spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 30 episode on CBC
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for the boys in blue (I love the Blue Man Group too. They're outrageous - ed) but I can't help feeling that Weatherfield's finest were, how you say, caught napping when summoned to the urgent situation at Underworld.
Who knows? Maybe the cops are simply tired of getting calls from Coronation Street. ("Hello, you've reached the Weatherfield Police Force. Your call is important to us. Using your touch tone phone, please select one of the following options.For armed assault, press 1. For burglaries, please press 2. For dog napping, press 3. For murders, press 4. For anything involving David Platt, press 5.")
Anyhoo, it does seem to me (an innocent bystander) that the police were a tad tardy in getting to the scene of the crime leaving only poor Roy Cropper to deal with a gun-toting pyromaniac ("Mr. Gordon, I respectfully urge you to reconsider your current insidious course of abnormal behavioural dysfunction as your pernicious deeds will certainly not go unpunished").
Only while Becky is hammering away at the front door of Underworld (while the fellas watch!) do the cops finally show up. But then they do nothing except call Tony on the phone ("There's no answer sergeant. Should I ring again in ten minutes or leave a testy message?") and use about 300 feet of police tape to keep people away from the factory. Then, sometime later, it occurs to the police to ask ex-hostage Hailey what's going on inside Underworld. At one point a couple of the officers are even seen HAVING A CUP OF TEA with Michelle, Ryan & Ciaran!
Fortunately the fire department shows up and rams the factory door open. The rest, well... you know what happened. All I can say is thank goodness for Becky, my personal hero and Corrie's Wonder Woman.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Another fire at Underworld?
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 29 episode on CBC
What's that you say? A fire at Underworld? Again? Yes, Corrie lovers, someone is once again is humming 'come on baby, light my fire' (Jose Feliciano? - ed) while pouring gasoline (petrol? - ed) all over the inventory of badly-stitched knickers - as well as Carla and Hailey and poor old Robbie. And, at $1.25 or more a litre, that's a mighty expensive way to get rid of the factory. By the way, you'd think that the factory would have a sprinkler system by now wouldn't you? (well, there IS a hole in the roof which lets the rain in - ed)
But I digress.
By my count. this is the third time someone has intentionally or unintentionally set fire to Underworld. Good ol' Don Brennan took a shot at it back when Mike Baldwin was running the place. Seems Don didn't like Mike (couldn't he just unfriend him on Facebook? - ed). Then of course, there was Janice who managed to drop a cigarette which lit up Underworld again ("you can't start fire without a skiver" - Bruce Springsteen).
This time, it's 'psycho-killer-qu'est-que-c'est-Tony Gordon' who is spreading his charm -- and gasoline -- inside Underworld and preparing for a factory flambee. I don't like the way this is going -- unless Maria has the good sense and brains to act swiftly (after all she did write 'muderer' on the factory wall - ed). Let's just keep our fingers crossed that someone, anyone, has the time and nosiness quotient to investigate what's going on. Someone get Norris Cole, stat!
What's that you say? A fire at Underworld? Again? Yes, Corrie lovers, someone is once again is humming 'come on baby, light my fire' (Jose Feliciano? - ed) while pouring gasoline (petrol? - ed) all over the inventory of badly-stitched knickers - as well as Carla and Hailey and poor old Robbie. And, at $1.25 or more a litre, that's a mighty expensive way to get rid of the factory. By the way, you'd think that the factory would have a sprinkler system by now wouldn't you? (well, there IS a hole in the roof which lets the rain in - ed)
But I digress.
By my count. this is the third time someone has intentionally or unintentionally set fire to Underworld. Good ol' Don Brennan took a shot at it back when Mike Baldwin was running the place. Seems Don didn't like Mike (couldn't he just unfriend him on Facebook? - ed). Then of course, there was Janice who managed to drop a cigarette which lit up Underworld again ("you can't start fire without a skiver" - Bruce Springsteen).
This time, it's 'psycho-killer-qu'est-que-c'est-Tony Gordon' who is spreading his charm -- and gasoline -- inside Underworld and preparing for a factory flambee. I don't like the way this is going -- unless Maria has the good sense and brains to act swiftly (after all she did write 'muderer' on the factory wall - ed). Let's just keep our fingers crossed that someone, anyone, has the time and nosiness quotient to investigate what's going on. Someone get Norris Cole, stat!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Carla Connor and her 'to do' list
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 28 episode on CBC
Well, it's all kicking off now. Tony's got a gun (not a Claymore? - ed) and he's being as evil as a custard slice with salmonella. Poor Carla! As if she doesn't have enough on her plate. I can only imagine what her 'to do' list looks like....
11. get more Chardonnay (I'm down to me last four cases)
10.make appointment to get hair done (NOT at Audrey's)
9. tell Trevor not to keep saying "Bin there, done that" after sex.
8. fire Janice (I'll figure out why later)
7. fire those other factory workers who never speak and whose names I don't know but appear sometimes on the factory floor
6. get rid of Nick Tilsley (what a flippin' waste of space!)
5. fix hole in roof (it ain't rainin' men in here, it's just flippin' rainin')
4. find out what the hell happened to the two grand which was in the safe
3. get some new knicker contracts or Underworld will go under
2. ask Hailey about her salsa classes (sounds like fun!)
