The Tyrone Dobbs' Gang of Four

please note: this post makes reference to the Feb 1 episode on CBC

Call them Oceans 3.5, the Bourne-Yesterday Identity, The Gang of Four, the... (get on with it! - ed): Tyrone (the mechanic) Dobbs, his trusty sidekick Kirk (the brain) Sutherland, his crazy bro Tommy (slowhand) Duckworth and new recruit, Gary (wind & kick ass) Windass.

Their mission? Not sure.
Their motivation? Unclear
Their strengths? Unknown

What we do know is that these three planks (before Gary joined) decided to 'help' Fiz by putting the lid on an unsavoury drug dealer who is supplying the women's jail and thus making life terrifying and dangerous for Fiz (the grass) Stape. Tyrone (who apparently dated Fiz for a very short time pre-Kirk - who knew?) visits Fiz in jail and is determined to do something about the drug dealing thug. So he does what you or I would do. He rounds up a posse.

The plan? Drive over to the druggie's house in the most conspicuous vehicle possible (Underworld van) and use Tyrone's state-of-the-art, Costco camera to nab the thug dealing drugs. With the collective IQ of a medium-sized houseplant, these three lads find their operation compromised and do the only thing possible under the circumstances. Before you can say 'cold cuts' they've: locked the thug in the freezer of Elliot & Sons butcher. (finally something fresh in there - ed)


It's like Pulp Fiction gone wrong. How will they get out of this conundrum? Can Gary put his military experience to good use? Will Kirk get engaged to that dummy in the back of the Underworld van?
Will I stop asking questions? (God, I hope so - ed). I guess all will be revealed in due time. As for Tyrone, well, he may be reckless but you have to admit this is way more exciting than arguing with Kev all afternoon at the garage and changing the oil in Dev's fancy car.

The baptism of Baby Jack Dobbs

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 25 episode on CBC

First, let me get a few things off my chest (Finally! I'll call the hair wax removal studio tout suite - ed). I can't help but think that Charlotte looks a little bit like the Grinch who stole Christmas. And, another thing, don't Tyrone and Molly have any living family members who want to attend the baptism? But anyhoo, let's get down to business and revisit that touching baptism ceremony at the Our Lady of Perpetual Skiving church in Weatherfield. I forget the exact words which Father Ted actually said to the congregation but no matter. In my opinion, it should have been something like this:

Minister: "People of Weatherfield, will you welcome Jack and uphold him in his new life at the caf, in the cabin, at the Red Rec and in the Rovers?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally:  "We will."

Minister: "Will you guide him by your example in the community and allow him to go out on dates with Fiz Stape's daughter in the year 2026 or thereabouts?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally: "We will."

Minister: "Will you care for him and help him take his place at the bar of the Rovers where he may sup ale freely and frequently until he has had a skinful?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally: "We will."

Minister: "Will you reject the devil and all rebellion?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally:  "If, by the devil, you mean David Platt, we will."

Minister: "Will you renounce the deceit and the corruption of evil - up to and including - doing a sneaky 'Who's Your Daddy' DNA test on Baby Jack to see which mechanic is the real pappy?"

Molly, Tyrone, Kev & Sally: We will.

Minister:  "Wonderful. You may kiss the baby."

Tyrone Dobbs & Jack Jr.

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Monday July 25 episode on CBC

You know that I love Tyrone, the big lug. And it's not just because of his 'Wayne Rooney good looks' or his 'what's MENSA anyway?' intellect. However, even I can't help but notice that, when it comes to caring for a newborn, ol' Ty is..how you say... worse than useless.

Granted Molly does have a few 'issues' going here (the phrase 'who's your daddy?' comes to mind -ed) and possibly a case of Post Partum (I always thought that was a breakfast cereal like 'Post Raisin Bran' or 'Grape Nuts' - ed), but still, you'd think Ty could help out a bit.

