Tony Gordon It's Friday - the condom edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 28 episode on CBC

Well, the week ends on a sombre note as Jack tells Tyrone the reason for his visit. Elsewhere, Ryan ponders his educational future in Glasgow and Kirk's brain is working overtime as he tries to figure out how to buy a condom (hint: go to a shop). Nick's bar will be called the 'Joinery' although, given that the Underworld gals were in that space for a while, my personal choice would be 'The Whinery'. But anyhoo, let's get to it. Time for 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday', a weekly round-up of some of the week's memorable lines. I have to warn you that it's been a pretty lean week but let's give it the ol' college try:


Sally tells Molly not hesitate if she needs help with baby Jack's health crises:
"If you ever need a second opinion, you know where I am."
(well, okay, you asked for it, You're small-minded.)


Kirk wonders if his seduction techniques are valid:
"Is it true what they say about laughing a woman into bed?"
(Only in certain cases)


Dev offers his take on the art of seduction:
"It all comes down to plumage"
(yes but Kirk's a chicken)


Anna wants to know why Eddie is wrapping a present in the caf:
"It's a cafe not a sticky tapery"
(yes, the sticky tapery is down the street, turn left at the viaduct)


Simon writes a message on a card for Ken:
"Happy Birthday, Granbad"
(In Ken's case, 'Granbad' is pretty accurate)


Chesney reports a vending machine malfunction to Betty:
"I've lost my money in your condom machine"
(fill out this form and take it to the smoking shelter)


Kirk bemoans the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend and Chesney does:
"I seem to have lost the knack"
(lost the knack?)


Jack declares his reason for returning to his house on Coronation Street:
"I'm here because this is where I want to be at the end"
(oh dear. Say it ain't so, Jack)

***

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for the week. It's been an odd sort of week but definitely ending on a low note. Oh well. I hope you have a great weekend, as always, I thank you kindly for stopping by and visiting and leaving comments. Cheers and all the best!

Top 7 reasons why Eddie Windass gets barred from pubs

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 26 episode on CBC

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that Eddie Windass has been barred from 'several' pubs in the past. This info is revealed by Eddie's wife, Anna, as Eddie is in the process of getting barred from the Rovers for "getting up Becky's nose" (legal term, I believe -ed) about the fact that the Windasses have been approved for an adoption.

That means that, somewhere out there, there's a tiny baby felon (probably wearing stolen diapers) with the Windasses name on him or her (probably in the form of a tattoo - ed). But I digress. The burning question is: why has Eddie been barred from so many pubs in the past? One can only hazard a guess, but I suspect the top seven reasons probably go something like this:

7. smoking smelly cigars in the washroom and then saying to patrons, "I wouldn't go in there for 10 minutes, mate."
6. trying to steal the pub darts -- while the punters are still playing with them.
5. 'borrowing money' from the orphans' Christmas fund jar on the bar counter
4. leaving his cab running outside so he can nip in for a pint - while leaving pets and children in the car with the windows up
3. unplugging the jukebox and insisting that patrons pay him to sing 'Born this Way'
2. combing his hair at the bar despite repeated warnings
1. misinterpreting the barmaid when she asks: "Would you like some scratchin' s?"

Tyrone Dobbs & Jack Jr.

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Monday July 25 episode on CBC

You know that I love Tyrone, the big lug. And it's not just because of his 'Wayne Rooney good looks' or his 'what's MENSA anyway?' intellect. However, even I can't help but notice that, when it comes to caring for a newborn, ol' Ty is..how you say... worse than useless.

Granted Molly does have a few 'issues' going here (the phrase 'who's your daddy?' comes to mind -ed) and possibly a case of Post Partum (I always thought that was a breakfast cereal like 'Post Raisin Bran' or 'Grape Nuts' - ed), but still, you'd think Ty could help out a bit.