1. get untied and get away from ex-husband/nutter/psycho killer before he kills me
Well, it's all kicking off now. Tony's got a gun (not a Claymore? - ed) and he's being as evil as a custard slice with salmonella. Poor Carla! As if she doesn't have enough on her plate. I can only imagine what her 'to do' list looks like....
11. get more Chardonnay (I'm down to me last four cases)
10.make appointment to get hair done (NOT at Audrey's)
9. tell Trevor not to keep saying "Bin there, done that" after sex.
8. fire Janice (I'll figure out why later)
7. fire those other factory workers who never speak and whose names I don't know but appear sometimes on the factory floor
6. get rid of Nick Tilsley (what a flippin' waste of space!)
5. fix hole in roof (it ain't rainin' men in here, it's just flippin' rainin')
4. find out what the hell happened to the two grand which was in the safe
3. get some new knicker contracts or Underworld will go under
2. ask Hailey about her salsa classes (sounds like fun!)
1. get untied and get away from ex-husband/nutter/psycho killer before he kills me
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tony Gordon, It's Friday: the escapee edition
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 24 episode on CBC
Wow, what a week! A prison fight, a daring escape, Tony on a motorbike (a la Tom Cruise), courtroom drama and Eddie's coconut macaroons. Does it get any more thrilling than that? (try eating a hotpot on an empty stomach - ed). It's like a bizarre cross between Mission Impossible and Rumpole of the Bailey with a little Vicar of Dibley thrown in for good measure (I believe Robbie played Hugo on that UK series if I'm not mistaken). No time to dawdle, let's get on with TGIF or 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' our weekly round-up of memorable lines from the week's episodes. Break out:
David Platt searches the fridge for his favourite snack:
"What’s happened to those little yogurts?"
(Anka got them as part of her deal... along with the two grand)
Kirk is surprised to learn the origins of his name from an Underworld customer:
"Church? That’s my real name?"
(The name's Sutherland, Church Sutherland)
Nick is upset when David storms into Underworld and interrupts a meeting:
"Do I storm into the salon while you're in the middle of a perm?"
(If you did, you'd regret it: the horror, the horror)
Ciaran discovers that the beautiful Cheryl is a pole dancer:
"What you'd give to be that pole eh?"
(two thousand pounds in the case of Anka)
Eileen complains about Eddie Windass' attire:
"Have you seen him in his new driving gloves? He looks like across between a jewel thief and a pedophile"
(Let's hope it's more like jewel thief)
Nick does a role play with David who plays the part of Anka, the fake witness:
"Where'd you get your coat Mrs. Polish Cleaner Woman?"
(The Polish Cleaner Woman Coat Store, right next to Lululemon)
Deirdre can't believe that her daughter would lie about a murder:
"Tracy wouldn’t stitch Gail up would she, for an extra what ten minutes telly a night?"
(Would you believe 15 minutes and an infomercial?)
Robbie tells Tony what he's learned from Roy Cropper:
"Did you know the largest bat in the world is called the flying fox?"
(Maybe that's because it is a flying fox)
Robbie reminisces with Roy about the good old days of railway service:
"You could have your hair cut on the Flying Scotsman in them days"
(Speaking of which, anyone seen Tony lately?)
A lawyer in the courtroom makes his case against Gail Platt:
"The prosecution submits to you that her anger got the better of her and she struck him on the head with a rolling pin."
(That'll teach Joe not to make bad shortbread)
Dev can't believe that Sunita let Tony into the house:
"He’s Tony Gordon. He’s the man who murdered Maria’s husband"
(Oh, that Tony Gordon)
Wow, what a week! A prison fight, a daring escape, Tony on a motorbike (a la Tom Cruise), courtroom drama and Eddie's coconut macaroons. Does it get any more thrilling than that? (try eating a hotpot on an empty stomach - ed). It's like a bizarre cross between Mission Impossible and Rumpole of the Bailey with a little Vicar of Dibley thrown in for good measure (I believe Robbie played Hugo on that UK series if I'm not mistaken). No time to dawdle, let's get on with TGIF or 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' our weekly round-up of memorable lines from the week's episodes. Break out:
David Platt searches the fridge for his favourite snack:
"What’s happened to those little yogurts?"
(Anka got them as part of her deal... along with the two grand)
Kirk is surprised to learn the origins of his name from an Underworld customer:
"Church? That’s my real name?"
(The name's Sutherland, Church Sutherland)
Nick is upset when David storms into Underworld and interrupts a meeting:
"Do I storm into the salon while you're in the middle of a perm?"
(If you did, you'd regret it: the horror, the horror)
Ciaran discovers that the beautiful Cheryl is a pole dancer:
"What you'd give to be that pole eh?"
(two thousand pounds in the case of Anka)
Eileen complains about Eddie Windass' attire:
"Have you seen him in his new driving gloves? He looks like across between a jewel thief and a pedophile"
(Let's hope it's more like jewel thief)
Nick does a role play with David who plays the part of Anka, the fake witness:
"Where'd you get your coat Mrs. Polish Cleaner Woman?"
(The Polish Cleaner Woman Coat Store, right next to Lululemon)
Deirdre can't believe that her daughter would lie about a murder:
"Tracy wouldn’t stitch Gail up would she, for an extra what ten minutes telly a night?"