So far the big lug has contributed to the new baby workload by:
- making his own brew
- bringing Jack Jr. into The Rovers (what? no pint of bitter in his bottle? - ed)
- keeping his voice down while Molly has a nap - with the baby
- buying her a magazine from the Kabin
- arranging for Molly's arch-enemies (the Websters) to babysit

After one particular sleepless night Molly asks Ty to stick around for a bit but Ty says he can't -- or he'll be late for work. You'd think that a little paternity leave would be in order at the garage (for who? Ty or Kevin? they're both in the running for dad honours - ed).  And, while it's great to see Jack back at the house, he's not exactly Florence Nightingale (unless Florence Nightingale hung out at the Legion and bet on the horses - ed).

Hopefully Ty will get the message and get more involved in child care before Molly gets totally exhausted or strangles Kev - whichever comes first.

Tyrone Dobbs, master psychologist

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 14 episode on CBC

Tyrone Dobbs certainly has a forgiving nature. Is it because we know to what extent ol' Ty has been deceived or is it because he's just such a nice guy? Either way Tyrone seems too gullible and far too quick to forgive his idol and best mate Kevin 'stickman' Webster?

Kev wants to bust up the business partnership and Tyrone forgives Kev with the lure of a brew.
Kev forgets to fix the brakes in Ty's car and Tyrone forgives him and even admits that he, Tyrone, was equally to blame.

Flaming Nora! What's next? I can only speculate thusly:

Ty: Hiya, Kev, mate, I'm making this wicked Imax version of the baby's ultrasound and I want you to be in the movie. It'll be mental. 'Cause like you're me best mate and that's what mates do.

Kev: er.. well I...

Ty: Oh and another thing. I haven't checked with Molly yet but I'm sure she'll say yes. In the weeks leading up to the baby's birth, we'd like you to sleep with us. So like you'd be in our bed between Molly and me so that the baby can bond, at a fetal stage, with me best mate and partner. Isn't that a wicked idea?

Kev: well, Tyrone, I'm not sure that...

Ty: And, at the birth of Kevin Webster Dobbs ('cause that's what he'll be called. I haven't told Molly yet but I know she'll be dead chuffed), I'd like you to be the midwife, even though you're a bloke, cause I trust you more than any trained heath care professional, to deliver my son 'cause you're me best mate and partner and if anything goes wrong then it will probably be my fault anyway.

Kev: Alright, alright. I give up. You're doing me head in. Yes, I had an affair with Molly. Now stop with your sophisticated psychological mind games. I admit it. Just stop the torture, alright?.

Ty: eh?

Steve & Becky; Tyrone & Molly

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 9 episode on CBC

Two relationships are in the spotlight and they couldn't be more different.

At one end of the Street, Molly is pulling the plug on her marriage to Tyrone. After only a year of blissful marriage (nine months if you exclude the horizontal jogging with Kevin - ed), the couple is history. Truth be told, their happiest days were long gone: a shared love of dogs, restoring an old mobile burger van and sharing the old rec-tory (Number 9 Coronation Street) with Jack & Vera. Oh, I know, some will say that their wedding didn't bode well just because Tyrone was in handcuffs, then fainted and then had his honeymoon airline tickets stolen by his Mum (Jackie Dobbs, skiver and jailbird extraordinaire). Still, the break-up scenes were heartbreaking and it was sad to see the couple part ways.

At the other end of the Street, we move from the sublime to the ridiculous. Steve and Becky are having a disagreement about kids which has, in true Steve-o fashion, escalated into a childish tantrum display. To the punters at the Rovers, it must seem like the panto is still going on (oh no, it isn't -ed). Steve is buying new golf clubs, getting bladdered with Kelly ('I've got legs, dammit') Crabtree and proclaiming that he and Becky are 'separated' . This reminds me of their 'funnymoon', a faux honeymoon. However, this time it's a kind of 'funny separation'  (funeration? - ed). Please stop the madness. Think of Amy (who's Amy? -ed). Any more of this bickering and her verbalization development skills could be severely affected (too late - ed).