So far the big lug has contributed to the new baby workload by:
- making his own brew
- bringing Jack Jr. into The Rovers (what? no pint of bitter in his bottle? - ed)
- keeping his voice down while Molly has a nap - with the baby
- buying her a magazine from the Kabin
- arranging for Molly's arch-enemies (the Websters) to babysit

After one particular sleepless night Molly asks Ty to stick around for a bit but Ty says he can't -- or he'll be late for work. You'd think that a little paternity leave would be in order at the garage (for who? Ty or Kevin? they're both in the running for dad honours - ed).  And, while it's great to see Jack back at the house, he's not exactly Florence Nightingale (unless Florence Nightingale hung out at the Legion and bet on the horses - ed).

Hopefully Ty will get the message and get more involved in child care before Molly gets totally exhausted or strangles Kev - whichever comes first.

Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the AA edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 21 edition on CBC

"My name's Carla and I have a problem" (she also drinks too much). But seriously, folks, it's supposed to Alcoholics Anonymous not a neighbourhood drop-in centre. First Peter and now Carla. At this rate, they may as well hold their meetings at the Rovers... Ah well, let's get right down to it and do this regular Friday feature which we like to call TGIF (Tony Gordon, It's Friday), your buffet of tasty lines from the past week. (don't forget that Natasha's shrine of lines is in yesterday's post). Off we go:

Gail is adamant that her unethical actions are justifiable:
"I will not apologize for being a good mother"
(Believe me, no apology necessary)


Carla wants Natasha to leave the factory after her outburst:
"Bye Natasha, close your mouth on the way out"
(Too late for that)


Rosie swans into the house after a tough day at the 'office':
"If I had a pound for every guy that pinched my bum today, I could get a boob job"
(That's right, Rosie, aim high!)


Rita doesn't think Graeme is smart enough to clone a credit card:
"If Graeme had another brain cell, it'd be lonely"
(but even a single-celled Graeme brain is better than David Platt)  


Sally assures Sian's parents that she's researched homosexuality:
"There's never been a law against Lesbians - I've Googled it"
(Why? Is she looking for a legal loophole?)


Julie reveals the truth about her former lover:
"My second fiance tried to kill himself once"
(Only once?)


Tyrone brings Jack up to date on Street gossip:
"You know Sophie Webster - she's Lebanese"
(as opposed to Rosie who's from Slappervania)


Rita can't figure out what her work colleague is getting at:
"Do you know anyone who speaks fluent Norris?" 
(yes but the interpreter always falls asleep while translating)


Trevor's had enough of Underworld and Carla:
"I would rather be shifting rubbish, than treated like it"
(back to the bins!)

***

Here's food for thought: Does Fiz Stape look like Rebekah Brooks (formerly of News Corp in the UK)? Apparently some blogs say yes. Anyhoo, that's it for another week on Coronation Street. I hope you enjoyed all the action and I do thank you all for kindly dropping by and visiting. Thanks also for all your comments. Much appreciated. Have a great weekend and I'll meet you here next week for more of Blanche's Polish Hip.Cheers!

Natasha Blakeman's long goodbye

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 19 episode on CBC

Everyone on the Street seems to assume that Natasha is gone for good just because she took off in a fancy taxi. That may be but before she left, she had a few choice words for a few choice people. So, without further ado, here's a special Thursday edition of TGIF featuring some of Natasha's zingers. Take it away, Ms Blakeman:

Natasha stops in at the salon to tell David his place on the evolutionary scale:
"You're down there with the snakes"
(hey, that's an insult to snakes!)


Natasha waltzes into the Bookies to thank Leanne:
"You made me wake up and smell the bitchfest"
(I guess that's a new kind of aromatherapy)


Natasha has a quick word with Peter as he comes into the bookies:
"Look Leanne in the eye and ask her if she loves you"
(can she use her 'phone a friend' before she answers?)


and finally, Natasha walks into the clinic to tell Gail how she feels:
"I just wanted to say I never liked you."
(Don't sugar coat it, tell her how you really feel)


Natasha takes another shot at her Gailness:
"That top's too small for you"
(either that or her body's too big..)