(Would you believe 15 minutes and an infomercial?)
Robbie tells Tony what he's learned from Roy Cropper:
"Did you know the largest bat in the world is called the flying fox?"
(Maybe that's because it is a flying fox)
Robbie reminisces with Roy about the good old days of railway service:
"You could have your hair cut on the Flying Scotsman in them days"
(Speaking of which, anyone seen Tony lately?)
A lawyer in the courtroom makes his case against Gail Platt:
"The prosecution submits to you that her anger got the better of her and she struck him on the head with a rolling pin."
(That'll teach Joe not to make bad shortbread)
Dev can't believe that Sunita let Tony into the house:
"He’s Tony Gordon. He’s the man who murdered Maria’s husband"
(Oh, that Tony Gordon)
***
Well, fellow Corrie lovers, that's it for the week. I hope you enjoyed this week's episodes with all the special effects, stunts and courtroom drama. What did you think of the new opening montage and updated theme? The jury is still out here at Corrie Central but I think it will take a little getting used to. Thanks, as always, for stopping by and for the comments and have a great weekend. Cheers!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Free Gail Platt (while quantities last)
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 22 episode on CBC
Looks like it's time for another courtroom drama on Coronation Street. This is the forum where the working class (Corrie citizens) meets the upper-middle class in the form of lawyers, judges and various other robed officials. Typically, there is much wailing, weeping and gnashing of teeth from the public gallery where family and friends gather -- and where busy bodies go to get their salacious entertainment and gossip (that would be Norris - and Blanche, bless her heart, if she were still with us).
Gail Platt, as defendant, will likely face a barrage of tough questions from the crown prosecutor. There will be shouts and cries of outrage from her family and inevitable stern reproaches from the judge who will shout "order in this courtroom" several times and use his gavel. One thing you don't often see in the coutroom (as opposed to weddings and funerals) is a catfight (Judge Judy, take note -ed). However, if by some miracle, a catfight DOES happen to break out during the sombre proceedings, then who would be the likely combatants? I'm quite certain that British bookmakers would expect, nay insist, that we speculate:
Tracey & Gail: 13 to 8
Tina & Gail: 7 to 4
Tracey & Anka: 4 to 1
Tina & Anka: 5 to 1
Tracey & Tina: 6 to 1
Audrey & Deirdre: 20 to 1
Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets...
Looks like it's time for another courtroom drama on Coronation Street. This is the forum where the working class (Corrie citizens) meets the upper-middle class in the form of lawyers, judges and various other robed officials. Typically, there is much wailing, weeping and gnashing of teeth from the public gallery where family and friends gather -- and where busy bodies go to get their salacious entertainment and gossip (that would be Norris - and Blanche, bless her heart, if she were still with us).
Gail Platt, as defendant, will likely face a barrage of tough questions from the crown prosecutor. There will be shouts and cries of outrage from her family and inevitable stern reproaches from the judge who will shout "order in this courtroom" several times and use his gavel. One thing you don't often see in the coutroom (as opposed to weddings and funerals) is a catfight (Judge Judy, take note -ed). However, if by some miracle, a catfight DOES happen to break out during the sombre proceedings, then who would be the likely combatants? I'm quite certain that British bookmakers would expect, nay insist, that we speculate:
Tracey & Gail: 13 to 8
Tina & Gail: 7 to 4
Tracey & Anka: 4 to 1
Tina & Anka: 5 to 1
Tracey & Tina: 6 to 1
Audrey & Deirdre: 20 to 1
Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tony Gordon, it's Tuesday?
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 21 episode on CBC
Holy Communion, Batman! Look who's back! Terrible Tony Gordon is doing just fine thank you. He's being a model McInmate. What's he doing, you ask? Oh, just the usual: going to mass, wearing comfortable duds, being sociable with his fellow cellmate (you mean Roy Cropper's stunt-double, no doubt serving time for protecting the endangered Northern vole? - ed) and smuggling in a SIM card for his cellphone.
Hold on! Smuggling a cellphone into jail (wonder if he's with Telus or Rogers? - ed) What's Tone up to now? Hasn't he learned his lesson? Well, maybe the phone is jut a bit a fun, you know, something to pass the time. Maybe he'll just use it to make a few prank calls ("Hello, have you got Prinnce Albert in a can? Well, guid God man, you'd better let him out!" Click).
Or maybe he just wants to catch up with his old mates? ("Hello Jimmy, remember me, Tony Gordon, the guy who hired you to run Kevin Webster out of business, run over Liam Connor and kill my wee wife?")
Or maybe he just wants to make amends ("Hello Roy Cropper. TG here. Look, laddie, I'm sorry about pushing you in the longitudinal loch. BTW, how's your lovely manwife? Och, sorry to hear that.")
Or does Tony have something more sinister in mind (like saving Underworld or it's soon-to-be leaky roof subsidiary: WaterWorld? - ed). I'll bet ol' Tone has something nefarious up his sporran. Can't wait to find out what it is.
shot from the hip: have you noticed how all the imprisoned Corrie folks are taking centre stage on the show lately? First Gail, then Tracey and now Tony Gordon. It's like watching 'Prison Break' -- without the weightlifting and the shower scenes...