Relationship ratings

spoiler alert; this post makes reference to the October 19 episode on CBC

Whew! Maria's finally gone to Cyprus (to practice her spelling? - ed) and Tony's hi jinks are taking a back seat to some of the evolving relationships on the Street. Let's take a quick gander:

Lloyd & Danielle: Even though she's saving for a boob job (right now, she can only afford to do one - ed), Danielle is history. Lloyd is moving on to the alpha female of Brazilian crunch: Liz. Zero out of five stars for this one.

Lloyd & Liz: Yowsa! It looks like the chemistry is there and Liz certainly doesn't waste any time. She said 'no' for about half a second and then had Lloyd in a leg lock inside her boudoir while Steve-o was downstairs making small talk with Betty. I give this one three out of five stars: ***

Molly & Tyrone: While Jack's busy ejecting Pam and her biofuel lab from the backyard (so ends the possibility of the first pigeon/chip oil powered hybrid car - ed), Molly is continuing to play silly beggar with Tyrone. It can't last and something's got to give. Either they're a couple or they're not. Right now, I give it only two stars out of five: **

Carla & Tony: With cash flowing in again, the tepid twosome can now get on with what they do best: spend money (kilts for everyone! - ed). This won't last. Carla is just too circumspect and suspicious and you can tell that her heart's not in it (Carla has a heart? - ed). As far as she's concerned, hogmany is hogwash - even if Tone does wear a kilt. I give this one a single star out of five: *

Norris & Sunny Jim: With Emily playing detective and on the hunt for Jed, Norris and Sunny Jim are destined to be spending a lot of time together, mostly locked in a psychological battle of wits (I'll put 10 quid on the cat - ed). One star out of five: *

wham, bam, thank you Pam

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 28 episode on CBC

Well thanks a lot Auntie Pam. Molly and Tyrone are (were) a lovely couple, one of those rare twosomes on Coronation Street who had a real shot at a longterm relationship, growing old together in the 'Old Rectory' (former home of Jack & Vera and bickering capital of the free world - ed). Now, thanks to the unauthorized sale of watches, t-shirts, perfume and other dubious items, Tyrone is screwing things up and Pam certainly isn't helping.

This is too bad because, when it comes to happy marrieds on the Street, we have slim pickings.

There's Kev and Sally who are more like the remaining contestants on a reality TV show than a married couple ('So you think you can drink?' or 'Survivor Weatherfield' - ed). Then there's Ken and Deirdre, but with the constant presence of Blanche, it's not so much a couple as a domestic, drab menage a trois (menagerie a trois, surely - ed). Ashley and Claire? Never the same after Claire's nutbar episode and Ashley's little dalliance with Casey (yes she was a psycho, but as pyschos go, she was quite fetching - ed).

Yes, we have Roy and Hayley but that's about it. Elsewhere, everyone else seems to be indulging their passions or having sordid, short-lived affairs (Norris and Mary should be ashamed of themselves - ed). There seems to be an endless list of sexually charged encounters: Carla and Tony, Carla and Liam. What's next? Carla and Ed Windass (that would be a real spoiler alert, especially for Carla - ed)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an old prude (you most definitely are an old prude, dude - ed). I enjoy the mating antics which go on -- but the Street needs one or two happily married couples, apart from Jack's pigeons and visiting Catholics. Molly and Tyrone have a good shot at it so I think it behooves Tyrone and Pam to get it sorted.

Maria d'Urbervilles

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 12 episode on CBC

Meet Tess of the d'Urbervilles, a young lady from a peasant family who endures misfortune after misfortune. Tess is taken advantage of by a rogue, has a baby who lives only one week, loses the man she loves (twice), stays with a man she hates. kills the man she hates and is arrested for murder and... well you get the idea.

When I see Maria sitting in church with Ozzie, I can't help thinking that she is the Street's 'Tess', the original hard luck girl. Maria herself alludes to this at one point by saying that her family seems to be plagued with bad luck. Maria, like Tess, has noble aspirations. She transforms herself from a Wellington-boot wearing kennel worker into a bona fide hairdresser. Along the way, she has a string of failed relationships with men from Jason to Nick (of Canada) to Peter Barlow. (For the record: she is bored in Canada, probably from watching too much Peter Mansbridge).