Natasha again:
"Chop you in half and we'd see all the rings. How old are you Gail? 103?"
(she doesn't look a day over 91)


Natasha's final shot to Gail as Dr. Hunky arrives on the scene:
"Was it appropriate for you to illegally access my medical records?"
(only when no-one is watching)


Natasha walks out of the clinic after Dr. Hunky fires Gail:
"Back of the net!"
(now she's gotta run, it's time for her meds)

Nick's Nicknames

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 19 episode on CBC

Well, it looks like we won't be needing the countdown clock for when Gail Platt loses her job. A shame really, especially since our IT intern (Luke Skivewalker) came up with idea. Oh well, on the bright side, there were so many good lines in yesterday's episode of Corrie that I will be doing two TGIFs this week: one on Thursday (TGIT? - ed) with a selection of Natasha's gems as she wreaked vengeance up and down the street and the regular Friday edition with the rest of the memorable lines of the week. 

But for today, let's revisit Nick Tilsley's unforgivable habit of assigning unflattering nicknames to his co-workers at Underworld. What is the (under) world coming to when working colleagues show such disrespect for one another? (get on with it, squid legs! - ed).

So, in order to condemn this ignoble practice, let's recap Nick's list of nicknames:

He refers to Sean as 'limp wrists' (as opposed to Danny Baldwin who called Sean 'fruitcake', I believe)

Janice is 'grunting garden gnome', terrible! (although given her first aid training, I would have thought he would have gone for something like 'Nurse Wacky').

Julie is 'Jackie No' awful! (although, given her surname, he might have gone with 'Carp Diem' or 'Fish Fingers')

Carla is Mount Everest because she's icy and you wouldn't want to go there. Tsk tsk! (I thought he would have come up with something more like 'Matterhorny' but what do I know).

Trevor? Well, Nick didn't mention anything but I suspect it was something along the lines of 'Bin there, done nowt' or 'Homo defectus'. Again, quite inexcusable!

Fiz?  Not mentioned either but probably 'Red Menace' or 'Mrs Kidnapper'.  What an outrage!

Kirk? Probably just 'Kirk'  (ouch, now that hurts! - ed)

As I say, Blanche's Polish Hip roundly condemns this behavior and we believe that Nick should be severely reprimanded... by his mom.

***

Official Counter

NUMBER OF DAYS THAT GAIL PLATT HAS KEPT HER JOB AT THE CLINIC AFTER VIOLATING PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY:  1     (now closed)

The (Ciaran) McCarthy Era

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 18 episode on CBC

important note to readers: this post is certified 100% Platt-free - except the bit at the end

Any episode of Corrie which begins with Michelle (grrrr) running around Coronation Street wearing a fluffy, white bathrobe can't be bad, can it? But I digress. Today's topic is Ciaran McCarthy, chef, pint puller and eye-candy for Julie. The thing about Ciaran is that... well.. he seems to have changed. ("How so?" you ask).

Well, once upon a time, Ciaran was a hard-drinking, rugged, brash, woman chaser with dubious morals (are you sure he's not a builder? - ed). He arrived on the Street as an old mate of Peter Barlow (whatever did they have in common? - ed). Apparently they served together in the navy in a submarine (the HMS Bladdered?  -ed). 

However, it is perhaps the understatement of the year to say that Ciaran had an eye for the ladies. In fact, you'll need an abacus to tally up the number of women with whom he's had the proverbial 'leg over'. There's:
- Sunita (yes, that Sunita). In fact they were almost married!
- Bev (former Rovers barmaid)--  although I'm not 100% sure if they did or didn't
- Tracy Barlow (yes, that Tracy Barlow!)

But the icing on the cake was when Ciaran tried it on with best friend Peter's soon-to-be wife (which one? - ed). That was Shelley (daughter of Bev, incidentally). Then Ciaran insisted to Peter that it was Shelley who came on to him -- but finally the truth came out and Ciaran left.

So, you see, this new, shy, chivalrous, puppy-dog, butter-wouldn't-melt (that's enough -ed) Ciaran is quite different from the old Ciaran. The new Ciaran can't seem to bring himself to declare his true feelings for Michelle (he'd rather move to Glasgow - ed) and seems to be easily discouraged (apparently because he burned her chicken dinner and served baked beans on a date).

Come on Ciaran!. For God's sake man, she's wearing a FLUFFY BATHROBE on the Street!  Remember what they say in the navy (periscope up? - ed).  Actually I don't,  but it's probably something like when the going gets tough, the tough get going ('rowing' surely? - ed).