Holy Communion, Batman! Look who's back! Terrible Tony Gordon is doing just fine thank you. He's being a model McInmate. What's he doing, you ask? Oh, just the usual: going to mass, wearing comfortable duds, being sociable with his fellow cellmate (you mean Roy Cropper's stunt-double, no doubt serving time for protecting the endangered Northern vole? - ed) and smuggling in a SIM card for his cellphone.
Hold on! Smuggling a cellphone into jail (wonder if he's with Telus or Rogers? - ed) What's Tone up to now? Hasn't he learned his lesson? Well, maybe the phone is jut a bit a fun, you know, something to pass the time. Maybe he'll just use it to make a few prank calls ("Hello, have you got Prinnce Albert in a can? Well, guid God man, you'd better let him out!" Click).
Or maybe he just wants to catch up with his old mates? ("Hello Jimmy, remember me, Tony Gordon, the guy who hired you to run Kevin Webster out of business, run over Liam Connor and kill my wee wife?")
Or maybe he just wants to make amends ("Hello Roy Cropper. TG here. Look, laddie, I'm sorry about pushing you in the longitudinal loch. BTW, how's your lovely manwife? Och, sorry to hear that.")
Or does Tony have something more sinister in mind (like saving Underworld or it's soon-to-be leaky roof subsidiary: WaterWorld? - ed). I'll bet ol' Tone has something nefarious up his sporran. Can't wait to find out what it is.
***
shot from the hip: have you noticed how all the imprisoned Corrie folks are taking centre stage on the show lately? First Gail, then Tracey and now Tony Gordon. It's like watching 'Prison Break' -- without the weightlifting and the shower scenes...
Friday, March 18, 2011
Tony Gordon, It's Friday: The Dumb & David edition
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 17 episode on CBC
Meet David & Nick Platt: super-criminals. They decide to bribe a witness, give her £2,000 and wait for her to make her statement... outside the police station. What could possibly go wrong? Ah well, that's one reason why we watch: to see what David will do next. Anyhoo, it's time for Tony Gordon It's Friday or TGIF, our review of memorable lines from the past week. Onward!
Bella, salsa instructor, tells Hayley that her new dress is fabulous:
"I honestly believe you can’t dance salsa unless you look salsa"
(Of course there's a fine line between looking salsa... and looking like a bottle of salsa)
Carla asks Kirk about his job experience:
"Well it’s mainly been dogs and butchering".
(Should be invaluable in the garment industry)
Becky reassures Amy who is upset by David Platt's rant:
"Oh, don’t even worry about David Platt. He’s just a toe rag"
(that's an insult to toe rags)
Kirk rationalizes the fact that he didn't a get a sewing job at Underworld:
"it’s like what Billy Joel said: 'You can’t miss what you never had' Or was that Gandhi?"
(I believe it was Billy Gandhi, accomplished New Wave artist of the 90s)
Marital friction is bothering Roy and he tells Hayley:
"I’m finding our lack of communication extremely distracting"
(perhaps this calls for a Vulcan mind-meld)
Anka, the cleaning lady, understands perfectly what Nick and David Platt are after:
"I’m Polish, not stupid."
(whereas Nick and David are not Polish, but...)
Meet David & Nick Platt: super-criminals. They decide to bribe a witness, give her £2,000 and wait for her to make her statement... outside the police station. What could possibly go wrong? Ah well, that's one reason why we watch: to see what David will do next. Anyhoo, it's time for Tony Gordon It's Friday or TGIF, our review of memorable lines from the past week. Onward!
Bella, salsa instructor, tells Hayley that her new dress is fabulous:
"I honestly believe you can’t dance salsa unless you look salsa"
(Of course there's a fine line between looking salsa... and looking like a bottle of salsa)
Carla asks Kirk about his job experience:
"Well it’s mainly been dogs and butchering".
(Should be invaluable in the garment industry)
Becky reassures Amy who is upset by David Platt's rant:
"Oh, don’t even worry about David Platt. He’s just a toe rag"
(that's an insult to toe rags)
Kirk rationalizes the fact that he didn't a get a sewing job at Underworld:
"it’s like what Billy Joel said: 'You can’t miss what you never had' Or was that Gandhi?"
(I believe it was Billy Gandhi, accomplished New Wave artist of the 90s)
Marital friction is bothering Roy and he tells Hayley:
"I’m finding our lack of communication extremely distracting"
(perhaps this calls for a Vulcan mind-meld)
Anka, the cleaning lady, understands perfectly what Nick and David Platt are after:
"I’m Polish, not stupid."
(whereas Nick and David are not Polish, but...)
***
That's it for another week on the Street. Thanks so much for the comments which I greatly enjoy. Have a great weekend and enjoy the omnibus on Sunday. A special hello to the Hudson Coronation Street Appreciation Society (HCSAS) and its 150 members who get together to regularly talk Corrie in Hudson, just West of Montreal. Now that's what I call 'quality skiving.' Cheers!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Mommy, what's a toerag?
