoy the Sunday omnibus. I'll be back next Tuesday.

The envelope, please

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 24 episode on CBC

Rita, Emily & Norris are the elder statesman & stateswomen of Coronation Street so why is their current storyline so lame?

Perhaps I'm missing something (that's usually the case - ed), but never before in the history of human conflict has so much been made of so little for so long. Emily's sealed post-death envelope has proven to be too much torture for Norris, the busybody. So, after much fretting and fussing, Emily reveals the contents to Norris after a sumptuous dinner, a cup of tea and a couple of Peek Freans. Turns out the mysterious envelope contains nothing more than burial instructions ('Tell Archie Shuttleworth to be on time'), hymn selections ('No Pink Floyd, thank you very much') and a will ('give my house to Norris but don't tell him that there's a reverse mortgage on it - he'll find out eventually').

So the mystery is solved. But wait. There's another envelope. Be still my beating heart. Norris, of course, can't resist the temptation and finally opens it. The same story seems to be replayed. It's like having Liz marry Vernon a second time, or having Tracy kill Charlie Stubbs twice (Good idea -ed). The question is why?

Now, after more dillying and dallying, we get to the contents of the second envelope: antique racy photos of Rita (when her hair colour was "natural" according to Norris - so they must be really old). Be still my beating heart again. Is there no end to this slow-moving, treacle-like intrigue of mild interest? Why is Emily keeping x-rated photos of Rita in an envelope? Why did her late husband (Ernest) take the racy snaps? Will Les Battersby ever return to give Norris a good thumping?

Don't get me wrong. I love these characters but I wish they had a story with more substance and verve. Of course, I may change my tune once we discover the truth behind the photos. But one way or another, I'm keeping my fingers crosssed that there are no more envelopes lurking in Emily's drawers. Please.