***

Official Counter

NUMBER OF DAYS THAT GAIL PLATT HAS KEPT HER JOB AT THE CLINIC AFTER VIOLATING PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY:  1  

Tony Gordon It's Friday: The David Platt goatee edition

Is it just me or are Nick's ears a little small for the size of his head? Just wondering. Anyhoo, let's summarize: Sian (pronounced 'shy-anne' I believe) and Sophie (pronounced 'sawfee' I believe) are no longer to be known as 'Sheffield United' since they ended their incredible adventure and returned to Weatherfield where we can at least decipher what they're saying via the reaction of others. And it appears that Graeme is Norris Jr. and Tina is Rita Jr., Oy vey. Well, let's put all that behind us and launch into TGIF, our weekly round up of lines from the past week. By the way, feel free to send in your own. I sometimes miss the best ones because I'm out of the room getting myself a Marmite sandwich (that explains the halitosis and nightmares - ed). Onward!

Rita tells Norris that he has been, and always will be, a fuddy duddy:
"You were born middle aged"
(I wonder if Bruce Springsteen could write a song about that...)


David insults Natasha's intellect:
"She makes Kirk sound like Stephen Hawking"
(eh?)


Natasha tries to make Gail understand her insecurities:
"Have you never been paranoid?"
(They told you to say that, didn't they? Didn't they?)


Natasha believes that she can makes things right with Nick:
"I got pregnant once, I can do it again"
(we're talking about conception here not winning the Champions League)


Gail takes her trademark sanctimonious tone with Natasha:
"It's a strait jacket she needs"
(Maybe she can borrow David's?)


Rosie doesn't think Jason is particularly well dressed:
"That's a wardrobical nightmare"
(Rosie seems to have her own special language, like Esperanto or Klingon)


Norris is back on the Internet and his online colleagues noticed his absence:
"14 of the posters thought I had died"
(so when will we know one way or the other?)


Natasha tells Nick that he'll be pleased to see her leave:
"Now go jump for joy"
(Gail will tell him how high)


David wonders how Natasha was planning to fake her pregnancy over the long term:
"What was she going to do when she got to like 13 months? Pretend she was an elephant?"
(It's a grey area)

***

Well, fellow lovers of Corrie, another week on the street and much has happened.  We'll be watching with interest to see if Gail loses her job at the clinic or manages to charm Dr. Hunky with a nice cup of tea and a digestive biscuit. I don't think the Nick/Natasha saga is over but I guess we'll have to wait and see. In the meantime, have a great weekend, stay cool and enjoy the Sunday omnibus. Thanks for dropping by and for your comments. I'll meet you here next week for more of Blanche's Polish Hip. Cheers!

Gail Platt talks about Electronic Health Records

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 13 episode on CBC

Today, Blanche's Polish Hip is proud to present another in a series of educational articles to help you, loyal Coronation Street watchers, acquire a better appreciation for current healthcare issues. Today, Gail Platt, dedicated healthcare worker from Weatherfield, talks about Electronic Health Records (EHR) and their vital importance in modernizing our health care system.

BPH: Good morning Ms. Platt

Gail: That's Ms. McIntyre if you don't mind. And could you hurry this along. My son needs me.

BPH: Of course. First, could you explain to our punters (er.. readers) exactly what an EHR is?

Gail: Well, an electronic health record is a computerized digital file which contains all the information about a patient in an easy-to-read, easily accessible format. It can be accessed through a personal computer by anyone who has the right to know about anyone who may be linked to her wonderful, darling son.

BPH: David?

Gail: No, you plank. Nicky. As a minor healthcare busybody in Britain's vast health information network, I have the right to hack in (I mean access) electronic health care records in order to safeguard my family and have a nose-around whenever I feel like it.

BPH: But what about privacy and security?

Gail:  Precisely! There's too much privacy and security. How am I supposed to quickly and efficiently find out about other people's health problems in the dead of night? Do you know how long it took me to get into Natasha's health records?  Anyone could come have come in while I was nosing around (in fact my mother did stick her oar in). They should make it easier and faster for anyone like me, who thinks they have a right to poke around in other people's private business, to scan EHRs at their leisure -- without interfering doctors getting in the way.