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 15 episode on CBC
Poor New Amy! Surrounded on all sides by fags, booze and conflict. If she ever makes it out of elementary school unscathed, it'll be a minor miracle. The latest chapter in the education of Ms. Amy is David Platt charging into the Rovers, shouting the odds and yelling at the elder Barlows - just because Tracy stitched up Gail in prison and the coppers found an incriminating kitchen utensil (damn Joe McIntyre and his penchant for baking bad shortbread - if he had been a good chef, Gail wouldn't have had to hide the rolling pin and she wouldn't be facing 20 to life in prison). But I digress. Back to New Amy (now with the ability to speak - ed) Becky consoles the young lass and tells her not to worry about silly old David Platt because he's "just a toerag." But then Amy says: "What's a toerag?"
Well, I'm glad you asked...
TOE-RAG Pronunciation [toh] [rag]Function:
noun
Usage:
derogatory or pejorative term
(as in "David/Tracy/Owner of La Belle is a toerag")
2: A useless or disagreeable individual (like David Platt) may employ the phrase to describe a useless or disagreeable person (like David Platt) -- of which there are many in Coronation Street.
3: A piece of material used to tow a boat back to shore or back to safety. As in when David Platt, the toe rag, used a tow rag to pull Joe's boat back to the cottage on Lake Windermere and then dried his feet with a (you guessed it) toe rag.
* If you want more actual useful info about toerag, check this entry in wiktionary)
Poor New Amy! Surrounded on all sides by fags, booze and conflict. If she ever makes it out of elementary school unscathed, it'll be a minor miracle. The latest chapter in the education of Ms. Amy is David Platt charging into the Rovers, shouting the odds and yelling at the elder Barlows - just because Tracy stitched up Gail in prison and the coppers found an incriminating kitchen utensil (damn Joe McIntyre and his penchant for baking bad shortbread - if he had been a good chef, Gail wouldn't have had to hide the rolling pin and she wouldn't be facing 20 to life in prison). But I digress. Back to New Amy (now with the ability to speak - ed) Becky consoles the young lass and tells her not to worry about silly old David Platt because he's "just a toerag." But then Amy says: "What's a toerag?"
Well, I'm glad you asked...
TOE-RAG Pronunciation [toh] [rag]Function:
noun
Usage:
derogatory or pejorative term
(as in "David/Tracy/Owner of La Belle is a toerag")
- Etymology:
- Toe, origin uncertain. Rag from Old English raggig ; related to Old Norse rögg tuft. Manchester-area dialect origins date back to the first knicker factory when one of the machinists said that another machinist's work was of poor quality and resembled a "rag" fit only to wipe the the forepart of the human foot. The term was subsequently employed by many working class denizens including Ray Langton. (For more information please consult Roy Cropper or the Weatherfield Historical Society -- although Roy may be preoccupied with Salsa 'issues'))
- Date:
- 14th century (first used by Ena Sharples, I believe)
2: A useless or disagreeable individual (like David Platt) may employ the phrase to describe a useless or disagreeable person (like David Platt) -- of which there are many in Coronation Street.
3: A piece of material used to tow a boat back to shore or back to safety. As in when David Platt, the toe rag, used a tow rag to pull Joe's boat back to the cottage on Lake Windermere and then dried his feet with a (you guessed it) toe rag.
* If you want more actual useful info about toerag, check this entry in wiktionary)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Kirk Sutherland's CV
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 14 episode on CBC
Poor Kirk. I don't like to see him flailing around looking for a job when all he needs is a good resume to set him on the right path. Fortunately, resume writing is one of my talents (then why don't you have a decent job? - ed). Let me try to spruce up Kirk's Curriculum Vitae and thus make him more attractive to Carla (in that case, you'd better send it to her wrapped around a cask of chardonnay - ed).
Poor Kirk. I don't like to see him flailing around looking for a job when all he needs is a good resume to set him on the right path. Fortunately, resume writing is one of my talents (then why don't you have a decent job? - ed). Let me try to spruce up Kirk's Curriculum Vitae and thus make him more attractive to Carla (in that case, you'd better send it to her wrapped around a cask of chardonnay - ed).
Kirk Sutherland
Address: bit of a problem as I'm between lodgings right now. Just text me mobile if you need to reach me or leave a message on my online dating account: jasongrimshaw@meetmarket.com
Career Objective:
To find a dynamic, customer-service oriented position in the dog or butchering sector.
EXPERIENCE:
Hiyalowa - played female native North American along with General Custard for children's performing troupe for short-term engagement (one day).
Apprentice Butcher - performed all required butchering duties (cutting, cleaving, gutting, sawing, sweeping) at Elliot's Butcher Shop. Laid off due to economic reasons.
Dog Walker - walked dogs (as the title implies)
Dog Kennel Manager - you'd think that this were similar to dog walking but is in fact completely different. Duties included: walking dogs.
HOBBIES:
- yes
EDUCATION:
- yes
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Saturday edition
Yes, I know, I know. I'm late. I wasn't skiving (if that's what you were thinking) nor was I recovering from a skinful. If you must know, I had to make a quick trip to the Big Smoke and... well it turned out to be bigger and smokier than I expected. However I do realize that I'm about as popular as a fart in a space suit right now so let's do that little thing I like to call TGIF, your weekly buffet of tasty lines from this week's Corrie. Roll 'em:
Tracy expresses her feelings about Gail's choice of husband:
"weren’t you embarrassed to have picked another nutter?"