Her only true love (arguably) is Tyrone but she loses him. Incredibly, he dumps her since he can never meet her expectations. The family leaves the kennel in the hands of CEO Kirk (he's no Richard Branson - ed) to go look after donkeys (that's right, donkeys). Kirk loses the business and is now unemployed (I think). Meanwhile Maria continues to lurch from disaster to disaster (a sordid affair with Charlie Stubbs, for example). Most recently there is the sad story of her dead baby and. of course, the death of her husband Liam.

The novel, Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, was published in 1891. Maria's saga has yet to be played out but I do hope her luck changes. She certainly deserves it.

SHS (serious hunk shortage)

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 10 episode on CBC

Memo to: Corrie powers that be
From: Corrie Heart
Re: SHS

It has come to my attention (after speaking with several discerning female viewers), that there is an issue developing on Coronation Street which requires immediate action. (the mess in Darryl's shed? - ed).

The issue is the Serious Hunk Shortage (SHS) following the sad exit of the tall, broody, dark, handsome (that's enough - ed) Liam Connor (May he rest in peace - or in a future BBC mini-series). The fact is that Corrie is running dangerously low on good-looking men (aka eye-candy). First, there was the loss of Harry Mason (the mature betting woman's crumpet) and now Liam. Tony Gordon, whom some find appealing despite (or because of) his Scottish-psycho charm, is assuredly out of the running as a hunk in good standing as he continues to wreak evil.

Who does that leave?

Let's do a brief male-call.

Steve Macdonald - goofy looks, endearing charm and bad haircut. Good lad but hardly in the same leagues as our Liam.

Lloyd Mullaney - cuddly, cute and well meaning but no Daniel Craig - unless Daniel Craig has started eating large quantities of kebabs.

Dev Allahan - used to be a smooth talking, ladies' man in his heyday. Now he's more or less retired to the confines of his corner shop even though he is currently dating a mother-daughter combo (maybe he's still got it).

Kevin Webster - some women may like his 'Fight Club' earthiness but I don't hear much swooning.

Tyrone Dobbs - Corrie's answer to Wayne Rooney has a heart of gold but Maria didn't spend months trying to make him over for nothing. (See also: chest hair waxing).

Kirk Sutherland - Movie star good looks... if the movie is 'Deliverance' (according to Janice Battersby).

I think this cursory glance at the Corrie males proves conclusively that there is indeed a SHS on the street and I look forward to remedial action in the near future (i.e before Rosie runs out of pasta salad).

Yours Sincerely,

etc etc.

real men & fake boobs

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 11 episode on CBC

John Stape and Tyrone Dobbs are worlds apart but they have something in common. They are both eliciting some strong emotions and tears from the women who love them.

John's strategy seems to be to 'hang around' on Coronation Street and worm his way back into Fiz's good books. Is this pure manipulaton or heartfelt remorse? That's the question for poor Fiz. Slowly but surely, she is being charmed by his low-key presence and constant apologies. Mind you, she's not completely sold. "You love anything old - apart from Rosie Webster," she says. Ouch.

Despite her reservations and Chesney's disapproval, Fiz is slowly being persuaded that John could be ready for relationship rehab. Julie adds her two cents with a strong endorsement of the ex-teacher and urges Fiz to make a "u-turn". Julie points out that there is only so much doghouse that a man can endure - and she should know because she goes out with Kirk. At one point, she even breaks into song, belting out "on the street where you live" at high volume. (I think Fiz may get back together with John just to stop Julie from any further singing - I certainly would).