BPH: Are there any other benefits to EHRs? Efficiency? Better patient care? Fewer prescription mistakes?

Gail: Oh yes! I use them to help me keep track of who has -- and hasn't -- contributed to the staff biscuit fund here at the clinic. I just stick a note in their confidential medical file. Believe it or not there's some unethical people round here who have no qualms about stealing a Peek Freans without paying!

BPH: Thanks for your time

Gail Platt grapples with patient confidentiality

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 11 episode on CBC

Gail's got that look again. You know the one: the disapproving, smell-the-sour-gas scowl which she puts on whenever Natasha comes within GPS range. Of course, Gail is in fine form, being a bit of a medical busybody. She already got a reprimand from Dr. Hunky and, when Natasha simpers out in tears, Gail is right there like gristle on a hotpot, trying to sniff out what's up because, after all, it might affect darling Nicky.

The fact is, although Gail claims to understand patient confidentiality, I'm not sure she's at all clear on the concept.  In fact, she seems to think the job of receptionist at the clinic requires her to nose around a bit when the punters come in for their appointments. I can just imagine her behind the reception desk all day, shouting gems like:

"Please be patient, Mr Honeywell, Viagra prescriptions don't write themselves you know. It'll be ready in a few minutes and remember that if it lasts for more than four hours, come back here immediately and see doctor."

or:

"Okay, you lot. Who's the one with that Gonorrhea superbug? Come on, speak up. I don't have all day!"

or:

"My goodness that thing is so big, I'm surprised they got it all in one x-ray. Must have used a wide-angled lens"

or:


"Yoo hoo. Mr. Stephens. Yes you. Off you go to the examination room. The doctor is ready to look at that boil on your bum" 

Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the redheaded edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 7 episode on CBC

Well, well. It's looks like ol' Steverino is in 'Granger Danger' as he confronts Kylie and her thievin' ways. Elsewhere on the Street, Owen the builder seems to be working 'overtime' as he splits his contracting duties between Liz and Eileen. And, our Gary is in trouble again for fighting a punter outside the pub. O Tempus, O Mores! (O get on with it! - ed).  Here we go with a little something we like to call TGIF, a look back at some of the week's memorable lines. Allez:

Mary finds a red hair on her pillow thus narrowing down the list of suspects who stole her camper van:
"It appears that the perpetrator of my burglary was a redhead"
(Rita Sullivan, j' accuse)


Becky tells Steve to be patient with Kylie:
"We're all works in progress"
(and, believe me, Kylie is a real piece of work... in progress)


Mary's sleuthing leads her to suspect Kylie Granger:
"I think she's the missing link"
(Book her, Dano)


Audrey gets all nostalgic about Nick when he was an infant:
"Nick was such a great baby"
(he's still a baby... just not so great)


Betty Turpin is not amused at being a suspect in the Great Rovers Robbery:
"I'd storm out if I had the energy"
(...or maybe she'll just go on a hotpot strike)


Nick continues to berate Trevor at Underworld:
"See what your fat monkey's done now"
(Hey, hey. Trevor is not fat)


Kylie tries to seduce Steve as a way to keep him quiet about her habit of stealing:
"You may be married but you're still a bloke"
(Boy, Kylie makes Rosie look like the Duchess of Cambridge)

***

Well, fellow Corriephiles, it's the end of the week and there are several problems on the horizon: Kylie's habits, Gary's arrest, Claire Peacock's moving agenda, Natasha's faux pregnancy & Owen's two-timing ways.  On the surprising side, ol' Kirk seems to be doing his Sydney Carton routine and taking the fall for Gary Windass. That's a bit of a surprise. We'll see how it turns out. In the meantime, have a great weekend and thanks, as always, for stopping by. See you next week right here at the Hip. Cheers!

I've had my fair share of Claire... Peacock

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 6 episode on CBC

Feel free to disagree with me on this but I really have had my fill of Claire Peacock. This is an unusual admission for me as I generally find something redeeming, amusing or attractive about almost all of the Corrie regulars (including Norris? - ed). But, when it comes to Claire Peacock, I can truthfully say that she elicits almost no empathy from me.