(at least she's consistent)
Gail tells Tracy about the cruel economic factors behind Joe's death:
"I didn’t kill my husband, Tracy - the recession did"
(well, let's arrest this 'recession' before it strikes again)
One of many highlights from the reading of Blanche's will:
"I also entrust him [Ken] with the care of my faithful companion, Eccles, to feed and walk her regularly while avoiding canals, theatres or any other places where women of ill repute may gather."
(I guess that rules out everywhere except the Red Rec)
Gail shares a Hallmark moment with Tracy:
"I was never your greatest fan before. In fact I always thought you were a bit of a cow"
(udder nonsense!)
Hailey tells Roy that his lack of emotion is distinctly Vulcan:
"You don’t have any feelings, you're like Mr. Spock"
(Fascinating)
The slimeball owner of La Belle shares business wisdom with Lloyd:
"Punters aren’t gonna pay to watch some dog are they?"
(I dunno, let me see the dog)
Tracy hits Becky below the belt:
"At least my eggs are in perfect working order"
(you mean 'over easy')
The La Belle slimeball owner doesn't like Cheryl's work habits:
"Who do you think you are? You turn up late, do a couple of hours"
(a machinist at Underworld?)
Gerald, at the salsa class, apologizes to Anna and Hailey
"Oh sorry, I thought you were lesbians"
(quite alright, old sport)
Bella, the salsa class teacher shows Hailey a unique dress:
"Every sequin was sewn on by a blind person"
(I see)
Bella again:
"I love clothes that tell a story"
(especially a horror story!)
Tracy expresses her feelings about Gail's choice of husband:
"weren’t you embarrassed to have picked another nutter?"
(at least she's consistent)
Gail tells Tracy about the cruel economic factors behind Joe's death:
"I didn’t kill my husband, Tracy - the recession did"
(well, let's arrest this 'recession' before it strikes again)
One of many highlights from the reading of Blanche's will:
"I also entrust him [Ken] with the care of my faithful companion, Eccles, to feed and walk her regularly while avoiding canals, theatres or any other places where women of ill repute may gather."
(I guess that rules out everywhere except the Red Rec)
Gail shares a Hallmark moment with Tracy:
"I was never your greatest fan before. In fact I always thought you were a bit of a cow"
(udder nonsense!)
Hailey tells Roy that his lack of emotion is distinctly Vulcan:
"You don’t have any feelings, you're like Mr. Spock"
(Fascinating)
The slimeball owner of La Belle shares business wisdom with Lloyd:
"Punters aren’t gonna pay to watch some dog are they?"
(I dunno, let me see the dog)
Tracy hits Becky below the belt:
"At least my eggs are in perfect working order"
(you mean 'over easy')
The La Belle slimeball owner doesn't like Cheryl's work habits:
"Who do you think you are? You turn up late, do a couple of hours"
(a machinist at Underworld?)
Gerald, at the salsa class, apologizes to Anna and Hailey
"Oh sorry, I thought you were lesbians"
(quite alright, old sport)
Bella, the salsa class teacher shows Hailey a unique dress:
"Every sequin was sewn on by a blind person"
(I see)
Bella again:
"I love clothes that tell a story"
(especially a horror story!)
**
That's it for the week fellow Corrie fans. thanks for stopping by and thanks for sticking with BPH even when we're late. All the best and have a great weekend. Remember to put your clocks forward this Saturday night or you'll find youself watching Jeopardy instead of Corrie next week (or something like that). Cheers!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Plan B at the prison
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 8 episode on CBC
It seems the two detectives from Weatherfield CSI have been so far unsuccessful in their devilish plan to get the goods on Gail Platt. Their strategy was to put Tracy Barlow into Gail's cell and get ol' Trace to play informant, squeezing a murder confession out of Gail. Sadly, the ruse hasn't worked so maybe it's time to try something else... something like this:
Gail: somone's stolen me lippy again.
Tracy: That's okay Gail, you can borrow mine. I'm your best friend.
(knock, knock. Guard opens cell door)
Guard: Sorry ladies but you'll have to make room for one more. We're a little crowded but I reckon the three of you will get along just fine.
Gail: Tony Gordon!
Tony: Gail, Tracy. Mind if I join you ladies for a wee chat.
Tracy: Where have they been hiding you, gorgeous?
Tony: solitary, mostly.
Gail: This is ridiculous. I demand to speak to the warden. I'm not sharing a cell with two miurderers
Tracy: er, I'm not too crazy about it either you know. This will interfere with my table tennis training
Tony: I'm sorry to hear about you murdering your husband, Gail. Why don't you tell Uncle Tony all about it over a wee dram.
Tracy: er, hang on a second, Scotty. Gail was about to confess to me before you riverdanced in here.
Gail: I want to speak to the warden!
It seems the two detectives from Weatherfield CSI have been so far unsuccessful in their devilish plan to get the goods on Gail Platt. Their strategy was to put Tracy Barlow into Gail's cell and get ol' Trace to play informant, squeezing a murder confession out of Gail. Sadly, the ruse hasn't worked so maybe it's time to try something else... something like this:
Gail: somone's stolen me lippy again.
Tracy: That's okay Gail, you can borrow mine. I'm your best friend.