While this 'RomCom' ("without the com", as Julie says) is going on, Molly has her own problems dealing with Tyrone's mom, Jackie Dobbs. Jackie sings a sad song and works her con artistry on Molly - to the tune of 1,000 pounds. This was Molly's wedding money but she dutifully parts with it in order to save Jackie from the physical threats of Scary Brian. Poor Jackie just wanted the money to pay for her water bill, didn't she? Well, no, actually she just wanted to pay for a boob job in Majorca. Nothing like a little nip and tuck tourism. Got a problem with that? Molly is aghast and upset. Tyrone disinvites Jackie from the wedding. The result? The wedding fund is gone, Jackie has conned again and Molly realizes just what a "kind, beautiful man" Tyrone is. That's a rare tribute on Coronation Street and Tyrone only adds to his halo when he vows to give Molly a grand wedding even if he has to "flog a kidney".

I'm off to the big smoke (Toronto) for a few days. Back on Tuesday. Enjoy the Sunday omnibus and see you soon.

O Jackie

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 9 episode on CBC

Ever consider how many denizens of Coronation Street have spent time behind bars?

It's quite an impressive list. Let's see: there's Steve McDonald (chip off the old block), Kevin Webster (for assaulting John Stape), Deirdre Barlow (remember her bigamist beau?), Tracy Barlow, Becky Granger and David Platt. I'm sure I'm forgetting someone but let's just say we have enough convicted felons to justify the construction of a mininum security detention facility on the Red Wreck (quick, call Tony Gordon).

Now, it seems, we might have hit the 'jailbird jackpot' with the possible return of the irrepressible Jackie Dobbs, Tyrone's mom. Although my memory may be failing me (not to mention your writing - ed), I remember Jackie as a sparkplug and great catalyst for action on the Street.

Jackie got her big break when she shared a prison cell with Deirdre Barlow. That in itself was worth the price of admission. They were the unlikeliest of, how you say, bedfellows. An experienced prison habituee, Jackie was kind enough to show Deirdre the ropes and help her survive P4 women. Then, one day, Jackie suddenly appeared on the Street. It was payback time. She wasted no time catching up on old times with Deirdre, then becoming a squatter in Curly Watts house and leveraging her criminal ways. Soon her young son (Tyrone) was on the scene and they were a great twosome. Tyrone remains loyal to his mom in a sweet way. He points out to Molly that his mom is not a criminal except for shoplifting, robbery and, oh yeah, assault. Priceless.

Jackie has been hanging out in 'Spain' for quite a while (like Steve's brother Andy) In Coronation Street terminology, Spain is usually code for a holding area for characters who may return for cameos (as opposed to Canada which is usually code for banishment to an icy wasteland of no return).

So what can we expect if and when Jackie returns? Fireworks, I would think. Personally I'm hoping that Jackie will outdo herself this time around. Maybe she'll even become a squatter in one of the vacant Victoria Court flats and drive Tony Gordon right round the bend. I'm just hypothesizing here...

Pickles & ostrich hot pot

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 2 episode on CBC

Two culinary concoctions are being prepared on Coronation Street. At the Duckworth's (now Tyrone and Molly's house), Auntie Pam is re-packaging pickles that she bought at an auction into jars which she apparently 'recycled' from the garbage. Sounds yummy. Pam is a bit of an oddball. She appeared, deus ex machina (that's enough Latin - ed), in the Rovers one day and now seems to be a fixture at the home of Molly and Tyrone. She's not quite endearing and not quite funny, but maybe it just takes time to appreciate her qualities and, besides, Jack needs someone to talk to besides his pigeons.

Meanwhile, at the home of the kebab king, Jerry's ex-wife is busy with her own cooking methods. The lovely Teresa was shunted aside briefly when Ashley brought over the ingredients for a delicious ostrich hot pot. Sounds yummy again. The poker-faced Teresa was clearly chagrined at Ashley's intervention. That's because she has her own recipe for ostrich hot pot. I don't know the specifics, but I'm guessing it goes something like this:

Teresa's Ostrich Hot Pot
1 pound ostrich meat. cubed
2 tablets of Jerry's heart medicine
4 carrots, chopped
2 tablets of Jerry's heart medicine
2 large potatoes, diced
2 tablets Jerry's heart medicine
1 large onion, diced
2 tablets of Jerry's heart medicine
4 cups broth

Directions: Mix together, cook in medium oven for 1-2 hours, serve and kill Jerry