The first appearance of Claire coincided with the glory days of the Peacock family, when Fred Elliot (Ashley's Dad) was strutting around marrying everything that moved - and regretting it later. The butcher industry was thriving and Ashley was a single father, looking for a caregiver for young Josh. Claire made her entrance as a mousy, earnest and responsible babysitter. At first, there seemed to be some real potential for her character. Eventually Ashley fell in love with Claire (a big step after the violent death of his first wife, Maxine) and, after many missteps and miscues, they got married.

But Claire never really developed the personality or charm of other people on the street. Instead, she always comes across as a harsh, humourless school marm lurching from crisis to crisis. Of course, there was her encounter with mental illness, a severe case of post partum which almost led to the destruction of her marriage. From then on, Ashley has borne the brunt of Claire's brusque agenda from street fetes to enforced vasectomies (ouch! - ed) to swapping houses with the Websters and now her plan to leave Coronation Street.

Of course, being Claire, she presents this as a fait accompli to Ashley, her unilateral solution to the recent incident with the Alahan's son. It's a mean ultimatum that will take Ashley, Josh and Freddie away from the places and people they love. And, if they do move away,  where on earth will Graeme Proctor ever find another job which involves the sanctioned use of large knives? 

who's been sleeping in my camper van?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 4 episode on CBC

Poor Mary! Some ruffians have made off with her camper van and now the bed is all askew (I think you're missing a consonant there - ed). But just how can you tell when someone's been sleeping in your camper van and using it for their 'pleasure' ? Here's a helpful list of tips:

You know someone's been sleeping in your camper van when...

... the Julio Iglesias CD in your music player has been replaced by a Chemical Brothers' CD

...there are pork scratchins in the microwave

... the Julio Iglesias CDs have been used as coasters for tall bottles of Voddie and lager

... there are leftover kebabs and chips under the pillows

...you find men's briefs (with a camouflage motif) on the bed

... your treasured book of Andalucia gourmet cooking has graffiti sprayed on it

...the radio has been switched over from BBC to Virgin radio

... your mini-shrine to Norris has been desecrated

...your Spanish guitar has been used as an ashtray

... there are signs that someone took a shower - in your sink

... someone drew a Hitler mustache on your precious photo of mother (or was that already there?)

TGIF: the Barlow dynasty edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 1 episode on CBC

Let me get this straight (that's what Lawrence said - ed). Kylie lives in a pub where she has ready access to free booze at any time of the day or night but decides to steal a bottle of vodka from Dev & Sunita's corner shop? Oh well, maybe old habits die hard. Maybe it's just me but I can't help feeling that this week was a tad lean in terms of memorable lines. Nevertheless, let's take a gander at some of the week's best in a little something we like to call 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday'. Off we go:

Anna Windass tells Gary not to fraternize with Kylie:
"Put her down. You don't where she's been"
(the smoking shelter, most likely)


Carla reveals Trevor's new executive role to Nick
"Meet our brand new under manager"
(She's 'bin' meaning to tell you)


James complains about his dad's (Lawrence) pedantic ways:
"Dad doesn't have conversations, he has monologues"
(must run... and run... and run... in the family)


Peter is skeptical of Ken's advice to Lawrence & James:
"This from a serial philanderer"
(Ken's an amphibious lover of ladies)


Peter describes his Dad's prolific ways:
"He's a veritable oak tree"
(But his roots are made for walkin')


Rosie insists that her well-honed mental skills helped her figure out why Molly was angry with Kevin:
"My private education was not wasted"
(True, it led to a promising career in the vodka shot industry)


Mary tells Izzy that she respects the differently-abled:
"I call it diff-abled"
(as in... please don't park in the diff-abled parking spaces)

***

Well, faithful Corrie Compadres, that's it for another week. As Mary's motorhome fades into the sunset, we bid farewell to C-Street for two days (I call it 'the drought') until Monday rolls around again. In the meantime, enjoy this long Canadian weekend and the Sunday omnibus episode. Thanks a lot for stopping by, reading my ramblings and visiting Blanche's Polish Hip. All the best and see you next week!