(knock, knock. Guard opens cell door)
Guard: Sorry ladies but you'll have to make room for one more. We're a little crowded but I reckon the three of you will get along just fine.
Gail: Tony Gordon!
Tony: Gail, Tracy. Mind if I join you ladies for a wee chat.
Tracy: Where have they been hiding you, gorgeous?
Tony: solitary, mostly.
Gail: This is ridiculous. I demand to speak to the warden. I'm not sharing a cell with two miurderers
Tracy: er, I'm not too crazy about it either you know. This will interfere with my table tennis training
Tony: I'm sorry to hear about you murdering your husband, Gail. Why don't you tell Uncle Tony all about it over a wee dram.
Tracy: er, hang on a second, Scotty. Gail was about to confess to me before you riverdanced in here.
Gail: I want to speak to the warden!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Tony Gordon, It's Friday - bums on pews edition
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 3 episode on CBC
The funeral is over, the last meat pies have been eaten by the One O'clock Club, Tracey is back in the nick and the booze is flowing like the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. Blanche couldn't have asked for a better send off (Actually, she did ask for a better send-off - ed). Time for another edition of TGIF or 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday', the funeral edition. Cue 'Accentuate the positive' and let's go:
Blanche's funeral preferences state categorically that she doesn't want to be cremated:
"I've flirted with many branches of the Christian faith in my life but I am not a Viking."
(she didn't even like Scandinavian furniture)
Kirk practices opening lines for the young lady he's meeting on a date:
"Nice wheels."
(hmm, how about 'do you roll here often?' or 'if I told you you had a beautiful axle, would you hold it against me?')
Deirdre is having trouble writing a eulogy for her mother:
"Funerals were her specialty."
(her hobby, I believe)
Roy Cropper speaks his mind about Blanche:
"I found her a difficult and unpleasant woman."
(and probably not a very good tipper either)
Rosie Webster demonstrates her linguistic aptitude:
"As they say in Spain: sayonara"
(In any language, Senorita Webster es muy annoying)
Becky is surprised at some of the social worker's probing questions:
"She asked us if we had any preferences regarding sex"
(How much time do you have?)
Norris has a glum reflection to share with everyone in the Rovers:
"All the blarney in the world won't work on the Grim Reaper"
(Cheer up Norris, you could still be stuck in Bronte country with Mary)
Speaking of which... Norris' suitor/stalker says it not him, it's her:
"It's something about Mary."
(a lot of things, actually)
Audrey's snappy conversation starter with Archie Shuttleworth, undertaker:
"How's death treating you these days?"
(oh can't complain)
Rita insists that Blanche would have enjoyed her funeral:
"A funeral, a fight, free food? Would have been Blanche’s dream day out."
(amen)
The funeral is over, the last meat pies have been eaten by the One O'clock Club, Tracey is back in the nick and the booze is flowing like the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. Blanche couldn't have asked for a better send off (Actually, she did ask for a better send-off - ed). Time for another edition of TGIF or 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday', the funeral edition. Cue 'Accentuate the positive' and let's go:
Blanche's funeral preferences state categorically that she doesn't want to be cremated:
"I've flirted with many branches of the Christian faith in my life but I am not a Viking."
(she didn't even like Scandinavian furniture)
Kirk practices opening lines for the young lady he's meeting on a date:
"Nice wheels."
(hmm, how about 'do you roll here often?' or 'if I told you you had a beautiful axle, would you hold it against me?')
Deirdre is having trouble writing a eulogy for her mother:
"Funerals were her specialty."
(her hobby, I believe)
Roy Cropper speaks his mind about Blanche:
"I found her a difficult and unpleasant woman."
(and probably not a very good tipper either)
Rosie Webster demonstrates her linguistic aptitude:
"As they say in Spain: sayonara"
(In any language, Senorita Webster es muy annoying)
Becky is surprised at some of the social worker's probing questions:
"She asked us if we had any preferences regarding sex"
(How much time do you have?)
Norris has a glum reflection to share with everyone in the Rovers:
"All the blarney in the world won't work on the Grim Reaper"
(Cheer up Norris, you could still be stuck in Bronte country with Mary)
Speaking of which... Norris' suitor/stalker says it not him, it's her:
"It's something about Mary."
(a lot of things, actually)
Audrey's snappy conversation starter with Archie Shuttleworth, undertaker:
"How's death treating you these days?"
(oh can't complain)
Rita insists that Blanche would have enjoyed her funeral:
"A funeral, a fight, free food? Would have been Blanche’s dream day out."
(amen)
***
Well, fellow Corrie lovers, that's it for the week. Thanks, as always, for stopping by and spending some time at the Hip. I hope you have a great weekend and enjoy the Sunday omnibus. It's been a landmark week for Coronation Street and I hope you enjoy it. Cheers!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Eulogy for Blanche Hunt
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 2 episode on CBC
Hmm. New Amy, old Tracy, a cat fight at the funeral service and we haven't even got to the buffet yet. FYI, Ken Barlow (aka William Roache) said he actually hurt his shoulder while carrying the coffin (you can see him wince if you watch closely). Anyhoo, in case you missed it, here's Deirdre's eulogy which she delivered at the funeral. It was very touching.
"The only thing my mother didn’t organize about her funeral was this speech. In my day, she said, if something bad happened you stayed home, got drunk and bit on a shoe. She would have been made up to see everybody here like this, the community out in force. Someone even mentioned that our local cafe had closed today as a mark of respect.
She lived for her family, my mum. "Four generations of us lot - there’s not many families can say that," she used to say when we were together. Only three generations now. I know it seems daft but I’m 54 and I feel like an orphan.
We've had our ups and downs as a family, more than our fair share actually, and I honestly don’t know how I would have got through the worst times, how me and Ken and Tracy and Peter would have coped without that mean-spirited old witch in the corner telling us to stop blubbering, pull our socks up and our fingers out. Yeah she was good with words. And people have used a few to describe her to me over the last few days: Unique, fearless, honest, oh I think actually they were being polite there. I think brutal might have been nearer the mark.
Anyway she always used to say that people giving eulogies always prattled on too long and they'd be better off picking a few words to sum up the deceased, clear off and let the mourners get to the buffet. But how do you choose just a couple of words to describe this one, eh?
Me and Ken tried for ages to come up with them and we never really did hit on the right ones, but there are only two words that I'll think of when I remember her, two words that sum up her love, her support, her protection, her loyalty and her strength: My mother."
Hmm. New Amy, old Tracy, a cat fight at the funeral service and we haven't even got to the buffet yet. FYI, Ken Barlow (aka William Roache) said he actually hurt his shoulder while carrying the coffin (you can see him wince if you watch closely). Anyhoo, in case you missed it, here's Deirdre's eulogy which she delivered at the funeral. It was very touching.
"The only thing my mother didn’t organize about her funeral was this speech. In my day, she said, if something bad happened you stayed home, got drunk and bit on a shoe. She would have been made up to see everybody here like this, the community out in force. Someone even mentioned that our local cafe had closed today as a mark of respect.
She lived for her family, my mum. "Four generations of us lot - there’s not many families can say that," she used to say when we were together. Only three generations now. I know it seems daft but I’m 54 and I feel like an orphan.
We've had our ups and downs as a family, more than our fair share actually, and I honestly don’t know how I would have got through the worst times, how me and Ken and Tracy and Peter would have coped without that mean-spirited old witch in the corner telling us to stop blubbering, pull our socks up and our fingers out. Yeah she was good with words. And people have used a few to describe her to me over the last few days: Unique, fearless, honest, oh I think actually they were being polite there. I think brutal might have been nearer the mark.
Anyway she always used to say that people giving eulogies always prattled on too long and they'd be better off picking a few words to sum up the deceased, clear off and let the mourners get to the buffet. But how do you choose just a couple of words to describe this one, eh?
Me and Ken tried for ages to come up with them and we never really did hit on the right ones, but there are only two words that I'll think of when I remember her, two words that sum up her love, her support, her protection, her loyalty and her strength: My mother."
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
No shambolic funeral for Blanche Hunt
spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 28 episode on CBC
Blanche has made her wishes known regarding her funeral and is speaking out from beyond the grave in the form of a letter which describes, in great detail, what she does and doesn't want in her funeral arrangements. And Blanche, bless her, knows what she's talking about. She's been to more funerals than I've had hot suppers. In fact, she's had a lot of hot suppers at funerals. Going to funerals was Blanche's hobby and, as a result, she has thoughtfully compiled an 'A' funeral (what she would ideally like) and a 'B' funeral (what she'll settle for). I've taken the liberty of adding a 'C' funeral just for fun. Let's compare:
Type of funeral
A. Christian burial with full service
B. Burial with modest service
C. Cremation at that shifty place on Rosamund Street
Funeral music:
A. Scots Guards playing 'How great thou art'
B. Branny from knitter natter plays the recorder
C. Lloyd plays some of his Northern Soul CDs
Eulogy:
A. C of E Minister with a nice baritone at the church
B. May from the One O'Clock club
C. Simon reading the eulogy he wrote for Leanne (the rabbit not the ex-escort)
Reception:
A. Four-Star hotel with hot and cold buffet
B. Rovers with Elliot pies and sausage rolls
C, Kebab shop (hot sauce not included)
Blanche has made her wishes known regarding her funeral and is speaking out from beyond the grave in the form of a letter which describes, in great detail, what she does and doesn't want in her funeral arrangements. And Blanche, bless her, knows what she's talking about. She's been to more funerals than I've had hot suppers. In fact, she's had a lot of hot suppers at funerals. Going to funerals was Blanche's hobby and, as a result, she has thoughtfully compiled an 'A' funeral (what she would ideally like) and a 'B' funeral (what she'll settle for). I've taken the liberty of adding a 'C' funeral just for fun. Let's compare:
Type of funeral
A. Christian burial with full service
B. Burial with modest service
C. Cremation at that shifty place on Rosamund Street
Funeral music:
A. Scots Guards playing 'How great thou art'
B. Branny from knitter natter plays the recorder
C. Lloyd plays some of his Northern Soul CDs
Eulogy:
A. C of E Minister with a nice baritone at the church
B. May from the One O'Clock club
C. Simon reading the eulogy he wrote for Leanne (the rabbit not the ex-escort)
Reception:
A. Four-Star hotel with hot and cold buffet
B. Rovers with Elliot pies and sausage rolls
C, Kebab shop (hot sauce not included)
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